Sometimes you have to just stop and smell the roses, or in my case fantastic pink flowers!

I’m 30 years old and until last night I had never been brought flowers by a boyfriend. Sure I got corsages when I was in high school before proms. And sure my father use to bring me home flowers when I was sick as a kid. And of course I’ve had friends bring me flowers on my birthdays…but from a boyfriend, never. It’s something that shocked Mr. Hermosa last night, his response- well I can see why you have so many ex boyfriends, I would have ended things with them too if I never got flowers… and it made me think, how have I settled for a flower-less romantic life? I’ve gotten cheese, bottles of champagne, alcohol, stuffed animals, cards…but never flowers. And never just because I was having a bad day. I don’t know how I’ve let myself settle for less in life. Partly because I have always secretly thought I couldn’t do better, but mainly because I just got so use to being treated like a convenience that I didn’t realize that there really was a guy who would treat me like a priority. At 30 my eyes are finally opening, though maybe because I’m finally ready for them to open. It’s disgusting I know, but I can’t stop smiling and every day I fall more and more for Mr. H… it’s weird because you would never be able to guess that we would work, or in his words we are “a perfect match”. In a way I would say he completes me, there is something about him that calms me down. As many of you know from following my blog these last couple of years I have a tendency to obsess and stress. I facebook stalk. I count condoms in drawers to see if they are cheating. I spend hours on the phone dissecting every little thing he says. I spend all the minutes in the day wondering if I was doing something wrong, if I said something wrong, how I was pushing them away… for the first time every I’m able to just sit back and really enjoy being in a relationship. We talk about how things are going, both just in utter shock at how amazing it is. Last night I had one of my first tiny moments of panic, I was lighting the candles around the room, setting the stage for a romantic dinner and thought- is this too much. And as soon as I thought it, he walked in. Flowers in hand and this huge smile on his face to see me and all my questions just floated away… because how can I doubt a guy who took off yesterday morning from work just to spend some time with me since he was away all weekend. Who spent his entire guys weekend in Vegas text messaging me, not drunk and horny but drunk and telling me how much he missed me and how amazing I was. Who has arranged double dates with his friends and their girlfriends so we can audition a few couple friends and because they are apparently dying to meet me. Who invited me to be a date at a wedding, not only the first date he’s ever brought to one of his college boys weddings but to a wedding in Pittsburg on New Year’s Eve. 3 months from now, and yet he’s sure that we will still be together. And the thing is it didn’t feel weird that he asked, it just felt normal. Just as it’s normal that I have just as many Dan events in my calendar as I do my own. I keep beer for him in my fridge. My bathroom cabinet is now stocked with his boy products as well as his toothbrush occupies the other space in my holder (I have a drawer at his place as well with all my goodies!). Our lives have just slowly melted into one. For this upcoming weekend there isn’t a do you want to do something kind of anxiety, it’s a so what are we doing this weekend. It’s just given that we will be spending it together. We still have managed to keep parts of our lives separate, which I think helps it work. He watches the Notre Dame football game every Saturday with his buddies, I came to the end of one of the games but I like knowing that every Saturday I have a few hours where I can go and hang out with my girls, this week I have a baby shower to go to during the game. We have 3 big weekends planned coming up- apple picking in Julian, Charger game in San Diego, and the big Thanksgiving weekend in Arizona. We also have small weekends planned coming up- his two big races (one which he is entering me into if we can heel this ankle), his birthday weekend (he’s planning his big drunken bday night and I’m planning a surprise romantic one for the night of his actual birthday) and one weekend where we are planning on spending an entire Sunday in bed watching football. We have excitement coming up and some time to just enjoy being a couple… and I have to say this time I’m happy I didn’t settle for less…because for once I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more!

Broken… luckily this time it’s just an ankle and not my heart.

I have this little oddity when it comes to sex. I don’t orgasm. I know it sounds weird, especially since I really really love sex. Love the feel of it but oddly will never orgasm. I sometimes will before or after but never during. And only a handful of times have I actually been able to cum with someone else, usually it’s them finishing and then I bring out the vibrator…. Well after another great weekend of sex Mr. H had found the spot and we spent a very exciting and very satisfying morning in bed. The only problem is that when we finally got out of bed on Sunday I was very space cadetey and somehow lost my balance walking down the stairs on the way to the movies and managed to sprain my ankle and most likely rip a tendon (I even get to go see an Ortho Surgeon next week to see about how they can repair it!)… but the resulting injury has landed me in bed for the week. And sadly it’s on my right ankle so I can’t even drive!!! Luckily in the last month I’ve managed to find myself that most amazing boyfriend who has waited on me hand and foot the last week! He somehow anticipates everything that I need even before I need it. So the poor boy has been on ice pack duty, refilled glasses, went to the store for me, refilled my prescriptions (even my birth control- though really that was also in his best intrest), picked me up so I could go see the Charger Game, done dishes, had very careful sex and even managed to squeeze in dinner with my mom. In which my mom found him very charming and thoughtful. She said that he’s by far the best one I’ve dated but is trying to not get her hopes up too much since my relationships usually only have a 3 month window before they disintegrate, on hearing this he was like well tell her that since we’ve known each other a lot longer than 3 months it’s like we’ve already passed that window. And yes we’ve finally become official, facebook official that is. He asked the other morning why I haven’t requested him as my “in a relationship with”…and I have to admit I’ve gone to his page a lot in the last two days, not to stalk like I’ve had to do with other guys I’ve dated but because I just like seeing that it says he’s in a relationship with me. Yea I know I’m a super dork, but so is he so it works out great. I even got yet another mixed CD (he said he feels like he’s in high school making them for me, and I love that and them!). And when finding out that the highlight of my grandfathers youth was when my great-grandpa use to take him and all of his brothers to go see the Notre Dame football games Mr. H offered to take my grandparents to see one… his reasoning- that he’s not going to have too many opportunities to get to know my grandparents and to be able to take my grandpa to a game would be really amazing since it would mean so much to him. And I think when I look back on that moment years from now I have a feeling that is going to be the one when I say- and that is when I fell in love with him…

Happy Broken Records...

Sadly I’ve become a broken record lately- seriously how many times can one person say they have never been this happy! And happily- IT’S TRUE. Things are just going amazingly with Mr. Hermosa right now. As Date Girl pointed out it really is just like a light bulb went off in my head and I’m realizing wow this is how you are supposed to be treated by a guy that you are dating! H and I have slowly just morphed into this great relationship. He even told me that his friends have all told him to make sure he doesn’t fuck up this relationship that I’m the keeper… which made me happy, because not only do they like me but we all know that once a guy is telling his boys that he’s in a relationship he’s serious! And last night while laying in bed he said not only how happy he is but that he prefers me to be with him in his bed than to be alone, even if he did have to get up at 4. And he wasn’t meaning because of sex, he had a triathlon this am so we didn’t even fool around last night. He was happy just to have ME be with him :)

This week kind of just flew by in a blur of evenings together… Wednesday night I cooked him dinner, ok more like cooked him a FEAST. The last couple of weeks he’s been wining and dining me so I thought it was only fair that I did a little bit for him. I cooked for hours, I prettied the apartment, I put on my best slutty desperate housewife outfit… the meal came out fantastic. He was beyond excited about it and loved all my cooking. And although I was supposed to be doing something for him, when he got over he told me he wanted to show me something on his phone it was a picture of my fixed bike breaks! A few weeks ago the breaks went out on my little beach cruiser, leaving me in Venice on the side of the road sobbing…. To say I had a little meltdown was putting it mildly! So I had taken my bike over to his place last weekend for him to look at it and after a temporary fix (that again left me without breaks going down a steep hill!) we realized it needed new parts. I had left it at his place and was planning on buying the parts this week so that maybe this weekend he could look at it. Well on Tuesday night, our only night apart this week, he picked up the parts and spent the evening fixing my bike as a surprise for me. Yea I know, he’s too damn PERFECT!

Thursday night was going to be our night apart. I had a girls night planned and he had track which usually leaves him exhausted. Of course my plans fell through so I ended up having a “family” dinner with friends at the beach instead…which is conveniently 2 blocks from his house so he thought it would be perfect for me to just stop by when I was done…and I did. With a plate of food for him. Now it’s a simple gesture on my part, and I’m use to those things going unnoticed. But instead he was so happy I brought him food. And we spent a fun evening hanging with his roommate watching football. A completely ordinary evening that was just felt normal and amazing at the same time!

As for last night, Friday night, since I had taken care of dinner the last two nights he cooked me dinner. Simple pasta and veggie meal (loads of carbs so he can load up for his Triathlon this morning)… and I have to say there is something incredibly sexy watching a hot man cook me dinner! After that we just watched TV (I convinced him to watch Melrose Place with me even) and he made me yet another gift. Totally cheesy but he made a mix CD, it’s the music we’ve been listening to while we’ve been having sex…. Too funny but LOVE it. And love a guy that tells me that now he will always think of me (and probably get hard) every time he hears Jack Johnson! He even titled it “Life Guard Towers”… Jack Johnson was playing when we had sex on the towers last weekend which got us on the Jack Jack kick! He really is just too cute, right?!

