Mr. Hermosa

While all this has been going on with Mr. P, over the last couple of months there has been another Mr. in the back of my mind. I haven’t mentioned him because there wasn’t been too much to tell. He started out as just the closest guy friend of two of my girl friends…but slowly over the summer we’ve become friends ourselves. There was a bit of a flirtation but nothing major. He came to my birthday to pub crawl with us (even though he had a race the next morning- he’s a serious triathlon competitor). I went and watched him compete in the 6-man volleyball tourney. And somehow we’ve ended up with this very random inside joke regarding “I’m on a boat” so over the last month a lot of text messages have been passed back and forth. Nothing overly flirty. Nowhere near dirty…but we’ve just continued to text, facebook message and see each other on a regular basis in our group of friends. Always just within the group and always with tons of alcohol. And slowly I’ve developed a bit of a crush on him, nothing major. But a little crush that I figured was just me and would never have acted on it… until Saturday night when I realized that I wasn’t the only one that was crushing! But let me take you back to Saturday…

It was the 1 year anniversary of friends of ours moving to Hermosa. Sarah and Kendal happen to live 2 houses in from the beach down there and happen to throw these huge beach parties…this one though was a more intimate party with only close friends. I was a bit excited, things had seemed to progress a bit and for some reason I was a bit nervous to see him. But after a few rounds of flip cup I was back to my normal self and enjoyed catching up with everyone and actually spending some one on one time with him. After hours of drinking on the beach everyone finally started to get ready to head to the bars, but him and I decided to head off a bit early just the two of us. As soon as we left the party I started to go back to being nervous, wondering if maybe I was imagining that he was interested in me… we got to the Poop Deck (yea I know HORRIBLE name for the bar) and after he bought us a pitcher of beer and found a corner for us to sit and chat I started to feel a bit better, still a bit nervous but this time because it was apparent that he was interested and I started to think wow this is going to happen… and after a few more pitchers, a few more bars, and everyone meeting up with us we decided to go get a late dinner, just the two of us. And so we went… down to our favorite pizza place and settled in for some pizza and some more time without the group… and I really enjoyed myself. We’ve never spent time alone, and never spent time when we were not passed out drunk. And in fact we both had sobered up quite a bit by the time we got food….and by the time we decided to take a midnight walk on the beach we both were really sober. But as soon as our feet hit the sand and his hand found his way into mine, all my nerves went away… it just felt kind of right. And sure I had a moment when he kissed me, when I thought I’m kissing one of my friends… We ended up spending close to 3 hours sitting up at the lifeguard station, not making out as you would expect but just cuddling up and talking. We talked about everything and I finally got a really good glimpse of him. And I have to say, I really liked what I saw! After the fog rolled in and the waves started to crash down we just sat there. Talked. Cuddled a bit. But spent a lot of time actually enjoying the silence.

After that we walked to his place (he has a house a couple blocks over from the beach) and we settled in for the night. Now I’m not going to say nothing happened, but I did stop us before we had sex… I kind of wanted to see where this is going. And I felt great about the fact that this wasn’t a drunken hook up. And I definitely don’t remember the last time that I hooked up with someone for the first time sober! It felt nice… and when woke up the next morning, he drove me back to my car and I left the beach with a smile…

I was originally worried, because as with Mr. Piranha, we know all the same people. But the main difference with Mr. H is that with him we really are good friends and we do hang out all the time in a very small group, a very small very gossipy close knit group. But whereas I tried to hide my relationship with Mr. P from our mutual friends, Mr. Hermosa totally succumbed after about 5 min of grilling and it’s out in the open now. But importantly everyone is very excited about it. They were pushing for it for awhile anyway. Plus two sets of them are already couples, and another set is very close t0 going that way. So really it wasn’t too abnormal for us to hook up. And in fact the group is hoping it’s more… They were really excited when they found out that Mr. H actually considered it a date! And it was pointed out to me that it’s nice because now I don’t have to stress about when I will hear from him or when I will see him again, because we all will be going out again tomorrow night! Though he didn’t give me any time to stress, about an hour after I left his place yesterday morning I got my first text message from him. And it felt normal to hear from him. And today I got more texts again… and it feels great. There really isn’t any stress this time. I’m gonna see him tomorrow. And we are already making plans to see each other without the group later this week! And for now I’m taking it pretty slow… especially since I know I still have feelings for Mr. Piranha. But after a weekend of being reminded that there really is someone who actually wants to be with me. Someone who wants to have sex with me. Someone who wants to tell all his friends about me. And someone who I want to tell all my friends about. It’s made me realize that maybe I don’t need to hang on to the past…

My Good Body!

