Merry Christmas to one and all!

Just wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as I sit here too stuffed from way too much food, champagne and brie! Today has been the most amazing Christmas EVER... filled with laughter, love and a few Christmas Miracles of sorts. I wish I could explain a bit more, and go into the exciting details about tomorrow night. But I can't... Don't worry, the details will eventually return but for now you can check out all the adventures on the Hardt In The City myspace page.

Happy Holidays from Hardt.

Well it’s finally the winding down of the very tumultuous year in my world… it’s been a wild and crazy ride, one that I’m hoping to never have to go on again. At the same time I’ve had some amazing things happen this year and I learned that there is so much that we take for granted here. So many things that we think are necessities that we really can live without… but there are certain things that we can’t live without- mainly our family and friends. I love each and every one of my friends that have been there through so much with me… on many days they wanted to bash my head in, luckily they didn’t and just provided copious amounts of alcohol, cheese, and tissues. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

I started blogging a couple of years ago, but very sporadically. Just a blog here and there. Going maybe months without a new one, and then would have maybe 5 in a week. Many of my friends got use to hearing my sex-capades and my latest romantic attachments. When everything went down with Mr. Nakedbartender I moved all of them over to Blog Spot. I found myself very hurt, angry, confused, and unemployed all at the same time. So I blogged about it. Writing gave me something to look forward to every morning. More often than not I would get up, have my cup of coffee and sit down and write. In a way it made me feel like I had something to do, I had a job of sorts. It gave me a purpose. Slowly as I began to write down everything that was in my head, it made it easier for me to bring that over into my real life and I began to say everything that was in my head. Here was the girl who was unable to say I love you to her on and off boyfriend of 4 years and suddenly was able to say I love you and I miss you to everything and everyone. I became like the child in goodnight moon. I love you moon. I miss you bear. I love you room… and at first it was very liberating. I was able to say what I wanted. I was able to express emotions I had been repressing for years.. .and then it became too much. I was writing everything down. I didn’t care or didn’t see how it was affecting my life and my relationships. Suddenly people didn’t need to call and check up on me, they would just read the blogs. I would start to tell a story and hear oh I read that yesterday. When asked how I was doing I would just email off the link to the latest blog because it was easier than rehashing everything. And I put all of my emotions on paper regarding the boys I was dating. They were able to see into my head, see the neurotic me that needs to be hidden away. And I let it interfere with relationships that I had with two separate men. Both Mr.’s got wrong impressions of me. Mainly because there are parts that aren’t written down, parts that make me seem less neurotic. Instead they just read about themselves, became obsessed with what I was writing about them, what was I saying, what were people thinking… and as I saw it happening I blamed them. Why are they reading it? Why can’t they just leave it alone? When all along I should have looked at me and said- Why can’t I just not write about everything? Why do I need to express every little emotion and thought to the world… and I became just as obsessed as them, and even obsessed at knowing when they were reading it. And over the last few months I’ve had them both blow up in my face. Because your every thought and wish and dream and confusion shouldn’t be out there for all to read. There are things that are private. Things that don’t need to be expressed. And for really the first time in my life I have developed regrets. After living almost 30 years I have not really regretted anything in my life. Sure I would have preferred not to have taken the pictures that ended up on craigslist. Sure there are few paths that I would have taken differently. But all in all I’ve been very proud of my life and how I’ve lead it. But lately I haven’t done much to be proud of. And that is about to change. I’m about to change my life in ways that I can’t even imagine. One of them will be with the blog. Sure I’m still going to blog… but I’m moving it back to a site when I can control who reads it. Sure I’m still going to post here now and then… But if you are interested in continuing to know what goes on in my crazy, neurotic, dramatic world let me know and I will add you to the list of who can read the full blogs… And until next time. This is Hardt signing off….

Happy Holidays!!!

Just Nic.