And today will be a busy and laid back day at the same time. I’m again spending the weekend down at his place… and at 4:30 this morning I wished him luck as he went off for his Tri. And when he’s done it’s to his favorite Notre Dame Bar with his buddies (North End) for the ND and Ohio State games and then on to the Oktoberfest with my friends and tomorrow will be Sunday Funday at the beach. And we will have spent another great weekend just relaxing, playing in the sun, drinking with a mix of our friends (which all just blend so well together!) and just getting to know each other. I’m shocked we still have things to talk about. We’ve had a ton of sex but mainly we’ve just been talking about anything and everything. I’ve never gotten to know someone so well… it helped that we’ve been friends for awhile so all the basic and introductory questions were already out of the way and we were able to just go straight to the real stuff. And I have to say it’s just been fantastic. I’m beyond happy. I’m completely de-stressed. He already brought up the Holidays as if it’s just a given we will still be together then! And I have to say I really don’t have much to write about except my broken record of- I’M HAPPY…

Once upon a time there was a little girl… who always cried love…

It’s really hard to put the last week into words. The only word I can come up with is- DREAM. As we know I’ve dated a lot, I’ve fallen in love many times, I’ve even talked about how amazing these guys really are when I’ve taken them back. But in the long run we’ve all known that they basically treat me like the gum on their shoes. But through all the dates, the men, the break ups, the disasters and sex-capades I’ve never met the right guy… well turns out maybe I’ve known him for awhile and just was too chicken shit to do anything about it! Mr. Hermosa and I have been friends since the beginning of the year, and my crush on his has been since the beginning of the summer. Yet I didn’t do anything about it. Maybe because of Mr. Piranha and all these Mr. Wrong. Maybe because I didn’t want to really put myself out there… but man am I ever happy that he finally forced me to. It’s been an amazing 2 weeks now. It’s so weird to have things be so normal. So natural. So stress free… He still plans our next dates before I leave his house. He’s introduced me to his closest guy friends. I’ve introduced him to mine (and they all LOVE him… in fact their exact words were that they can’t believe how much he dotes on me and treats me amazingly). We’ve discussed the horrible word- relationship. He’s the first guy I’ve dated in years that said point blank that at this point in his life he is not only ready for a relationship but he’s ready to settle down. In fact when the conversation of our relationship came up he said the same thing that I’m feeling- that he’s happy riding this one out. That this is just too normal for him to think anything other than it being amazing and is unbelievable happy with how things are. And let me tell you it has been nice having sex with someone and knowing that I’m the only one that they are having sex with. And that they are happy about that! I’ve never been with someone that wants to spend all his time with me, and not just in the bedroom, but have someone that really wants to get to know everything about me. One that even the other morning told me that he just wants to make me happy… and for once he’s someone that wasn’t adding the “in bed” on the end of it!

I originally was supposed to spend all of last weekend at a friend’s house at the beach… and seeing as she lives 2 blocks over from him he figured it would be a waste for me to stay there so on his insistence I stayed with him. And I was nervous. We had been together only a week (yes he did take me out and we celebrated our one-week anniversary- who does that!). But I was nervous to spend an entire 3 day weekend with him. In the long run it was the best decision ever and it felt like we had always been together and it felt amazing. We spent Friday through Monday just bumming around on the beach, riding bikes, talking nice walks hand in hand, went to see my roommates band play, took many swims in the ocean, bar hopped with all of our friends and of course had lots of great sex… all in all it may have been the most perfect weekend of my life. And although I didn’t compare him to any other guys, this morning while talking to my mother I realized just how different he really is to everyone else I’ve dated. But it’s more than that, this is different. It just feels so right. And it’s funny because when I started to tell friends about him they thought out there she goes again… and just like the little girl who cried wolf they were just counting the days until the big blow up and it once again would be over…until they slowly have started to meet him. And as soon as they do one of the first things they say is- this is different isn’t it. And like I said, I can’t even put into words just how different this really is! And no I’m not in love with him, I’m not that crazy… but I can see this going somewhere… and luckily he feels the same. And if feels amazing. Just knowing that I don’t have to obsess, analyze, stress, worry, go crazy about and basically just do everything that my friends hate me for feels great. Maybe constantly living in the past really has prevented me from meeting Mr. Right… or maybe I just need time to be ready for him. But what I know for certain is that I’m very happy to not be living in the past anymore. I even did something that needed to be done over the weekend- I let Mr. Piranha go. I knew he deserved to know the truth, especially since he was started to freak out a bit that I was avoiding surfing with him all week. As much as I’d like to say he was happy for me that I found someone that makes me this happy (I can’t stop giggling and smiling lately!) he wasn’t… And that is enough to tell me that he didn’t really care about me. Instead all he’s done is care about himself… And as soon as I got off the phone with Mr. Piranha on Friday I noticed that I had received a text message from Mr. Hermosa letting me know he got off work early and to come over for a bike ride before dinner… And I had one thought- Could it be that I’ve finally found a guy that actually deserves my heart?! I mean any guy who brings me classic literature instead of flowers may just be different from the rest…in a very good way!

Mr. Hermosa

While all this has been going on with Mr. P, over the last couple of months there has been another Mr. in the back of my mind. I haven’t mentioned him because there wasn’t been too much to tell. He started out as just the closest guy friend of two of my girl friends…but slowly over the summer we’ve become friends ourselves. There was a bit of a flirtation but nothing major. He came to my birthday to pub crawl with us (even though he had a race the next morning- he’s a serious triathlon competitor). I went and watched him compete in the 6-man volleyball tourney. And somehow we’ve ended up with this very random inside joke regarding “I’m on a boat” so over the last month a lot of text messages have been passed back and forth. Nothing overly flirty. Nowhere near dirty…but we’ve just continued to text, facebook message and see each other on a regular basis in our group of friends. Always just within the group and always with tons of alcohol. And slowly I’ve developed a bit of a crush on him, nothing major. But a little crush that I figured was just me and would never have acted on it… until Saturday night when I realized that I wasn’t the only one that was crushing! But let me take you back to Saturday…

It was the 1 year anniversary of friends of ours moving to Hermosa. Sarah and Kendal happen to live 2 houses in from the beach down there and happen to throw these huge beach parties…this one though was a more intimate party with only close friends. I was a bit excited, things had seemed to progress a bit and for some reason I was a bit nervous to see him. But after a few rounds of flip cup I was back to my normal self and enjoyed catching up with everyone and actually spending some one on one time with him. After hours of drinking on the beach everyone finally started to get ready to head to the bars, but him and I decided to head off a bit early just the two of us. As soon as we left the party I started to go back to being nervous, wondering if maybe I was imagining that he was interested in me… we got to the Poop Deck (yea I know HORRIBLE name for the bar) and after he bought us a pitcher of beer and found a corner for us to sit and chat I started to feel a bit better, still a bit nervous but this time because it was apparent that he was interested and I started to think wow this is going to happen… and after a few more pitchers, a few more bars, and everyone meeting up with us we decided to go get a late dinner, just the two of us. And so we went… down to our favorite pizza place and settled in for some pizza and some more time without the group… and I really enjoyed myself. We’ve never spent time alone, and never spent time when we were not passed out drunk. And in fact we both had sobered up quite a bit by the time we got food….and by the time we decided to take a midnight walk on the beach we both were really sober. But as soon as our feet hit the sand and his hand found his way into mine, all my nerves went away… it just felt kind of right. And sure I had a moment when he kissed me, when I thought I’m kissing one of my friends… We ended up spending close to 3 hours sitting up at the lifeguard station, not making out as you would expect but just cuddling up and talking. We talked about everything and I finally got a really good glimpse of him. And I have to say, I really liked what I saw! After the fog rolled in and the waves started to crash down we just sat there. Talked. Cuddled a bit. But spent a lot of time actually enjoying the silence.

After that we walked to his place (he has a house a couple blocks over from the beach) and we settled in for the night. Now I’m not going to say nothing happened, but I did stop us before we had sex… I kind of wanted to see where this is going. And I felt great about the fact that this wasn’t a drunken hook up. And I definitely don’t remember the last time that I hooked up with someone for the first time sober! It felt nice… and when woke up the next morning, he drove me back to my car and I left the beach with a smile…

I was originally worried, because as with Mr. Piranha, we know all the same people. But the main difference with Mr. H is that with him we really are good friends and we do hang out all the time in a very small group, a very small very gossipy close knit group. But whereas I tried to hide my relationship with Mr. P from our mutual friends, Mr. Hermosa totally succumbed after about 5 min of grilling and it’s out in the open now. But importantly everyone is very excited about it. They were pushing for it for awhile anyway. Plus two sets of them are already couples, and another set is very close t0 going that way. So really it wasn’t too abnormal for us to hook up. And in fact the group is hoping it’s more… They were really excited when they found out that Mr. H actually considered it a date! And it was pointed out to me that it’s nice because now I don’t have to stress about when I will hear from him or when I will see him again, because we all will be going out again tomorrow night! Though he didn’t give me any time to stress, about an hour after I left his place yesterday morning I got my first text message from him. And it felt normal to hear from him. And today I got more texts again… and it feels great. There really isn’t any stress this time. I’m gonna see him tomorrow. And we are already making plans to see each other without the group later this week! And for now I’m taking it pretty slow… especially since I know I still have feelings for Mr. Piranha. But after a weekend of being reminded that there really is someone who actually wants to be with me. Someone who wants to have sex with me. Someone who wants to tell all his friends about me. And someone who I want to tell all my friends about. It’s made me realize that maybe I don’t need to hang on to the past…

My Good Body!

“When I was growing up in the 50’s, “good” was simply what girls were supposed to be. They had a blond Clairol wave in their hair. They wore girdles and waist cinchers and pumps. They got married. They looked married. They waited to be given permission. They kept their legs together, even during sex. In recent years, good girls join the army. They climb the corporate ladder. The go to the gym. They accessorize. They were pointy, painful shoes. They don’t eat too much. They don’t eat at all. They stay perfect. They stay thin.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Last night I decided to get all dolled up for a friend’s birthday. I donned a very sexy dress, playing off my newly tan and newly muscular legs (thank you unemployment and surfing). Complimented them all with a great pair of heels (Calvin Klein you really are good) and set out to have a fun evening of flirting… I spent the evening catching up with girlfriends I haven’t seen in awhile, meeting new people, having a few drinks bought for me buy guys, trying my hand at winning a 2 dollar lobster and all in all felt pretty good about myself. On my way out a guy started to basically cat call me. Now boys this is not a way to get a girls attention, and seeing as I was on my way out I ignored him… until I heard this: “Never mind, I wouldn’t want to sleep with you anyways. YOU’RE FAT.”. And at that point I just turned and stared.

Many of you have known me since I was in High School and College so most of you have seen my weight go up and down. Those that haven’t known me for that long usually are shocked when I tell them I use to be a size 16. When I left college I was a normal 14. I say normal because the bulk of the US is a size 14-16. Sure I had tried to lose weight in college but the allure of Salt Bagels from the corner deli, Grays Papaya’s 50 cent hot dogs and Cozy Soup and Burger Cheese Burgers were not a match for any diet… on my first film I ballooned to a 16 and then the inevitable happened, I moved to Los Angeles. Where I came across an entirely different species of women. To a world where you can never be too thin, too tan or to blonde. Over the past 9 years I have learned to love being outside (with killer tan to prove it). I surf every morning. I live for long yoga classes. I think a hike in the mountains is one of the most perfect things, especially at sunrise. And learned that kickboxing is the cure for all that ails. I’ve spent these years slowly losing all that weight I’ve accumulated. It’s been a struggle. I’ve tried every diet there is, I’ve gone vegan, vegetarian, all meat, no carb, no gluten, no sugar, no taste. I don’t even want to think about how many drugs I’ve tried to lose weight- Herbal, Over-the-counter, Prescribed, Legal, Illegal, and Mexican. I’ve spent way too many nights at the gym when I would have much preferred to be lying in front of my couch watching TV. Everything I’ve done over the years to turn myself into who I thought would be the “perfect” woman. And slowly I’ve gone down to an almost perfect (well perfect for me!) size 4. I wear an extra small now, where I use to have only extra larges. But no matter how much weight I’ve lost or gained, I’ve always thought if I were just thinner everything would be perfect. If I don’t get my Brazilian bikini wax every 2 ½ weeks I don’t feel sexy anymore. I’ve spent most of my paychecks on the most painful but absolutely gorgeous fuck-me heels. To think of all the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on expensive highlights (currently about to go Strawberry Blonde), and manicures, and thigh high fishnet stockings, and face cream to make me feel younger and make-up to hide all my imperfections. Sexy push up bras and g-strings that I wear most days (well at least the ones where I’m not in a bikini). It’s quite astonishing how much money, time and effort I have spent trying to look a certain way, a thinner way.

Recently I re-read Eve Ensler’s play “A Good Body”. It deals with her interviews with women all over the world. How every woman would like to change at least one thing about their body more than anything: “When a group of ethnically diverse, economically disadvantaged women in the United States was recently asked about the one thing they could change in their lives if they could, the majority of these women said they would lose weight. Maybe I identify with these women because I have bought into the idea that if my stomach were flat, then I would be good, I would be sage. I would be accepted, admired, important, loved. Maybe because most of my life I have felt wrong, dirty, guilty, and bad, and my stomach is the carrier, the pouch for all that self-hatred…”

Now this isn’t a rant on men or even society, ok maybe a little on the pot-bellied guy from last night but the truth of the matter is I buy into this as much (if not more) than the next person. I judged my old boss just because she is overweight. I love the body type that is straight and narrow. We all know I rarely date a guy with any body fat on him… I think Barbie is more of role model than the anti-Christ- come on guys she’s been a president, an astronaut, a business tycoon, a doctor. I see Scarlet O’Hara as the ultimate feminist- She ran her own business after the civil war!!! My minor in Woman studies never turned me into the radical femi-nazi… I love men- as you all know I love them all a little too much. I don’t think they are to blame for anything in my life. I also don’t blame my mother (too much) or the media or society. I blame myself. We need to learn to just accept and enjoy who we are. To stop trying to change into who we think we should be but to love who we have become. At 30 I still diet every day. But I’ve finally realized maybe a pair of flip flops is better than a pair of heels. That bikini’s are better than g-strings and push up bras. That a tan is better when you get it from being outside versus in a tanning bed- even if I do have odd tan lines. That exercise should be fun not because you are training your body to look a certain way. And to the guy in the bar last night. The one who at 1:50 am was obviously not going home with someone, who needed a few hours in the sun and a few months on the treadmill, who thought that by insulting a girl he would maybe have a chance of feeling better about his defected self, to this guy I just say Pffft. Because this “fat” girl is off to enjoy a day of drinking on the beach, a day surfing in perfectly warm waters, a day with friends who maybe aren’t all “perfect” but who are absolutely perfect to me! Oh and I hope his hangover leaves him in bed sweating during this heat storm….because my imperfect self is off to the beach :)

“Tell the image makers and the magazine sellers and the plastic surgeons that you are not afraid. That what you fear the most is the death of imagination and originality and metaphor and passion. Then be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP FIXING IT. IT WAS NEVER BROKEN.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Itty Bitty Blue and White Bikini

Over the years I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment many times… have become friends with my neighbors and the fireman across the street, you may even remember a certain incident involving me and just a bikini. So it goes without saying I now have a spare key. I would say hidden, but everyone knows where it is. My friends often use it to get in when I’m not here, usually to drop things off or just to wait for my perpetually late self. I also have a trick way of getting into my place for those times when the key is not in its place (for example when Mr. P forgot to put it back after letting himself in last weekend). But I can without a doubt say I will never be locked out again… or so I thought!

After a great weekend with P I was torn about this week and his work schedule, he’s been working crazy hours and they’ve been filming up in Burbank so I prepared myself to go the week without seeing him. Really settled myself to not seeing him until late next week. Our weekend schedules never really mesh, I book myself like crazy on Saturdays and Sundays are his improve and writing day. So for the most part we just see each other during the week, and seeing as I’m most likely going to be in San Diego the first part of next week (going for Mr. Green’s roommates birthday- now that’s an entirely different blog!) I figured a week and a half without P will hopefully let me sort out what I’m feeling, and maybe make him miss me a little bit. And it’s sort of worked… I do get my nightly text from him usually telling me he can’t surf and how busy he is working, which although it’s not love letters it is SOMETHING. Though this morning he tried to make it down and way overslept his alarm until I woke him up, too late to surf…but at least he TRIES… right?

Anyways back to the real story. Since he’s been working I’ve been able to sleep in a few hours later in the mornings and have been going surfing at 10am instead of 7 or 8… and although I much prefer the early mornings because there are less surfers and we aren’t blackballed yet, it’s been nice to surf with one of my girlfriends again every day. Sure there isn’t the same giggling as with P and I, but I still have fun. And the waves have been a great size (4 foot and overhead). And yesterday walking back to her place from the beach (she lives 1 block over from where we surf) I was starting to feel all right with the world. Sure I’ve have some downs lately. And sure I’m not only nowhere near where I thought I’d be, I’m nowhere near where anyone my age SHOULD be… but I’ve been making the most of it. And there I stood, washing the sand off my legs and peeling myself out of my wetsuit (the water is still a bit chilly even in the late mornings) and thought ok I’m going to be all right… and then we realized the power was out in the neighborhood. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, except for one simple thing… we get in through her garage! And there I was, for the second time in my life locked out wearing only my bikini! Luckily her husband works only a few blocks away so we were able to go over and get a spare set of keys from him … and luckily this time I didn’t have to embarrass myself in front of my fireman (only the security guard for his office building).But seriously how does someone get locked out in only a bikini… TWICE!!!!

So maybe all is not well with the world after all… and someone somewhere is getting a big laugh out of watching me go through these random high and on fire hoops… but I keep doing them. Just hoping that the treat at the end of them is worth all these bruises and burns!

My first 30 days...

So I’m just a couple days over my first 30 days into my 30’s… when I was little I thought the world would be my oyster at 30. I thought I would meet my husband at 28, be married at 29 and have my first kid (hoping for twins!) at 30 where I would have already made my first million. Instead 30 days into “My Decade” I found myself still unemployed, instead of having a million dollars I found myself in unemployment limbo watching my savings slowly deplete to where I am today- having a whopping 7 dollars to my name, no savings, no nest egg, no credit card limit left, just plain 7 dollars. Instead of those twins and loving husband I have found myself still in love with someone who only see’s me as a buddy, constantly having sex with the wrong men (though that may be the highlight of the month!), have a stable of ex’s who have surprised me this past month and although are not that Mr. Right , what they are are fiercely protective and loyal and have really rallied me these last few weeks. There has been so much yet nothing really new to write about so I haven’t… maybe because I don’t even want to admit to myself what my life really has lead to, but here goes. Here are the 30 high/low-lights of my first 30 days…

1) I finally got to check something else off my list- Sex on a jet ski with Mr. Ex. Have to say it was actually pretty thrilling! There’s a trick to it, so after a few “false starts” we finally figured it out and managed to have sex throughout the lake.

2) After sex on the Jet Ski I found out I was severely allergic to the moss inside Pyramid Lake…found myself stuck in bed for almost 2 days after sneezing every 5 minutes for over 24 hours!

3) Found my cell phone was turned off… after borrowing some from a few friends still found me 65 dollars short… and after a nice crying jab on Mr. FB’s shoulder- something I am doing way too often lately, he paid it off for me. Not something that I wanted, nor something that anyone really knows, but something he did because he too out of work understands the need for a phone. I also think he got annoyed with not being able to get a hold of me for two days.

4) Managed to actually become a real surfer. I’ve been surfing for 6 years now. And leading up to breaking my nose a couple years ago was really getting go at. But was something I’ve backed away from since. When left with not much to do this summer but surf I have tried to surf almost every day… and the result is something that I really am proud of. Finally able to really surf!

5) Really surfing has lead me to find my other talent in life- teaching others to surf. Turns out I have a knack for it. It’s really just from spending the last couple of years backing off the real waves and just watching the waves and the surfers. I’ve managed to learn the waves. Learn how to ride them. Lean the tides… so it’s really easy for me to tell someone what they are doing wrong in order to get them up on the waves… hopefully that talent will start to make money soon!

