This Eagle needs to soar I think...

Today marked my 2nd time hanging out with Mr. Eagles with yet another Sunday afternoon watching football with his friends. Now Mr. Eagles is very promising on paper (except for his age, once again he’s a TAD younger), but he’s very sweet, very cute, very nice body (yea I know I’m superficial, but hey I noticed that right off the bat!) likes a lot of the same things I do including spending Sunday afternoon with friends drinking beers and watching football. And a plus for him is that I get along with his friends, although that’s a little hard to tell when we’ve only hung out twice. Though the most important thing is that we have that spark, one that’s very rare and hard to find. The one that makes you get butterflies in your stomach and go pink in the face when you catch his eye… Though I have to point out that the other thing in his favor is that ALL of his friends are couples, no single guy friends, so I’d like to hope that means he too would be open to not being single anymore. And today was going great, I worked in the morning (yay the Chargers won!) and then met up for drinks and the Eagles game… all was going smoothly until midway through the game and after a couple of pitchers of beer (ok more than a couple, there were 7 of them and when I got there they were already on their 11th pitcher!) I noticed that he had a very disgusting looking cup next to him. Turns out he chews and spits tobacco!!! Which I have to say is one of the more disgusting qualities I’ve found in a man lately and seems like a very odd habit for a young southern California surfer dude! Now the question is, how often does he do this?! This first time I hung out with him, no chewing. And now the seconde time hanging out this habit didn’t come out until very late in his drinking (he started at 10am with the first games), so does this mean he doesn’t do it often. I didn’t ask because at first I was a little startled, and then I didn’t know what to say- I mean how do I say hey I think you are great and have been fantasizing about kissing you since we met, but I am not going anywhere near your mouth now that you have that disgusting wet tobacco in it! So it looks like I found another deal breaker and am going to have to let this Eagle soar on his own. I will be seeing him again next weekend, but I think he’s going to have to segue into yet another male friend. Because this Sally is looking for her Harry to not be spitting into a cup when she finds him!

The sound of patterns breaking.

This week I’ve slowly slipped back into some old habits, to which a friend called me out on the other night, her exact words were- you always use Booze and Men to deal with breakups… and it’s true I do. So this week I have attempted to change that a bit. Some parts were easy, some a little harder and some were more impossible than I thought they would be!

The easy one was to not jump right back out into the dating world… Now I’ve been dating through the summer (Mr. C and O, Mr. Disney, Mr. First to name a few, but have mainly been a one man woman) and with the end of another chapter in my Mr. book I’ve once again found myself out there trying to really date again… and 2 guys who have been hovering about for the summer finally decided to make their move when hearing I was once again back on the market… now blowing them off was the easy part of the week. I don’t really want to be dating anyone at the moment, and used the break as an excuse and was able to turn both dates into “non-dates” with a counter offer of Hiking with one and then turned drinks with the other into come into the bar while I’m bartending and we will catch up.

Now the part that was a little harder was dealing with Mr. Ex… now that he’s back in town he’s ready to start back where we left off. And it’s easy to slip into comfortability with him, we do it every time I end things with someone… but I realized this week that I don’t think that’s what I want when a couple days later, and many conversations between us, I still haven’t told him that I broke things off with Mr. G. I don’t know why I haven’t. Maybe because I know he will just laugh and say I told you so (all summer whenever I would mention it, Mr. Ex always just said don’t worry that’s just a fling between the two of you, I’ll see you when I get back in town)… and maybe because with each break up it’s harder to say no to Mr. Ex when he’s offering me so many things that I do want… but one thing I know for certain is it’s not as lonely waking up in bed alone, as it is waking up in bed next to someone and wishing they were someone else.

And now the next to impossible part, breaking my cycle with the guys I meet. I know what I’m looking for (in fact we all know what I’m looking for, I blog about my lists enough!) but when I go out I am like a moth to a flame for the biggest asshole in the bar. Last night while out with the girls to cheer me up I once again meet my type: Hot, Great Body, 24, Model looks… and while talking to him I realize just how easy it would be to just go down that path again. But after dating an actual nice guy the last couple of months, it was a bit easier to walk away from the asshole at the end of the night. Mind you I know we would have had an amazing time together, and boy do I ever need THAT right now… but at the end of the night I was able to finish my drink and just say goodnight. Because I’m never going to meet Mr. Right always dating Mr. Wrongs.

Must love me... and have it’s lights on!

"Men are like cabs. They drive around dating women and picking them up, but their light isn't on. When they want to get married, they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up, they marry." SEX AND THE CITY

Tonight I got to talking to a friend who summed up men very simply: Men are like taxi cabs, you have to get in when the lights on… I've spent the last couple of months waiting on a certain green light to turn on, unfortunately that didn't happened… so once again I can turn to and add to my list. Below is a list I came up with friends earlier this year (and posted in previous blogs), with an small addition because "Every lover is a reaction against your last"- (Erika Jong) and if we didn't learn from our past than that really would make our heartbreaks useless, wouldn't they?

- Must have a REAL job- no stuntman, model, stripper, flair bartender, pro-surfer, jet-skier, actor… But more than anything must be Career Driven. Nothing is sexier than a guy who is ambitious. I also need someone who understands when I can't make it home for dinner because we are shooting late, or when I need to work weekends to get caught up. But at the same time, I want to be more than just an obligation or something that casually slips their mind, like washing dishes or taking out the trash.

- Must not have any piercings. No tongue, No nipple, No lip, and especially NO PENIS!

- Must be at least my age- if not OLDER! Must be a responsible Adult…No more 23 year old boys who are still trying to figure out their life. A job, car, apartment, direction in life... all things that should be a given when finding someone to date!

- Must have some kind of imperfection on his body (as long as that imperfection is not below the waist)… After having dated the underwear model this year I've decided that a perfect boy is overrated! I mean the ideal must have would have been: Tall, Thin and Muscular… But I've also learned that perfection is boring! I'm not looking for perfect…. Just perfect to me!

