Orgasms and Lattes.

After an exhausting weekend with work, a road trip to San Diego and a crazy date on Thursday night I managed to spend a pretty relaxing Friday night hanging out with Mr Ex. We both were tired and just wanted an early night, so ended up watching a movie and both falling asleep around 10… yes it was very exciting up here in Los Angeles! Now as Mr. Ex put it we both have gone around and around (and around) so many times it’s just comfortable between us now. And since we both prefer to have someone in our beds it’s normal for me to just stay the night up there after we watch movies. Both of us in our PJ’s with just a bit of cuddling but mostly just sleeping… which of course is fine by me, I’m not at the place to start up a new sexual relationship with someone, even if it is with an old sexual partner. I am not the kind of girl that would be ok having sex with someone on a Wednesday night and then again on Friday with someone else. Call me old fashioned, call me naïve, call me crazy (especially since certain people think it's normal to have sex with two different people in the same week, I just don’t)... Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy myself a good cuddle and doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the company of other men. After all I’m only human! Though it is a little unfair to Mr. Ex… because although he knows the score, that doesn’t stop him from trying on his Saturday mornings to change my mind. So far it hasn’t happened…. And yes this morning after have a very nice lie in, it was tempting. Because really what’s stopping me. But I guess there is a little voice in the back of my head going- this is not what you want. And that voice is loud enough for me to say no… at least for now.

Tears Before Cheese.

“It's hard to find the good in someone when you have already found the best in someone else”

Last night I went out with Mr. USC, though really we should call him Mr. Perfect on Paper- 30, did his undergrad at UCLA and his law degree from USC, now works in Real Estate Development, training for the marathon and has a very cute set of dimples. All in all, perfect on paper, exactly the kind of guy that I should be dating. One that wined and dined me, literally! But sometimes a girl needs more than that. And on the heels of three of my friends getting engaged this week, I think I’m waiting for that spark. And last night I just didn’t feel that spark. We had a great time, hit two different wine bars (with amazing cheeses at each), consumed lots of wine and a bottle of champagne, went to one of my favorite bars for a late night snack of sweet potato fries and beers to compliment them. All in all it was an evening which I usually would then follow with- it was a great first date. Except that it came on the heels of my trip to San Diego…

The fact is I went into the date in tears… luckily he was late so I was able to save face, put on a little make up and turn myself back into the fun exciting girl he met the week before. The thing is I’m just so damn frustrated… and after having a horrible day yesterday the last thing I wanted to do was go on a first date. Pretty much all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with Mr. G, fall asleep and start the day over. And after the events of the day and my frustrations with myself, my life and men I got in my car and the tears just started falling. Luckily some good company and some great wine got me out of my funk. So he’s not going to be my Mr. Right, and most likely he’s not going to even be my Mr. Right now. And maybe it’s good that there isn’t that spark… so ok there won’t be sex, but there sure as hell will be wine and laughter. And for me, for now, that’s just about right.

Handprints on the glass door...

On my drive home from San Diego today I got to thinking about great sex… we’ve all had enough bad sex, and mediocre sex and just going-through-the-motions sex to really appreciate it when it gets GOOD… But it’s hard to pinpoint what it is that makes it good. I’ve had horrible sex with guys I’ve been in love with and fantastic sex with guys I haven’t. I’ve been with large, small, pierced, circumcised, uncircumcised… I’ve had the passionate sex and the crazy positions and the interesting locales… but sometimes it’s just great without a reason. Because great passion doesn’t always come from great love. Though great love does some times result in great passion… That passion though, often comes from some place else, the question is where?

It then got me to thinking about sexual ruts. Yea I know, I had way too much time on my hands during my drive home but we all get into a rut sometimes with our partners. We see them in and out most days, and sometimes the sex life becomes just as routine as the rest of our life… but if you don’t have a chance to get into a rhythm or a rut with someone, does that mean it will stay good. Or is it only good right now for me, because there isn’t a chance to get into a rut. Because I will admit it- I’ve been having some pretty fantastic sex lately. And although there is an attempt to make it a weekly “routine” so far there isn’t anything routine about it. It’s crazy, out of the box, passionate handprints on the glass door kind of sex... But as much as I love a good crazy night of sex, there also is a moment that I crave more than that, it’s the moment while I am sleeping. It’s the moment when someone reaches for me in the middle of the night, and just as they are snuggling close I can feel a kiss on the back of my shoulder. It’s the moment that I feel a tug at my heartstrings. Because it’s not done to get anything back. It’s not done to initiate sex. It’s done just because they just can’t keep their lips off of you. And it’s the moment that makes me keep coming back. Back to good sex. Back to bad sex. And back to sex that I know is bad for me. So for all the naysayer out there that this week have asked me, what the hell are you doing- it’s that moment. That is what I’m doing…

Mr. Wyoming

There are things that are appropriate to email to an ex, “Too bad you aren’t around, all I want to do is crawl into bed with you” is NOT one of them. But for those of you just tuning in let me recap Mr. Wyoming and I so you can understand why I was so offended by that. We had met years ago while working on a stunt show up at Universal. At the time I was dating Mr. Ex, and I knew that Mr. Wyoming was interested in dating me. But I basically just used him to make Mr. Ex jealous. Meaning we would hang out, I would flirt but that was about the extent of our relationship. Mr. Wyoming and I met again a year later during one of my many break offs with Mr. Ex. We ran into each other at a bar and the rest is as they say, history. We were inseparable for months, things settled nicely into a great relationship until his grandfather passed away. While he was back in Wyoming for the funeral his mother started her campaign to break us up, I know this because she actually told me this one day while she answered his phone… and I’m not too proud of this, but I took it as a challenge and did my best to make sure he came back to LA and back to me. And after quite a few late night phone calls and a few naked pictures he was back in my bed. The only problem is that we were jinxed from the start, he only came back top LA to be with me. And we all know that never works out… About a week later his father flew out here… now I’m a little fuzzy on all the details, I’ve finally been able to put together most of what happened… but turns out his family didn’t think he was helping his acting career by playing around with me, so they gave him an option. They would continue to fund his attempt to become an actor or he could continue to date me. Turns out money really does talk, because I was the one kicked out the door.