6) Was able to see my idol surf for the first time since I was little, and not only did I get to see Kelly Slater surf, I got to see him surf the most perfect waves ever- perfect 10 all around scores and during one of the biggest swells in decades.

7) Also got to surf the biggest swell in decades. Was shockingly afraid every moment out there… spent almost two hours with Mr. Piranha scaling those bad boys. In the end you have to just feel every part of the wave. One second of lost concentration and you are off the wave and in dangerous territory with the current and incoming waves. It was exhilarating, sexy, petrifying and amazing at the sometime. Both of us completely attuned to each other just surfed. Both fully aware of what the other was doing. Both always keeping one eye on the other. And both just surfing in sync for one afternoon.

8) Which leads to the update on Mr. Piranha- in the last couple of weeks we have managed to surf more mornings than not. Slowly he has moved everything back into my place that I made him take home. We have a pattern. He has a towel hanging in my bedroom. He’s turned into that amazing guy that I wake up in the morning looking forward to seeing. That I go to sleep at night a little happier when I get those text messages that say “Night Hardt”… And last week knowing the extent of my finances took me for coffee (sounds simply but after not having it for 2 weeks I was in heaven) and filled my gas tank up… slowly in the last couple of weeks I have let him back into my heart… sadly he’s let me into his, but as a friend. I see him more than most his friends or roommates do…yet I will always be seen as just be a buddy. Something that slowly I’m coming to find out is even harder than not seeing him at all.

9) In my attempt to prove to myself that I am over Mr. P I have spent lots of time with Mr. Wyoming… who slowly in the last year has become a different man. We have an amazing time together; he even has let me teach him how to surf. We’ve had some good sex, some good laughs… and at one point he pushed for something more. But that’s something I can’t give him right now. So I’ve backed off a bit. Until my heart is free I’m definitely not going to allow myself to get caught up in something that I know deep down I really don’t want, no matter how nice it would feel to do just give into it…

10) I’ve become analy clean! In fact was sad this weekend when I wanted to clean and everything is so spotless the only thing I could do was to make my bed…until I discovered the extent of my microwave filth!

11) But in making my place clean have also made my apartment finally my own. And I love it. I even fixed up my balcony and have been reading and writing on it every day. Along with a glass of wine of course!

12) I’ve discovered a new obsession- Zac Brown Band. Love them! Run out and buy their latest album on I-Tunes, I promise you it’s worth it! Think Jimmy Buffet meets Kenny Chesney with a bit of Jack Johnson thrown in. Toes is basically my life…and sadly Chicken Fried reminds me so much of Mr. P it almost hurts some days to listen to the song. One that now as soon as we get into my car to surf he searches my cd’s until he finds it-knowing that it’s always somewhere in my car…

13) I went surfing up by Santa Barbara. It was great to try out some new waves- but at the same time it was so freaking cold! And I thought I needed a full wetsuit here lately!

14) While there I was camping with good friends. Had a blast! Just what I needed… a few days out of the city and out of my head. Plus smores! Has me pumped up for another camping trip in a month!

15) Swam with dolphins! I kid you not, I have been swimming or surfing with dolphins most days this month. So much that during shark week I felt something tugging at my leash while out surfing, I leaned over to take it off, thinking it was seaweed and found that there was a little fin attached to the marine creature that was playing with it! Panicked thinking it was a shark! As soon as my heart went back to a normal beat I realized it was a dolphin. It played with my leash and board for a bit before it swam off to surf the waves.

16) Also managed to kayak with seals…

17) Find a live sand dollar…

18) Had a sting ray slide over my foot, rest for a bit and then swim off…

19) Caught a fish with my bare hands at the lake and then released it…

20) Had a school of baby jellyfish swim right thru me…

21) And caught a sand crab!

22) Taught the cutest little 2 year old to ride a boogie board (Pheobe’s first surf lesson!)

23) Went Skinny Dipping with Mr. Ex… and forgot how much I loved it!

24) As for the Mr. Ex’s updates… I know a good chunk of my friends are still convinced that we are going to get married. I’ve been having an amazing time with him these last couple of weeks. But that’s because we both want the same things. Just a nice simply, NSA affair. We jet ski, hang at the lake, drink together, send really filthy texts, have fun sex, good laughs and enjoy each other’s company. We’ve been on and off for 7 years and he’s really one of my closest friends. Someone who I really do tell everything to and who is always there for me no questions asked. Our relationship works perfectly the way it is… and I have no interest in ever changing that.

25) Once again managed to screw my knew up…

26) Cut the back of my heels to bloody stumps by surfing and hiking…

27) Bruised most of my body with my board…

28) And killed yet another ankle.

29) Spent a lot of time crying… tried to think of it as cathartic- not depressing. But in reality had some days where I seriously just couldn’t get out of bed… and more often than not I have managed to drag myself out of bed for an early surf only to crawl back into bed when I get done and nap and sleep off and on for the rest of the day…would think I had mono if I didn’t have it in college. Just some days can’t manage to do anything…

30) But basically just spent the last month trying to find myself, trying to figure out what I want, tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life, tried to find a career, a man (even tried speed dating), had a lot of sex, had a lot of laughs, spent way too many nights up with friends, too many evenings out, way too much time on the beach, tanned myself way too much, took naps in the day (every day!), broke the motor on my vibrator, went through an entire box of condoms, learned to creatively cook using only what’s in my cabinets and just spent the last 30 days trying to get by as best as I could. It hasn’t all been good. In fact it’s been more bad than good. But in the end you have to try and make the most of it. I haven’t spent too much time at home feeling sorry for myself. In the end I’ve gone out and tried to make my place in the world. Just haven’t been a success at it so far…

Girl on the curl...

As most of you know I had a pretty serious surf accident almost two years ago. Now the accident itself wasn’t too bad, while out surfing I broke my nose resulting in me having to have it re-broken in two places and physically moved over. The serious part of the accident happened when I was knocked unconscious. Luckily I came to less than a minute later but was underwater and covered in blood. Turns out I had a pretty serious concussion, after spending the afternoon in the hospital I was released to only come home and go in and out of consciousness the next couple of days, including throwing up anything that was put into my system even water. Since then I have had a fear of my drop down. For those of you that don’t surf, a drop is what happens after a wave breaks, you have a moment where you literally ride down the wave. It happens right at the beginning… kind of hard to surf when I’m literally petrified of the first part of the wave. Sure I’ve been out there. I’ve ridden every small wave that’s come into Southern California in the last year and a half. I’ve ridden the larger waves, just after they break so that I don’t have to face my fear… and until recently I didn’t even remember the accident at all. Which I think helped, and then a couple of weeks ago it all came back to me while out surfing, making me relive the accident and relive that fear… now this past weekend a great swell came in. And I thought it have been about time for me to conquer my fears.

Now fears are a funny thing. We all have them. Some are small, personally I’m afraid of airplane bathrooms and actually have to close the lid before I flush the toilet in them (even at 30!)… some are a little bit bigger, I’m deathly afraid of falling in love again. Afraid of being hurt. And then some are deep seeded, like the fear of the wave that measures over 3 feet (meaning that at 3-4 feet it often is more like 6-7 feet as it starts to break!).. but lately I’ve decided to face all of my fears head on. I’m not the person to sit at home and wallow. I’m someone who runs headfirst into the water and deals with the consequences later. Bones heal, bruises slowly fade (wither they be of the body or the heart) and the awesome feeling you get after a perfect ride more than conquers that fear. I have friends that are afraid of getting out there, both in the waves and in love. Afraid that meeting that person will lead to them getting hurt. Afraid having to go through that heartbreak again. Afraid of being left alone yet again. Of hearing “I’ve met someone” of finding out that they never were in love with you…But here’s the thing, the fear doesn’t go away. Just because you try and close yourself off and won’t allow yourself to fall in love again doesn’t mean that everything is going to be all right. The fear is always there. And with every person you meet, you will just feel more and more afraid. And personal who wants to live their life afraid?! So this week I faced some of my fears. And I paddled out with the boys, and I got my perfect wave… and after dropping down for what felt like forever I soon realized I was still on my board and my smile just got bigger and bigger. I did it. And boy did it ever feel amazing. And after that I paddled right back out there and got slaughter on my next wave. The leash wrapped itself around my ankle as I fell, and while I tumbled the board just kept going with the insane power of the wave and that swell. Now in one day I caught a great wave and I also caught one that stopped my heart for a second as I was caught under the water and couldn’t get up. But the thing was I just tumbled with it. I knew fighting that wave would have led to a panic... so instead I just tumbled and knew I would be ok, and I was. When I popped my head up I took a couple of huge breaths and then got right back on that board and paddled back out. Because here’s the thing about your fears, you never truly conquer them. I’m always going to see those waves as potential nose breakers. I’m always going to get knocked off and knocked around. I’m always going to end up with bruises (again on my body and my heart)… And I’m always going to see that next guy as potential to completely rip my heart to shreds… but you know what, that next ride I got was even better than the first. Sure it may not have been Kelly Slater’s perfect double over head barrel of this past weekend, but it was pretty damn perfect for me. And that’s why I keep doing what I do. For that one perfect 10 wave… because like they say, there’s always a perfect wave in ever heat. And it looks like I’m just about to start catching mine again…

"YOU BROKE MY HEART!"