- Must be looking for an actual relationship. As Zoha says must have his light on- No flings. No rebound. No one-night Stands. No out of town fuck buddies. No casual relations… someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I'm not talking marriage, engagement, or even a serious relationship- just someone who at the end of a long work weeks wants to come home to me, just me.

- Must not have any ex's in their life! If she's still in love with you than you can move on from me! At the same time no girlfriends, no fuck buddies, no fiances, no wives... and this one is non-negotiable. Though he must also have had stable relationships in the past, if they haven't been serious about someone in the past they aren't going to be able to be serious about me.

- Must not have gone to Jail or get yourself arrested while we are dating! I know Janice can't handle having to try and bail another boyfriend out of the drunk tank!

- Must be College Educated. Sorry boys that's a requirement. I like having lively debates, I like discussing politics and I love someone who can put me in my place. At the same time I also think we learned more than just what our professors were teaching us in college. College is where you start to form the real friendships that last through our life… That safe environment shapes who we later become in life. Without that I think a lot of people are searching for answers… and although I think that's fantastic, I don't want to date that person anymore!

- Must be Adventurous… He's gotta love surfing and hiking with me. If the guy doesn't like water and sand than he doesn't have a chance! Plus I think only a guy who is willing to jump off a bridge, go white water rafting, running with the bulls or scuba diving with the stingrays on the spur of the moment would keep me interested for 50 years. Because that's what I'm looking for- 50 years, not 50 days!

- Must be Family Oriented. It's taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ready to think about settling down with a family. Not today, not tomorrow… but at the same time not too far into the future. So if you don't want children or need to wait another 10 years, keep moving because we won't work out. At the same time he needs to be involved with his own family. I know it's horrible to say, but I can't date someone else who has family issues- wither it be with a father, mother, sister, brother, cousin… whoever! I'm not your therapist and I'm not your quick fix!

- Core group of friends. I know this seems like an odd one. But it's a deal breaker for me now. A guy without his guys has issues… or even a guy with a lot of new friends. There is a reason that he can't keep his ties for long, and most likely won't be able to get a girlfriend for long either… my friends are my life force and I also need someone to understand that! And accept that I have my Tuesday night dinners, and sometimes he just won't be invited to them.

- Must be outgoing and social… I love going out. A great party on a Saturday night is one of the great things in life. Going out, dressing up, having fun… that's part of my life… and with my career choice will always be part of my life. At the same time, I don't want him to be too social! I don't need him looking for "friends" in chat rooms, getting arrested halfway across the US or partying until the sun comes up. On the flip side he must also enjoy a Friday night in watching movies or a Sunday morning in bed drinking Mimosas.

- Must not live in a different city, state or take a job touring the US for 6 months at a time! But at the same time must not view living in Venice being "long distance" if he only lives in Burbank! It seems I'm always attracted to the guys that are just a little out of my reach physically- Wisconsin, Arizona, San Diego... I think maybe it's time to play it close to the vest and start to think locally. Because I really need to hear something other than it's not you, it's your location.

- But I guess the most important thing is he must love me. Not love who he thinks I am or who he thinks I will be. But loves me. Me at my worst. The grumpy, demanding, whiny, solitary, spastic, loud, overbearing, crazy, dorky me. The me who spends way too much time on my computer. Too many hours dissecting my belly. Gets depressed when the scale goes up… and giddy when it goes down. Loves my family and my friends… and how disgustingly close I am to both of them. Accepts that I too am not perfect… but that we are perfectly imperfect for each other.

Houdini of the dating world

I spent this morning thinking about the men that disappear and the relationships that don't officially end but just fizzle out. Now as you can tell from my honest (sometimes too honest) blogs I'm pretty straight forward. This wasn't always the case… in fact in multiple break ups early on in my dating life I was told that I was cold, had this wall around me, didn't care… but in the last 2 years I've actually kind of broken down that wall and am now also too honest in my relationships. Maybe it's because I've learned from my mistakes, maybe it's because I've matured or maybe I'm just sick of wasting my time on relationships that are never going to work. Whatever the case may be I've taken to wearing my heart on my sleeve (and my blog)… and when it comes to breaking things off with people I also prefer the honest way… as opposed to the "disappearing man"… there is nothing worse than just having someone disappear on you, with little or no explanation, so when I see that this is starting to happen I have this bad habit of pushing the guy until he finally just ends it. Because I'm sick of wasting my time on men that are just going to leave anyways, it's better to just rip off that Band-Aid and although there will be pain for a bit, it will eventually go away. So last night I decided that it might be time to rip off that Band-Aid and called the guy that I have been dating for the last couple of months. Now I didn't know for sure that it was over, every time I tried to bring "us" up recently he would tell me that he's just busy at work, is still interested in "dating" and wants to make it up to LA really soon… and I've tried taking that at face value. But since returning from Vacation the communication has been really minimal. And despite a few text messages or im's telling me how much he wants me, we haven't really talked at all. A few emails here and there, but nothing really substantial… Now in his defense he really has been crazy busy at work, and I totally understand he needed last weekend to just relax. After all driving up to LA and spending a weekend with me is fairly exhausting… and when he said "soon, really soon" I took that to mean that he actually would try and make it up here "soon"… turns out that soon is just thrown out the window… because if he really did want to spend time with me, he would have said "next weekend" or "the weekend after" instead. So last night I called him so that I could find out what really was going on… and now 13 hours later he still hasn't returned that call! Guess silence might not be golden in this case, but it sure is telling! It's not surprising that he didn't call back, he has a tendency to just get home from work, smoke a bowl and then veg in front of the TV (or Rock Band)… and when I got home from work I did have an facebook message from him… but it's telling with how he feels about me. Because personally I would have wanted him to actually WANT to talk to me!

So now I'm torn, I don't have the closure that we both know I need… but I can't just keep waiting for him to decide to tell me he wants out of this, if he ever does! So now I turn to you, my readers. Do I give him a chance to explain what's going on- Because here's a guy who is probably the best guy I've ever dated, he treats me great when we are together , makes me laugh, does the most romantic things at the most surprising of times, who I've spent the last few months falling for and who makes me feel more alive than I have in a really long time. Or do I take this at face value-because despite everything he's done, he has told me he just can't be in a relationship for a bit, won't do long distance and I just need to be patient, as well as shown me that he doesn't even know what dating really means and despite what he says maybe just might not be that into me, and I think I deserve a little better than that. Don't you?

My fate... mixed with a bit of water!

My horoscope for today: You feel a surge of good energy come your way today that seems to lift you up out of any dips or depressions you may have fallen into lately. See if you can share some of the good times with friends!

Well it seems that the stars have been misleading me… after having a very promising morning (I even rocked out to the theme song from Mannequin as I drove home) I arrived to find that overnight my hot water heater seems to have busted it’s pipes and was currently misting hot water through out my hallway, once again! Seriously I must have the worst luck of anyone that I’ve ever met… two hours and many many towels later the plumber finally showed up to turn of the heater and fix it. Making me late for my bikini wax and into a grumpy mood, also once again! And of course it took him a good hour to “fix” the problem to only find out that even though there are new pipes, it seemed that the gas couldn’t be turned back on to make the heater work! So finally it wasn’t leaking, but the only shower I was being offered was a very cold one!

During the insanity with the plumber I was told by someone that I was freaking out too much about the heater… but I have to say to once again come home to find that my living room had been flooded and that the water is once again pouring into my neighbor downstairs apartment I have to say that I was really not freaking out enough. Today I did kind of take a more Zen like approach, changed the towels, dealt with the plumber and basically just sat it out… and when it was finally over I was able to take a bath (my shower is still not working, but hey I can live with that for the moment!) and was able to head to my bikini waxer… to which I was once again reminded about my lack of romantic prospects. Now I go to my waxer every 3 weeks, and she is very much like family… so she of course asks how the dating is going and even asked if I’ve heard from Mr. NakedBartender at all… hey I’ve got to have something to talk about to take my mind off of getting my hair ripped out of my body! After her and I had a chuckle about how ill-fated all my romances tend to be, I left ready to start a new. Now I wish I could say I was going to be using my new wax job this weekend… but sadly the answer to that is no I will not be utilizing that new wax this weekend. But hey, still crossing my fingers that next time I go to visit her that maybe my answers will be a bit different!

A message in a bottle… or at least on a cell phone.

Now first off I need to state that I’m the queen of the drunken text messages… not necessarily the drunken booty call texts (thought I’ve been known to do that a time or two also) but I’m talking about the drunken, reveal your true feelings, put your foot in your mouth text messages. When I got back from Jamaica my cell phone pinged with texts… At first I thought that was odd, since everyone who would usually text me knew I was out of town. And even odder when I started to read the messages. Apparently a friend of mine, let’s call him Mr. Uni, got a little too drunk one night while I was gone (or at least I’m hoping he was drunk because if he sent the messages sober than I’m even more confused!). Anyways I’ve known Mr. Uni for years, we’ve been friends (never anything more!), we’ve seen each other go through multiple boys and girls but more importantly he believes that I am dating someone else right now. And not only believes me to be in a relationship, he’s actually hung out with Mr. Green and I together (and like I’ve stated before when Mr. Green and I are actually together we are very couply so Mr. Uni was not under the impression that Mr. G and I was just friends!). So knowing all this it was a surprise to me to get a text message letting me know just how much Mr. Uni wants me! I had a few options on what to do, but decided to go the chicken route and ignore them. I’ve spoken to him this week, he hasn’t mentioned them and I’m not going to say a word… after all a message in a bottle is only important when someone finds it, and I’m just going to hit delete and pretend that it never hit my shore!

3 years, 26 miles and cancer free!

As many of you know a couple years ago my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. After her lumpectomy and finishing up with her radiation she wanted to show the world that she had kicked cancer, so they decided to participate in the Jimmy Fund Walking Boston Marathon. It’s 26 miles and follows the actual route of the Boston Marathon (including the killer Heartbreak Hill)… and now 3 years later my parents are once again competing in their 3rd Round of the Marathon. Last year I was lucky enough to walk with my father (After she had many complications with the first go of it my father walks it every year for her and she walks the part of it that she can) but this year I had to sit out the Marathon… so instead of being there I’m posting a blog that some of you might already have read (I’ve updated it a bit, but mainly it’s the same)… So here’s to my Mom who has shown me that Breast Cancer is not a Death Sentence, but sometimes can give you a new lease on life!

To my mom who taught me to truly love and what true compassion is.

To my mom who showed me how to forgive even if I make the same mistakes over and over… often with the same men!

To my mom who has sacrificed everything so that I will not be without anything.

To my mom who has proven there are such things as soul mates and that they key to a long lasting relationship is the passion (though my dad has said its really the sex that keeps the relationship going!)

To my mom who took me to my first yoga class, sat thru endless amounts of Zip-i-dee-do-da, flew to New York for my NYU audition and forced me to go through with it, has seen numerous HORRIBLE plays just because I'm involved in them, and almost as many movies and TV shows just to see my name go across the screen.

To my mom who always believes in me even when I start to have doubts myself.

To my mom who has chastised me every time I have gone back to my numerous Ex's, but will always ask about them the next day and check in to make sure we are doing good… but who is always more than happy to ask about the boys who she actually does approve of (or should I say boy, since there has only been one she actually has liked!)

To my mom who has shown me that blondes really do have move fun!

To my mom who when I came home from spending a night in a cop car, didn't yell but just gave me a hug, told me to take a bubble bath, get some sleep, and we would talk about it in the morning.

To my mom who has taken me all over the world and yet has made me realize that the best place to be is always home.

To my mom who is my best friend, my confidante, my sister, my mentor, my conscious, my coach, my teacher and my mother.

To my mom who is the only person I have every known to be truly happy. When I asked her a few years back if she could live anywhere where would she want to live, she said- Well I like Phoenix And then I said how about a car, if you could drive any car what would it be? To which she replied- Well I like our jeep Anyone else you asked would have named cities around the world and cars that they have only dreamed of, but none would have been able to say that they were truly happy with their life as it was.

