Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Misadventures of the Hardt.

I’m sitting staring at the blank page and for the first time in 5 years I don’t know what to say. A new blog. A fresh slate. It feels exhilarating and yet petrifying at the same time. I’m afraid of making the same mistakes. Some will say I’ve already begun making them, yes I will admit I had sex with Mr. FB over the weekend. Some will say I’m destined to begin the cycle again with all of them. But this time I would like to think things will be different. Because I can’t go through this same hurt over and over again.

So here is the real story on the last couple of weeks…

I will start with the hardest- Mr. Green. I can finally admit it, I’m still in love with him. I don’t know why I can’t let go. All I can say is there is something different about him, something different about us. Though in the recent weeks I have found that I put him up on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. As has been mentioned in the blogs we stayed in touch. I told everyone it was because of him. But it was because of both of us. Me because I still cared so much. And him, well I will never know the real reason. I think he liked that I was still in love with him. I know he liked reading about himself in the blogs. He said he cared about me. But I don’t’ believe that to be true anymore. I let him weasel his way back in. First a text message, than an im, and then next thing I know we are chatting back and forth every day again. So much that we talked around us getting together, me coming down to San Diego. Now this is something that I told no one. Not even my closest friends. And that right there should have told me that something was wrong. But after once again another jealous trip on his part regarding me dating someone I somehow convinced myself that he really did care about me. And so I planned a trip down to San Diego. The day after I told him I was thinking of coming down I found out he has a girlfriend. And has had one for awhile now. So when he threw a fit about me dating Mr. FB, he was actually in the cabin in Big Bear that they rented together. When he was telling me how hard I was making him and asking me to send him pictures, he was actually getting ready to take her to a party and make her debut to his friends as his official girlfriend. To say I’ve been heartbroken is putting it mildly. I’ve been devastated. Since then I’ve found out that he’s already sick of her. Has already cheated on her. But haven’t spoken to him since I found out 3 weeks ago. He was up in LA over the weekend but I only got a lame text message from him late one night. He’s been checking the blogs to see if I’m going to write about it. But instead he just pushed me to do what I need to have done for awhile and that is to move the blogs.

Which leads me to the second chain of events. The reason behind the blogs. I’ve still been seeing MR. FB. Nothing major just a Friday or Saturday night here or there. Still talking a bit. And I was still clinging to the hopes that maybe he really is the nice guy that I’ve been looking for. And that we could finally get past the Mr. Uni part of our relationship. Turns out Mr. Uni had other plans. Now I don’t know why he did this but he forwarded on my blogs about Mr. FB to their mutual friends. Something that I will never forgive him for or will never understand. I did what needed to have been done awhile back. I have deleted Mr. Uni out of my life. In the past month since he found out about Mr. FB he has been obsessively checking the blog. And I don’t mean he’s doing it daily, I mean he’s doing it 10 times daily. Something that I was starting to find really creepy. So between the blog stalking and his using me as his punch line I am happy to now have him out of my life. It’s sad seeing as we have been friends for 15 years now. Sad to see someone who is a part of my childhood have to be deleted out. I don’t know what made him go a bit crazy. Mr. FB and their friends also have no idea what set him off. They agree that it’s just plain weird. And although it showed Mr. FB that he was loyal to the wrong person, it also proved that I do come with just too much baggage. And sadly he has enough of his own he can’t carry any more into a relationship. So yet again I’d like to say that we will probably see the end of Mr. FB… but I know I have no willpower. And despite being babysat by friends the last couple of days I’ve already managed to send him a text message (or two!).

But that is my trifecta that I alluded to before. You can see why I couldn’t go into the details. It was time to take my Hardt out of the situation. Time for a fresh start. I’d like to say this time will be different. That this time I’m going to stick to the plan. That I’m not going to go back to an ex. That I’m not going to jump headfirst into a relationship. But really no one will believe that. Though what has changed is that sadly I’ve realized that being open and honest is not the best way to go. And that’s a really hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve always prided myself on not playing games. By putting it out there. By just being honest about who I am. And one of the things that define me is my blogs. I also thought it was unfair to be writing about these guys and them not knowing about it. Turns out that the only person I was being unfair to was myself. So I’m sadly I’m going to start fresh with new readers and very little friends that know about this. Hardt is going back behind the curtain, maybe this will make me more honest in my blogs. Who knows. I know I’m not happy about this, but sadly this is the way it’s going to have to be.

