From my mother on her 60th brithday...

I am not an old woman....by CME

I am 60, I have lived a Lavish life, from Lorain to London. I have traveled in all four hemispheres; From south of the equator to dive on the Great Barrier reef, To North Pole Alaska to see Santa Clause. I have visited my family’s origins in the Czech Republic, Attended Mass at the Vatican in Rome, And prayed to Buddha in China. In 60 years; I have crawled, run, hiked, biked and walked the Boston Marathon. I have witnessed someone take their first breath, and another’s last. I have experienced ups and downs, But always saw my glass half full instead of half empty. It is so hard to believe that I am finally as old as my mother. I now walk in comfortable shoes, Buy a bathing suit without trying it on and eat desserts. I hate turning 60, but I love what has gotten me here . . . I love being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend And a cancer survivor who celebrates life every day… Including another birthday.

When hope doesn't float up

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

Sometimes my hopeful optimism breaks me down. And today I really feel it. When you are on the outside you can see that something isn’t working, that something will never work. You can look at a friend’s relationship and know that she’s just about to get her heart broken. And you can advise her. And you can try and be there. But no matter what you do or don’t do she’s still going to get hurt… and once again I’m just left hurt. But this time it’s more than just being hurt by a boy. It’s hurt by the same situation over and over again. Because at some point we realize that it’s not these boys but it’s us. It’s something that I am doing that seems to have them run to the hills… And for once I just have to say I give up. This has actually broken me. I’m sick of always having blind hope. Always “knowing” that it’s just going to work out… because what if it’s just not? Every guy I’ve dated in the last couple of years is right now currently in a great relationship. All these guys that all my friends have put down told me aren’t good enough, that they are the ones with the problems, with the commitment issues, that it’s not ME. The fact of the matter is it is, it’s me. It’s me that they didn’t love enough, or at all in some of these cases. They were perfectly able to move on with the next girl and give her everything that I never got. And yet I’m still here racking up one unsuccessful relationship after the next… Always the girl that stays friends with them. Always the girl who is just there. The one who calls. The one who is the push over. The one who always forgives. The one who makes sure they are ok. The one who in the end just doesn’t move on. Well I’m done being that girl. The girl that at the end of the day just ends up with her heart broken in her hands… and I’m sure I will piece it back together like I usually do. But what do I do know that I finally realize that it may be pieced back together, but it’s just never going to be the same. What do I do when I start to realize that maybe that happy ending isn’t mine. That maybe at the end of the road there is just me. And there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Dating 5, Friends 4!

After Mr. Piranha left for a buddies wedding in New York this weekend I prepared for 5 days with no communication… instead I have had constant text messages from him including a picture of my favorite hot dog place in New York. Which just left me with a constant grin on my face all day, even while at work- which was insanely grueling… I feel we may be inching out of the friends zone. More to come, but am exhausted!

Dead tie- Friends 4, Dating 4?!

So Tuesday night I had a first date… well at least that’s what it felt like. But in fact I still don’t know exactly what it was or what it meant. Does he want to just be friends? Does he want to go back to dating? So I will let you decide what the final tally was…

After spending the afternoon yelling at the Lakers Game with my boys down at Big Wangs I went over to Mr. Piranha’s place for a movie night with his roommates (Dating 1, Friends 0- wanted me to meet the friends)… and it felt…awkward (Dating 2, Friends 0, felt like first date). We both didn’t know what to do with each other. I was nervous going over because I haven’t seen him since we got back from Havasu a week and a half ago and didn’t know what to expect. And instead of a night with just the two of us feeling things out, we spent them in the constant company of his 2 roommates (Friends 1, Dating 2- he didn’t seem to want to be alone with me!). Mind you I didn’t mind hanging out with his roommates, but on the other hand neither of us knew how to act and they didn’t seem to help things. And seeing as he was impossible to read I just kind of sat there taking it all in. The movie sucked so luckily we all talked through most of it, and watched their new kitten play with everything that she could find. And maybe it would have been just as awkward without the roommates there, but who knows. In the end we ended up sitting next to each other on the couch, not really cuddling but still up against one another. (Friends 2, Dating 2) I wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move, so I just sat there. And it felt really odd to sit next to him without touching him. Usually we would be all cuddled up with our legs intertwined and him holding my hand in his… not next to each other touching just barely. We both moved slowly closer toward each other as the night went on (Dating 3, Friends 2), and by the end my legs we sort of over his, but just barely (Friends 3, Dating 3). Still afraid to make a move. I could see him turning to look at me though out the movie (Dating 4, Friends 3), and every once in a while I’d look back at him… but was afraid to rock the boat. Didn’t want to come off to sexual in case he really does want to be friends, but on the other hand I think I may have given him the wrong vibe of me just wanting to be friendly. After the movie I was hoping we would go back to his room to just be us… nothing was going to happen sexually because among all our other problems I’m very allergic to cats and with a runny nose and sneezing I wasn’t putting off the please jump my bones vibe… so all through the evening we felt like strangers on a first date. Trying to feel each other out, double guessing what the other was thinking and all around not acting like “us” at all. Which is weird, because despite all the weirdness, despite his freak out, and pressures that I put on him we were always really good with the us part. We kind of just fit… and sitting there on the couch I couldn’t really put a finger on it, but it felt like we all of a sudden just didn’t. And so I sat there…