Now this is where the story should have ended… but it doesn’t. Instead it follows years of us breaking up and getting back together. Many many late night fights. Lot of late night visits. And a few explosions. The final one happened last November when I finally kicked him out of my bed and my life for good. Our last contact was an extremely long email. I made it very clear that I wanted him out of my life, and it was something he has respected until this week. This week I woke up to an email in my inbox from him. Just two lines, nothing much. And I responded very vaguely hoping that this would be the end of it. But after a couple emails he did what he always does- invite me out. This time it was to Porn Star Karaoke. Yes you read that right. Yes it is karaoke. Yes there are porn stars. No I did not go… but after I rejected that idea, he suggested drinks this week. And I exaggerated and told him I was already down in San Diego but maybe drinks when things settle down… to which I received his drunken email… Telling an ex, who has expressed preference to never see you again, that you want to crawl into bed with her, is really not the best idea.

And as upset as I was that he would even think that it was ok to send that, I was even more infuriated with myself that over the years I have led him to believe that something like that is ok. That I’ve been ok being friends with benefits, and that I’ve had so little respect for myself in the past to allow that to happen… though the more I thought about it the more I thought, is that really in the past? The Mr. Wyoming part yes. But the rest of it, maybe not. I sit here this morning curled up in Mr. Green’s bed after yet another night in San Diego. Because really am I not just going on the same path once again? That was never more apparent than it was last night. When we were dating I was excited to meet Mr. Green’s friends, I thought they were great and usually had fun with them. In fact I really enjoyed being out as part of a couple. But last night while hanging out with one of his friends I was actually embarrassed. Embarrassed that his friends know that I have been driving down to see him. Embarrassed that his friends know that I'm not the only one in his life, but probably also know the other girls that he dates and the other girl that he’s been sleeping with. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve been having a great time with him… We both enjoy each others company. Our sex is better than ever. And one of the best parts is that there haven’t been any expectations. None of those where is this heading discussions or why don't you want to be in a relationship arguments. Instead I’ve been able to finally enjoy just being with him. But it turns out maybe just being with him isn’t enough. Because embarrassment shouldn't be the first thing you feel in a morning...

“She’s the vice president of Fantasy Land…”

I would have to say my greatest weakness, but also one of my greatest charms is that I fall head first into things. In life, in love, in dreams… I always believe that something bigger and better is just around the corner. Sure I get depressed and upset, but at the end of each day I can look back and think well that’s over, let’s move on to the next. Every night that I’ve fallen asleep in tears I’ve woken up to dreams of grandeor…But some days and people make me look back and think… sometimes it’s just hard to believe that all is for the best. And I have to say that today is just one of those days. And that’s kind of sucks. Because I like living in my fantasy land. I believe in the best of people. I believe in second chances (and third and forth and fifth)… despite it all I still believe in love. I believe my friends really are my family, no matter what we may say/do/or believe. I take a person at their word. When I get an idea in my head, I start to make plans. I can’t help myself, I just get caught up in the moment in life, in the possibilities that could be. And most of all I still believe that one day he will be standing out side of my window holding a boom box over his head. And maybe that’s why I do the things I do… because in the end I believe in those fairytale endings, in pots of gold at the end of rainbows and silver linings on every dark cloud.

But its days like today that makes me disbelieve a little… disbelieve in certain lovers. Disbelieve in certain friends. And disbelieve in life. Because some days you just wake up and realize that sooner or later you will have to come down to reality. Maybe my pixie dust has lost its magic or maybe it was never there to begin with… but I’m hoping that I wake up tomorrow and all is right with the world again. Because living a life without a little hope, really isn’t living life at all.

You're my person...

Cristina: The clinic has a policy. They wouldn't let me confirm my appointment unless I designated an emergency contact...person. Someone to be there just in case, and to...help me home...after... Anyway, I put your name down. That's why I told you I'm pregnant. You're my person.
Meredith: I am?
Cristina: Yea, you are. Whatever.
Meredith: Whatever.
Cristina: He dumped me.
[Meredith puts her arm around Cristina]
Cristina: You realize this constitutes hugging?
Meredith: Shut up...I'm your person.
Greys Anatomy

Today I was reminded once again that I do not have an in case of emergency person… sure I have friends that will bail me out of any trouble, even post money to get me out if necessary. But what I don’t have is that Person. That person that wants to be there for me no matter what, and today I needed that no matter what. While getting off the freeway my brakes went out on me on the off ramp. I can’t say that my life flashed in front of my eyes, but as I was spinning out of control off the ramp the only thought in my mind was please don’t let me die. In shock I rolled into the gas station on the corner and pulled my parking break to get the car to finally stop. And then I had a moment of what next. Luckily there was a guardian angel sitting on my shoulder today, because except for a scare so bad I was shaking and close to tears I was fine. I was able to stop my car just short of going into a wall and except for some engine problems, that’s currently getting fixed at the shop, there were no other problems with my car.

But there I found myself at the gas station waiting for the tow truck to come and get my car with no person that wanted to come and get me. Now don’t get me wrong the first friend that I did call was able to come and get me, no questions asked no worries. But I know that it wasn’t what she had planned on doing on her Sunday… and I have to say it’s a little sad that at 29 the first person I called when I finally stopped my car was my father. Because really he is my in case of emergency. There is no one else to call. No boyfriend waiting at home to make sure I was ok. No husband to come and pick me up and tell me don’t worry we will figure out how to pay for this. No finance to drive me to the shop and wait while they looked at the car and to try and translate what the mechanic was saying to me… instead it was just me. Just me freaking out how I’m going to get it fixed. Just me trying to explain to my father what the mechanic was trying to tell me. And just an empty apartment to go home to. And maybe I’m just being overly dramatic. Maybe I just had a really big scare. And maybe I’m just being a big baby… but sometimes the loneliest thing is to come home alone when all you want is someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok…

Postcards from the edge.