So at the end of the day I was left with one thought- Does swiping someone with my surfboard, make us even for him breaking my heart? In the long run maybe if I had actually knocked him out, then yes… but maybe I should back up before I look like a deranged bunny boiler going after Mr. Piranha… After last weeks emotional exhaustion that was giving back all of his stuff, I was hoping my heart would have awhile to heal before I would see him again. We both have too many mutual friends and mutual activities to not run into each other. And I’m sure we will be running into each others romantic interest too before the year is out, but was hoping for some time before any of that. Well things don’t always go according to plan, do they? Instead only a week after seeing him last, and saying my final goodbye, I was not prepared to see him today. Friday is our usual surf day… and I assumed that after all that has happened he would opt out of it. And I knew it was going to be hard going without him but it was something that I’m trying to get use to in general so I knew I would get through it just fine. But what I didn’t expect was to spend the morning surfing with him, trying to pretend like everything was fine… when all I wanted to do was scream. Because the truth of the matter is I’m really angry. Angrier than I’ve been in a really long time. I spent a lot of time being hurt. A lot of time crying. A lot of time being confused…and have just been left with this rage. I’m angry for all the lies he told me. I’m angry about all the times he told me that I was amazing when he doesn’t really believe that. I’m angry about every time he looked at me in those puppy dog eyes with a twinkle in them, and every time he would give me this grin that seemed like it was meant just for me… I’m angry that I left him get under my skin and showed him just how much. Angry every time he calls me by a nickname that he knows only a select few call me, and one that just reminds me of every time he use to say it… and how much it use to mean to hear him say it…But most of all I’m angry for falling in love with someone once again who just doesn’t love me… And I’m so angry that I can’t be around him. He tried to talk to me most the morning, I couldn’t even look at him, could talk, couldn’t even say hi. I tried to avoid him, though it’s hard to do on an ordinary day of surfing but near impossible on a day when the waves were 8 - 10 feet, when one missed step and you could be drug under a very large very powerful wave. And we slowly got into a pattern, after everyone had to bail after about 15 minutes in the waves, it was just us. Both keeping an eye out for the other, both making sure that the other was ok. And so we surfed. Not really saying anything except checking in every once in awhile. And roughly 2 hours later, after we were worked from the waves we called it a day. And slowly made it back to the shore… he tried a few comments to get me to come out of my shell, and I just couldn’t bite. He once again made a sexual comment when I got out of my wetsuit, and for a moment I saw that sparkle back in his eye and saw how much he does appreciate what I look like wearing very little. And I just had to turn away. Because at the end of the day all I felt was nothing. I looked at him and I knew it was over. No longer were we lovers. No longer were we friends. No longer were we even acquaintances…instead we were stranger. Two strangers that just happen to spend a couple of hours every week in the water together. But who when back on land have nothing left… and that makes me very sad. That someone who I once was so close with I can’t even bare to be in the same room as. I don’t know if I have ever shut down like I have now with him… as we know I’m always the one who smoothes things over. Always the one who tries to be friends. And I have since things went south, but when it came down to it today I just couldn’t do it anymore… and maybe this anger will leave me. But from where I sit tonight that’s not going to happen for awhile…and maybe it’s healthy to finally be mad. To finally not be able to see him. To finally maybe be able to stop remembering all the great times we had. Because what I need to remember is exactly how I feel now. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. And furious… because this is what he has done to me… and really why would I ever want to go back and be friends with someone who makes me feel like this? So for now I will opt out of Friday morning surf sessions. Carefully crafted answers and a trip to San Onofre will replace my 7am paddle out with friends. And it sucks that it’s come to this. But once I’m going to opt out of seeing the one who has broken my heart. Will stop trying to be friends. And will just move on. After all, hasn’t he?!

Comfort in the arms of an old friend

I have an often confusing and complicated relationship with most of my ex’s. Most of it stems from my inability to not remain friends with them. Something that often has resulted in more problems than they were worth, and more often than not with an even bigger hole in my heart. Some such as Mr. FB and Mr. Ex have turned out to be amazing friends and always there for me. Some such as Mr. Arizona and Mr. Green have just continually broken my heart until I finally reached my boiling point and kicked them both out of my heart and my life. But then there is one that is often more confusing and complicated than either of us know what to do with, Mr. Wyoming. We often can bring out the best in each other, but just as many times bring out the worst. Over the years we have continually walked this very fine line that eventually one of us crosses and some dramatic moment will ensure. Usually with one of us telling the other to lose our number and then without fail a couple months later he will usually call, I will resist, he will keep calling and then we start the trouble over again. To this day neither of us can really remember why we broke up the first time. I remember his father flying out and putting an end to it, he just remembers us falling apart… who knows what the real reason was, if there really even was one. But somewhere along the line we became connected in a way that’s hard to pin point. No longer in love with him, I will always care for him. When he showed up on my doorstep just before I left for Havasu I was shocked. In December after yet another odd freak out by him we both decided that this was not worth it. So when he showed up to apologize for everything over the years and to tell me that of all the people in his life that I was the only one who has every truly been there for him, to say that I was speechless was an understatement. And since I’ve left for Havasu we’ve stayed in touch with emails frequently, a few text messages and a few facebook comments. Since returning from Havasu I’ve hung out with him, but none of the old feelings came back. Just two old friends hanging out… but there’s something different that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to. I don’t want to know the difference; I don’t want to know where that difference can lead. Last night we once again hung out, had drinks in my apartment, went over some new changes I want to make (he’s going to help on Thursday Paint my bedroom and kitchen.)… And for the first time in a long time we ended up back in my bed. Now he and I never really got out sex life together, it became a big joke that we really were just not sexually compatible. And for a good part of last night it was the same as always. We ended up stopping and just laid in bed laughing about it. But the changing moment was when he looked at me and asked why after all these years we just couldn’t get it together. And I knew he meant more than just the sex. And I kind of shrugged and laughed, a sign that we aren’t meant for each other I said… and yet after that the sex was kind of fantastic. And we fell asleep in each other’s arms to only wake up in the middle of the night and once again try a little fantastic out… and in the end I was left with a smile. Finally figured it out… just too late to figure us out. Maybe it finally worked because we were more honest with each other last night than we ever have been. We laughed, and talked and reminisced… and I was surprised that after all these years we are still so familiar to each other. In a way it’s like coming back to my past...

Sometimes a Sand Dollar is just a Sand Dollar...

I’ve spent the last week trying to find meaning in Sand Dollars. Mr. Piranha came and picked up all his stuff that he’s left at my house, including his surfboard. It’s funny, returning his wetsuit and misc other items he’s left in my apartment and car wasn’t hard. I just washed what was here and put them all in a bag, including a CD that I had burned for him awhile back. But seeing him come for the board really made my heart drop. In my naïve state I saw that board as a symbol of hope. On my birthday he even joked that he was slowly moving into my apartment. That board meant we would continue to surf all the time, that he actually did want to be with me, that he would be able to get over his issues and things would work themselves out. What I didn’t realize was that he was working out these issues on someone else and that I was just becoming his storage bin. At first he was hesitant about getting his board, but I think that was just a cover, him trying to still be the nice guy because as soon as I mentioned him coming to pick it up he jumped at the chance… and since then I’ve been a jumble of emotions. Mad that I actually let him think I forgave him (though who am I kidding, of course I forgave him for many of the things). Mad at myself that I let him come surf. Something that he annoyingly continued to thank me for the rest of the day. Mad at myself that I let him off the hook so easily. A half ass apology once again telling me how amazing I am, shouldn’t have cut it. And in fact there was a moment when I completely let him off the hook, and oddly it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with a little pet sand dollar… When he came down I kept him at arms length. It was awkward and I am not ashamed to say I wasn’t that nice. We surfed and I continued to keep him at arms length until I noticed that right at the edge of the water were thousands of live sand dollars. Something so amazing that I can’t even describe them. And I played with them and searched the beach… the irony of them is that for as many live ones there were just as many dead ones, washed ashore and broken. Growing up I always believed that each sand dollar represented a broken heart. And there I was, with mine breaking more and more every minute finding tons of broken hearts washed up on the beach, and a few whole ones (which if you have ever searched for sand dollars know that those are really rare. )And I took it as a sign…

Since then I have researched Sand Dollars. I found out that they have a huge meaning in Catholicism and actually are the symbol for love, hope, and rebirth. And I thought that someone was trying to tell me something… in the end I’ve realized that they really are just sand dollars. Just live animals that got washed up due to an incoming storm off Mexico. They aren’t any higher being trying to tell me something. Because as much as I believe in signs, what would the universe be telling me. To not give up hope? That’s what my girls had been telling me this past month. That my broken heart will heal, even in my most dramatic state I know that it will. That something better will come? Doesn’t it always… That this is a chance to once again start over… sure that sounds nice. But for once I’d like to not be starting over. I’ve like to not end up in tears. I’d like to not be left alone on my Saturday nights while the one that I really want to be with is out with who he actually wants to be with. I don’t know when that’s going to happen… if it ever will. I’ve always thought I’d be married and with kids at this point in my life. And I’ve finally come to realize that I’m actually really happy that I’m not. That my life is just starting and I have so many adventures out there to live… it’s just that I’d like someone to share them with. And despite all the differences that we had, despite that even some of our closest friends had a hard time seeing us together, I know deep down that he was someone that I could share my adventures with… and that is worth a lot more than a handful of sand dollars ever will.

And part three... the final part.