“When I was growing up in the 50’s, “good” was simply what girls were supposed to be. They had a blond Clairol wave in their hair. They wore girdles and waist cinchers and pumps. They got married. They looked married. They waited to be given permission. They kept their legs together, even during sex. In recent years, good girls join the army. They climb the corporate ladder. The go to the gym. They accessorize. They were pointy, painful shoes. They don’t eat too much. They don’t eat at all. They stay perfect. They stay thin.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Last night I decided to get all dolled up for a friend’s birthday. I donned a very sexy dress, playing off my newly tan and newly muscular legs (thank you unemployment and surfing). Complimented them all with a great pair of heels (Calvin Klein you really are good) and set out to have a fun evening of flirting… I spent the evening catching up with girlfriends I haven’t seen in awhile, meeting new people, having a few drinks bought for me buy guys, trying my hand at winning a 2 dollar lobster and all in all felt pretty good about myself. On my way out a guy started to basically cat call me. Now boys this is not a way to get a girls attention, and seeing as I was on my way out I ignored him… until I heard this: “Never mind, I wouldn’t want to sleep with you anyways. YOU’RE FAT.”. And at that point I just turned and stared.

Many of you have known me since I was in High School and College so most of you have seen my weight go up and down. Those that haven’t known me for that long usually are shocked when I tell them I use to be a size 16. When I left college I was a normal 14. I say normal because the bulk of the US is a size 14-16. Sure I had tried to lose weight in college but the allure of Salt Bagels from the corner deli, Grays Papaya’s 50 cent hot dogs and Cozy Soup and Burger Cheese Burgers were not a match for any diet… on my first film I ballooned to a 16 and then the inevitable happened, I moved to Los Angeles. Where I came across an entirely different species of women. To a world where you can never be too thin, too tan or to blonde. Over the past 9 years I have learned to love being outside (with killer tan to prove it). I surf every morning. I live for long yoga classes. I think a hike in the mountains is one of the most perfect things, especially at sunrise. And learned that kickboxing is the cure for all that ails. I’ve spent these years slowly losing all that weight I’ve accumulated. It’s been a struggle. I’ve tried every diet there is, I’ve gone vegan, vegetarian, all meat, no carb, no gluten, no sugar, no taste. I don’t even want to think about how many drugs I’ve tried to lose weight- Herbal, Over-the-counter, Prescribed, Legal, Illegal, and Mexican. I’ve spent way too many nights at the gym when I would have much preferred to be lying in front of my couch watching TV. Everything I’ve done over the years to turn myself into who I thought would be the “perfect” woman. And slowly I’ve gone down to an almost perfect (well perfect for me!) size 4. I wear an extra small now, where I use to have only extra larges. But no matter how much weight I’ve lost or gained, I’ve always thought if I were just thinner everything would be perfect. If I don’t get my Brazilian bikini wax every 2 ½ weeks I don’t feel sexy anymore. I’ve spent most of my paychecks on the most painful but absolutely gorgeous fuck-me heels. To think of all the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on expensive highlights (currently about to go Strawberry Blonde), and manicures, and thigh high fishnet stockings, and face cream to make me feel younger and make-up to hide all my imperfections. Sexy push up bras and g-strings that I wear most days (well at least the ones where I’m not in a bikini). It’s quite astonishing how much money, time and effort I have spent trying to look a certain way, a thinner way.

Recently I re-read Eve Ensler’s play “A Good Body”. It deals with her interviews with women all over the world. How every woman would like to change at least one thing about their body more than anything: “When a group of ethnically diverse, economically disadvantaged women in the United States was recently asked about the one thing they could change in their lives if they could, the majority of these women said they would lose weight. Maybe I identify with these women because I have bought into the idea that if my stomach were flat, then I would be good, I would be sage. I would be accepted, admired, important, loved. Maybe because most of my life I have felt wrong, dirty, guilty, and bad, and my stomach is the carrier, the pouch for all that self-hatred…”

Now this isn’t a rant on men or even society, ok maybe a little on the pot-bellied guy from last night but the truth of the matter is I buy into this as much (if not more) than the next person. I judged my old boss just because she is overweight. I love the body type that is straight and narrow. We all know I rarely date a guy with any body fat on him… I think Barbie is more of role model than the anti-Christ- come on guys she’s been a president, an astronaut, a business tycoon, a doctor. I see Scarlet O’Hara as the ultimate feminist- She ran her own business after the civil war!!! My minor in Woman studies never turned me into the radical femi-nazi… I love men- as you all know I love them all a little too much. I don’t think they are to blame for anything in my life. I also don’t blame my mother (too much) or the media or society. I blame myself. We need to learn to just accept and enjoy who we are. To stop trying to change into who we think we should be but to love who we have become. At 30 I still diet every day. But I’ve finally realized maybe a pair of flip flops is better than a pair of heels. That bikini’s are better than g-strings and push up bras. That a tan is better when you get it from being outside versus in a tanning bed- even if I do have odd tan lines. That exercise should be fun not because you are training your body to look a certain way. And to the guy in the bar last night. The one who at 1:50 am was obviously not going home with someone, who needed a few hours in the sun and a few months on the treadmill, who thought that by insulting a girl he would maybe have a chance of feeling better about his defected self, to this guy I just say Pffft. Because this “fat” girl is off to enjoy a day of drinking on the beach, a day surfing in perfectly warm waters, a day with friends who maybe aren’t all “perfect” but who are absolutely perfect to me! Oh and I hope his hangover leaves him in bed sweating during this heat storm….because my imperfect self is off to the beach :)