Ok I guess its confession time. I was hoping to delay it. Partly because I know I will get flack from my girls for it and partly because he still reads my blogs, but here goes- I spent part of the week in San Diego with (gasp!) Mr. Green. Now it’s not what you are probably thinking. It wasn’t a last ditch effort to try and convince him to make us work. In fact over the last few weeks I realized that’s never going to happen. I’ve also realized that as much as I would like that, it’s probably not what I need in my life right now. I’ve finally gotten my life back on track and am thoroughly enjoying having my mojo back… including enjoyed having cute men send over bottles of champagne during nights out with my girls this week. But that’s an entirely different story, lets get back to the one with Mr. G and my road trip down south… For the first time since probably our first date I was able to just spend time with him and enjoy that time. There weren’t any worries of when will I see him again, or where is this going or the dreaded why don’t you want to be in a relationship talk. Instead there was just some food, some laughs and some great sex… yes I said it, we did have sex, sex in the living room, sex in the bedroom, sex on the kitchen table... I mean come on, you know I wasn’t going down there for DINNER! The only negative thing that came out of my trip was I realized just how much time this summer I wasted trying to figure out what was going on between us instead of just enjoying what we had. I spent way too much time pushing him away. Too much time trying to make him into the “boyfriend” and not enough time just enjoying who he was. And it seems that now that I can take out the expectations, what I am left with is someone who I enjoy spending time with, someone who I am able to have political discussions with, someone who enjoys eating as much as I do (yea I know that’s odd, but such a plus), someone who really doesn’t mind the extra weight on my middle but instead finds my insanely sexy just as I am, and most importantly someone whom I’m very sexually compatible with. Not to mention he did look very sexy leaving for work in a suit on Friday morning...

And it was nice to know that he missed me, and yes for once it was him telling me how much I was missed! And it was nice that for once he wanted me to stay longer instead of thinking of me as someone he had to entertain and a chore. In fact within 20 minutes of me being there he was trying to get me to call in sick the next day so we could spend more time together. And it was nice for once to get an invite down to San Diego, he has since suggested we make this more of a weekly arrangement. Something I could definitely get use to… but for now I’m just happy the way things are going in my life. And maybe there will be a new romance, I have drinks with Mr. USC next week, maybe there will be an old romance rekindled… but for now it’s nice to know that at this moment I really am just happy.

And on leaving Mr. G’s place Friday morning I went to get a glass of water from the fridge and had to smile at what was on it, the post card I had sent from Jamaica. Because as much as he had tried in these last few weeks to make me think he was happy to have me out of his life, I certainly wasn’t forgotten… and that also is nice to know.

Sometimes a snuggle is all that you need.

So I’ve tried to be the strong independent single girl these last few weeks. I’m back in the dating game. I’m meeting men I actually want to have sex with (eventually!). I’m hanging out more with my girls. I’m having tons of fun. And my little positive voice is coming back to me. All around YAY’s… but at the same time I do have moments when I do miss having Mr. G in my life. Yea we still chat a bit, he was back east on a whirlwind business trip so he was bored and therefore I become important again. But it’s not the same between us, I’m finally not living in that fantasy that he’s going to one day come up to LA trying to make things with us work… and I finally realized my thinking was flawed, if he has to come up and make things “work” than it really isn’t meant to be. Because a relationship shouldn’t be work it just should be.

That being said I also realized I missed the companionship of having someone around. It’s gotten cold up here in Los Angeles. Something it rarely does this early in the year, and something I usually hate. It means I have to pull out my full wetsuit. Start turning the heat on before I go to bed. Pull out all the sweaters and jackets. But at the same time it also means Scarves, hot chocolate and baileys, soups, a fire in my fireplace and hopefully someone to snuggle with on my couch… because there is something to be said about having someone to snuggle with on my Saturday Nights. As much as I love to go out and have a wild and crazy night, there is something to be said about watching a good movie, making some popcorn, and having a little cuddle with someone in front of my fire. And this week it took Mr. La Jolla to remind me just how nice it is to just cuddle. So there wasn’t sex… in fact there wasn’t even a little T &G… just someone to snuggle up against in the cold and whisper sweet things in my ear. Because sometimes a snuggle is all that you need.

Holy shit there’s a lime in my purse!

Man when it rains it pours… and it sure is raining men over here in my world! After spending the summer waiting for Mr. Green to finally wake up, I had ended up in a dating funk of sorts. I would meet a guy, go on a date, end up totally uninterested and back at home text messaging Mr. G as soon as I could. But since I finally realized that I was the one who really needed to wake up, I think I might be putting out a hormone of sorts… and trust me I wish I could bottle it and take it out whenever I need it. I started off the week with a request from a friend to set me up with Mr. Bartender (my age, cute and works at one of my favorite bars!). After that I was asked out by both Mr. Text and Mr. Fireman (27, Former Minor League Baseball Player and currently a Fireman at the station down the street from my house). The later I had spent Friday afternoon with watching the Dodgers once again get their asses handed to them… So you can imagine I was feeling pretty sure of myself when I heading out last night with Marie.

Now in the past Marie and I have had a tendency to get a little wild… including picking up 9 guys a couple of years ago and bringing them all back to my apartment. Which has always been a funny story but something I never thought to repeat it… until last night! But that’s getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the beginning, which started out with a nice bottle of champagne (thanks Lisa and Brian you got to contribute to my night of debauchery) and a cab ride down to Finns, our local Irish Pub. The evening had been progressing nicely but kind of slow. We started talking to a couple of guys, had a bunch of shots and felt like the oldest woman in the bar. Seriously, when did everyone at a bar suddenly become so YOUNG… towards the end of the evening on my way back from the bathroom I was stopped by a young cute yuppie looking guy who asked why I was ignoring him, though the odd part was he said: “Hey Hardt why are you ignoring me”… turns out then while I was in the restroom Marie had approached a group of 7 young guys and had proceeded to sell them on me, I felt like I was suddenly on a reality dating show. There I was sitting down with 7 guys all vying for my interest… it was a little surreal at first, but after a few beers, another drink and an Irish Car Bomb I was kind of warming up to the idea of us and 7 guys, as well as warming up to Mr. La Jolla (Very Cute, into hedge funds and stocks, grew up in La Jolla and was 23- of course!)… After a few more drinks, a lot of flirting, a lot of making out in the bar (by Marie and her new friend Mr. Pro Drummer, and by pro I mean he’s a drummer for a very famous band) and lot of fun we decided to walk over to one of the guys beach houses to continue the party. I have to say from there a lot of the evening is a little fuzzy, though I do remember a lot more drinking, some music and a moon lit walk on the beach (by me and Mr. La Jolla because by 4 everyone else was passed out). All in all it was a great evening, and one that ended when we finally got a cab back to my place just before the sun come up… so today I’m sitting on my couch, exhausted and hungover but very happy with the way my romantic life seems to be going… because this time, it looks like getting back into the saddle is going to be a whole hell of a lot of fun!

My number...

While cleaning my apartment this morning I was listening to a morning talk show when a fact jumped out at me: The average American Woman has had 9 sexual partners, in New York that doubles… well I’m right in between those two numbers at (gasp) 15!!! So here’s the dreaded list…

1. Mr. Ex
Many people would be shocked to know that I waited a very long time until it was “right” to lose my virginity. I’m happy to say that not only is he still in my life but he’s one of my closest friends. As I’ve said before- I will always love him, just am no longer IN love with him.

2. Mr. Water World
One of the few “mistakes” on my list… And done out of defiance of Mr. Ex (it was the night that he vowed we’d get back together and I was annoyed at how certain he was that we would, thought the last laugh was on me- we eventually did get back together and I got stuck having very forgettable sex)

3. Mr. Wyoming
Serious Ex number 2…We were friends for a couple years, and oddly enough he originally asked me out while I was still with Mr. Ex. But ran into him at a bar a year later and sparks happened… The rest can be read about in the blogs. Luckily he is no longer in my life, in the long run he was more bad news than good.

4. Mr. Young
A friend of Mr. Ex’s (that is a trend, since I seem to meet lots of men through him, especially cute Brazilian ones)… nothing exciting to tell. Was WAY too young and as soon as I found out his real age he was sent packing.

5. Mr. My Harry
At one point I thought he was the one… luckily I’d seen the error of my ways, but we’ve stayed friends through a lot! I think if our sex was better maybe it could have gone a different way over the years, but as it is we are better friends than lovers.

6. Mr. Military
Let’s just say my first experience with maybe bigger isn’t always better. But he had an amazing place right on Manhattan Beach, so I will remember skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean fondly.

7. Mr. Pro Surfer
We met surfing in Mexico… he was a fun one! And damn did he ever have an amazing house down there, complete with the largest selection of surfboards I have ever seen. I had an orgasm just looking at them! That and he use to sing Jimmy Buffet to me, looking back maybe HE was my actual soulmate!

8. Mr. Arizona
Probably one the best sex partners I’ve had, spans way too many years and way too many heartbreaks. Because sometimes too much chemistry just leads to a big explosion. But he will always have a place in my heart.

9. Mr. Brazil
One of the many to help me get over Mr. Arizona… and of course another of Mr. Ex’s friends. We only dated for a bit, but it was interesting since he spoke very little English!

10. Mr. Boss
One of my friends bosses, known him for a couple of years, and the second and final one night stand I’ve ever had or will have! Hey it was New Years Eve… I have an excuse! All I remember was he was Irish and hairy!

11. Mr. DJ
I knew it was doomed when I met him while Mr. Wyoming and I were in a fight and had left me at a club… but at least I got a couple of fun nights out clubbing with him, though he lived in a loft bed… felt like I was back in college having to climb into a bed at night!

12. Mr. Baby R
Broke up with me by standing me up for dinner with friends of mine visiting from NY. Turns out when you date someone who is still in college, you will get treated like you are that sorority girl you never wanted to be.

13. Mr. High School
Luckily our sex was horrible and he lived in San Diego… actually ended things when I had my broken nose after I had to cancel a trip down south- due to surgery! One regret I have with him is that I lost a good friend that I’ve had for over 10 years, and a surfing buddy when I’m down in SD!

14. Mr. NakedBartender
Biggest mistake on the list… and seriously pierced penis- in 3 places. Just wrong- ALL AROUND. But after all the blog about him, we really don’t need to rehash it all again.

15. Mr. Green
He’d kill me if I put anything about our sex life on here so I’ll use restraint…But we will put him under The Most Perfect First Kiss…And yes there hasn’t been anyone since him… yet! Looking forward to putting number 16 on my list! But this time I’m waiting for more than just butterflies…

Some memories are better left forgotten…

I’m in the process of getting my blogs together to get them published… which when I started to think about seemed like an easy process. After all, they already are all written, all posted and I’ve even gotten feed back on most of them. But what I didn’t take into account is that when it came time to editing and putting them together I would have to go back in time to when they were written. So many people have come in and out of my life, and so many ex’s have come and gone but trying to get back into the mindset of when I first met them, fell in love, had my heartbroken has been one of the toughest things for me… because really some memories and some feelings are better left behind. And with some of them it feels like my heart is breaking all over again…

That being said, I thought I would share with you a blog from roughly 3 years ago. Many of you have only started to read the blogs in the last couple of months… and I drop the names of many of my ex’s and always get people asking for a little more details about many of them… here is the one I’ve been trying to get through for the last couple of days. It’s taken me that long because it’s really hard to remind myself of who we use to be and the potential that I saw in him. Here is before Mr. Arizona broke my heart, before I learned that he got his current fiancé pregnant while we were still sleeping together, back when he was part of my family, when he had a standing seat at the dinner table for every holiday and before he walked out of my life for good. Let me take you back to November 2005:

THE WAITING GAME
November 25, 2005

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.ALEX KAREV- GRAY’S ANATOMY

Now I’m usually one for jumping into bed first and asking questions later… The whole principle of, if he is going to really want to date me than sleeping together is not going to change that. But you might be surprised that there is someone who I have waited for. In fact we waited exactly 2 years and 1 day to sleep together- not that I’m counting or anything ;) And let me just say that it was well worth the wait. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back two years…

Mr. Arizona and I had been hearing about each other for years… and we had it pounded into our heads that we were perfect for each other. Of course I was extremely doubtful. After all I had been told I was perfect for many guys and only ended up going on some of the worst blind dates of my life. So two years ago when he came to Thanksgiving I was in a relationship and he was living with his girlfriend so luckily it wasn’t a set up. But have you ever met someone that you just sparked with?! It’s hard to explain… But sometimes you met someone who you just click with, someone who you could see spending the rest of your life with. But we both were with people so we had a fantastic weekend of flirtation and that was it. Of course as soon as he was single he called, and I of course still wasn’t. And then I was single and he wasn’t. And so we went on. Always having bad timing… But a love affair began nun the less…

Which leads me to last year’s thanksgiving. Now last year I was going through the first (of many) break-up with Mr. Wyoming and wasn’t thinking straight. And he was back together with his girlfriend… But the moment he walked into the room I knew we were in trouble. We both knew it. Instead of that spark going away it had multiplied and was crackling between us…and after way too many shots we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. But that’s it… and since we live in different states that should have been the end of it. Of course it wasn’t. And over the last year we have seen each other a handful of times… Spent endless sleepless nights on the phone… texted each other gazillions of times…But every time we went out it’s been bad timing and we haven’t had sex. He eventually did break up with the girlfriend but things always got in the way and somehow I had become the "everything but" girl.

And then last Friday happened. We finally had the sex… and usually when you wait for something for so long it’s a complete disaster. But this time it wasn’t. The sexual tension added to that amazing chemistry and made the night fan-fucking-tastic… Now if we lived in the same city this would be the time when you would see “and they lived happily ever after”… But as we all know things don’t work out that way in real life. And seeing as I love LA and will probably never leave and he hates it here more than anything and even wants to move back to Wisconsin some day. Things are just never going to really work out between us. Now we will try like we always do… the text messages and late night chats have already started… plus a little phone sex to spice it up…. And we will still see each other on and off when I am back in Arizona but a true relationship can never happened. But in the end maybe that is the best way. Because instead of us hurting each other and ended up hating one another, now we will just have great memories… And one night of perfect sex to remember when we are old.

101 things... oh my!

Because I can, because I'm bored, because I'm missing someone so badly it hurts... 101 things about me. I never thought I'd actually get through all 101, good luck reading them. You are a trooper if you can actually finish!

1. Until recently I hated being hugged, even by my closest friends. Its sometimes still hard for me to be on the receiving end of them
2. I use to be one of the most positive people I knew… and I really miss that.
3. I waited until I was 23 to have sex.
4. I’ve only told one boyfriend that I loved him.
5. But have told two ex’s that at one point I had been in love with them, which came as a shock to both of them.
6. I’ve been called cold before, by more than one guy.
7. My mother once threw a chair at me.
8. I have days when I don’t leave the house and then others when I can’t be in it.
9. But I feel like a loser if I’m home alone on a Friday night.
10. I saw a photo of someone this morning and started crying. And it surprised me.
11. I was a nationally ranked debater in High School.
12. I’m still holding out for my Tiffany’s Diamond Ring.
13. At 6 I told my parents I was going to live in New York, and I did.
14. I tried chickening out of my Audition for NYU but was forced by my mother to go.
15. I wasn’t a jock in high school, but was on Varsity Tennis, Water Polo, and Swim Teams. As well as spent my summers at Water Ski camp on Catalina.
16. The first time I smoked pot I was caught by the police, Officer Webber and I was 15. And when I told that story at a wedding recently I left out a few details…
17. I’m still afraid of Airplane Bathrooms and have to put the lid down before I flush them.
18. In High School I made two documentaries one with interviews of holocaust survivors and the other on runaway teens.
19. I once crashed my way into a Snapple commercial.
20. I use to wear an actual dog collar to school and had a spiked belt.
21. The first concert I ever went to was Kris Cross and it was with my Father
22. First concert I went to with friends was Weezer at Soma.
23. I once was in a Buck-O-Nine video.
24. We ordered in pizza and ate it in the middle our college graduation.
25. I’ve swam in Washington Square Fountain.
26. I’ve walked into 2 screen doors in my life and broken both of them.
27. I once spent an entire afternoon picking change out of a fountain in Seaport Village.
28. The first play I ever saw was Oklahoma at the Starlight Bowl in Balboa Park.
29. The first play I saw on Broadway was Rent, I bet my Dad it would win the Tony. It did so my Mom agreed to take me.
30. The first play I was ever in was Music Man, I was 7.
31. My biggest pet peeve is to be told to talk softer.
32. I literally almost cry every time someone jokes about me being a dumb blonde.
33. When I get angry I get vicious.
34. I’ve broken most of the bones in my body.
35. I’ve been in 4 major relationships.
36. But only been truly in love 2 times.
37. I’m petrified I’ll never find another job in the entertainment industry.
38. I cry at the drop of a hat.
39. I love sex.
40. I’ve taken all of my ex’s (except one) back despite the fact that they all treat me like a doormat.
41. Without my closest friends I literally wouldn’t have made it through this year.
42. I’ve never felt as lonely as I have these past couple months.
43. Some days I want a baby so bad it hurts.
44. And yet other days I think that maybe I don’t want kids at all.
45. When I found out my ex was cheating on I actually had a moment where I couldn’t breath.
46. The first person I call when there is any sort of problem is my father.
47. My mother is literally my best friend.
48. My heart still stops when I think her being in remission for Breast Cancer.
49. I will forgive people for anything.
50. I can’t have someone be mad at me.
51. I push people away by being too much.
52. I once thought I would make my first million by 30.
53. I’ve goggled every guy I’ve ever been interested in.
54. I’ve been thinking about going to Law School.
55. I still look at a couple of my ex’s myspace page every once in awhile.
56. And on some days I still miss one of my ex’s so much it hurts.
57. When I lived in New York I had days where I needed to see the ocean and would take the train out to Coney Island in the middle of the night and winter.
58. I love a good wooden rollercoaster.
59. Best place I’ve ever had sex was on a beach recently.
60. I don’t recognize the person I use to be, and that scares me.
61. I’m the queen of drunk dialing and text messaging.
62. I’ve killed every plant that I’ve ever had.
63. I’m brutally honest, which always gets me into trouble.
64. I don’t play games which is one of the reasons why I can’t keep a relationship for more than a couple of months.
65. I once considered moving to another state to be with a boy.
66. I don’t believe “It’s not you it’s me”, obviously it is me or we’d be together.
67. Despite it all I still believe in Soul Mates.
68. I want to make environmental surfing documentaries.
69. I’ve already picked out the beach in Hawaii where I want to get married.
70. My family has only liked one guy I’ve ever dated.
71. I’ve been set up on blind dates by all of my friends, only one was ever successful.
72. I’ve tried online dating.
73. I’ve also gone speed dating.
74. I love champagne.
75. I’ve been applying for jobs in San Diego for the past couple of months because I’ve been thinking of moving back.
76. I was in a relationship with a married man, he was only married so he could get his green card, but it still was hard.
77. I’m still friends with the first guy I ever slept with.
78. I talk to both of my parents every day, and my grandparents once a week.
79. Every time I look in a mirror all I see is fat.
80. I’m in more debt that you can imagine.
81. I use to think that I would marry the man who would bring me cheese instead of flowers… until I had a man that brought me cheese instead of flowers!
82. I’ve been thinking about moving out of the country for at least a year.
83. I’ve gone through a break up every October for the last 5 years.
84. I can’t go a couple hours with out checking my email.
85. Every time I go surfing I still have a moment of panic thinking I’m going to break my nose again.
86. I’ve been caught having sex in a national park.
87. I could live on cheese alone.
88. I feel guilty every time I have a drink or eat anything other than an apple.
89. I’m afraid of flying and get motion sick.
90. I’m left handed, as is my mother.
91. I always get bored halfway through a work out.
92. I hate my arms, But love my ass.
93. I can’t sing or play any musical instrument. And I look like a short bus kid when I’m playing the drums for rock band.
94. My favorite flower is a Tulip because it reminds me of New York in the spring
95. I’ve have my heartbroken so badly in the past it actually hurt.
96. The only time I’ve ever cheated on someone was my high school boyfriend.
97. I’ve had one person actually truly hate me.
98. I love thunderstorms, the louder the better.
99. I watch the Shinning every Valentines day.
100. I love taking photographs and the drunker I get the more I take.
101. A friend passed away last year and I still think of her almost weekly.