My mom has truly led a remarkable life, but most importantly she has taught me to value the life that I have and never take it for granted. One in Eight women will get breast cancer, and in fact every 13 minutes a woman dies from it. So as a woman make sure you get checked, ask questions, pay attention, make sure you know your breasts (as a guy you can do your part and get to know your wife/girlfriend/fiancés breasts… trust me if can be the fun part of your job!) and most importantly don’t take anyone in your life for granted… because if you look around one of those women in your life might not be around when you need them!

Broken again… but luckily this time it’s not my heart!

I came back from Jamaica tan, determined, and cheerful… well I should say I woke up tan, determined, and cheerful, because really I came back to LAX ‘s ridiculous that was Customs and spent two hours being tired, annoyed and grumpy. So much that I got into it with a very pushy European family that tried to cut in front of us in line and after already waiting an hour in it I so wasn’t having it! But I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed after getting a great nights sleep! I admit I was a little sad that I didn’t have Pepito making me coffee and Aldean bringing me Rum Drinks, but that’s ok I knew I had to come back down to reality sometime… and boy did I ever. While unpacking I thought I would cheer myself up, put on some rock music and sing and dance the Post-Vacation Blues away… and I did that. In fact I danced those blues right into the side of the bed where I managed to give myself one hell of a broken toe! Now I know the first thing everyone asks, were you drinking?! But no, turns out after spending a week drunk doing every death defying act that is possible I ended up breaking my toe, sober on my bed back at home! Yea I really am the queen of the klutzes… now I lay here 3 days later, still needing the use of crutches to get around, still throbbing in pain, still with a very large and very purple toe, and still wishing I was back in Jamaica where I had sun, sand, water and the ability to swim/run/hike/dive whenever I please!

Hopefully my toe will heal soon, because it’s cutting into my Post-Vacation Activities- I’ve already had to postpone Jet Skiing with Mr. Ex until next week! Luckily I plan on spending the weekend close to home recovering, and maybe if I’m lucky I will still be able to have a boy bring me Rum Drinks…. So he might not be Jamaican, but hey you can’t get everything you wish for in life, right?!

Dive or Bust... Days 7 and 8

Our last full day was packed with activity… after another early start I had an extremely long swim in the ocean along the shore. Though I did sort of underestimated the current and on the way back, I admit I did have a bit of the panic when I realized I was out in the middle of the ocean, with no one around me, no real shore to swim to and lot and lots of chances to get eaten by a shark… luckily I made it back to my finish without harm. But spent the rest of the morning sunning myself in the pool.

After lunch we headed out to Negril for a little shopping and Ricks. Ricks Café was my one must do on the island. It’s a huge bar that is known for their cliff diving. I was envisioning a very Traveling Pants type moment with all of us jumping off the cliff together. But by the time we got there everyone else seemed to manage to injure themselves and thought that a jump of the cliff was not in their best interest. But once again I trekked through and did the jump! Mind you I wasn’t able to do the very high one but did manage the lower and middle ones, and I have to say 30 feet was enough for me! A little disappointed in myself that I didn’t have the nerve to do the highest one, but knew I was probably pushing my luck if I tried that one. And going home in a cast was not what was on my to do list for this trip! But after doing my 3 jumps I was able to sit back, have a beer and listen to the reggae music while watching the sun set… and I have to say I was in heaven!!!

Now I’m just sitting outside on our last day (day 8!) and enjoying a little of the sun before we leave. I’m sad to be leaving what I can only describe as Paradise. I had an amazing time on this island! I’ve had lots of girl time but I’ve also had plenty of time to myself to kind of think and figure out things in my life. Lots and lots of revelations, some good…. Some not so good. And I think I might finally be brave enough to make a few changes in my life when I get back. I’m nervous, scared and excited at the same time. I’m started a new chapter in my life, and luckily I’m going to be able to start it with a nice tan!

XXOO,
Hardt

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum... Day 6

This morning was one of our “free” mornings… so after breakfast we separated into two groups. One stayed at the Villa for some sun, and then the other decided on a snorkel trip out to one of the reefs. I’m sure you can guess which one I ended up on! Once again we got into a very rickety fishing boat, but this time we were use to the look and feel of it. It also helped that on this side of the Island the water is like glass, so luckily there weren’t any waves to make us going into a panic attack. Though the cooler of beer that Aldean had packed for us helped too! But our two guides took us out to a reef in the middle of the ocean and let us off to snorkel our hearts away… Now after going to the Aquarium in San Diego a couple of weeks ago I was ready to swim with the fish! And I have to say it was just like being at Steven Birch except for the fact that I was in the tank and the only “glass” that separated them from me was my plastic face mask!

After snorkeling we headed back to the Villa for once again another amazing meal and then we were off to the Appleton Rum Factory… and after 2 hours of driving through the mountains and the most amazing rainforest, with the most amazing rain storm we learned how rum was made and then tasted about 15 of the best rums I’ve ever had. Personally was a fan of this Coffee Rum Cream that tasted a bit like Baileys but oh so much better!
After we had our fill of rum we were back into the rainforest… I have to say it was really amazing watching it rain with the mist coming in off the mountains. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as beautiful as that! On the way back we stopped at a bunch of roadside fruit stands and picked up nuts, avocados, bananas and mangos… you can see we were a little snacky after all the rum drinking!

Am now just sitting outside enjoying one of our last nights here… listening to the locust and the ocean and wondering how I am ever going to leave this place! I’m tan, relaxed, exhausted… but am missing everyone from back home today.

Sending my love from the Islands!!!

XXOO,
Hardt

PS… And the Animals continue: A school of Jellyfish that I swam through, a barracuda, lots and lots of fish and an Orange Feathered Pheasant.

Bar... The Jamaican way! Day 5

Last night was the first night that I literally came home, ate dinner and passed out! Sorry no blog, but here is the recap from yesterday.