Monday, February 23, 2009

All good things must come to an end.

Sadly the time has come for a new chapter in Hardts life. And this chapter includes a new blog. These last few months have been tumultuous, to say the least. But at the same time they have been cathartic. I have for the first time in my life been able to put my emotions out there for the world to see. Turns out that might not have been the best idea. I started the blog to get over a boy. It was that simple. I had been humiliated and heartbroken and the only way I could deal with it was to deal it with laughter. Make it a joke. Make it a story. Make it a blog. And so the blog grew… being out of work helped me have lots of time to write. I traveled back and forth to San Diego. Time to think of new blogs. I traveled to Jamaica. Lots of things to write about in new blogs. I managed to fall in and out of love, get my heart broken (some might say trampled on), jumped from job to job and eventually land where I am today. Now I was never ashamed of the blog. Never really embarrassed. And at the same time I was truly honest with the people in my life. I always admitted that it was out there. Always told the men I dated that I had a blog… and although that has come full circle now I don’t regret it. What I do regret is that these men continued to read the blog. Continued to try and be a part of my life through it. Over the weekend I found out that one of these Mr.’s had decided to forward my blog on… which some may say well at least he’s getting you readers. But what he did was forward them on to friends (and even a client or two) of someone that I had been dating. Luckily this person was already informed of the blogs, so it didn’t come as a shock. The only shock was when he found out that now his clients are able to read about him on the internet. As you know I don’t use names. I don’t even use descriptions. So for someone to betray my trust and out not only me but to also out one of these guys in it is unbelievable to me. This is my life. Although it’s also a story. And it’s dramatized to make good reading. This is my life. It’s not a joke. Or a game to be played with. And I truly was just played. But instead of sitting here and playing into this I have decided to be through… I let the possibility of a good relationship slip through my fingers because of the drama in my life. And sadly this time it wasn’t my dramatics that did it. But none the less it did. I think it’s finally time to really let go and move past all of it. I’m not upset. I’m not bitter. I’m just ready to move on. On to living my life off the page…

Those of you that have been reading this blog over this last year. Thank You. If you would like to continue to hear about the exploits of my life shoot me an email and I will be happy to lead you towards where you can find out about my life. And cross your fingers that these misadventures will be coming to a book store near you soon!!!

To be continued with love…
Hardt.
Excentrichardt@yahoo.com

Friday, February 20, 2009

Why I fall

People have been trying to dissect me lately. Talk sense into me. Trying and figure out why it is that I do what I do. Yell at me for mistakes I make. Judge based on certain actions. Though I think I may have reached the breaking point with being told all that is wrong about me. Granted I’m such an open book I will say it’s probably partly my fault. I blog. I update my facebook status every 30 seconds. I pick up the phone (or instant message) with every feeling I have. I talk and talk until my friends want to hurl things at me. But that’s just me. But when it comes to criticism it’s hard to take. So lately I’ve been just keeping a few things to myself. It started with a bit, and then a lot and then all of a sudden I’m starting to realize my book is closing. And that’s kind of sad. Last week when people found out about Mr. FB’s sudden change in tune, most of them were like oh well you weren’t that attached and you weren’t sleeping together… and all I thought was but I was attached and I was sleeping with him. I just was so tired of everyone judging my actions I thought I would just keep it to myself. I was sick of everyone placing bets as soon as I meet someone when it will end. How things will suddenly change. So I kind of kept the details to myself… so that now people are like how can you be a little blue about him… well here’s is how.

With Mr. FB I think part of it has less to do with him, as it is just what he represented. An actual nice guy. I can tell you the moment I fell for him, we were sitting at Q’s, I was a tad tipsy, date number 5 and still hadn’t kissed… and as I was looking at him he just laughed and said “I can see it in your face your are trying to hold back from kissing me. But Nicole it’s not going to happen at a bar. I’m not going to let our first kiss happen at just a bar. Because you can’t take back that first kiss”… and in that moment I just went, oh shit not again! But that’s what I fell for. I fell for that guy who as soon as he left the bar the first night we hung out sent me a blackberry message. Who sent me one as soon as I left every single night the following week. Who sent me one every morning just to say hi. Who would im me throughout the day, and answer my stupid top 5 questions with a laugh. Someone who wanted to hang out with me even though we weren’t having sex. Who wanted just me. Not my body (though now I have a little bit of an alcohol and laziness gut so I can’t blame him for that one!). Not for sex. But just for ME. I fell for someone who made me feel giggly. And I hadn’t been giggly for a long time, probably since Disneyland last summer. But I fell for the promise of what he seemed to be. I fell for someone who wouldn’t break my heart. Who complained that he often feel too quick too. Who wanted to hang out with me every day… that’s who I fell for. For the guy who was so excited for our Big Romantic Date that he planned it for 2 days. And knowing that I loved cheese picked a perfect place to go cheese and wine tasting. So excited that he went home from work exhausted and put music on and dance it out because he was worried that he would fall asleep as soon as he sat. That’s the guy I fell for. So it was just 3 weeks total… we had been talking for a couple months before that but I don’t’ count that. Just 3 weeks. But sometimes all it takes is a moment… some people say they fall for the moment they kiss someone, I can say I fell for the moment when I didn’t.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Karmic Cleaning!