My best of New York...

A friend called today asking for food suggestions while he was in New York… which got me to thinking about my favorite places that I use to haunt while I lived there. So I put together a list for him of the best of New York. Now you have to remember he is a straight guy in his mid 20's, from San Diego who spends more time smoking pot than in restaurants that demand a tie. In fact when I asked him what kind of food he was looking for his exact response was more like the burger and fry places… so here is the list of my best places for comfort food. Oh and deserts because every time I hang out with him the date will always end with Ice Cream!

Best Fries:
Pomes Frites
123 Second Avenue (St. Marks Place Area, East Village)
http://www.pommesfrites.ws/
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say one of the best fries in the WORLD not just in New York. You're only option is Regular, Large or Double Belgium Fries, but the real reason to go is for one of the almost 30 dipping sauces that you can choose from. My personal favorite was a mix of salsa and mayo and was to die for!!!

Best Burger:
Cozy Soup and Burger
739 Broadway (Washington Square Area, Village)

http://www.cozysoupnburger.com/
Now this burger (and burger joint) is by no means fancy or exotic. Here is the reason I love it- it's loosely packed ground beef so if you get the cheese burger the cheese melts all the way through the burger instead of being just on top. So it becomes a cheesy burger vs. a cheese burger. This also was a favorite of mine due to it's location in the Village and its closeness to both NYU and all the dorms- plus it stayed up all night!

Best BBQ:
Virgil's
152 W. 44th Street (Time Square Area)

http://www.virgilsbbq.com/
Now many people think that this place is too touristy, but one of the reasons I loved it is because I worked on Broadway and off-Broadway for many years and it was close to where I worked and had amazing food. Now I was never that into BBQ, but was obsessed with their Train Wreck Fries- Cheddar Cheese, Bacon, Scallions, Jalapeños and Ranch Dressing!

Best Hot Dog:
Grays Papaya
402 6th Ave. (Washington Square Area, West Village)
2090 Broadway (71st Street, Upper West Side)
Now I'm sure there are other amazing dogs out there in NY (and many will say nothing can come close to a Chicago Hot Dog) but Grays Papaya is an institution in New York, especially when you are a college student on a budget or drunk with the munchies in the wee hours of the morning.

Best Wings:
Firehouse
522 Columbus Ave. (Upper East Side)

http://firehousetavern.com/
Their Sexy Fries and Buffalo Wings are amazing…. Especially when you dip the fries in the buffalo sauce. Wings come in flavors of Mild, Medium, Hot, Inferno, Jerk, Bubba or BBQ. And wash it all down with an ice cold beer!

Best Bar:
Swifts
34 E. 14th Street (lower Village)
This Irish Pub is by far the most laid back one in the city… with sessions every Tuesday Night (at least they use to when I was in school). Now this one was my personal Cheers so that's why it made my list. But like Pizza places, every corner in New York has another cool bar. My personal favorites are more pub/dive less trendy 15 dollar cosmo places.

TIE Best Deserts:
Veniero's
342 E. 11th Street (East Village)

http://www.venierospastry.com/
Best Italian Bakery… Enough Said!