So much has happened in the last week and I’ve had a hard time writing about it. Over the years you have watched as I fall in and out of love. Watched me get hurt. Watched me pick myself up all the while saying this time I’m really broken…in fact I’ve begun to feel like the little girl who cried pain… and maybe it’s because when you fall you forget all the spills you’ve had in the past. You just look on with hope and forget all the hurt. But once again I lay broken… and I know that just like all the rest, I will get over him. I will move on with someone else… but this one is going to be really hard to get over. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere between Havasu and Los Angeles I fell in love. But a completely different love. For once I wasn’t oblivious to his faults. Instead I fell in love with him… and over the last month he has told me many things, given me many promises, and weaved a web of lies. I’ve spent many nights playing with his kittens. I’ve had him cook me dinner. We’ve spent many morning surfing. Looking for the best taco places in Los Angeles. I’ve met his friends. He’s hung out with mine… and I believed everything that he told me. When he said he’s still in pain from his last relationship and needed time, I believed that. When he said he needs to take a break from dating, I believed that. We he sent me email after email telling me just how awesome and amazing I am, I believed that too. And I know now I should have walked away in Havasu. I have very few regrets in my life, in fact I can count them on one finger, and the fact of the matter is that if I could have skipped a party back in December and never met him I would without hesitation. Because after each break up I have been left with a different set of hurts, but never have I felt completely raw with humiliation as I do right now. Not even being posted naked on the internet has left me feeling like this… On Saturday he finally told me the truth. In one short conversation I found out all those “issues” he had with himself and how he couldn’t date were really just issues with me. He told me point blank that yes he was seeing someone else, but that it wasn’t exclusive because “I just need to be single for awhile because I’m enjoying fucking a lot of girls”… and it was in the moment that I actually couldn’t catch my breath. Because I looked at him with all the love in my eyes and staring back at me were the eyes of someone I don’t know. I was also informed of my sexual issues- apparently I don’t give enough blow jobs… it wasn’t just him being honest, it was him being down right cruel. I tried to get him to leave, but in fact was told he still had a beer to drink, so I Ieft to shower and get ready for the night. When I got out he was still there… and in that moment I hated him. More than I can remember feeling in a really long time. Because I will say it, I hate him right now.

Since Saturday I’ve received emails and texts from him, apologizing. Saying he didn’t mean anything that he said on Saturday. Telling me once again how amazing I am, trying to take back his blow job comment and in fact told me: “The sex was really fun, you look great naked and you do some really cool stuff with your vagina”, romantic, right?! That I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, that he didn’t mean it, that he’s scared of a relationship and that he just felt panicked at the thought of getting into one again. That I’m a really “cool chick”… and every day goes on and I don’t feel any better. I feel a hole where one of my close friends use to be… I miss him even more than I hate him. And yet I know that this time I cannot be friends with him. I’ve tried to return his surfboard… and even now as I sit here crying I just received another text from him. I told him that I cannot be friends, but the truth of the matter is that we have too many mutual friends for us to not run into each other. When he asked about surfing this week I told him that we will have to eventually so might as well get this over with. But at the same time I told him that that will be the only time he will see me. And even now I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face him…

The Holiday weekend and my Piranha Bite…part 2 of 3

Friday I was very hopeful, things with Mr. P seemed to be back to normal. We were having a blast hanging out, he was finally back to his old flirtatious self, we had spent an amazing day before and I was excited to meet his guy friends. It was the birthday of one of his oldest and dearest, one of his Fraternity Brothers from back east and I was going to get to meet all his close guys. And call me crazy, but I always take it as a good sign when the guy wants me to meet his boys. Now I’ve meet his roommates and we get along great. I’ve met a bunch of his girl friends, because they are how I met him originally. But the boys, now those I haven’t met. I of course brought along some back up of my own, two of my girl friends who although don’t know these guys just happen to be just as close, if not closer with Mr. P than I am. And the evening started off promising. Flirty text messages going back and forth had me ready for a fun night… and by fun I mean I was thinking that maybe I should have shaved my legs after all. And things seemed to be going great, he was very touchy feely, kept telling me just how amazing I looked and in fact started hinting about maybe he would like a little company in his bed that night. I hit it off with the rest of his friends, and even had a giggle when one of the girls came up to me and was like oh you’re Hardt, we’ve been teasing him about you and waiting to meet you. I thought damn I’m in… and when I went to say goodnight he leaned in and gave me just exactly what I’ve been waiting for since I came back from Havasu- that amazing goodnight kiss. But then of course when I should have gone home with him, I went home alone. He once again freaked out and told me that he couldn’t do this and when I went to the car I received the message that really just killed me: “I’m so sorry for the mind fuck. You are gorgeous. And amazing. And sexy. And I want to be with you so bad. But I can’t. I just need time or something. There’s a lot going on right now and I just need some time. I’m sorry”

And once again I was bitten. I couldn’t believe it. And for hours the text messages flew, with confessions and truths that I actually can’t share. I said I wouldn’t tell a soul, and for once I am keeping my promise. And yes there are many reasons why he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, but he seems to be forgetting the main reason why he should- the fact that no matter what happens, no matter how many times he says he doesn’t want to be with me and can’t be with me, no matter what he tries to do, at the end of the day does think about me. He still is drawn to me, to us to what we were. And that’s the hardest. If he just didn’t want to be with me, it would be so easy to walk away. If he could look me in the eye and say I just don’t want you, I would be gone…but he can’t. Even when I asked him to say that to me on Friday night, he couldn’t. All he could say is that he needs time…

And yet again he woke up Saturday morning claiming he doesn’t remember much of what he said the night before. And yet again he sent texts all day seeing how my 4th was going… and yet again we spent a Sunday night cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First to the intermission of the 4th…

The Holiday Weekend and my Piranha Bite. Part 1 of 3- with a brief intermission for the 4th

In relationships it’s not abnormal for me to be jealous, but it’s an odd jealousy. When I’m out with the guys and they are talking to other girls, I never get jealous. I always know that they are going home with me so I am usually very secure on that. But what I do get jealous about are these friends of theirs that I don’t know. These girls that pop up on their caller id, or their facebook pages or just in random conversation. And add to that this very weird sense of things, I sometimes go a little over the edge with that jealousy. I always know the one. The girl they end up cheating on me with. The girl they break up with me for. The girl they are dating at the same time. It’s weird how I can sense it. It’s never the girl that leaves millions of messages. It’s never the girl that we hang out with on a Saturday night. It’s never the overly flirty girl. So I don’t know how I know.. .but I do.

Now this week I had a different kind of jealousy. Resigned to the fact that Mr. Piranha and I are only going to be friends I’ve been hanging out with him a bit more. And when he called to invite me to go surfing Thursday I was excited. Mostly we’ve been hanging out with people, and even when I was over as his place the other night watching movies we watched it with his two roommates and his very attentive cat, Tink. So the idea of being out in the water with him basically just chilling for an hour or two was very appealing…until he brought along the girl I can never be, Miss Friend. Now I’ve known Miss Friend for years and have even become hiking buddies with her recently. We’ve always gotten along and it is in fact through her that I met Mr. Piranha. Now she has always intimidated me. It’s hard to explain why, but she reminds me of that girl in high school, the one who never cared much what people thought about her, who smoked behind the bleachers and was always one step cooler than you were though you could never pin point why. Through the years I’ve always been a little shy around Miss Friend, never felt quite cool enough. Which is odd because I never have that feeling, I can walk up to almost anyone and strike up a conversation. Yet with her I’m a bit more subdued. Now add on top of that that she is without a doubt the closest friend that Mr. Piranha has and they are so close at times I feel they are the same person, and are inseparable so it’s only normal that now I am even more intimidated by her. And seeing how close they are it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me when I got a text message last night saying she was coming surfing too… But it’s an understatement to say I wasn’t a little disappointed. And it wasn’t because I was hanging out with her, and it wasn’t because I was hanging out with the two of them because oddly enough when I’m actually with the two of them I somehow feel less out of place. A friend of mine reminded me this weekend that no matter what I do he will never look at me the way he does her, and that they will always have these inside jokes and I will always feel out of their circle. But in fact I feel the exact opposite. When I am with them they both go a bit out of the way to make sure I feel included. And in fact the three of us had a blast surfing and we have plans to go again this week. The only reason I was disappointed was due to the fact that I was hoping to spend some time with him alone so that I can get use to the whole we are just friend’s thing and really try and move past this. Instead we had an amazing time the three of us which just let me with this feeling of why can’t this work out!

After the day spent surfing Miss Friend headed home and Mr. P and I got Tacos and beers and just chilled at my place for the afternoon… and I would like to say there wasn’t any tension between us that we were just two friends hanging out, but we all know that wasn’t the case. In fact when he mentioned how it was such a great idea for us to hang out and surf I agreed and told him that it was all part of my master plan. That the more we hang out, the more I will want to be with him. And his exact response was: “Well that didn’t work out too well now did it?” After I got a little defensive, I mean I at least thought I was putting on a good front, he replied- “No I was talking about me. Hanging out with you has not made me want you less, in fact it’s only made me want you more”… so the plan has back fired. And that night he not only invited me to BBQ at his house the next day but sent me a message that night letting me know that not only did he have an amazing time with me but just how much of an amazing girl I was… hopeful, yes. Ready for the boat to get rocked, most definitely. About to be disappointed yet again, read on…

I'm 30!

I’m 30. I don’t have the perfect life. I haven’t met the allusive “Mr. Right”. I don’t have 2.5 kids. I don’t live in that house with the white picket fence. I don’t have that perfect job. I may not have had the “perfect” life but I have had an amazing one.

In the past 30 years I’ve had wild crazy passionate affairs and even got caught having sex in a national park (as well as given a blow job driving down the sunset strip in Vegas). I learned to surf, kick box, kayak, became a yoga master, hitch hiked through Hawaii, gone off roading through mountains and deserts, white water rafted, zip lined through rainforests, cliff dived in Jamaica, gone bungee jumping, learned to ride a stand up jet ski, hiked an active volcano, ran from a rattle snake, gotten stung by a jelly fish, a sting ray, and had a man of war wrap itself around my body. I’ve gotten caught in a rip current, held under a wave, knocked unconscious by my surfboard, broken my nose, sprained my knee, been to multiple emergency rooms and gotten multiple concussions.

I’ve been in 5 major relationships and more minor ones than I care to remember! I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights but I’ve woken up with a smile on my face so many more.

I love taking a nap with someone on Sunday afternoons especially after a day at the beach! And will marry in an instant the guy who loves sand in the bed as much as I do.