My blog to me is personal. Now I know you probably laughed at that comment, especially seeing as it’s out there on the internet and for everyone to see. But it’s still my thoughts and feelings. Granted it’s an exaggeration of my thoughts and feelings. Never a lie, but there is about a 10% dramatization to make it more readable, and more enjoying. After all my life is fairly boring… and 90% of it is all me, raw me, honest me. When I first started blogging no one was really reading it so I was free giving away my address… but the more I blogged the more people started to read it, and the less free I started to be. I slowly started to take away the links. The links to my name. The links from my myspace page. The links from my facebook account. Slowly starting to chip away at who I am, and just leaving Hardt. This summer I really experience what it was like to date someone who has access to the blogs, he at first got a kick out of it and even posted comments about himself (and comments to people’s comments on him!)… Our only issue was at a wedding when he was outed for not only being a very prominent Mr, but for also being another very embarrassing one. He had me change his name so I could tell of a very very funny incident involving body wash and a bit of chaffing. But in the end I really hated that he was able to have access to my thoughts… especially when at times they were more dramatic than what they really were. After breaking up I said that I wouldn’t date anyone who knows about the blogs. But all the same I kept chugging away at the blogs, getting more and more use to having my day to day actions put into print. Writing about my dates. My sex-capades. Even my heartbreaks. But this week I learned that you can’t control who has access to your life… there are a couple of loop holes that do link my real life to my online one. I know them. Yet when I was asked repeatedly by someone this last week or so if there were links, I said no. Now that didn’t stop him from finding them… and it didn’t stop him from forwarding all my intimate thoughts on. Which wouldn’t seem like a betrayal to most, after all it’s already on the internet. But to me it really is… I don’t mind friends reading about my life (after all I tell them most of this stuff anyways), I don’t mind strangers knowing about my life (after all I know about so many strangers lives through there blogs it only seems fair that I reciprocate) but there is something about having other peoples friends read about your thoughts, and hopes and dreams… and the situation in which it was done just doesn’t sit well with me. I will not going into the specifics… both people have been reading the blogs and I don’t need to call them out… And I don’t know why he forwarded it on, or in what context it was…I can only imagine, and we all know I usually imagine the worst but for now this is Hardt signing off for a bit. And for the moment, leaving just a very exposed, raw and disappointed Nic.

"Are you happy?"

My IM conversation today:
Mr. Green: So THAT'S who Mr. Uni is.
Hardt: Yup
Mr. Green: Are you Happy?

Out of the blue after not talking to Mr. Green for a bit I got an im today inquiring- Am I happy? I had to pause a moment when he asked. And when I pointed out that that was a loaded question. He simply stated: “No it’s not. It’s simple. Are you happy?” When asked what he wanted me to say he said: “ I wanted to hear you were happy with Mr. Uni. I’ve read your blogs and it seems like you are. I want to hear you say you were happy.” And I, like always, told him the truth: “Am I happy? Yes. Do I sometimes still miss you? Yes”… because sometimes the truth isn’t a simple yes or no answer. Because yes some days I do still miss him. I miss driving down to San Diego on random Tuesdays. I miss hanging out with him and his brother and his roommates. I miss lying in bed on Sundays doing not much besides watching TV and taking naps. I miss how he use to reach for me all the time, in the car, in the house, walking down the street. He always had to be touching me. There is something reassuring about that. I miss how he use to make me feel… but at the same time if he had called me up today and said I miss you, give me a second chance. I would without hesitation have said no. But that no didn’t make it any easier to hear today when he is “happy” that I am happy with someone else. I don’t know why he felt the need to ask. I didn’t ask him that… mainly because I don’t think he would have told me the reason, if he even really knows it himself. I don't know if I even really want to know the answer. I know he still reads the blogs, I had thought that that would die down. It hasn’t. I even told him that when he leaves for New Zealand for the next 2 weeks he will go through Hardt In The City withdralls, to which he told me: “Hahaha. No I will have internet there”. I’d like to think that he asked today because he doe still care about me. But that’s assuming that he ever really did care. And from where I sat the last couple of months I don’t think that he did. Yes he enjoyed the time we had together. I’m sure he misses the great sex that we had (I mean who wouldn’t miss that!). But actually miss ME. That I am not too certain about. But all of that really doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is that yes, I am happy. And yes I am happy with someone else. But more importantly I am happy with myself. And that is worth more than a world full of Mr.’s.

A night back in time, and the changes it brings.

The other night Mr. Uni asked if Mr. Green knew that we were dating… To which I said, well he reads the blogs so he knows I’m dating but doesn’t know the details of it, nor does it bother him. But it got me to thinking about the night that we all hung out. And how much things can change in just a couple of short months. Over Labor Day weekend during one of my many trips to San Diego I had arranged a dinner with friends from High School. There was Mr. Uni, Mr. Green (although he didn’t go to school with us I was in my happy sex love bubble and brought him with me), Mr. High School Friend, Miss High School friend and her boyfriend. It was a nice dinner down in Pacific Beach. We had a great time catching up. And after dinner Mr. Uni, Mr. Green and I went to a bar down the street and continued to drink. A fun time was had by all, and I even remembering helping Mr. Uni send racy text messages to the “cougar” that he was dating at the time. Though if I remember correctly both Mr. U and Mr. G thought my text messages were just a bit too racy and had to be trimmed down a bit. If only guys realized that the girls that are dating usually have an even dirtier mind than they do!