TIE Best Deserts:
Serendipity
225 E. 60th Street (Upper East Side)

http://www.serendipity3.com/main.htm
This is the corner ice cream shop that you have only dreamed about… World renounced for their Frozen Hot Chocolate. Usually there is a huge wait, but it is open until 3am and the wait does go down in the later hours, but it's worth every minute of it!

Best Pizza:
Joe's
7 Carmine Street

http://www.famousjoespizza.com/
This one is my personally favorite… but in New York you can't throw a stone without hitting a good pizza place. The key is that it's more like a Pizza Stand and less like a restaurant. You want thin crust and very greasy!

Steins of fun!

Last night I went out with friends to one of my favorite events of the fall: Oktoberfest at Alpine Village in Torrance. Now at first glance it would seem like a completely dorky thing, but at second glance you will see that it’s an unbelievably dorky and yet insanely fun thing. Now it’s unlike any beer garden you will ever go to. It’s held in this insane tent at Alpine Village, complete with live bands (all polka and German of course), large steins of beer (that I personally love to turn into hats!), lots of Chicken Dancing, some singing, some yelling and basically just all around good times had by all. In fact it was a perfect Saturday Night… complete with a date for next week. Mr. Oktoberfest is probably not Mr. Right… he’s once again young (26) but he’s a lawyer, lives only about 5 minutes from my house (a local for once, YAY!) and was more than willing to bail on his friends and spend an evening making hats with me. And maybe there weren’t any butterflies, just a hug and a kiss on the cheek goodnight. But right now I think that’s all that I’m looking for… plus it’s nice to wake up to a text message in my inbox from someone new!

So for now I am spending a very hungover Sunday alone watching the Chargers get their asses handed to them (once again)… and I have to say I’m happy about it. The being alone part, not the Chargers part. Because from where I’m sitting the future is looking a bit brighter this week. I have dinner tonight with Mr. Ex and drinks this week with Mr. Oktoberfest… and most likely neither will be around for next season’s football, but it’s nice to know that that might just be a possibility.

Cold Rainy Saturdays…

Due to Mr. Ex’s shooting schedule I spent a quiet night on the couch watching TV… which is kind of funny, because if I was dating him I would have been the perfect girlfriend last night. Not even upset or annoyed at him for shooting late. In fact I understand oh too well getting stuck on set. Though in this situation I think he might have been the upset or annoyed one. Because he didn’t cancel on me, it was me that canceled on him at the end. He was getting off around 10, so dinner was postponed to Sunday night, but of course he suggested going out for drinks last night around 11pm. To once again I told him that sex was off the table so I would just see him on Sunday for dinner.

So instead of crazy sex in front of my very warm fire (oh yea I lit it last night!) I spent it on the couch watching The Ex List… And oddly enough I found the concept of it amusing. The idea that you’ve already dated and broken up with your future husband. Which OF COURSE got me to thinking about my ex’s, and thinking oh my I sure hope that I don’t have to marry one of them! I mean they’ve given me lots of things to write about but not one would I even want to have sex with, let alone have sex with for the rest of my life! I mean there is Mr. Arizona who managed to get his “girlfriend” pregnant around the same time we were back sleeping together, so I could be a step mom. Or there is Mr. Wyoming, whose mother hated me more than I thought possible and who I would probably be living on a cattle range with before long. Then there was Mr. NakedBartender, I would be married to a part time underwear model part time webcam star. Of course there is Mr. Ex, who I could travel to Brazil with but would always have an empty bed because he’s usually all over the globe and the state working. Mr. My Harry who has a problem with monogamy. Or maybe Mr. High School where I could be settled down in Del Mar with, smoking some pot and surfing every day. At least with Mr. Baby R I would probably be doing the same thing I am doing now- On a couch in Santa Monica watching college football. It’s funny though, many of my ex’s I’ve thought that maybe I would end up. But you know what they say, unanswered prayers and all… looking back I’m very thankful for the fact that the relationships all crumbled at the end. Many I’ve stayed friends with, some I’ve lots touch with, some I'm myspace and facebook friends with and some I bet are reading this very blog… but it’s the future non-ex who has me captivated at the moment… the one who will make all those just fade into distant memories, a story to be told at a dinner party or a warning we give to our future children. It's not the past that I'm looking at this rainy Saturday, it's the future... and I can't wait!

Two ships in the night, but not a harbor in sight.

Two conversations last night really affected me. Weirdly in different ways, neither were serious discussions and the reasons they affected me had nothing to do with what we were actually talking about. The first was with Mr. Ex and the second was with Mr. Green.

Now the first one was dealing with sex last night and dinner tonight. Since getting back from being out of the country Mr. Ex has been once again hanging around. I’ve avoided having any discussion about us, because really there isn’t any us anymore. That being said, we both are single and it’s hard to resist having companionship of sorts. So I don’t mind having someone who wants to see me at the end of a long day and it’s nice to have someone who wants to take me out to dinner… so last night he called to invite me over for drinks which forced me to have the conversation I’ve been avoiding. I finally laid it all on the line and told him that although I have been enjoying having him back in my life I’m just not ready to start up again, mainly because I’m still hung up on someone else. But Mr. Ex is very pragmatic about things, his response was well is this guy as hung up on you… And after I honestly admitted that no Mr. Green wasn’t, Mr. Ex simply stated well he was and that he thinks he’s ok with that, as long as he can be with me… but the question is am I? Am I ok being with him knowing that I really want to be with someone else, even if that’s not possible? And the better question is why can’t I just let go of something that really never was in the first place? Here I have a great guy that wants to be with me, at least for now. So why can’t I just let that happen? For now I’ve agreed to dinner… and maybe further down the line something will happen with us again, but for the moment it feels pretty good to just have a good friend to spend my Friday night with.

Lets talk about SEX... October version

Once again I bring you Hardt Vs Cosmo… this month we will tackle questions from the magazine and questions from you my loyal readers… and seeing as my romantic life has gone into hibernation I thought that I better at least give you SOMETHING to giggle about!

Our Qualifications to give you, my readers, sex and relationship advice:

Cosmopolitan Magazine: 1st launched in 1886 as a family magazine, Cosmo now is the top selling woman’s magazine, with 58 international additions, printed in 34 languages, in over 100 countries.

