Some stories have happy endings... mine just has an ending.

Last year many things happened. Among them I a met a boy. Fell in love. And had my heartbroken. Now it doesn’t matter which one it was. You’ve read the blogs. Some can guess which. Many might guess wrong. But for the story it doesn’t matter which one broke my heart. What matters was I was devastated. But after all that had happened last year I wasn’t able to deal with this heartbreak. Mainly because it was too hard. Now you may be thinking- but you fall in love all the time. But I don’t. I fall. I fall in lust. I fall in like. And I may fall hard. But love, that’s something I rarely do. And as much as I’m open on the internet, letting my emotions really out are hard. So I stopped them. I didn’t let myself mourn the relationship or the guy. It was too hard to me to know that he wasn’t going to be there. That I wasn’t going to be with him. It was too hard to feel my heart drop every time I heard his name. So start crying when I saw pictures of us together, and sometimes just with pictures of him. To hard thinking of him with someone else. To hard to feel what I was feeling. So instead I tried to put a band-aid on a bullet wound. I tried to replace him. So I dated… and dated. I fell into one guy and then the next and an ex or two until I was able to convince myself that I was over the first boy. But I wasn’t. I knew it. My friends knew it. Even some of the guys I dated knew it. And instead of being able to be with these guys, I found ways to push them right out the door… because deep down I knew. Knew I wasn’t over him. Knew that they weren’t the answer I was looking for. And knew I wasn’t ready. Well it took me to this week to really take a look at what I was doing. Mind you I'm not saying that I didn't truly care for these guys. Because I did. And although I may not have fallen in love with them, a few did still break my heart very nicely. But it was easy to break seeing as I still haven't let it heal.And this weeks events made me sit there and just say wow I’m not ok with this. Though it only took the relationship trifecta in my life to all go KABOOM on the same day. So I’m going to do what I needed to have done in the first place. I’m going to mourn. Mourn the relationship. Mourn him. And really just say goodbye. Not cya latter. No catching him on the flipside. Just a final goodbye. I’m going to drink copious amounts of alcohol. I’m going to let myself feel lonely. And desperate. And sad. I’m going to spend lots of time with my friends. I’m going to kick box and become a yoga guru again. Spend long hours walking on the beach. Learn to cook a new food. Finally go skydiving. Finally paint that kitchen orange… And basically do everything I’ve always wanted to do. Even if that means picking up and living halfway around the world for a year. And spending my 30th birthday (gasp) alone. And maybe it’s going to take the next 60 days (at least that’s what I’m hoping it will take!) though maybe it will be longer. Sadly I know it won’t be shorter… or at least I know I’m not taking less time than that. Because maybe it’s time I stop searching for Mr. Right in every wicked grin I see, and start looking for the Miss Right that’s staring at me in the mirror.