“Tell the image makers and the magazine sellers and the plastic surgeons that you are not afraid. That what you fear the most is the death of imagination and originality and metaphor and passion. Then be bold and LOVE YOUR BODY. STOP FIXING IT. IT WAS NEVER BROKEN.”
The Good Body- Eve Ensler

Itty Bitty Blue and White Bikini

Over the years I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment many times… have become friends with my neighbors and the fireman across the street, you may even remember a certain incident involving me and just a bikini. So it goes without saying I now have a spare key. I would say hidden, but everyone knows where it is. My friends often use it to get in when I’m not here, usually to drop things off or just to wait for my perpetually late self. I also have a trick way of getting into my place for those times when the key is not in its place (for example when Mr. P forgot to put it back after letting himself in last weekend). But I can without a doubt say I will never be locked out again… or so I thought!

After a great weekend with P I was torn about this week and his work schedule, he’s been working crazy hours and they’ve been filming up in Burbank so I prepared myself to go the week without seeing him. Really settled myself to not seeing him until late next week. Our weekend schedules never really mesh, I book myself like crazy on Saturdays and Sundays are his improve and writing day. So for the most part we just see each other during the week, and seeing as I’m most likely going to be in San Diego the first part of next week (going for Mr. Green’s roommates birthday- now that’s an entirely different blog!) I figured a week and a half without P will hopefully let me sort out what I’m feeling, and maybe make him miss me a little bit. And it’s sort of worked… I do get my nightly text from him usually telling me he can’t surf and how busy he is working, which although it’s not love letters it is SOMETHING. Though this morning he tried to make it down and way overslept his alarm until I woke him up, too late to surf…but at least he TRIES… right?

Anyways back to the real story. Since he’s been working I’ve been able to sleep in a few hours later in the mornings and have been going surfing at 10am instead of 7 or 8… and although I much prefer the early mornings because there are less surfers and we aren’t blackballed yet, it’s been nice to surf with one of my girlfriends again every day. Sure there isn’t the same giggling as with P and I, but I still have fun. And the waves have been a great size (4 foot and overhead). And yesterday walking back to her place from the beach (she lives 1 block over from where we surf) I was starting to feel all right with the world. Sure I’ve have some downs lately. And sure I’m not only nowhere near where I thought I’d be, I’m nowhere near where anyone my age SHOULD be… but I’ve been making the most of it. And there I stood, washing the sand off my legs and peeling myself out of my wetsuit (the water is still a bit chilly even in the late mornings) and thought ok I’m going to be all right… and then we realized the power was out in the neighborhood. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, except for one simple thing… we get in through her garage! And there I was, for the second time in my life locked out wearing only my bikini! Luckily her husband works only a few blocks away so we were able to go over and get a spare set of keys from him … and luckily this time I didn’t have to embarrass myself in front of my fireman (only the security guard for his office building).But seriously how does someone get locked out in only a bikini… TWICE!!!!

So maybe all is not well with the world after all… and someone somewhere is getting a big laugh out of watching me go through these random high and on fire hoops… but I keep doing them. Just hoping that the treat at the end of them is worth all these bruises and burns!

My first 30 days...

So I’m just a couple days over my first 30 days into my 30’s… when I was little I thought the world would be my oyster at 30. I thought I would meet my husband at 28, be married at 29 and have my first kid (hoping for twins!) at 30 where I would have already made my first million. Instead 30 days into “My Decade” I found myself still unemployed, instead of having a million dollars I found myself in unemployment limbo watching my savings slowly deplete to where I am today- having a whopping 7 dollars to my name, no savings, no nest egg, no credit card limit left, just plain 7 dollars. Instead of those twins and loving husband I have found myself still in love with someone who only see’s me as a buddy, constantly having sex with the wrong men (though that may be the highlight of the month!), have a stable of ex’s who have surprised me this past month and although are not that Mr. Right , what they are are fiercely protective and loyal and have really rallied me these last few weeks. There has been so much yet nothing really new to write about so I haven’t… maybe because I don’t even want to admit to myself what my life really has lead to, but here goes. Here are the 30 high/low-lights of my first 30 days…

1) I finally got to check something else off my list- Sex on a jet ski with Mr. Ex. Have to say it was actually pretty thrilling! There’s a trick to it, so after a few “false starts” we finally figured it out and managed to have sex throughout the lake.

