“I’m not a princess this ain't a fairy tale…”

Slowly I’m starting to realize that some people just aren’t worth the effort and the pain… though the hard thing is to know who is worth it. This month is a big one for me. Its one year today that I broke up with Mr. Naked Bartender. Saturday will be the one year anniversary of him posting me naked on craigslist… and the following Sunday will be the one year since I first met Mr. Green. I’ve been looking back on all the changes in my life this last year, how far I’ve come, how many times I’ve fallen… I still have so many questions for Mr. NakedBartender that I will never get answered. I still love Mr. Green so much it hurts, and seeing how happy he is with his new girlfriend only makes it worse. Worse to know that it’s not me that he will be sweeping off his feet, but also to know I wasn’t the one who swept him off his. To know that I was not good enough, and will never be good enough for him. And yes I have checked out his FB profile and looked at their pictures from their road trip… some days like today it feels like nothing in a year has change. That I’m still that same girl. Still that hurt by these boys. Still occasionally cry in the shower (yes I did that this morning, yet again!). No matter how many steps I take forward it always seems like I’m stumbling back. I wonder if this hurt will ever go away… if I will ever be over Mr. Green. If I will be able to have that elusive magical relationship that has alluded me. If I will ever meet that guy that will love me as much as I love him… Yes I still talk to Mr. FB every day, I know it’s bad for me. And I know that I was supposed to cut all my ties when I left LA. But it’s hard to…and I know how toxic he is for me, I mean the boy couldn’t even make time to see me on my last week in LA even though we had been dating for 2 months! And yes he canceled on coming out here to see me a couple of weeks ago… but some days it’s just nice to know that I’m wanted… even if I know that it’s not real.