So today I got rid of some things from my past… part of my whole letting things go. And I have to say this one was hard… and did involve a few tears. Mainly because these are the memories that I choose to remember. Things I wanted to hold on to. It was the box of boyfriends past. The one that housed the pictures that were left. The movie ticket stubs. The plane ticket to Chicago. Letters sent. A champagne cork. A lone Disneyland ticket. A fortune gotten for 50 cents on the Santa Monica Pier. An Amtrack stub… all the good memories that when we were together I wanted to keep. And all the ones that were too hard to remember after things ended so they went into that box. Well today I pulled out the box and said goodbye to the ghosts of boyfriends past… It’s hard for me to remember the good times. Some days I can think of them and smile, some days I’m angry and some are just hard. Today it was hard because they were all there. Just staring at me. Taunting me. Saying remember me. Remember how much fun you had that night. Remember how hard you laughed. Remember how it felt to feel his skin against yours… just remember. Because you don’t have a box for the bad memories. Only the ones that made you fall in love with them in the first place. And the pictures of you two together. The ones you never look at. They aren’t on your facebook page. They aren’t in the frames around your room. They are hidden somewhere. Maybe on your computer. Maybe in that box. Someplace so you can’t look at them. Someplace where you won’t remember… and today I looked. Inside that box were those happy memories. The worst part was looking at me in them. Not the guys. But me. Because I not only remember how happy I was. But I can feel it just looking at me. Looking at that twinkle in my eye that is gone. In that smile that was just so bright that day… and the ones where you can see me watching him are the worst. They just kind of take my heart out and squeeze it just a bit… and so I took everything out of the box. I looked at it one more time. I held those memories. And then I threw them out… maybe by letting go of these moments I will be able to let go of these men in my past. Though right now I’m hoping to just not remember.

PS This not using another boy to get over the first kind of sucks! I know it’s going to be good for me in the end… but right now, SUCKS!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Somestimes it only takes a moment

Sometimes it only takes a moment to remember… and all the memories come flooding back. This morning it happened unexpectedly. I came off a great week and a really fun night with my girls and Mr. My Harry. And after shots, jager bombs and pitchers of beer I was able to really toast out the stress of last week and really just breathe again. I was starting to feel human again this week. Really the first time I’ve felt like this in months. Just felt like the old Hardt again. Something about just letting go that really just feels amazing. And sure I wasn’t totally good this weekend about staying out of touch with the trifecta. I did send Mr. FB a message (or two…) and did wish Mr. Uni a Happy Birthday (but those of you that know me and birthdays know that someone could be my mortal enemy and I will still show up with a singing telegram on their big day!)… And yes I did have a minor setback last night a couple of beers in while practically snuggled up against Mr. My Harry (it was a tiny booth) where I did look at him (and his wicked grin) and had to remind myself why were weren’t together. But I was able to pull together the hormones, because we all know I can’t go down that path again… and I have to say I was pretty proud of myself for resisting. Maybe I will be able to make it these next 2 months after all! And then this morning I was hit out of the blue with memories. And my heart literally dropped. And I know it’s going to take me time before it stops hurting. And I know that every day it gets better. Every day I think about him less. Every day my heart heals a bit more… and I know one day I’m going to wake up and realize I’ve gone a whole day without thinking about him… but then I will have days like today when the memory is so strong it and it just hurts so bad it’s like my heart is breaking all over again. And maybe it might just be because I’m exhausted. And it might just be my 4 days hangover I’m on. And all the booze trying to get out of my body through all my pores. I mean I look like I’ve been on a non-stop bender. I’ve got the bags. The haggard skin. The bloated belly… Like Mr. Green Sr. said to me today- Are you trying to kill yourself before you turn 30… so maybe I need to slow down the drinking. But it helps. Doesn’t help me from making drunken text messages… but all the drinking this weekend did help me not think about him. And her. And really that’s all that I’m looking for. Though from now on I think maybe I will turn to the gym instead of that bottle of booze, because if at the end of these 60 days I’m going to need to be in prime form and not look like a mix between a cougar and a frat boy. Because no one wants to have sex with a Buddha belly!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

