My Good Body!

“When I was growing up in the 50’s, “good” was simply what girls were supposed to be. They had a blond Clairol wave in their hair. They wore girdles and waist cinchers and pumps. They got married. They looked married. They waited to be given permission. They kept their legs together, even during sex. In recent years, good girls join the army. They climb the corporate ladder. The go to the gym. They accessorize. They were pointy, painful shoes. They don’t eat too much. They don’t eat at all. They stay perfect. They stay thin.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Last night I decided to get all dolled up for a friend’s birthday. I donned a very sexy dress, playing off my newly tan and newly muscular legs (thank you unemployment and surfing). Complimented them all with a great pair of heels (Calvin Klein you really are good) and set out to have a fun evening of flirting… I spent the evening catching up with girlfriends I haven’t seen in awhile, meeting new people, having a few drinks bought for me buy guys, trying my hand at winning a 2 dollar lobster and all in all felt pretty good about myself. On my way out a guy started to basically cat call me. Now boys this is not a way to get a girls attention, and seeing as I was on my way out I ignored him… until I heard this: “Never mind, I wouldn’t want to sleep with you anyways. YOU’RE FAT.”. And at that point I just turned and stared.

Many of you have known me since I was in High School and College so most of you have seen my weight go up and down. Those that haven’t known me for that long usually are shocked when I tell them I use to be a size 16. When I left college I was a normal 14. I say normal because the bulk of the US is a size 14-16. Sure I had tried to lose weight in college but the allure of Salt Bagels from the corner deli, Grays Papaya’s 50 cent hot dogs and Cozy Soup and Burger Cheese Burgers were not a match for any diet… on my first film I ballooned to a 16 and then the inevitable happened, I moved to Los Angeles. Where I came across an entirely different species of women. To a world where you can never be too thin, too tan or to blonde. Over the past 9 years I have learned to love being outside (with killer tan to prove it). I surf every morning. I live for long yoga classes. I think a hike in the mountains is one of the most perfect things, especially at sunrise. And learned that kickboxing is the cure for all that ails. I’ve spent these years slowly losing all that weight I’ve accumulated. It’s been a struggle. I’ve tried every diet there is, I’ve gone vegan, vegetarian, all meat, no carb, no gluten, no sugar, no taste. I don’t even want to think about how many drugs I’ve tried to lose weight- Herbal, Over-the-counter, Prescribed, Legal, Illegal, and Mexican. I’ve spent way too many nights at the gym when I would have much preferred to be lying in front of my couch watching TV. Everything I’ve done over the years to turn myself into who I thought would be the “perfect” woman. And slowly I’ve gone down to an almost perfect (well perfect for me!) size 4. I wear an extra small now, where I use to have only extra larges. But no matter how much weight I’ve lost or gained, I’ve always thought if I were just thinner everything would be perfect. If I don’t get my Brazilian bikini wax every 2 ½ weeks I don’t feel sexy anymore. I’ve spent most of my paychecks on the most painful but absolutely gorgeous fuck-me heels. To think of all the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on expensive highlights (currently about to go Strawberry Blonde), and manicures, and thigh high fishnet stockings, and face cream to make me feel younger and make-up to hide all my imperfections. Sexy push up bras and g-strings that I wear most days (well at least the ones where I’m not in a bikini). It’s quite astonishing how much money, time and effort I have spent trying to look a certain way, a thinner way.

Recently I re-read Eve Ensler’s play “A Good Body”. It deals with her interviews with women all over the world. How every woman would like to change at least one thing about their body more than anything: “When a group of ethnically diverse, economically disadvantaged women in the United States was recently asked about the one thing they could change in their lives if they could, the majority of these women said they would lose weight. Maybe I identify with these women because I have bought into the idea that if my stomach were flat, then I would be good, I would be sage. I would be accepted, admired, important, loved. Maybe because most of my life I have felt wrong, dirty, guilty, and bad, and my stomach is the carrier, the pouch for all that self-hatred…”

Now this isn’t a rant on men or even society, ok maybe a little on the pot-bellied guy from last night but the truth of the matter is I buy into this as much (if not more) than the next person. I judged my old boss just because she is overweight. I love the body type that is straight and narrow. We all know I rarely date a guy with any body fat on him… I think Barbie is more of role model than the anti-Christ- come on guys she’s been a president, an astronaut, a business tycoon, a doctor. I see Scarlet O’Hara as the ultimate feminist- She ran her own business after the civil war!!! My minor in Woman studies never turned me into the radical femi-nazi… I love men- as you all know I love them all a little too much. I don’t think they are to blame for anything in my life. I also don’t blame my mother (too much) or the media or society. I blame myself. We need to learn to just accept and enjoy who we are. To stop trying to change into who we think we should be but to love who we have become. At 30 I still diet every day. But I’ve finally realized maybe a pair of flip flops is better than a pair of heels. That bikini’s are better than g-strings and push up bras. That a tan is better when you get it from being outside versus in a tanning bed- even if I do have odd tan lines. That exercise should be fun not because you are training your body to look a certain way. And to the guy in the bar last night. The one who at 1:50 am was obviously not going home with someone, who needed a few hours in the sun and a few months on the treadmill, who thought that by insulting a girl he would maybe have a chance of feeling better about his defected self, to this guy I just say Pffft. Because this “fat” girl is off to enjoy a day of drinking on the beach, a day surfing in perfectly warm waters, a day with friends who maybe aren’t all “perfect” but who are absolutely perfect to me! Oh and I hope his hangover leaves him in bed sweating during this heat storm….because my imperfect self is off to the beach :)

“Tell the image makers and the magazine sellers and the plastic surgeons that you are not afraid. That what you fear the most is the death of imagination and originality and metaphor and passion. Then be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP FIXING IT. IT WAS NEVER BROKEN.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler