Comfort in the arms of an old friend

I have an often confusing and complicated relationship with most of my ex’s. Most of it stems from my inability to not remain friends with them. Something that often has resulted in more problems than they were worth, and more often than not with an even bigger hole in my heart. Some such as Mr. FB and Mr. Ex have turned out to be amazing friends and always there for me. Some such as Mr. Arizona and Mr. Green have just continually broken my heart until I finally reached my boiling point and kicked them both out of my heart and my life. But then there is one that is often more confusing and complicated than either of us know what to do with, Mr. Wyoming. We often can bring out the best in each other, but just as many times bring out the worst. Over the years we have continually walked this very fine line that eventually one of us crosses and some dramatic moment will ensure. Usually with one of us telling the other to lose our number and then without fail a couple months later he will usually call, I will resist, he will keep calling and then we start the trouble over again. To this day neither of us can really remember why we broke up the first time. I remember his father flying out and putting an end to it, he just remembers us falling apart… who knows what the real reason was, if there really even was one. But somewhere along the line we became connected in a way that’s hard to pin point. No longer in love with him, I will always care for him. When he showed up on my doorstep just before I left for Havasu I was shocked. In December after yet another odd freak out by him we both decided that this was not worth it. So when he showed up to apologize for everything over the years and to tell me that of all the people in his life that I was the only one who has every truly been there for him, to say that I was speechless was an understatement. And since I’ve left for Havasu we’ve stayed in touch with emails frequently, a few text messages and a few facebook comments. Since returning from Havasu I’ve hung out with him, but none of the old feelings came back. Just two old friends hanging out… but there’s something different that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to. I don’t want to know the difference; I don’t want to know where that difference can lead. Last night we once again hung out, had drinks in my apartment, went over some new changes I want to make (he’s going to help on Thursday Paint my bedroom and kitchen.)… And for the first time in a long time we ended up back in my bed. Now he and I never really got out sex life together, it became a big joke that we really were just not sexually compatible. And for a good part of last night it was the same as always. We ended up stopping and just laid in bed laughing about it. But the changing moment was when he looked at me and asked why after all these years we just couldn’t get it together. And I knew he meant more than just the sex. And I kind of shrugged and laughed, a sign that we aren’t meant for each other I said… and yet after that the sex was kind of fantastic. And we fell asleep in each other’s arms to only wake up in the middle of the night and once again try a little fantastic out… and in the end I was left with a smile. Finally figured it out… just too late to figure us out. Maybe it finally worked because we were more honest with each other last night than we ever have been. We laughed, and talked and reminisced… and I was surprised that after all these years we are still so familiar to each other. In a way it’s like coming back to my past...

Sitting on the dock of the bay

View of my new office!

I’m sitting out overlooking the lake, glass of wine in hand staring up at the millions of stars… and just thinking about the last couple of days. It’s been exhausting, exhilarating, wonderful and scary all at the same time. I went on a 2 day whirl wind goodbye session with all of my friends over the weekend (including a very tearful goodbye from Mr. Wyoming that was neither expected nor something I would have every imagined). And left for Arizona feeling a bit scared a bit excited and just ready for the next adventure in my life. So far I’ve been reverse bungee jumping, spent an afternoon on the lake for a location scout, seen a naked sex doll (plus man y breasts and ass!) and many hours exploring my new town. Lunch was spent with my feet dangling in the lake and an ice cream cone in hand… I feel like I’m a kid again. Like everything I’ve ever wanted is right here at the tips of my fingers and that I could have anything I’ve ever wanted if I just asked… it’s a great feeling and the first time in a year where I could just let my breath out.

More details to come… but am fried at the moment.

Sending my love from the lake!
XXOO
Hardt

My Ghosts of Christmas…

My Horoscope today: You will be presented with two choices, both of which are really tempting. You can’t choose both, so pick the one that’s best in the long-term…

I had to laugh this evening when I read my horoscope… They got it partially right. There are actually three choices this week in fact. Tonight I embark on 3 ex’s in 3 days. I don’t know why all 3 have been brought back into my life, though Mr. Ex really has never left, but I’m willing to put it in fates hands and find out what my 3 ex’s have to offer… In fact looking at my choices it really is the ghosts of Christmas Past… though what scares me is this thought- if they really are my ghost then does that make one the ghost of Christmas past, one the ghost of Christmas present, and the final one the ghost of Christmas future.

Tonight’s the easy ghost… Mr. Ex. As you are well aware I’ve been dating him for the last couple of months and things are going really well. Things just are easy between us. There isn’t any drama. There isn’t any confusion. Just two great friends that like to keep each other company romantically in-between relationships and platonically when we are in relationships. Tonight is just a simple night. A Movie. A fire. A nice bottle of wine…

Tomorrow’s ghost is a little more complicated, Mr. Wyoming. His relationship and mine was never easy. We truly did fight but then make up in the most spectacular fashion… already I can see the spark between us. But mainly because we really do just drive each other crazy. Already since we’ve started talking there has been drunken messages and an apology (him to me) and we haven’t even seen each other yet! He's one that will never be my future or my present... but it would be nice to be able to put all of our past where it belongs, in the past.