I’ve work on top rated Sitcoms, huge budget romantic comedy films, disaster movies with famous directors but can’t wait to move into Environmental Documentaries.
I’ve been vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, carb-free, carb-addict, you name it and I’ve tried it. Right now I just am me. And although I’ve never received flowers from a boyfriend at one point I thought I would marry the man who brought me cheese instead…until I found that man. And until recently I’d never had a boy cook me dinner (still dreaming about those damn Brussel Sprouts too!)

I think walks in the moonlight are the best, especially in the sand. And the best place for a date is the Santa Monica Pier complete with ice cream and a ride on the Farris Wheel.

Even though I know that he’s just not that into you if he isn’t calling I still will call him (and text, and facebook, and BBM…) I hate anyone being mad at me so I will always call and apologize even if they were in the wrong. I will forgive someone for anything, which most people will say is my biggest fault. I think it’s one of my biggest strengths, though it literally kills me a little bit inside every time I do.
Some of my ex’s are my best friends and I’m even still friends with the first guy I ever slept with and who, like everyone has always predicted, will be at my wedding. He will just not be the one waiting at the end of the aisle for me.

I’ve been set up on blind dates by all my friends and except for one they have all been disasters. I’ve tried online dating, dated friends brothers, friend’s cousins, friends of friends, ex’s of friends and even spent a memorable evening speed dating. But all those dating disasters have lead to funny stories, a blog and hopefully before long a book!

I don’t adhere to the 3 day before calling or the 3 dates before sleeping with them rules! I don’t believe “It’s not you it’s me”, obviously it is me or we’d be together. I’ve finally learned that “I just can’t date anyone right now really means I just don’t want to date YOU! I don’t play games which is one of the reasons why I can’t keep a relationship for more than a couple of months and I’m too honest for my own good. I don’t believe in Nice Guys, but still hope they are out there. And despite it all- all the bad dates, the broken hearts, the unanswered calls, the times I’ve been cheated, all the men that have left and all those failed romances, despite everything I still believe in Soul Mates.

Many people yell at me for living in what they coin a fantasy land but I will always believe in the best of people. I also believe in second chances (and third and fourth and fifth)… And when I get an idea in my head, I start to make plans. I can’t help myself. I just get caught up in the moment, in life, in the possibilities that could be and fall head first into everything (including men). I wish on a star almost every night. I throw pennies into every fountain I pass. I try and wish on 11:11… And at 30 I still believe in fairytale endings, in pots of gold at the end of rainbows and that there really is a silver lining on every dark cloud. But although I still believe in Happily Ever After, I’ve finally learned that life isn’t a romantic comedy. Sometimes it isn’t about happy endings, at least not the kind I dreamt of as a little girl. Because sometimes in life the princess doesn’t get to keep her prince. And more often than not he just turns out to be a frog. But I’ve learned that it’s not about the destination in life, it’s about the journey. And boy have I had some journeys!

I cry at happy endings and love horror moves more than anything. The Shinning is my staple for Valentine’s Day and one of my favorite things to do in the summer is to see old horror movies at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

I’ve traveled around the world every way possibly including by ferry, hydro-plane, mule, helicopter, horse, car, truck, bike, kayak, shuttle… and yet to this day I’m still afraid of airplane bathrooms and have to put the lid down before I flush them.
I moved to Los Angeles 8 years ago not knowing a soul. And in the last 8 years, this once strange and scary city has become the home that I never imagined. I have met amazing people, the people that everyone else in the world only dream about. And at the same time I have met friends that I can now only call family. I’ve surround myself with a group of people that have literally brought me back to the living more times that they will ever know. They are a hodgepodge of people that I’ve met over the years. Some are from Elementary School, some College, some from Universal, Warner Brothers, New Line and various Films and TV shows. Somehow through dinners and drinks, nights spent crying and laughing, days spent on the beach surfing and biking, through births and deaths, through break ups and wedding, and through 8 years of life they have become my family.

I love thunderstorms, the louder the better. And if I get to have sex during one then I truly am in heaven!

I hate people not returning phone calls so no matter how mad I am with someone I will always call them back. And yes I will get mad at you when you don’t respond to my text messages!

I’ve goggled everyone I’ve ever dated (and possibly facebook stalked as well). And if you date me you will end up in one of my blogs.

My mom is my best friend and my father is the first person I call if something good or bad happens.

At 30 I’ve finally stopped trying to be who people want me to be. I’m far from perfect. I often go at least an extra day without shaving my legs. I’ve started to except that I will always have a belly is sticks out more than it should. My face still breaks out from stress. More often than not my hair is just in an unbrushed pony. I prefer my glass to my contacts. I often go days without wearing a bra. I’m grumpy, demanding, whiny, solitary, spastic, loud, overbearing, crazy, obsessive, and dorky me. I spend way too much time on my computer. Too many hours dissecting my belly. Gets depressed when the scale goes up… and giddy when it goes down.

I’ve had a tumultuous couple of years and have learnt that it’s ok to be 30 and not married, to not have my 2.5 kids yet, to not own my own house, to not have a job that I totally love or get paid enough for. It’s ok to not wear SPF 40 (and not to feel guilty about it). Ok to skip dinner to have that chocolate cake. Ok to not have that diamond ring from Tiffany’s. It’s OK to not look like Barbie, to not agree with my parents view on my life, to enjoy sex (even if it sometimes is with the wrong guy). And most importantly it’s Ok to just be ME!

In the past 30 years I’ve died my hair platinum, brown, maroon, and finally back to its natural blond, I’ve broken someone’s heart and had my own broken (more than once!), bailed a boyfriend out of jail, gotten reviewed in numerous papers, had a naked super bowl party (for only two of course!), totaled a car (well had it totaled for me), gotten a tattoo, did a walking marathon, lost 5 dress sizes and 40 pounds, been posted naked on craigslist, learned to mix the perfect drink (and began writing about it), learned to put on false eyelashes (hey that one was really hard!), spent an entire day naked in bed with someone, built a bonfire from scratch, built a perfect sandcastle, thrown a black tie party, gotten the answer right in final Jeopardy, built a website from scratch, killed every plant I’ve ever owned, met my idols, lit fireworks on the beach…And just lived my life. Maybe not the way I’m supposed to, maybe it’s not “perfect”, maybe it’s not how you’d live your life… When I think back to what I thought my life would be like at 30 and all the things that I thought I should have or should have done I can see that for everything that is still missing there are at least 3 amazing things that are in its place, things that I never thought possible, that I never even dreamed of. Life is a funny thing, you go through it with this plan, this idea of what your life should be like. And then one day you realize that your life might just be everything you’ve ever wanted. Sure it may not be wrapped up in a happy little bow yet, but really who wants their Happy Ever After at 30? For me I can’t wait to see how this story plays out… right now I’m just at the 3rd Act twist. In fact this is just The Beginning…

From my mother on her 60th brithday...

I am not an old woman....by CME

I am 60, I have lived a Lavish life, from Lorain to London. I have traveled in all four hemispheres; From south of the equator to dive on the Great Barrier reef, To North Pole Alaska to see Santa Clause. I have visited my family’s origins in the Czech Republic, Attended Mass at the Vatican in Rome, And prayed to Buddha in China. In 60 years; I have crawled, run, hiked, biked and walked the Boston Marathon. I have witnessed someone take their first breath, and another’s last. I have experienced ups and downs, But always saw my glass half full instead of half empty. It is so hard to believe that I am finally as old as my mother. I now walk in comfortable shoes, Buy a bathing suit without trying it on and eat desserts. I hate turning 60, but I love what has gotten me here . . . I love being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend And a cancer survivor who celebrates life every day… Including another birthday.

When hope doesn't float up

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.

Sometimes my hopeful optimism breaks me down. And today I really feel it. When you are on the outside you can see that something isn’t working, that something will never work. You can look at a friend’s relationship and know that she’s just about to get her heart broken. And you can advise her. And you can try and be there. But no matter what you do or don’t do she’s still going to get hurt… and once again I’m just left hurt. But this time it’s more than just being hurt by a boy. It’s hurt by the same situation over and over again. Because at some point we realize that it’s not these boys but it’s us. It’s something that I am doing that seems to have them run to the hills… And for once I just have to say I give up. This has actually broken me. I’m sick of always having blind hope. Always “knowing” that it’s just going to work out… because what if it’s just not? Every guy I’ve dated in the last couple of years is right now currently in a great relationship. All these guys that all my friends have put down told me aren’t good enough, that they are the ones with the problems, with the commitment issues, that it’s not ME. The fact of the matter is it is, it’s me. It’s me that they didn’t love enough, or at all in some of these cases. They were perfectly able to move on with the next girl and give her everything that I never got. And yet I’m still here racking up one unsuccessful relationship after the next… Always the girl that stays friends with them. Always the girl who is just there. The one who calls. The one who is the push over. The one who always forgives. The one who makes sure they are ok. The one who in the end just doesn’t move on. Well I’m done being that girl. The girl that at the end of the day just ends up with her heart broken in her hands… and I’m sure I will piece it back together like I usually do. But what do I do know that I finally realize that it may be pieced back together, but it’s just never going to be the same. What do I do when I start to realize that maybe that happy ending isn’t mine. That maybe at the end of the road there is just me. And there isn’t anything I can do about it.

Dating 5, Friends 4!

After Mr. Piranha left for a buddies wedding in New York this weekend I prepared for 5 days with no communication… instead I have had constant text messages from him including a picture of my favorite hot dog place in New York. Which just left me with a constant grin on my face all day, even while at work- which was insanely grueling… I feel we may be inching out of the friends zone. More to come, but am exhausted!

Dead tie- Friends 4, Dating 4?!