Though in the months since things have changed. Mr. High School friend proposed to his girlfriend. Miss High School friend also got herself engaged. And of course Mr. Green and I broke things off… and as you are aware, and then surprisingly Mr. Uni and I started things up. All things I couldn’t have predicted back in September. But it got me to thinking about the changes that are in store in the next couple of months. All the surprised that await me. Some good, I’m sure. Some bad. And some that I probably can’t even begin to imagine. I have to say I’m excited for it. I’m ready for the change! So to the New Year, I saw BRING IT ON. Hardt is ready for whatever you’ve got for me.

Dating Mistake #1 of the year...

Sorry for the delay in posting the last couple of days… I know a few of you have been avidly checking the site to read the latest updates on my life. Really there are too many things to tell to put into one blog and at the same time nothing to tell… Some things right now are amazing… some are kind of sucky. And one is just a tad disappointing. But all of them I want to keep to myself for the time being… but for right now I’m going to examine one of the mistakes of the past…. I think I can pinpoint where I got off track this year. It was almost a year ago that I met Mr. Naked Bartender. And since I’ve verbally explained one too many times the mistakes of that relationship I thought I would let you physically see the mistake of that relationship. And with that I give you- Mr. Naked Bartender. WHAT WAS I THINKING? And yes this is one of his many new “promo” shots of his new tour- The Playgirl tour…

Grandmas, Vibrators and more!

So last night out with some of my girls a friend shared a story about her mother. This story is equally hilarious and disturbing at the same time. So Mrs. Grandma came to Los Angeles with one of her friends (Mrs. Grandmas Friend) to visit her daughter. Now Mrs. Grandma isn’t your typical Grandma. Although she is 80, she’s fun, dirty, and loves sex (really she probably is going to be me in 50 years!). So she was lamenting that she can no longer have sex with her husband and it was decided they would all go to the Pleasure Chest for a visit and maybe find a solution to her problem. Needless to say these two 80 year old women had a nice giggle in the shop but Mrs. Grandma fell for a loverly Vibrator, in fact it was a replica of a “black cock”- words on the box, not mine! But she was a little worried taking it back in her suitcase in case her husband saw it so she asked her friend to carry it back with her and they would meet up later in the week and she could get it back. So the plan was followed through on, and a week later Mrs. Grandma had her new vibrator and was a very happy camper. Until this weekend. When Mrs. Grandmas Friend went for drinks and told her a confession. Apparently a couple of months ago when she brought the vibrator back with her she got a little curious. And did something that is NEVER acceptable. She tried out the vibrator. Washed it. And then put it back in the box. And returned it to Mrs. Grandma all good and new. Gotta love 80 year olds and the things they do!

Happy. Me. Yay.

I’m going to start just by saying two simple words- I’m happy. Now those seem like easy words. And many of you are probably going, ok so what? But the thing is it’s been a really long time since I can honestly say I’m 100% happy (ok maybe only 90% but who’s counting!). After a really hard year it seems that things are finally getting back on track. I spent the summer sidetracked in a fantasy. I tried to hold on to something that was neither working nor what either of us really wanted because it was better to be living in a fantasy than have to deal with reality. And that summer fantasy rolled into fall in which reality can diving down on me (professional, personally and romantically). But I think it took that downfall to really wake me up to things in my life. Because sometimes when you look at all the things you don’t have you start to realize all the things that you do. .. and I began to realize for each thing on my list of what I thought my life would be like at 30 that I don’t have, there are at least 3 great surprises of things that I do have. Things that I couldn’t have imagined. And then all of a sudden like a snap things have started to get better. And then next thing you know I’m walking around with a smile on my face again. And I can’t really explain how it happened but this weekend it really just hit me. Happy. Me. YAY.

To High School and back again.

