“I’m not a princess this ain't a fairy tale…”

Slowly I’m starting to realize that some people just aren’t worth the effort and the pain… though the hard thing is to know who is worth it. This month is a big one for me. Its one year today that I broke up with Mr. Naked Bartender. Saturday will be the one year anniversary of him posting me naked on craigslist… and the following Sunday will be the one year since I first met Mr. Green. I’ve been looking back on all the changes in my life this last year, how far I’ve come, how many times I’ve fallen… I still have so many questions for Mr. NakedBartender that I will never get answered. I still love Mr. Green so much it hurts, and seeing how happy he is with his new girlfriend only makes it worse. Worse to know that it’s not me that he will be sweeping off his feet, but also to know I wasn’t the one who swept him off his. To know that I was not good enough, and will never be good enough for him. And yes I have checked out his FB profile and looked at their pictures from their road trip… some days like today it feels like nothing in a year has change. That I’m still that same girl. Still that hurt by these boys. Still occasionally cry in the shower (yes I did that this morning, yet again!). No matter how many steps I take forward it always seems like I’m stumbling back. I wonder if this hurt will ever go away… if I will ever be over Mr. Green. If I will be able to have that elusive magical relationship that has alluded me. If I will ever meet that guy that will love me as much as I love him… Yes I still talk to Mr. FB every day, I know it’s bad for me. And I know that I was supposed to cut all my ties when I left LA. But it’s hard to…and I know how toxic he is for me, I mean the boy couldn’t even make time to see me on my last week in LA even though we had been dating for 2 months! And yes he canceled on coming out here to see me a couple of weeks ago… but some days it’s just nice to know that I’m wanted… even if I know that it’s not real.

Dating Mistake #1 of the year...

Sorry for the delay in posting the last couple of days… I know a few of you have been avidly checking the site to read the latest updates on my life. Really there are too many things to tell to put into one blog and at the same time nothing to tell… Some things right now are amazing… some are kind of sucky. And one is just a tad disappointing. But all of them I want to keep to myself for the time being… but for right now I’m going to examine one of the mistakes of the past…. I think I can pinpoint where I got off track this year. It was almost a year ago that I met Mr. Naked Bartender. And since I’ve verbally explained one too many times the mistakes of that relationship I thought I would let you physically see the mistake of that relationship. And with that I give you- Mr. Naked Bartender. WHAT WAS I THINKING? And yes this is one of his many new “promo” shots of his new tour- The Playgirl tour…

Cold Rainy Saturdays…

Due to Mr. Ex’s shooting schedule I spent a quiet night on the couch watching TV… which is kind of funny, because if I was dating him I would have been the perfect girlfriend last night. Not even upset or annoyed at him for shooting late. In fact I understand oh too well getting stuck on set. Though in this situation I think he might have been the upset or annoyed one. Because he didn’t cancel on me, it was me that canceled on him at the end. He was getting off around 10, so dinner was postponed to Sunday night, but of course he suggested going out for drinks last night around 11pm. To once again I told him that sex was off the table so I would just see him on Sunday for dinner.

So instead of crazy sex in front of my very warm fire (oh yea I lit it last night!) I spent it on the couch watching The Ex List… And oddly enough I found the concept of it amusing. The idea that you’ve already dated and broken up with your future husband. Which OF COURSE got me to thinking about my ex’s, and thinking oh my I sure hope that I don’t have to marry one of them! I mean they’ve given me lots of things to write about but not one would I even want to have sex with, let alone have sex with for the rest of my life! I mean there is Mr. Arizona who managed to get his “girlfriend” pregnant around the same time we were back sleeping together, so I could be a step mom. Or there is Mr. Wyoming, whose mother hated me more than I thought possible and who I would probably be living on a cattle range with before long. Then there was Mr. NakedBartender, I would be married to a part time underwear model part time webcam star. Of course there is Mr. Ex, who I could travel to Brazil with but would always have an empty bed because he’s usually all over the globe and the state working. Mr. My Harry who has a problem with monogamy. Or maybe Mr. High School where I could be settled down in Del Mar with, smoking some pot and surfing every day. At least with Mr. Baby R I would probably be doing the same thing I am doing now- On a couch in Santa Monica watching college football. It’s funny though, many of my ex’s I’ve thought that maybe I would end up. But you know what they say, unanswered prayers and all… looking back I’m very thankful for the fact that the relationships all crumbled at the end. Many I’ve stayed friends with, some I’ve lots touch with, some I'm myspace and facebook friends with and some I bet are reading this very blog… but it’s the future non-ex who has me captivated at the moment… the one who will make all those just fade into distant memories, a story to be told at a dinner party or a warning we give to our future children. It's not the past that I'm looking at this rainy Saturday, it's the future... and I can't wait!