After the movie P ended up making a midnight snack (Chili Mac and Cheese Fries) and I sat on the kitchen counter and kept him company for the hour it took him to make it. When we finally were a bit away from his roommates we sort of went back to our normal selves… but the roommates were always right in the room with us, adding comments into our conversation. And although we were a bit back to normal it still felt off. It’s not that I’m not use to him put putting around in the kitchen. In fact it was always one of my favorite times with him. But this time instead of the touching and flirting we mostly stayed in our own corners… and as soon as he finished cooking I decided I need to end the awkwardness and head home (that and the allergy attack was getting worse)… as I made my goodbyes he leaned in and gave me a HUG (Friends 4, Dating 3)… it felt weird enough saying goodbye at the end of the evening instead of just crawling into bed with each other, but a HUG?! Though when I tried to end it he actually just held me tighter (Dating 4, Friends 4). And there we stood. With our arms around each other. My face buried in his neck for what felt like a lifetime. And then he let go and I was on my way… even more confused than ever. From where I’m sitting it’s a tie. Still no idea what’s going on…. But finally ok with just letting it ride. So maybe we will be friends. Maybe we will go back to dating… All that I do know is that it felt damn good to be back in his arms.

Mr. Piranha

Because I couldn't resist... while organizing photo's on my computer I came across one of the many pictures that I have of Mr. P from our time in Havasu. Let me introduce you to Mr. Pirannha!

Sometimes you can't love the one you're with...

You know those days when you run into an ex and things are great, you laugh, and talk and reminiscence and when it’s all over you are left with a sense of nostalgia and you just can’t seem to remember why you broke up in the first place? Well yesterday I had the opposite happen. I spent another weekend down with Mr. FB. One that involved lots of drinking and an insane volleyball tournament. We went to one of his frat brothers Volleyball Tourney down at Dockweiler State Beach. It involved lots of insane costumes, loud music, crazy drunkenness and a whole lot of fun. The problem was we were seriously drinking for the better part of the day so by 3 everyone was trashed. And although I was very drunk myself, I had one moment of sobriety. I looked over at Mr. FB being his usual fun loving outgoing self and I had one thought- that for the life of me I couldn’t remember why we ever started dating in the first place. Now nothing happened to make me change my mind about him. He’s exactly who he has always been, I just can’t remember why I ever found that appealing. And in that moment I realized just how appealing Mr. Piranha really was… and did stupid thing number 1 for the day- I called him. Now the surprising thing was he was actually really happy to hear from me. I was surprised that he even answered the phone… and I tried to tempt him into taking a break from working on his online cartoon later in the day with me. And he began to think about it… now drunk and not wanting to push my luck I quickly got off the phone but not before he decided that yea maybe he could use a little break later… so I continued on my day, only this time sobering up. After the tourney we headed to Mr. FB’s favorite place- Big Mikes, for some much needed dinner and then it was time to head back to my place for a nap. Now MR. FB was a little confused by this because all along I was planning on just napping there and then heading out later with him to the tourney after party. But in that moment I just couldn’t get away quick enough… These last two weekends with Mr. FB have been great. Just what I needed. We had tons of fun, I got to hide out at his place down by the beach, and it was sort of like dating but without the actual intimacy and sex. It’s just been really easy. And it was something to really smooth me into being single again after spending the weeks prior being in constant intimacy (and sex) with Mr. Piranha. And for that I’m very grateful that Mr. FB was there…but the sad thing was that at the end of the day it was Mr. P whom I wanted to crawl into bed with. And he’s the one who I just can’t be with. In the end he wasn’t able to take a break from his work. And I would like to say it wasn’t able, versus just didn’t want to be bothered with me. And he really does have to work all weekend for his huge pitch that he has this week.. And in the end I need to not only give him space, but give my heart a little space from him. Because despite it all he still is the one who put the smile on my face yesterday. The one who reminded me of just how great things could have been. And still the one who left me wanting more… Because as much as I want it, this sadly little Hardt doesn’t get to just climb into bed with him and nap away his fears… instead I will just climb into my own bed and dream that things can end differently. Because just for once I’d like this story to end with a happily ever after. After all, isn’t it about time?

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the LA and FB Part of the story.

And now the promised story on Mr. FB and how he fits into the saga with Mr. Piranha. Last I left it with Mr. FB he was dating someone else just as I started dating P… though turns out who he is dating is a former very famous child-star, former meth-addict, formerly married 2 times and currently going through a really nasty custody battle and living with her parents in order to stay sober. So needless to say instead of feeling hurt that he had moved on I kind of had a giggle about it. Yea I know that’s mean to say, but in the spirit of things I’m such a better catch. Though also in that same spirit P is so much better than MR. FB would ever be. So instead of us continuing the false friendship that we had, Mr. FB and I had a nice little break from each other and when hearing I was coming back to LA decided to take me out on my first night back and get me drunk to help forget all my problems. Turns out when I finally let go of any idea of us being together what we were left with was an actual friendship! And in fact it was him that really calmed me down about Mr. P… his advice to me was that nothing had actually changed in Mr. P’s feelings for me. All he was was a little scared and that if I give him time and show him that I’m really am not going to pressure him into anything than he will come around. In fact FB was betting that I would be in an actual relationship with P before the month was out. And it seemed like he might be right. Sunday afternoon I got a text from P asking how my day surfing went. And we sent back a few texts for a bit… mine a littler drunker than his. I was still with FB. In fact we ended up spending 26 hours together before I finally went home. He invited me to stay another night, and after a great day drinking champagne on the beach I was exhausted enough to pass out in his bed for a second day in a row but decided that I needed to get back to reality and headed back up to my own place...

And I woke up Monday morning feeling a bit more cheerful and sent a text wishing P good luck on his trip… a few hours later when he reached Mt. Whitney I got a bunch of flirty text messages from him and was really starting to feel good about things. When we last left it, he had changed his tune from his first goodbye which was well I’m sure we will see each other around sometime in LA (um seeing that we share a best friend I would say yes we will) to his new tune of ok I will talk to you later… and was feeling great until yesterday morning happened. I was feeling a little guilty by the fact that we had been hiding our relationship from most of our friends, especially from one of his closest friends- who we can call the girl I will never live up to. Now I don’t feel at all threatened by her because I know her feelings on him. But I just kind of wanted to feel out what he might have eventually confessed so I went to leave her a message and see if she wanted to go on a hike with me this week…to only find out she was already on one. UP MOUNT WHITNEY. On what was sold to me as a “Guy Trip” with a couple buddies from the Marines. Now I know I never asked, oh so no girls? But when you ask someone who they are going on a trip with and they only talk about the guys going, why would you assume otherwise. Now mind you I don’t care that she’s there. Besides knowing her feelings on him, I also know that they are hiking for a couple days, with no showers, no bathrooms, no running water. So even if he was hiking with Geiselle he wouldn’t be looking to get laid. What I had a problem with is the fact that he lied to my face about who was going. We even had a running joke on how he would have to cuddly with his buddy Charlie because it was so cold… But in the long run it was me left out in the cold. Now I have no idea why he chose to lie by omission. But right now I don’t think I care to find out. No I’m not going to confront him…in fact I’m just tired. Tired of once again putting my trust into someone who obviously just doesn’t deserve it. Maybe he thought I already knew. Maybe he didn’t want it to upset me. Maybe he just didn’t care… who knows. But for once I think I maybe the one to just walk away. Sure it seems like he’s making the baby steps to make this work. But after this stumble, I think it will be me that is going to run away. Because I’m sick of being the one who always gets hurt in the end…and this time it’s much easier to just walk before that happens. Which is hard, because for once here is an amazing guy, who just can’t seem to leap…