When you first start seeing someone there is something to be said for just taking it slow and getting to know them… last night Mr. Uni came down to watch the Chargers Game with me. The game was good (the Chargers finally won one), we ordered a pizza, had some beers and just relaxed. And it felt very right. Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for 14 years but it felt nice to get to know each other on a different level. It’s easy to be comfortable with someone who has a shared history with you, we had similar high school experiences (mainly because we both were theatre geeks at the same high school), have common friends that have known us since way back when and heck he ever remembered who I went to homecoming with my Junior Year! And I have to say I’ve been having a really great time with him lately, just chilling, reminiscing about old times and of course some good old fashioned snogging. In fact I had forgotten just how much fun it can be to just make out with someone. When you get into a relationship you get into a pattern with sex. And no matter how great the sex is there is always a pattern. A little foreplay, a bit of sex, a nice orgasm and then you are done. Maybe a cuddle. Maybe just sleeping in your separate corners of the bed. But a good make out session can go all night. Now that’s not to say that Mr. Uni and I have been G rated… we definitely have gone into the Rated X category but like I use to say back at Uni, we so haven’t gone all the way… and I kind of like that. Now it hasn’t been for lack of him trying… but I’m enjoying taking it a bit slow (which has frustrated him a bit, but all in all he’s been a good sport). I’m just a little gun shy right now when it comes to men, relationships and (gasp) sex with someone new… And sometime a nice snog is a lot more satisfying than swinging from the rafters sex… not to say that I don’t want to have the sex with him… oh because especially after last night I so do. I’m just taking my time… and this time I think the wait is going to be worth it. Because this morning I definitely woke up with a smile on my face.

Bad sex and laughter!

"Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good, you don't have it anymore; if it's bad, you just had sex with an ex." – Sex and The City

Last night I went for drinks with Mr. Wyoming. Which we all know spelled disaster right from the start. And boy was it once again. But not in the same way, but in the exact same way as always. Ok I know that doesn't make much sense but let me start from the beginning. Friends were worried about me going into drinks with him because of what he does to me emotionally. He's the one ex who can make me feel like shit. The one who makes me doubt everything about my life. Like I'm the one who just isn't good enough. This time I thought things would be different. Even though I don't have my life together I finally do have one piece to the puzzle that is always missing, myself. For the first time in a really long time (if ever) I've been feeling really good about myself. Thanks to Turbo Kick Boxing and a very rigorous dieting place I finally have gotten down to a weight that I thought was impossible. I mean who would have thought I'd go from a Large to an Extra Small! And every time we got back together I would be on some diet, and whenever I'd bring up my weight he'd always have some pointer on how I could lose it. See looking good is very important to him. He's an actor, spends hours in the gym and has one of the best bodies I've ever seen. So I though well here is my chance to show him just how fantastic I look… best way to describe what an ass he is, is that when he saw me his only comment on the weight I've lost was you've really lost most of your breast haven't you… um, geez thanks!

But back to last night… we met up and he was 3 drinks in by the time I got there… it was funny seeing him nervous. But after a couple more drinks, and some shots we were back to laughing like old times. Luckily spending time with him didn't remind me why we got together in the first place but just kept reminding me why we were not together… but of course I got a bit drunk. And he really does have these nice teeth (Yea A I really was grasping at straws at the point) so when he leaned in to kiss me, I thought what the hell. And when he suggested heading back to my place, I though well what the hell. And then I was reminded exactly why were are not together. The Sex… He's that guy that freaks out with sex. He's fairly good at it (usually), enjoys it while in the moment, but you come to the point where he's about to cum and he freaks out. And it's something that used to annoy me beyond belief, but sadly last night I just started laughing. I was like and this is why we are not together. Sure there maybe fun sex involved (just last night we included the bed, the floor, the bathroom counter) but really fun does not always equal good. And at the end of the night when it was all said and done I don't think it was the sex that was not so good, but really the person… But at least I can close the door on this chapter of my life. With no regrets. No angry words. No nostalgia. Just with a good laugh and yet another story of another ex…

This one’s for the girls… US!