The last ghost I’m keeping to myself for a bit.. Don’t worry he’s not complicated at all. Though I wouldn’t say he’s easy either. He’s right in-between… and I think he scares me the most. Maybe because he’s one that I’ve always had unfinished business with. One of the few that didn't break my heart!

Over the last week I’ve had to deal with a different set of three boys. One that I’m sadly still in love with, one that I’ve become more and more enamored with as I've gotten to know him, and one that I’ve found I’m very sexually compatible with. Three different boys. And those three also can be catagorized as past, maybe future, and present. But no matter what there seem to be way too many ghosts hanging around in my head (and my bedroom) for me to really move toward that future.

But none-the-less I sit here and wonder what my ghosts will bring this week… I know they really won’t bring my future. And I know I need to stop looking into my past. It always just ends up hurting me… Case in point this weekend. There is something about being told that you are not only replaceable but tradable that really gets to a girl… Never thought of myself as a trading card, and I never hope to again. I just hope I was worth the trade… But for now I’m looking into the future… maybe it will have my past, maybe not. But for now I’m going to just enjoy the next three days. Let’s just hope the fates don’t end up laughing at me when it’s all said and done.

Mr. Tumid (AKA best Dear John email ever)

Over the years I have been broken up with in many ways… many cowardly ways. I’ve been stood up at a bar (after 3 months of dating!), I’ve gotten a text (while I was already in the airport in Arizona waiting for him), over the phone and I even have gotten an email (or two)… but this one is by far my favorite. If you are going to break up with me, and don’t have the balls to at least call me, let alone tell me in person, please don’t do it by email. But if you have to, then I guess doing it in verse will at least keep me laughing for years to come. This is from an email from Mr. Wyoming that I received a couple of years ago. and believe it or not it really is word for word what he wrote. You can thank an old friend for still keeping what I had lost over the years… I now give you Mr. Wyoming (AKA Tumid):

I just finished rehearsal and got your message, but I figured if you have preached enough animosity, on the subject of my regard in your postulation, to your friends that they harbor an opinion such that I am unwelcome in their presence, I deem it unfit to enter the den with one who slanders my character then holds trysts and courts my audience behind the backs of those who would judge. Those who are unfit for your friends are unfit for you.

Tumid

Mr. Wyoming

There are things that are appropriate to email to an ex, “Too bad you aren’t around, all I want to do is crawl into bed with you” is NOT one of them. But for those of you just tuning in let me recap Mr. Wyoming and I so you can understand why I was so offended by that. We had met years ago while working on a stunt show up at Universal. At the time I was dating Mr. Ex, and I knew that Mr. Wyoming was interested in dating me. But I basically just used him to make Mr. Ex jealous. Meaning we would hang out, I would flirt but that was about the extent of our relationship. Mr. Wyoming and I met again a year later during one of my many break offs with Mr. Ex. We ran into each other at a bar and the rest is as they say, history. We were inseparable for months, things settled nicely into a great relationship until his grandfather passed away. While he was back in Wyoming for the funeral his mother started her campaign to break us up, I know this because she actually told me this one day while she answered his phone… and I’m not too proud of this, but I took it as a challenge and did my best to make sure he came back to LA and back to me. And after quite a few late night phone calls and a few naked pictures he was back in my bed. The only problem is that we were jinxed from the start, he only came back top LA to be with me. And we all know that never works out… About a week later his father flew out here… now I’m a little fuzzy on all the details, I’ve finally been able to put together most of what happened… but turns out his family didn’t think he was helping his acting career by playing around with me, so they gave him an option. They would continue to fund his attempt to become an actor or he could continue to date me. Turns out money really does talk, because I was the one kicked out the door.

Now this is where the story should have ended… but it doesn’t. Instead it follows years of us breaking up and getting back together. Many many late night fights. Lot of late night visits. And a few explosions. The final one happened last November when I finally kicked him out of my bed and my life for good. Our last contact was an extremely long email. I made it very clear that I wanted him out of my life, and it was something he has respected until this week. This week I woke up to an email in my inbox from him. Just two lines, nothing much. And I responded very vaguely hoping that this would be the end of it. But after a couple emails he did what he always does- invite me out. This time it was to Porn Star Karaoke. Yes you read that right. Yes it is karaoke. Yes there are porn stars. No I did not go… but after I rejected that idea, he suggested drinks this week. And I exaggerated and told him I was already down in San Diego but maybe drinks when things settle down… to which I received his drunken email… Telling an ex, who has expressed preference to never see you again, that you want to crawl into bed with her, is really not the best idea.