Shock of all shocks I got up at 7 to have coffee… I love having an hour to myself just staring at the ocean without all the other girls. As much as I love everyone on the trip, it’s nice to be alone for a bit of the day. After breakfast Janice, I and our guard dogs went for a swim. I kid you not but I have been adopted by 2 of the dogs, they sleep outside my room, follow me around all day if I’m at home and even walk me down to the beach, wait for me to finish my swims, bark at anyone that comes near me and if I am in there to long they swim in to make sure I’m doing ok! It’s insane, but makes me feel very safe. Wish I could take them back to LA with me!

After the swim it was off to the Black River to take a boat tour. The Black River is the longest river in Jamaica and very similar to the Everglades. Needless to say there were lots of Alligators swimming around! And being the crazy woman that I am I jumped in with the guides and had a nice Alligator swim. Luckily I wasn’t eaten, but Janice did have a run in with the Boat and managed to scrape the entire front of her leg and arm. So after a nice discussion of hospital of no hospital, yes she was bleeding quite a bit and was about to pass out, we decided no hospital and it was off to the falls for us. And boy was YS falls amazing!!! Since I’m usually up for anything and everything I was volunteered to be the one who swung from a rope swing over a ragging waterfall and then just dropped through midair! Though the hardest part was that when you popped up you were dragged through an extremely fast current, almost over another waterfall. And one that you most definitely were not allowed to go over. But I survived, and it was one of the greatest rushes of my life… though I was the only one brave enough to try it out!

After swimming in the smaller falls with our guide for awhile we decided to head out to The Pelican Bar. Now this is not just a normal bar, it’s in the middle of a sand bar 20 minutes into the ocean! And we were envisioning this speed boat taking us there in luxury, instead our driver dropped us off at this remote fishing village. And behind these wooden shacks was the most rickety dock I have ever seen and at the end of the dock there was this tiny fishing vessel… after getting on we had 20 minutes in the open ocean with some crazy waves that were a mix of the ocean and Black River coming… but the Bar at the end of it was so worth it! It was this little shack up on stilts in the middle of the ocean!!! We met Floydee the owner and enjoyed a red stripe (or two) while diving into the ocean! Have to say, it was one of the best places I have been to in my entire life… only in Jamaica, mon!!!!

Sending my love from the Islands!!!

XXOO,
Hardt

PS… And the additions to my daily animal count: Our pet sting ray that we almost stepped on today, Alligators, Cranes, the bull frog that we caught and unfortunately my guard dogs fleas that decided I was going to be dinner!

Pearls before swine… Day 4

4 days in Paradise really have started to give me perspective on my life…. Maybe because it’s given me time to think, living without TV, phone, and bad internet connection will do that to you. Maybe because I’ve seen how much of my life I take for granted and how many things are really unnecessary… or maybe it’s because I was bitten by my prince charming- Literally since my horse named Prince bit me in the leg today. I realized many things on my journey so far, the first being I need to start to look at things more half full than half empty. Since breaking up with Mr. NakedBartender I’ve fallen into this depression of sorts about being “single and without kids”… but the fact of the matter is I have my entire life ahead of me. I realized this week how exciting it is to know that I have my best moments ahead of me. That moment when I meet the man I’m going to marry, the look my father will give me as he give me away on my wedding day, seeing my children for the first time, meeting my grandchildren… All those great moments, are ahead of me. It’s not depressing or sad not having had those yet, it’s exhilarating knowing that those are just around the corner or even just around a lifetime!

Except for my revelations, today has been pretty chill… I once again woke up around 5 to watch the sunset, had a cup of coffee and then decided to head back to bed until around 8. We were off at 10 to go Horseback riding on the Paradise Plantation. And I have to say there is something to be said for riding a horse through the beach looking up at the mountains of Jamaica. After our ride through the plantation we headed back to the house for what was the best Jerk Chicken Lunch I have ever experienced! Seriously trying to figure out how to sneak the chef back into the country in my suitcase!!!!

After lunch we tried to venture out into the water, but due to a crazy current, a high tide due to an incoming storm and a little accident that happened to Stitz (her second fall of the trip but at least her legs match on bruises and scrapes!) we decided to scratch the swim and instead just headed into our own pool, where multiple “fruity rum drinks” we brought to us on a silver tray… tonight will be another low key night of playing cards and listening to reggae because tomorrow will be another jam packed day- A trip down the Dune River, hiking up YS falls, and then a boat ride to Pelican Bar which is located 20 minutes off shore on a sand bar!

Despite all the fun… really missing everyone back home! So once again sending my love from the Islands… wish everyone was here with me today!

XXOO,
Hardt

PS Animal Count as of Day 4: A cow without a tail, a black hawk and these crazy crabs that were swarming the beach!

Ya Mon… Day 3

There is only one word I need to use to describe today- WOW! Started off my morning at 5 am by once again having coffee over looking the ocean. Another crazy storm had gone through over night but by five it was peaceful and calm, with a perfect breeze and not a cloud in the sky as the sun rose over the mountains. I have to say I love that when I get up there is coffee waiting for me and the table set for our 6am breakfast… There was an early start this morning since we were off zip lining in the Rainforest just outside of Ochos Rios, a nice two and a half hour drive from Bluefields. So after breakfast, we were packed into our van and we were off on our adventure. Once again during the journey I was overwhelmed by the traditions here in Jamaica. I watched all the school children in the freshly pressed and colorful uniforms heading off to school on the busses and all their parents waiting for those same buses to take them to work. There were men carrying bags of rice on the road, groups of guys heading into construction jobs on plenty of new resorts, and woman in uniforms heading to the ones that already existed.

Around 9:30 we finally reached Chauka for our zip lining tour, met our guides (Anthony, Junior and the oh so delectable Andrew) and hoped into this open backed safari van and headed up the mountain. Getting up there was interesting all in itself, straight up a mountain dirt road and we finally got to catch a glimpse of the locals smoking some ganja! Upon arrival at the top of the mountain I was harnessed a little tightly into my gear, making me wish I didn’t partake so much in the pork chops and mango run drinks the night before! But quickly we learned why so tight! The entire experience was mind-blowing… just clipped onto a rope hanging between trees and zipping down a mountain gave me a rush I’ve never experienced. Unfortunately I quickly earned the nickname “Brave One” from our tour guides, and let’s just say if it was possible to make me go down at lightening speed on some of the runs they did! Let me tell you the one that I went just straight down on I almost pee’d my pants because instead of using the break at the bottom on me they just let me drop… and FAST! It was an experience I will never forget, and one that has me so ready for my next adventure in heights- Sky Diving. Though that one will have to wait until I get back to the states, I’m adventuresome not stupid!