And the love bug comes right back and bites me

I am just starting to wrap up an insanely wonderful Valentines weekend… I spent it with the woman that really are the loves of my life. Once again they sadly were called to duty this week when I was left devastated again but the non-loves of my life. And like always was reminded just how wonderful they are. All lead crazy busy lives. Some have wonderful boyfriends. Some have kids. Some have husbands. Some have intense 24 hour a day jobs. Most had other plans. But instead they rallied around me this weekend. I spent the last 4 days surrounded by these wonderful woman- Alissa, Nicki, Janice, Kelly, Kelli, Riann, Katie, Sara and Sarah I am forever thankful you are in my life. They drank copious amounts of alcohol, ate lots of fattening foods, watched me cry my eyes out, hit the town (and painted it red), walked on the beach, rode bikes along the Venice canals, sang karaoke and sometimes just sat without saying a word. And for all of that I’m grateful. No crying left in me. And in fact when I thought I would be depressed on Valentine’s Day, I found myself exhilarated and excited. The women in my life are amazing. As are many of the men. Spent two nights this weekend with Mr. My Harry (as friends, nothing more, nothing less but we are growing into a very comfortable pattern). Spent way too much time dissecting my love life with Mr. Ex (he’s out of town this weekend but like always remembered to call and wish me a happy Valentines, our little tradition he never forgets even after all these years). And yes the love bug has tempted me back, but I’ve resisted. Of the two dates I have been offered, one I have passed along to a friend because I think he actually might be right for her. And the other I’m happy to see next month when he’s up from San Diego (and NO this is not Mr. Green)… and maybe a month is a good amount of time to figure out myself. But probably not… and for now I’m enjoying being alone. In fact it’s great. This weekend if I was dating someone I would have curtailed many of my activities. Instead I am now spending my 4th night in a row out late with my girls and Mr. My Harry… I was able to sleep in and be lazy all day without anyone bugging me to do anything. I was able to see the movie I wanted to see. I was able to flirt my way thought more than one bar without feel guilty. I was able to workout at the gym when I wanted. I was able to go an extra day without shaving my legs (hey it’s cold and sometimes I’m just too lazy to shave my legs!). I was able to be the real me. The one whose belly is extending way too far out. Whose face breaks out from all the stress. Whose hair right now is just up in an unbrushed pony. Who prefers her glass to her contacts. Who is enjoying spending her Sunday afternoon curled up in bed with a book and a glass of wine. Yes it would be nice to have someone to share the fire with… but until I’m ready a good book and some great friends are more than enough. In fact I would say they are just about perfect.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Some stories have happy endings... mine just has an ending.

