Misadventures of the Hardt.

I’m sitting staring at the blank page and for the first time in 5 years I don’t know what to say. A new blog. A fresh slate. It feels exhilarating and yet petrifying at the same time. I’m afraid of making the same mistakes. Some will say I’ve already begun making them, yes I will admit I had sex with Mr. FB over the weekend. Some will say I’m destined to begin the cycle again with all of them. But this time I would like to think things will be different. Because I can’t go through this same hurt over and over again.

So here is the real story on the last couple of weeks…

I will start with the hardest- Mr. Green. I can finally admit it, I’m still in love with him. I don’t know why I can’t let go. All I can say is there is something different about him, something different about us. Though in the recent weeks I have found that I put him up on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. As has been mentioned in the blogs we stayed in touch. I told everyone it was because of him. But it was because of both of us. Me because I still cared so much. And him, well I will never know the real reason. I think he liked that I was still in love with him. I know he liked reading about himself in the blogs. He said he cared about me. But I don’t’ believe that to be true anymore. I let him weasel his way back in. First a text message, than an im, and then next thing I know we are chatting back and forth every day again. So much that we talked around us getting together, me coming down to San Diego. Now this is something that I told no one. Not even my closest friends. And that right there should have told me that something was wrong. But after once again another jealous trip on his part regarding me dating someone I somehow convinced myself that he really did care about me. And so I planned a trip down to San Diego. The day after I told him I was thinking of coming down I found out he has a girlfriend. And has had one for awhile now. So when he threw a fit about me dating Mr. FB, he was actually in the cabin in Big Bear that they rented together. When he was telling me how hard I was making him and asking me to send him pictures, he was actually getting ready to take her to a party and make her debut to his friends as his official girlfriend. To say I’ve been heartbroken is putting it mildly. I’ve been devastated. Since then I’ve found out that he’s already sick of her. Has already cheated on her. But haven’t spoken to him since I found out 3 weeks ago. He was up in LA over the weekend but I only got a lame text message from him late one night. He’s been checking the blogs to see if I’m going to write about it. But instead he just pushed me to do what I need to have done for awhile and that is to move the blogs.

Which leads me to the second chain of events. The reason behind the blogs. I’ve still been seeing MR. FB. Nothing major just a Friday or Saturday night here or there. Still talking a bit. And I was still clinging to the hopes that maybe he really is the nice guy that I’ve been looking for. And that we could finally get past the Mr. Uni part of our relationship. Turns out Mr. Uni had other plans. Now I don’t know why he did this but he forwarded on my blogs about Mr. FB to their mutual friends. Something that I will never forgive him for or will never understand. I did what needed to have been done awhile back. I have deleted Mr. Uni out of my life. In the past month since he found out about Mr. FB he has been obsessively checking the blog. And I don’t mean he’s doing it daily, I mean he’s doing it 10 times daily. Something that I was starting to find really creepy. So between the blog stalking and his using me as his punch line I am happy to now have him out of my life. It’s sad seeing as we have been friends for 15 years now. Sad to see someone who is a part of my childhood have to be deleted out. I don’t know what made him go a bit crazy. Mr. FB and their friends also have no idea what set him off. They agree that it’s just plain weird. And although it showed Mr. FB that he was loyal to the wrong person, it also proved that I do come with just too much baggage. And sadly he has enough of his own he can’t carry any more into a relationship. So yet again I’d like to say that we will probably see the end of Mr. FB… but I know I have no willpower. And despite being babysat by friends the last couple of days I’ve already managed to send him a text message (or two!).

But that is my trifecta that I alluded to before. You can see why I couldn’t go into the details. It was time to take my Hardt out of the situation. Time for a fresh start. I’d like to say this time will be different. That this time I’m going to stick to the plan. That I’m not going to go back to an ex. That I’m not going to jump headfirst into a relationship. But really no one will believe that. Though what has changed is that sadly I’ve realized that being open and honest is not the best way to go. And that’s a really hard pill for me to swallow. I’ve always prided myself on not playing games. By putting it out there. By just being honest about who I am. And one of the things that define me is my blogs. I also thought it was unfair to be writing about these guys and them not knowing about it. Turns out that the only person I was being unfair to was myself. So I’m sadly I’m going to start fresh with new readers and very little friends that know about this. Hardt is going back behind the curtain, maybe this will make me more honest in my blogs. Who knows. I know I’m not happy about this, but sadly this is the way it’s going to have to be.