After hiking back towards basecamp we stopped, changed, and had a picnic lunch. Once again grateful for our chef, because instead of the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches that you would expect, we had homemade banana nut bread and the most amazing breaded chicken that I have ever had! Though part of that might have been because I worked up an appetite and part of that might have been because our driver even gave it to us on china with real silverware! And the highlight of our packed lunch- the cooler they packed us with water, sodas, and BEER!

Once our tummies were full we were ready to adventure out again. This time to Dune River Falls were we thought we would do a little hiking around a waterfall. WRONG. Instead our guide took us on a hike straight up a 600 foot waterfall. We had to hold hands like school children and then climbed straight against the current through the water. It was exhilarating, amazing and frightening all at the same time!

After an exhausting day, I’m once again laying in bed listening to the waves and the jungle as my eyes are slowly starting to close… tomorrow will bring an exciting new adventure of Horseback Riding on the beach, a lie out by the pool and then a nice little kayak in the ocean… can’t wait to wake up to another day in Paradise!

Sending all my love from the Islands,
XXOO
Hardt

PS- Additional animals to add to my count: A donkey, lots of crazy bugs including the one who flew out of my towel at me at 5:00 this morning wanting to play, peacocks- including a white one that I didn’t know even existed and I kid you not- Sheep!

Club Paradise, Jamaican Style… Day 2

Day 2 was one of the most relaxing days of my life… it pretty much just involved lazing around, drinking rum drinks that were brought to me on a silver tray, catching up on my reading and emails, swimming in the pool and basically just staring at the clouds and waves.

I started off the morning being woken up by one of the most amazing sounds in the world- the sounds of waves crashing along the beach mixed with intense rain. It seems that the tail of Hurricane Ike had finally arrived on my small Island… I laid in bed for hours just listening to the sound of the wind and watching the lightning on the water- oh yes I can just open my doors and there is the ocean! There is something to be said for French doors that just open into Paradise, I’m about as far away from Los Angeles as possible! Luckily the bulk of the storm happened around 4am so by 7 I was sitting outside on the veranda with my coffee just staring at the turquoise water wondering how I’m ever going to be able to leave this place.

The rest of the day flew by in a haze of Planters Punch, sun and rain…Through out the day the storm would start up again and we’d have to pack up all our gear and head inside, though really with the well trained staff it was more like they packed up our gear for us while we waited where it was dry! I have to say it’s one of the oddest things to have a “staff”… here at Bluefields there are about 10 people that rotate in and out through out the day, all here just to make sure we have everything we need and that we don’t have to life a finger for anything… and although it is something I could get use to, I don’t think I would like it day after day because the truth of the matter is you are never alone because there is someone constantly watching after you… and sometimes I just like to be alone. Luckily there is a private patio right off my bedroom where I was able to get a little private sun time (aka without my bikini top on) so I will be able to go back to the states minus tan lines, yay!

Though as amazing as it’s been to have nothing to do, I will admit I did start to go a little stir crazy by the end of the day… and since it was too stormy to go into town we didn’t even make it to the market today, much less snorkeling and cliff diving. So all that has been shifted to Friday and luckily tomorrow we are off at 6am to Zip Line through the rainforest and then off to what is supposed to be the Niagara Falls of Jamaica! I’m nervous, excited and scared all at the same time! Basically just having the time of my life and can’t wait to see what Adventure tomorrow will bring. It has started to rain once again and I can feel my eyes getting sleepy...
So until tomorrow...

Sending my love from the Islands!

XXOO,
Hardt

PS Additional Animal Count today: My new friend the crab that followed me on my entire walk along the beach today, our 3 dogs that have now grown to 5 dogs (which all seem to like to sleep right outside my door), a really cool Pelican which spent most of it’s day right in front of the villa looking for food and of course the really loud frogs right outside my window that like to remind me that yes I am in a Jungle and not at home in LA!

Jamaican-me-crazy…Day 1

Day 1

After a long day tending bar for college football the last thing I wanted to hear Saturday afternoon was that my flight to Jamaica was delayed… after a nerve racking couple of weeks watching hurricanes come in and out of the area I was starting to get nervous that I would have a week of rain, flooding and come back as white as I had left. So with the delay you can imagine how happy I was to just finally be on my way to the airport…. Suitcase, check. Wallet, check. Passport, check. And we were finally off…. Until we checked in at the airport. Luck would have it the one person doing the passport checks on all of us had left hers at home! So while the rest of us bellied up to the bar to start our early Jamaican festivities, poor Janice was stuck rushing home to get hers. To only find out that as soon as she had her passport in hand, of course the car wouldn’t start! But finally she was on her way, in the second car of the evening… yea we are finally on our way to Jamaica. Well of course that was after our 3 hour delay in the airport… we were tired but didn’t care- we were FINALLY on our way to Jamaica.