Last year many things happened. Among them I a met a boy. Fell in love. And had my heartbroken. Now it doesn’t matter which one it was. You’ve read the blogs. Some can guess which. Many might guess wrong. But for the story it doesn’t matter which one broke my heart. What matters was I was devastated. But after all that had happened last year I wasn’t able to deal with this heartbreak. Mainly because it was too hard. Now you may be thinking- but you fall in love all the time. But I don’t. I fall. I fall in lust. I fall in like. And I may fall hard. But love, that’s something I rarely do. And as much as I’m open on the internet, letting my emotions really out are hard. So I stopped them. I didn’t let myself mourn the relationship or the guy. It was too hard to me to know that he wasn’t going to be there. That I wasn’t going to be with him. It was too hard to feel my heart drop every time I heard his name. So start crying when I saw pictures of us together, and sometimes just with pictures of him. To hard thinking of him with someone else. To hard to feel what I was feeling. So instead I tried to put a band-aid on a bullet wound. I tried to replace him. So I dated… and dated. I fell into one guy and then the next and an ex or two until I was able to convince myself that I was over the first boy. But I wasn’t. I knew it. My friends knew it. Even some of the guys I dated knew it. And instead of being able to be with these guys, I found ways to push them right out the door… because deep down I knew. Knew I wasn’t over him. Knew that they weren’t the answer I was looking for. And knew I wasn’t ready. Well it took me to this week to really take a look at what I was doing. Mind you I'm not saying that I didn't truly care for these guys. Because I did. And although I may not have fallen in love with them, a few did still break my heart very nicely. But it was easy to break seeing as I still haven't let it heal.And this weeks events made me sit there and just say wow I’m not ok with this. Though it only took the relationship trifecta in my life to all go KABOOM on the same day. So I’m going to do what I needed to have done in the first place. I’m going to mourn. Mourn the relationship. Mourn him. And really just say goodbye. Not cya latter. No catching him on the flipside. Just a final goodbye. I’m going to drink copious amounts of alcohol. I’m going to let myself feel lonely. And desperate. And sad. I’m going to spend lots of time with my friends. I’m going to kick box and become a yoga guru again. Spend long hours walking on the beach. Learn to cook a new food. Finally go skydiving. Finally paint that kitchen orange… And basically do everything I’ve always wanted to do. Even if that means picking up and living halfway around the world for a year. And spending my 30th birthday (gasp) alone. And maybe it’s going to take the next 60 days (at least that’s what I’m hoping it will take!) though maybe it will be longer. Sadly I know it won’t be shorter… or at least I know I’m not taking less time than that. Because maybe it’s time I stop searching for Mr. Right in every wicked grin I see, and start looking for the Miss Right that’s staring at me in the mirror.

Monday, February 9, 2009

It really isn’t you it’s me?!

"Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are."
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Over the weekend I went to see He’s Just Not That Into You… and yes I will admit I’ve read the books (even the sequel- it’s called a break up because it’s broken). And yes there was a character that I related to more than you can imagine. Jennifer Goodwin plays this serial dater, who gets her heart stomped on left and right, who can’t seem to make anything work, who holds on to any little hope because really what is there without hope and is basically just me. And towards the end she gets into a fight with the Justin Long Character (a womanizer who we watch throw away woman after woman) and as he’s yelling at her and asking her how she couldn’t read the signs. How stupid she must be to think that he wanted to be with her, because after all isn’t he the one who told her that if a guy wanted to be with you than he would ask you out… and she just looked at him, took a breath and told him that she’s just happy that she isn’t him. Because yes she gets her heart broken, and yes none of these people want to be with her and yes she stupidly goes out on hopeless date after date but that she does it because each time she hopes that maybe this will work out. She looks him in the eye and tells him that she’s just happy that she isn’t him. Because even though her love has been thrown in her face at least she’s loved because he has no idea what love is like. And it’s because of that, that she is closer to finding it than he will ever be. And of course I sat there and started sobbing. Because I could be that girl sitting there being yelled at by this boy. In fact I have been that girl yelling at that boy. Because I am the love-aholic. That one who falls in love at the drop of a hat. Who just tries and tries. Who just can’t seem to get this dating thing right. But even as I sat there waiting for the movie to start all the while on the phone being told by yet another guy that He Just Wasn’t That Into Me, I still have hope. I still accepted a set-up from one of my friends. I still got all dolled up over the weekend with the hopes that maybe just maybe I will meet someone right. And yes just like Jennifer Goodwin, I can see the phone isn’t ringing. I hold onto those good dates because I’ve had so many lousy ones. And yes I always fall for that guy that is constantly telling me- I’m just not that into you. And my heart broke watching her on the screen because it was like watching all my failed romances go by me. People often ask me why I go through the same cycle over and over again. How I can let these men treat me like the gum on their shoes and still talk to them, still wish them luck on their big days, call to make sure they made a flight home or come over to cheer them up when they are blue. I do this because I’m always going to have hope. Even if it’s blind hope. Even if it’s being stupid. And even if it just once again leaves me crying in a movie theatre… because I have to believe that all this makes me just that much closer to finding the one… because really if I didn’t believe that, then why even bother.