This is for all you girls about twenty-five
In little apartments just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and Spaghetti-Os
Wondering where your life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

I was going through my music, reorganizing it on my new computer (Whooo Hooo). And while I was doing that I started listening to a lot of songs that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. Some buck-o-nine, some real big fish, a little queen and then I came upon a song by Martina McBride that really just stuck with me. Because right now at 29 I know I don’t have my life figured out. I know I’m just one of those girls living on Dreams and Spaghetti-O’s (though with me it’s more like dreams and brie- but that doesn’t sound as dramatic) but I also know that I’m not the only one. This is the age when things change. When we all start to grow up. Our priorities shift. A job becomes a career, or if not then we go out searching for it. Apartments become condos and then houses… and all the stress that comes with it (E I can’t wait to have champagne in your new condo- whichever one it may be!). When stress about who we go home with on a Friday night gives way to who we want to wake up next to on our Sunday Mornings. Go from wanting someone to share a beer with occasional to sharing our bed with forever, complete with the 2.5 kids and dog… We’ve all had our hearts broken. And bounced back. That’s the thing about broken hearts, they hurt really bad at first, then it’s just kind of an ache as it grows back and then next thing you know you’ve given it to someone else and it’s bright and shiny and hopeful and just as good as new. And I especially know about loving without holding back… is there a song that can help me to learn how to hold back!!! We have gone from having our parents take care of us to being the one who comforts them. We start to lose friends and parents… But the one thing that is constant is the Dreams. I still wish on a star almost every night. Wish for small things, impossible things, heart retching things and sometimes just for a phone call… And sure most of the times they don’t come true, but that doesn’t stop me from looking for that star or tossing a penny into a fountain. Because without dreams and hope we really do have nothing. And I sit here this morning oddly full of hope. No nothing has happened to make me hopefully… but lately I have been giving up on it, and I think that might be why it’s given up on me. So instead I’m going to be the rosy optimist and say the words that make me want to throttle someone- It’s all going to be all right. And this one is for MY girls. The ones that are dealing with mid life crisis’s. Losing Jobs. Loved Ones. Family. Trying to find that perfect place to live. Trying to have those 2.5 kids. Dealing with yet another ass that broke your heart. Getting over the last relationship. Moving on with someone new. Trying to find your niche in the world. All that I have to say is this we truly are “going to make it after all” because we are all going to find what we are looking for... because there's gotta be something more!

My Ghosts of Christmas…

My Horoscope today: You will be presented with two choices, both of which are really tempting. You can’t choose both, so pick the one that’s best in the long-term…

I had to laugh this evening when I read my horoscope… They got it partially right. There are actually three choices this week in fact. Tonight I embark on 3 ex’s in 3 days. I don’t know why all 3 have been brought back into my life, though Mr. Ex really has never left, but I’m willing to put it in fates hands and find out what my 3 ex’s have to offer… In fact looking at my choices it really is the ghosts of Christmas Past… though what scares me is this thought- if they really are my ghost then does that make one the ghost of Christmas past, one the ghost of Christmas present, and the final one the ghost of Christmas future.

Tonight’s the easy ghost… Mr. Ex. As you are well aware I’ve been dating him for the last couple of months and things are going really well. Things just are easy between us. There isn’t any drama. There isn’t any confusion. Just two great friends that like to keep each other company romantically in-between relationships and platonically when we are in relationships. Tonight is just a simple night. A Movie. A fire. A nice bottle of wine…

Tomorrow’s ghost is a little more complicated, Mr. Wyoming. His relationship and mine was never easy. We truly did fight but then make up in the most spectacular fashion… already I can see the spark between us. But mainly because we really do just drive each other crazy. Already since we’ve started talking there has been drunken messages and an apology (him to me) and we haven’t even seen each other yet! He's one that will never be my future or my present... but it would be nice to be able to put all of our past where it belongs, in the past.

The last ghost I’m keeping to myself for a bit.. Don’t worry he’s not complicated at all. Though I wouldn’t say he’s easy either. He’s right in-between… and I think he scares me the most. Maybe because he’s one that I’ve always had unfinished business with. One of the few that didn't break my heart!

Over the last week I’ve had to deal with a different set of three boys. One that I’m sadly still in love with, one that I’ve become more and more enamored with as I've gotten to know him, and one that I’ve found I’m very sexually compatible with. Three different boys. And those three also can be catagorized as past, maybe future, and present. But no matter what there seem to be way too many ghosts hanging around in my head (and my bedroom) for me to really move toward that future.

But none-the-less I sit here and wonder what my ghosts will bring this week… I know they really won’t bring my future. And I know I need to stop looking into my past. It always just ends up hurting me… Case in point this weekend. There is something about being told that you are not only replaceable but tradable that really gets to a girl… Never thought of myself as a trading card, and I never hope to again. I just hope I was worth the trade… But for now I’m looking into the future… maybe it will have my past, maybe not. But for now I’m going to just enjoy the next three days. Let’s just hope the fates don’t end up laughing at me when it’s all said and done.