And boy was the wait worth it. This island is breath taking… I am currently sitting out on the patio off of my bedroom, over looking our pool and private cove just staring at the stars in the sky… and once again I am speechless. In less than 24 hours I have fallen in love with the land, the people and the way of life. Upon arriving in Montego Bay (with no cloud in sight!) our driver Percy meet us at the airport with our rental van- a 12 person passenger van was needed to fit the 6 of us and all of our luggage! In the hour and half that it took to get from the airport to our Villa in Bluefield’s we went through town after town, and over mountains and through what can only be described as rainforests… I was first struck but how shockingly beautiful the poverty was in this county with everyone dressed in their Sunday best and the brightest clothes I have ever seen hanging on the clothes lines. How happy everyone seemed to be, no matter what their station in life was or what their job was that they were doing. We passed the smallest bars you have ever seen, and little shack stores and houses on top of one another- almost all painted lively colors and with people sitting out on verandahas just enjoing the Sunday breeze. Everyone was just walking along the narrow road, cars honking at one another, families waving to friends across the street. It was as if everyone had a smile on their face. And just when I thought I couldn’t fall more in love, we hit the Negril side of the island and the water. Let’s just say I basically swooned! It’s unbelievable how crystal clear and calm the water is… and how warm! Upon arriving at the villas we were greeted by the manager, our chef, our butler and more staff than you can imagine! We spent the morning and early afternoon in a transitional Villa since ours wasn't ready for us yet... best temporary accomodations I think have ever seen with staff coming in and out of it all day. When they say fully staffed villas they aren’t kidding. In the last 12 hours we have had every need tended to. We’ve swam in the pool, had drinks brought to us in the ocean, floated in the most clear water I will probably ever see, ocean kayaked along the shore, took a nap in a hammock right over the ocean, eaten the most amazing foods for lunch and dinner (Pineapple Lamb kabobs that I can't even being to describe!), drank more alcohol than I care to remember, stared at millions of stars, wished on at least one, and am now currently listening to the sounds of the jungle around me. It’s insane to think that less than 24 hours ago I was sitting in Los Angeles, amongst the smog and traffic and stressing myself over jobs and boys that don’t really matter. It seems now that all that matters is this moment. Nothing before this really has meant anything! Tomorrow we are off to another adventure… the boat picks us up at 10am to bring us to some off shore reef to snorkel, then it’s back to the villa for lunch, and then to what I’m dying to do- Ricks Café on the water and I will be cliff diving from the bar! And if I survive that it will be off to a Cocktail Party in the evening!

Sending my love from the islands!

XXOO,
Hardt

PS Animal Count so far: Goats, Cattle, Rosters, 3 dogs that live at the Villa right outside my bedroom, a half dozen lizards, pelicans and about every mosquito know to man which are currently having a late night snack of me!

Aruba, Jamaica, ooohhh I wanna take you…

After an exhausting weekend, I returned from San Diego physically and emotionally drained, and then proceded to worked like crazy all week only to rev myself up last night for drinks with Mr. C&O, which unfortunately didn’t give me anything much to write home about. First of all you will notice it was “drinks” and not a date…Although he is a super nice guy, cute, turns out we know a lot of the same people since he use to work on Scrubs, we were able to swap bartending stories since that’s his current occupation when he isn’t acting, had lots of wine and at the end of the evening I gave him a hug and a promise to call him when I get back from Jamaica so he can take me out to dinner. Under normal circumstances I would say that over all it was a great evening… but of course at the end of the night when I went home a tad tipsy it really was someone else who I wanted in my bed with me. Someone who unfortunately is far away and just out of my reach- both physically and emotionally.

But luckily instead of being stuck at home in Los Angeles thinking too hard on all of it, I leave tomorrow night for 7 glorious nights in Paradise… otherwise known as Jamaica! Bluefields Bay to be precise. In a fantastic 4 bedroom villa- The Hermitage. A trip that has been months in the planning (luckily most of the planning was done by an Angel named Janice!), in fact for me it’s been exactly 4 months of planning. I only know the exact date because yesterday my airplane ticket stub fell out of my guide book. I bought the book when I was recovering at home from my breakup with Mr. NakedBartender… but on May 4th turns out I was heading on a plane home, with high hopes for a trip to cure the broken heart (though oddly enough who knew that I would get off that plane and go straight into drinks with an old friend and meet Mr. Green who might just have been the “physical” cure to that broken heart).. and now the trip is finally here, no longer broken, no longer confused, although also no longer as skinny (The broken heart diet really is the best thing out there!) but needless to say I just can’t wait- I’m packed, have a shinny new passport, some sunscreen, lots of bug spray and anticipate a week of pleasure and relaxation. All in all, the perfect end to a perfect summer! So you may not hear from me for awhile… but I will be thinking of all my friends while I am down there playing in the crystal blue water-kayaking, swimming, surfing, snorkeling and scuba diving… In fact I’ll even do a shot of Rum in your honor just before I dive off those cliffs!

Goodbye my hopeless dream.

Yesterday I had my weekly dinner with friends from College. Now usually I look forward to our dinner more than you can imagine. It’s nice and relaxing, I get a great meal (plus alcohol to match), watch some horrible TV, cuddle with my little boyfriend Aidan… all in all usually a perfect Tuesday Night. Now this Tuesday I was a little tired, a little disappointed and maybe just a bit sad. So when I found out another close friend was coming with her son I actually called my Mom to find out how rude it would be if I canceled at the last minute… and it’s not that I didn’t want to see them all, in fact the 3 of them are amongst my closest friends. The ones I call in case of emergency, when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to drink away the blues with. It’s just that as a group they can be a bit much for me sometime. Because sometimes I don’t want to spend my only night off with a couple of very loud, very active kids talking about very loud and very active kids. Sometimes I just don’t want to be reminded that yes I don’t have one… One of the many “memorable quotes of nights” was when I was TOLD repeatedly that I needed to have one right away and even so much that when it was found out that I had to take a very large dose of birth control this week I was told well I need to just stop taking the pill. To which I only have to say- I don’t want kids right now, so it’s not cool to constantly tell me that I NEED to have them… especially when you know that I am currently single so having a child would be just a tad hard! It’s kind of like rubbing salt in the wound. And when I had tried to express that I was just too tired to be around multiple kids last night I was told that maybe I hate kids, that I was just too hungover, over-sexed, over-emotional… oh the list goes on! Actually the truth of the matter was I was just sick of being told how my life should be, who I should date, who I shouldn’t date, how I’m shooting myself in the foot with my current romantic choices, what I should be doing and how I’m falling behind with the life that I need to be leading.