But really what I didn’t need to be told in this movie was He’s Just Not That Into Me… I don’t know what genius guy really thought that this would go over well with women. Because sure on the surface it seems like a great idea… And all feminist Rah Rah… BUT IT’S NOT. It’s them sitting there and telling us that really there is something wrong with us. It’s not them it’s ME. It’s ME they don’t’ want to be with. It’s ME all these men are rejecting. Not the fact that it’s clear that many of these guys have insane commitment issues, baggage from earlier relationships, prefer to go out and screw as many woman as possible, are unable to fall in love… no it’s not these assholes that we date. It’s us that have things wrong with us… and really did I need to spend 10 dollars for someone to tell me that I’m the problem? I think not. I have enough men and friends in my life to tell me that very same thing…

PS Don’t even get me started on the ending all wrapped up in a happy bow. Because let me tell you how it would end in real life. The guy would go on to screw the next hopeless girl that fell into his path. Jennifer Goodwin would enjoy a pint of ice cream, maybe some booze and probably fall into the lap of one of her ex’s… because sadly life is not always tied up in the Hollywood Happy Ending Bow!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

He's Just Not That Into ME... or something like that

Sadly I think we will finally be seeing the exit of Mr. FB. And it’s not because we don’t have a great time. And it’s not because I haven’t given it the good old college try. And it’s definitely not because the sex is bad. It’s mainly because I think I have to just say he’s possibly just not that into me. And I’m not ok with that. We spent another Friday night together. And like usual we laughed, and talked, I possibly giggled a bit, we had some really fun drunken sex, had a bit of a cuddle (with him nuzzling my neck which many of you might remember really is my Achilles heel!)… but this morning as he was packing for his business trip (yes I even folding some of his shirts for his suitcase) I realized that we just are amazing together, but no amount of me sticking around is really going to wake him up to that fact. And yes he use to believe that. And yes he originally let Mr. Uni come between us. And yes we all remember that I didn’t give him the space that he needs. And mind you in all his talk about space, he was the one to freak out this week on getting deleted off my blackberry messenger. He was the one who has multiple times contacted one of my closest friends about me, about how I’m doing, about how confused he is and how much he really likes me. But at the same time he gave me the same run around on Friday, his bringing it up not me- I already learned my lesson with asking him what we are. And after he spent the last 2 weeks doing some “serious thinking” (his words not mine) he’s realized that with all that is going on with work right now (he’s in the middle of a multi-million dollar proposal that will be the turning point for his company as well as in Florida this week and New York in two for business trips) he feels that he just cannot be dating someone. That it’s not fair to either of us. So that leaves us as with what, occasional dates and sleep overs. And as much as I like spending time with him, that isn’t ok with me. I don’t know what I’m looking for right now. It’s apparent that I’m still not ready for a relationship… but I am ready to dip my toes back into that pool. And although I don’t need to be seeing someone and know where it’s going, I do need to be able to know that at some point it is going somewhere. And since I see a future and he see lace garters and fun drunken nights this is disappointingly where we must head our separate ways. And maybe he will emerge from his business trip and realize that maybe it is worth it to try and make this work… it’s just that I’m not wishing on anymore stars about it.

Monday, February 2, 2009

At what point does uncomplicated become complicated, and your past becomes your future?

So over the weekend I was accused by Mr. Ex of using him. It wasn’t said in anger, in fact he was pretty much just laughing at us. And I know that I often do, but it was a little hard to hear him say it. Granted he was the one who invited me over on Friday, and he was also the one who suggested I stay at his place on Saturday night since I had such an early call time yesterday. But at the same time he pointed out that I always come back to him whenever a relationship goes south. And usually we have a pretty good thing. It’s uncomplicated. It’s fun. And more importantly it’s comfortable. And when I reminded him that we both don’t want to date each other, and it’s always been a disaster when we do he’s response was that I don’t want to date him, but he isn’t on that same page. And I know I also use him as a sounding board to get a guys perspective on the men I date (his take on Mr. FB- he’s just not that into you, Mr. Uni- he’s an idiot, now Mr. Green on the other hand he actually felt threatened by so he had many opinions on that relationship but at the same time he knew how much I wanted it, so he put it all aside and actually was rooting for that one to work), which I know isn’t fair to him. Mr. Ex is part best friend, part former lover and part just all around go to guy. But after a couple of incidents over the weekend I realized that I haven’t been fair to him this past year… and I have to say I did have a little freak out on Saturday when he gave me his spare key. A simple gesture. But one that starts to blur the line between uncomplicated and complicated and between my past and my future… in the end after thinking about it a bit, and sleeping on it (in his very comfortable bed) I left his key on the nightstand as I left for work Sunday morning… And sadly I think I may have to get rid of my security blanket because in reality it hasn’t been helping me. Because placing a band-aid on bullet wound isn’t working. And it’s about time I took off the band-aide and let the wound just heal. No medicine. No band-aids. And no male replacements. Just a raw Hardt, hoping to heal. Because I can’t keep letting my past ruin possible futures...