And as upset as I was that he would even think that it was ok to send that, I was even more infuriated with myself that over the years I have led him to believe that something like that is ok. That I’ve been ok being friends with benefits, and that I’ve had so little respect for myself in the past to allow that to happen… though the more I thought about it the more I thought, is that really in the past? The Mr. Wyoming part yes. But the rest of it, maybe not. I sit here this morning curled up in Mr. Green’s bed after yet another night in San Diego. Because really am I not just going on the same path once again? That was never more apparent than it was last night. When we were dating I was excited to meet Mr. Green’s friends, I thought they were great and usually had fun with them. In fact I really enjoyed being out as part of a couple. But last night while hanging out with one of his friends I was actually embarrassed. Embarrassed that his friends know that I have been driving down to see him. Embarrassed that his friends know that I'm not the only one in his life, but probably also know the other girls that he dates and the other girl that he’s been sleeping with. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve been having a great time with him… We both enjoy each others company. Our sex is better than ever. And one of the best parts is that there haven’t been any expectations. None of those where is this heading discussions or why don't you want to be in a relationship arguments. Instead I’ve been able to finally enjoy just being with him. But it turns out maybe just being with him isn’t enough. Because embarrassment shouldn't be the first thing you feel in a morning...

Some memories are better left forgotten…

I’m in the process of getting my blogs together to get them published… which when I started to think about seemed like an easy process. After all, they already are all written, all posted and I’ve even gotten feed back on most of them. But what I didn’t take into account is that when it came time to editing and putting them together I would have to go back in time to when they were written. So many people have come in and out of my life, and so many ex’s have come and gone but trying to get back into the mindset of when I first met them, fell in love, had my heartbroken has been one of the toughest things for me… because really some memories and some feelings are better left behind. And with some of them it feels like my heart is breaking all over again…

That being said, I thought I would share with you a blog from roughly 3 years ago. Many of you have only started to read the blogs in the last couple of months… and I drop the names of many of my ex’s and always get people asking for a little more details about many of them… here is the one I’ve been trying to get through for the last couple of days. It’s taken me that long because it’s really hard to remind myself of who we use to be and the potential that I saw in him. Here is before Mr. Arizona broke my heart, before I learned that he got his current fiancé pregnant while we were still sleeping together, back when he was part of my family, when he had a standing seat at the dinner table for every holiday and before he walked out of my life for good. Let me take you back to November 2005:

THE WAITING GAME
November 25, 2005

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.ALEX KAREV- GRAY’S ANATOMY

Now I’m usually one for jumping into bed first and asking questions later… The whole principle of, if he is going to really want to date me than sleeping together is not going to change that. But you might be surprised that there is someone who I have waited for. In fact we waited exactly 2 years and 1 day to sleep together- not that I’m counting or anything ;) And let me just say that it was well worth the wait. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back two years…

Mr. Arizona and I had been hearing about each other for years… and we had it pounded into our heads that we were perfect for each other. Of course I was extremely doubtful. After all I had been told I was perfect for many guys and only ended up going on some of the worst blind dates of my life. So two years ago when he came to Thanksgiving I was in a relationship and he was living with his girlfriend so luckily it wasn’t a set up. But have you ever met someone that you just sparked with?! It’s hard to explain… But sometimes you met someone who you just click with, someone who you could see spending the rest of your life with. But we both were with people so we had a fantastic weekend of flirtation and that was it. Of course as soon as he was single he called, and I of course still wasn’t. And then I was single and he wasn’t. And so we went on. Always having bad timing… But a love affair began nun the less…

Which leads me to last year’s thanksgiving. Now last year I was going through the first (of many) break-up with Mr. Wyoming and wasn’t thinking straight. And he was back together with his girlfriend… But the moment he walked into the room I knew we were in trouble. We both knew it. Instead of that spark going away it had multiplied and was crackling between us…and after way too many shots we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. But that’s it… and since we live in different states that should have been the end of it. Of course it wasn’t. And over the last year we have seen each other a handful of times… Spent endless sleepless nights on the phone… texted each other gazillions of times…But every time we went out it’s been bad timing and we haven’t had sex. He eventually did break up with the girlfriend but things always got in the way and somehow I had become the "everything but" girl.

And then last Friday happened. We finally had the sex… and usually when you wait for something for so long it’s a complete disaster. But this time it wasn’t. The sexual tension added to that amazing chemistry and made the night fan-fucking-tastic… Now if we lived in the same city this would be the time when you would see “and they lived happily ever after”… But as we all know things don’t work out that way in real life. And seeing as I love LA and will probably never leave and he hates it here more than anything and even wants to move back to Wisconsin some day. Things are just never going to really work out between us. Now we will try like we always do… the text messages and late night chats have already started… plus a little phone sex to spice it up…. And we will still see each other on and off when I am back in Arizona but a true relationship can never happened. But in the end maybe that is the best way. Because instead of us hurting each other and ended up hating one another, now we will just have great memories… And one night of perfect sex to remember when we are old.