And I know my closest friends are just trying to be helpful, but sometimes I just can’t take it. I don’t like being reminded that I have a “Non-boyfriend” (their term not mine but it does kind of fit). Especially seeing as I sent him a text message last night during my fit of I can’t take this insanity, which shockingly once again didn’t get answered… And I still am trying to live down their setting me up with Mr. C&O, which they only did because he liked kids and they think that I need to just stop tilting at windmills… but they don’t have to worry because Don Quixote might have seen the errors of her ways and will be having drinks with Mr. C tomorrow… Not a date, just friendly drinks. I’m not looking for romance out of him, but sometimes it’s just nice to come home to a text message asking me how my day was.

And maybe I’ve been pushing certain aspects in my life (and certain people in them- AKA Mr. Green) because I do want what they all have. I do want to be the second half of that couple. I do want that white picket fence. I do want that dog barking in the distance. And eventually I do want that baby crying in the background… and I know that I’m supposed to want those things now. And I’m supposed to be on that path that everyone is very happily walking along… but the truth of the matter is I’m not. And recently I’ve realized that I don’t want them right now… yea I’d like to have someone to come home to at the end of the day. But right now I’d be happy just coming home to him, have crazy sex on our kitchen table and ordering a pizza… sure it’s not the ideal family life. Maybe I’m not Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray right now, but really do I need to be? And yea eventually there will be a kid in that picture- but right now I’m just not ready for that! And sometimes I just need people to respect that.

On borrowed time...

Late last night I got back from another fantasy weekend in San Diego with Mr. Green. I say fantasy because when I’m down there it seems I leave my reality and enter into this blissful “couple”. But like all fantasies they must come to an end, which of course happened last night over dinner. But first let me share moments of it before I burst your bubble. I have to start out with even though we have only been dating for 2 months we are disgustingly couply, more so than I would think given his aversion to being in a relationship. He reaches for my hand wherever we go, leans over for a kiss while driving, and while out at a restaurant my hands are usually inside his…. Though my favorite part of him is when he reaches for me in the middle of the night...So you can see where the line blurs between dating and relationship… and why it’s hard for me to bounce back and forth when I return to LA. Because when I'm in San Diego we have this amazing relationship... and when I'm in LA I just go back to being just that girl he sometimes has sex with.

I drove down on Saturday night already exhausted and annoyed with the situation. Lately I've been feeling like I'm more of a nuisance than a pleasure to him, so when I arrived in San Diego lets just say I was not in my best mood… but luckily after a couple of drinks and a little making out, he was able to snap me right out of it. We spent the first two days around other people, either his friends, roommates or my friends. Which was fine with me because I was hoping to show him that these weekends are possible without the stress of entertaining me and that we can still live our own lives and be together. The master plan was to implant in his head that these weekends in San Diego are not only possible but realistic. After all he travels so much for work, and I work not so much, so I have no problem doing a bit of the commuting. Easy enough for me to come down on a Friday afternoon and come back up on a Sunday Morning before I bartend for Sunday Football... So this weekend I got to catch up with friends while hiking, had lunch with his brother Mr. Green Sr. (Cotija, best Mexican EVER), meet up with old friends of mine from high school that I literally haven’t seen in years and got to meet many of his friends while out for his roommates birthday. Now I don’t remember many names, and I’m sure the faces are a little blurry (we did have a lot to drink), but what I did recall was that most of the ones he described as really great friends were couples. Interesting, and at the time I thought promising, turns out that was just wishful thinking!

Now if the first two days were spent around other people, Monday was spent blissfully alone. And after walking down to breakfast and laying around in bed doing nothing for the rest of the morning he took me on a surprise outing. The day before I had casually mentioned wanted to go to the aquarium, so after bugging him all morning to do something he said he had a surprise for me. And after practically being blindfolded I was led to the aquarium… a good surprise! And the entire time we were riding with my eye closed I was hoping that was where he would be taking me… The entire time he was like a little kid happy with his idea to surprise me, and I was like a little kid happy that I was with someone who wanted to surprise me! Now I won’t bore you with all the specifics on the weekend, but once again it was a perfect weekend in San Diego… Well perfect in my book, sure we did annoy each other at parts, and did argue a bit, give each other a lot of shit, and managed to be passed out before midnight on both nights… But I got some sun, spent some time on the beach, got a hike in, had some great sex… all in all accomplished what I had gone down there for… all except one little thing…

While at dinner last night I knew I needed to bring up the dreaded word “exclusive”… Now I need to start out by saying in Mr. Green’s defense he hasn’t been dating or sleeping with anyone else… which as nice as that is to know it also has pointed out to me that he could if he wanted to… and turns out that he still does want the opportunity too. He told me that he doesn’t know if he can be exclusive for awhile…. Which is fair, but it also was fair to tell him that our dating does have an expiration date which is coming up pretty soon. Because as much as I would like to just continue having fun together and having great sex and lots of laughs, the more time I spend with him the more I do actually like him. And the fact is I don’t want to be out there dating anyone else. He specifically asked about Mr. C&O, who I have been avoiding blogging about since Mr. Green does occasionally read my blogs. And although Mr. C seems like a great guy, the problem is I just have been avoiding our actual first date because it doesn’t feel right! And it’s not Mr. Greens permission that I needed (in fact I was a little disgusted when he told me that I should feel free to continue to date other people). It's like in the Break-up with their fight over the dishes, I just want him to NOT want me to date other people! But the real question is, how long can I wait for someone who probably isn’t ever going to want to be with just me? If after 2 months he doesn’t know, I think we both already have that answer… which is just plain old no I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. And maybe it’s because of the place he's at in his life, maybe it’s the distance, his age, my annoying pressuring of him or maybe it’s just me… I don't know if I will ever know. But for now I’m going to wait it out a bit longer because the truth of the matter is I do like him. And despite his lack of interest in commitment he is actually a really good guy, lets just see if he can transition into a great one.

But for now I head to Jamaica at the end of the week and plan on forgetting all my romantic issues. After that we shall just have to wait and see. After our conversation he said that he still wants to continue dating me and wants plan a weekend up here for us to go see Point Break Live… so cross your fingers and lets see if that happens. Maybe in the meantime he will realize that I might just be worth the leap he’s afraid to take… I just hope he realizes that in time!