Miss Hardt: Me. As you know I’m 29, single but have had more relationships (and relations) than are really necessary, and have tried pretty much all the positions in Cosmo so really I am the sex expert of “us”.

1) In my dating life, sex ruins everything! What am I doing wrong?
Cosmo says: I feel like a Grandma saying- Hold off honey! But maybe you should, at least until you are dating exclusively. You’ve got to try something different- or you’ll keep getting the same results.
Hardt says: And I can’t believe I’m going to say this- but for once I agree with Cosmo and Grandma. Here’s the thing, if you are just looking for fun I say run out and have all the sex you want. But if you are looking for a relationship than I would advise holding out for a bit. That being said, I often don’t take my own advice (ok I never take my own advice when it comes to waiting) and I have fallen into the trap one too many times of being stuck in the rut of dating or becoming fuck buddies with someone I would actually want to be in a relationship with. Though on the flip side I have friends that have waited, and it hasn’t worked out for them either. So really the best advice is to wait until it feels comfortable. When it’s right it doesn’t matter if you have sex too soon or make them wait!

2) I don’t like giving oral sex, but he does. I want to return the favor, so I’m hoping there is a trick to liking it more.
Cosmo says: You’re not alone if the act feels more like work than play. I hear woman complain about the gag issue a lot, I tell them to use their hands to control how much they are taking into their mouths. That stuff you see in porn of woman taking the whole thing in, unnecessary.
Hardt says: If it feels like work than make it more fun. I personally avoid giving blow jobs, mainly because I don’t feel I’m that good at them and maybe because I just am a bit lazy. But the trick I’ve learned is that if you take the blow jobs out of the box and make them more exciting, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t the best at it, it will become fun to you. For example: I’ve found that the angle while in a car is actually kind of fun, so give it a try while he is driving down the Vegas Strip or on the way home as a “thank you” for putting time in at a wedding with you. Take it out of the bedroom and make it your own. Trust me this is an event he will definitely be RSVP’ing to!

3) Advice to guys: The 4 sex moves she wants more of
Cosmo says: More Kissing (A longer warm-up act heightens anticipation and can make an even steamier main event), Soft Caressing (Men often forget that women’s skin is less thick and therefore, more sensitive than there is. Rough handling may feel good to guys, but woman crave lighter contact), Body Compliments (She needs to know you appreciate the time she spends primping and tread milling) and Longer Oral (Even if you love going down on your lady, you probably abandon ship once you’re sure she’s revved up).
Hardt says: Ok Cosmo really missed the boat on this one. Yes I do agree that it’s nice to hear that I look good but it needs to be something that you actually want to say not because you think I want to hear it! As for the rest: More Kissing, I’m sorry maybe when I was younger, but now I’m old and frankly most days I’m just too tired for a lot of foreplay! Soft Caressing- I think this one really depends on the woman, because for me given the choice between soft and hard I will take hard any day! And as for Longer Oral- Once again no thanks, lets get to the real party instead. But here are the 4 things I would like more of (Note: This is in general, not from a certain relationship): You actually wanting to do things I like to do without complaint (hiking, surfing, kayaking whatever it may be), Little romantic gestures (I’m not talking about cliché chocolates and flowers. More like little text messages saying you miss me, or holding the car door for me, coffee in bed on a lazy Sunday), Remembering little events in my life (when it’s a big day for me or you know I’m nervous about it’s nice to have that remembered), and lastly actually wanting to hang out with my friends (and remember the things I tell you about them. I know I share too much and you really don’t care, but they are my family. The least I can expect is you to want to do a Tuesday night dinner or remember which kid goes with which set of parents!)

4) I’ve been dating my boyfriend for more than two years, but recently I found his myspace page and saw that he is “single” and lists “women” as one of his interests. We recently talked about moving in together. Does this mean that we should hold off?
Cosmo says: Maybe your dude hasn’t updated his page in awhile. Some guys can barely remember to put on his pants let alone maintain myspace. Still it’s weird that you didn’t know about the page. Casually mention that you stumbled upon his myspace page and you were surprised and confused. See how he reacts. He might just laugh and say its old news… or he might get defensive. Either way he needs to update his status or delete the page.
Hardt says: Ok I know I’m the queen of being the myspace detective trying to guess the guys in my life every move, status and comments. But here’s the thing, you’ve been with him for two years and you aren’t apart of a page in his life… Even if it’s just a stupid myspace page it’s weird! If he really wanted to be with you he would be screaming it from the roof tops or at least put up a picture of you guys. So here’s the thing, he’s using it to scam women or maybe just a woman. But I can assure that he is. The better question is why do you want to be with someone who obviously doesn’t want people know that he’s with you!

5) I’m almost 30 and have never had an orgasm, with a man or myself. I’m not a prude, I enjoy multiple vibrator and love giving a good blow job but am afraid of what’s going to happen when I orgasm so I back off just before.
Cosmo says: Getting over sexual taboos has drastically changed my sex life, I used to be freaked out by the idea of watching porn. I attached some sort of 'dirty' stigma to it. But then my boyfriend convinced me to give it a try just once, and you know what? Bingo! Not only did I have amazing orgasms, but I realized that I was still a good person, that watching porn didn't turn me into a sleazebag. Now I try it all -- you never know what'll rock your sexual world." "I'll try anything once if it doesn't do it for me sexually, I don't try it again. End of story. But if it does, I've just opened the door to many more orgasmic possibilities
Hardt says: Get yourself a stash of new batteries, turn off your phone and lock your door. Don’t come out until you’ve had your first O! Now I understand being a little put off having it during sex, especially if it’s your first time. I personally rarely do during sex… but you must have some pent up aggression if you haven’t had one alone. And there is nothing to be afraid of. Yes there is tingling, and a little shaking, and tightening…. But really it’s just a great way to relax and distress (not to mention the one sure fire way to get rid of cramps!). And trust me once you’ve gone O you are never going to want to go back.