Lost in the city.

It feels odd sitting down to write when so much has happened in the last week. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve last blogged. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling two and from San Diego to spend time with Mr. Green… and although I knew going back into it that this isn’t what I really wanted, and that I shouldn’t have to settle for what little he could give me. But that didn’t stop me from making that trek once a week. And it seemed easy enough, Mr. Green in San Diego and Mr. USC and Ex in Los Angeles. But the more times I traveled down there the more I started to lead a double life. There was the one enjoying Saturday mornings with Mr. Ex and drinks and dinners with Mr. USC. And then there was the life in San Diego. Visiting with old friends during the day and nights spend in Mr. G’s bed… and I know now that it was all in my head, but I thought things were finally getting better between us. That maybe he was starting to see that we could happen… and then this week happened.

After spending an odd weekend down in San Diego I came back Monday full of promise… and yes we seemed to be bickering more than usual and I noticed that he seemed to want to spend less time with me but we all know I have a tendency to ignore reality and believe what I want. But Tuesday morning reality came tumbling in. I was planning on driving back down for an Obama Victory Party he and his roommates were throwing… but turns out the other girl he’s been dating this entire time was going to be there too. Now they recently broke up (a couple of weeks ago) but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings seeing us together, so he asked if we could down play “us for the evening”… which basically meant I was told that I was to not kiss him the entire night. The only thing I could say was that he ended up spending too much time worrying about hurting the wrong girl… because as much as it’s hard to admit this, it hurt so much to hear him tell me that he didn’t want people to know that he’s also been dating me. It really just drove home that fact that I had gone from the girl he was dating to this girl he has sex with once a week…

But long story short. I did go down for the party. And turns out he was the one who couldn’t resist kissing me… But on the way home I realized I just couldn’t do this anymore… so things ended tonight for us.

This time for good. In fact I was given a list of reasons why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. But what hurt the most is that one of them is something that I know, that we bicker a bit. But the problem is that he just can’t see that the only reason we bicker is due to the fact that he can’t be in a relationship with me, or should I say doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And something that we easily could have fixed… but instead (like the young 25 year old boy that he is) he didn’t say anything, and just let it fester inside of him until all he thought of us was that we argue too much. And I know I’m an argumentative person, and if he would have just mentioned it I could have been aware…. But he didn’t. And instead I’m left with the feeling that I once again have driven someone away. Someone who might not have been perfect (he smokes cigarettes and pot, likes to sleep away his weekends where as I like to be out and about, thinks exercise is something that should be done “tomorrow” but tomorrow never happens), but as much as he wasn’t perfect I actually believed he was perfect for me. And I just loved how he looked at me… it wasn’t about me having a perfect body. He loved just how imperfect it was, and even while ending things with me he continued to say how hot he thought I was and just how smoking my body was. Things that no one has ever thought about me, much less driven home.

But the point of the matter is he just didn’t think I was perfect for him… so I sit her tonight just a bit lost. Because truthfully I’ve lost not just someone who I was dating, but someone who in the last few months really has become a close friend. Someone who I turn to when I find I myself in a crisis… and one of the first people I call when things start to go my way… because on a night like this the only thing I want is to send him a message and have him make me laugh, as only he can.

And I know I will pick myself right up… Mr. USC and I have dinner again this week. And maybe with Mr. G finally really out of the picture I will finally give Mr. USC the chance he’s been asking for… but for now I’m going to sit down, enjoy the rest of my wine and probably shed a tear or two… because sometimes as much as we tell ourselves that it shouldn’t, it really does just hurt.