So Tuesday night I had a first date… well at least that’s what it felt like. But in fact I still don’t know exactly what it was or what it meant. Does he want to just be friends? Does he want to go back to dating? So I will let you decide what the final tally was…

After spending the afternoon yelling at the Lakers Game with my boys down at Big Wangs I went over to Mr. Piranha’s place for a movie night with his roommates (Dating 1, Friends 0- wanted me to meet the friends)… and it felt…awkward (Dating 2, Friends 0, felt like first date). We both didn’t know what to do with each other. I was nervous going over because I haven’t seen him since we got back from Havasu a week and a half ago and didn’t know what to expect. And instead of a night with just the two of us feeling things out, we spent them in the constant company of his 2 roommates (Friends 1, Dating 2- he didn’t seem to want to be alone with me!). Mind you I didn’t mind hanging out with his roommates, but on the other hand neither of us knew how to act and they didn’t seem to help things. And seeing as he was impossible to read I just kind of sat there taking it all in. The movie sucked so luckily we all talked through most of it, and watched their new kitten play with everything that she could find. And maybe it would have been just as awkward without the roommates there, but who knows. In the end we ended up sitting next to each other on the couch, not really cuddling but still up against one another. (Friends 2, Dating 2) I wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move, so I just sat there. And it felt really odd to sit next to him without touching him. Usually we would be all cuddled up with our legs intertwined and him holding my hand in his… not next to each other touching just barely. We both moved slowly closer toward each other as the night went on (Dating 3, Friends 2), and by the end my legs we sort of over his, but just barely (Friends 3, Dating 3). Still afraid to make a move. I could see him turning to look at me though out the movie (Dating 4, Friends 3), and every once in a while I’d look back at him… but was afraid to rock the boat. Didn’t want to come off to sexual in case he really does want to be friends, but on the other hand I think I may have given him the wrong vibe of me just wanting to be friendly. After the movie I was hoping we would go back to his room to just be us… nothing was going to happen sexually because among all our other problems I’m very allergic to cats and with a runny nose and sneezing I wasn’t putting off the please jump my bones vibe… so all through the evening we felt like strangers on a first date. Trying to feel each other out, double guessing what the other was thinking and all around not acting like “us” at all. Which is weird, because despite all the weirdness, despite his freak out, and pressures that I put on him we were always really good with the us part. We kind of just fit… and sitting there on the couch I couldn’t really put a finger on it, but it felt like we all of a sudden just didn’t. And so I sat there…

After the movie P ended up making a midnight snack (Chili Mac and Cheese Fries) and I sat on the kitchen counter and kept him company for the hour it took him to make it. When we finally were a bit away from his roommates we sort of went back to our normal selves… but the roommates were always right in the room with us, adding comments into our conversation. And although we were a bit back to normal it still felt off. It’s not that I’m not use to him put putting around in the kitchen. In fact it was always one of my favorite times with him. But this time instead of the touching and flirting we mostly stayed in our own corners… and as soon as he finished cooking I decided I need to end the awkwardness and head home (that and the allergy attack was getting worse)… as I made my goodbyes he leaned in and gave me a HUG (Friends 4, Dating 3)… it felt weird enough saying goodbye at the end of the evening instead of just crawling into bed with each other, but a HUG?! Though when I tried to end it he actually just held me tighter (Dating 4, Friends 4). And there we stood. With our arms around each other. My face buried in his neck for what felt like a lifetime. And then he let go and I was on my way… even more confused than ever. From where I’m sitting it’s a tie. Still no idea what’s going on…. But finally ok with just letting it ride. So maybe we will be friends. Maybe we will go back to dating… All that I do know is that it felt damn good to be back in his arms.

Mr. Piranha

Because I couldn't resist... while organizing photo's on my computer I came across one of the many pictures that I have of Mr. P from our time in Havasu. Let me introduce you to Mr. Pirannha!

Sometimes you can't love the one you're with...

You know those days when you run into an ex and things are great, you laugh, and talk and reminiscence and when it’s all over you are left with a sense of nostalgia and you just can’t seem to remember why you broke up in the first place? Well yesterday I had the opposite happen. I spent another weekend down with Mr. FB. One that involved lots of drinking and an insane volleyball tournament. We went to one of his frat brothers Volleyball Tourney down at Dockweiler State Beach. It involved lots of insane costumes, loud music, crazy drunkenness and a whole lot of fun. The problem was we were seriously drinking for the better part of the day so by 3 everyone was trashed. And although I was very drunk myself, I had one moment of sobriety. I looked over at Mr. FB being his usual fun loving outgoing self and I had one thought- that for the life of me I couldn’t remember why we ever started dating in the first place. Now nothing happened to make me change my mind about him. He’s exactly who he has always been, I just can’t remember why I ever found that appealing. And in that moment I realized just how appealing Mr. Piranha really was… and did stupid thing number 1 for the day- I called him. Now the surprising thing was he was actually really happy to hear from me. I was surprised that he even answered the phone… and I tried to tempt him into taking a break from working on his online cartoon later in the day with me. And he began to think about it… now drunk and not wanting to push my luck I quickly got off the phone but not before he decided that yea maybe he could use a little break later… so I continued on my day, only this time sobering up. After the tourney we headed to Mr. FB’s favorite place- Big Mikes, for some much needed dinner and then it was time to head back to my place for a nap. Now MR. FB was a little confused by this because all along I was planning on just napping there and then heading out later with him to the tourney after party. But in that moment I just couldn’t get away quick enough… These last two weekends with Mr. FB have been great. Just what I needed. We had tons of fun, I got to hide out at his place down by the beach, and it was sort of like dating but without the actual intimacy and sex. It’s just been really easy. And it was something to really smooth me into being single again after spending the weeks prior being in constant intimacy (and sex) with Mr. Piranha. And for that I’m very grateful that Mr. FB was there…but the sad thing was that at the end of the day it was Mr. P whom I wanted to crawl into bed with. And he’s the one who I just can’t be with. In the end he wasn’t able to take a break from his work. And I would like to say it wasn’t able, versus just didn’t want to be bothered with me. And he really does have to work all weekend for his huge pitch that he has this week.. And in the end I need to not only give him space, but give my heart a little space from him. Because despite it all he still is the one who put the smile on my face yesterday. The one who reminded me of just how great things could have been. And still the one who left me wanting more… Because as much as I want it, this sadly little Hardt doesn’t get to just climb into bed with him and nap away his fears… instead I will just climb into my own bed and dream that things can end differently. Because just for once I’d like this story to end with a happily ever after. After all, isn’t it about time?

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the LA and FB Part of the story.

And now the promised story on Mr. FB and how he fits into the saga with Mr. Piranha. Last I left it with Mr. FB he was dating someone else just as I started dating P… though turns out who he is dating is a former very famous child-star, former meth-addict, formerly married 2 times and currently going through a really nasty custody battle and living with her parents in order to stay sober. So needless to say instead of feeling hurt that he had moved on I kind of had a giggle about it. Yea I know that’s mean to say, but in the spirit of things I’m such a better catch. Though also in that same spirit P is so much better than MR. FB would ever be. So instead of us continuing the false friendship that we had, Mr. FB and I had a nice little break from each other and when hearing I was coming back to LA decided to take me out on my first night back and get me drunk to help forget all my problems. Turns out when I finally let go of any idea of us being together what we were left with was an actual friendship! And in fact it was him that really calmed me down about Mr. P… his advice to me was that nothing had actually changed in Mr. P’s feelings for me. All he was was a little scared and that if I give him time and show him that I’m really am not going to pressure him into anything than he will come around. In fact FB was betting that I would be in an actual relationship with P before the month was out. And it seemed like he might be right. Sunday afternoon I got a text from P asking how my day surfing went. And we sent back a few texts for a bit… mine a littler drunker than his. I was still with FB. In fact we ended up spending 26 hours together before I finally went home. He invited me to stay another night, and after a great day drinking champagne on the beach I was exhausted enough to pass out in his bed for a second day in a row but decided that I needed to get back to reality and headed back up to my own place...

And I woke up Monday morning feeling a bit more cheerful and sent a text wishing P good luck on his trip… a few hours later when he reached Mt. Whitney I got a bunch of flirty text messages from him and was really starting to feel good about things. When we last left it, he had changed his tune from his first goodbye which was well I’m sure we will see each other around sometime in LA (um seeing that we share a best friend I would say yes we will) to his new tune of ok I will talk to you later… and was feeling great until yesterday morning happened. I was feeling a little guilty by the fact that we had been hiding our relationship from most of our friends, especially from one of his closest friends- who we can call the girl I will never live up to. Now I don’t feel at all threatened by her because I know her feelings on him. But I just kind of wanted to feel out what he might have eventually confessed so I went to leave her a message and see if she wanted to go on a hike with me this week…to only find out she was already on one. UP MOUNT WHITNEY. On what was sold to me as a “Guy Trip” with a couple buddies from the Marines. Now I know I never asked, oh so no girls? But when you ask someone who they are going on a trip with and they only talk about the guys going, why would you assume otherwise. Now mind you I don’t care that she’s there. Besides knowing her feelings on him, I also know that they are hiking for a couple days, with no showers, no bathrooms, no running water. So even if he was hiking with Geiselle he wouldn’t be looking to get laid. What I had a problem with is the fact that he lied to my face about who was going. We even had a running joke on how he would have to cuddly with his buddy Charlie because it was so cold… But in the long run it was me left out in the cold. Now I have no idea why he chose to lie by omission. But right now I don’t think I care to find out. No I’m not going to confront him…in fact I’m just tired. Tired of once again putting my trust into someone who obviously just doesn’t deserve it. Maybe he thought I already knew. Maybe he didn’t want it to upset me. Maybe he just didn’t care… who knows. But for once I think I maybe the one to just walk away. Sure it seems like he’s making the baby steps to make this work. But after this stumble, I think it will be me that is going to run away. Because I’m sick of being the one who always gets hurt in the end…and this time it’s much easier to just walk before that happens. Which is hard, because for once here is an amazing guy, who just can’t seem to leap…