2) After sex on the Jet Ski I found out I was severely allergic to the moss inside Pyramid Lake…found myself stuck in bed for almost 2 days after sneezing every 5 minutes for over 24 hours!

3) Found my cell phone was turned off… after borrowing some from a few friends still found me 65 dollars short… and after a nice crying jab on Mr. FB’s shoulder- something I am doing way too often lately, he paid it off for me. Not something that I wanted, nor something that anyone really knows, but something he did because he too out of work understands the need for a phone. I also think he got annoyed with not being able to get a hold of me for two days.

4) Managed to actually become a real surfer. I’ve been surfing for 6 years now. And leading up to breaking my nose a couple years ago was really getting go at. But was something I’ve backed away from since. When left with not much to do this summer but surf I have tried to surf almost every day… and the result is something that I really am proud of. Finally able to really surf!

5) Really surfing has lead me to find my other talent in life- teaching others to surf. Turns out I have a knack for it. It’s really just from spending the last couple of years backing off the real waves and just watching the waves and the surfers. I’ve managed to learn the waves. Learn how to ride them. Lean the tides… so it’s really easy for me to tell someone what they are doing wrong in order to get them up on the waves… hopefully that talent will start to make money soon!

6) Was able to see my idol surf for the first time since I was little, and not only did I get to see Kelly Slater surf, I got to see him surf the most perfect waves ever- perfect 10 all around scores and during one of the biggest swells in decades.

7) Also got to surf the biggest swell in decades. Was shockingly afraid every moment out there… spent almost two hours with Mr. Piranha scaling those bad boys. In the end you have to just feel every part of the wave. One second of lost concentration and you are off the wave and in dangerous territory with the current and incoming waves. It was exhilarating, sexy, petrifying and amazing at the sometime. Both of us completely attuned to each other just surfed. Both fully aware of what the other was doing. Both always keeping one eye on the other. And both just surfing in sync for one afternoon.

8) Which leads to the update on Mr. Piranha- in the last couple of weeks we have managed to surf more mornings than not. Slowly he has moved everything back into my place that I made him take home. We have a pattern. He has a towel hanging in my bedroom. He’s turned into that amazing guy that I wake up in the morning looking forward to seeing. That I go to sleep at night a little happier when I get those text messages that say “Night Hardt”… And last week knowing the extent of my finances took me for coffee (sounds simply but after not having it for 2 weeks I was in heaven) and filled my gas tank up… slowly in the last couple of weeks I have let him back into my heart… sadly he’s let me into his, but as a friend. I see him more than most his friends or roommates do…yet I will always be seen as just be a buddy. Something that slowly I’m coming to find out is even harder than not seeing him at all.

9) In my attempt to prove to myself that I am over Mr. P I have spent lots of time with Mr. Wyoming… who slowly in the last year has become a different man. We have an amazing time together; he even has let me teach him how to surf. We’ve had some good sex, some good laughs… and at one point he pushed for something more. But that’s something I can’t give him right now. So I’ve backed off a bit. Until my heart is free I’m definitely not going to allow myself to get caught up in something that I know deep down I really don’t want, no matter how nice it would feel to do just give into it…

10) I’ve become analy clean! In fact was sad this weekend when I wanted to clean and everything is so spotless the only thing I could do was to make my bed…until I discovered the extent of my microwave filth!

11) But in making my place clean have also made my apartment finally my own. And I love it. I even fixed up my balcony and have been reading and writing on it every day. Along with a glass of wine of course!

12) I’ve discovered a new obsession- Zac Brown Band. Love them! Run out and buy their latest album on I-Tunes, I promise you it’s worth it! Think Jimmy Buffet meets Kenny Chesney with a bit of Jack Johnson thrown in. Toes is basically my life…and sadly Chicken Fried reminds me so much of Mr. P it almost hurts some days to listen to the song. One that now as soon as we get into my car to surf he searches my cd’s until he finds it-knowing that it’s always somewhere in my car…

13) I went surfing up by Santa Barbara. It was great to try out some new waves- but at the same time it was so freaking cold! And I thought I needed a full wetsuit here lately!

14) While there I was camping with good friends. Had a blast! Just what I needed… a few days out of the city and out of my head. Plus smores! Has me pumped up for another camping trip in a month!

15) Swam with dolphins! I kid you not, I have been swimming or surfing with dolphins most days this month. So much that during shark week I felt something tugging at my leash while out surfing, I leaned over to take it off, thinking it was seaweed and found that there was a little fin attached to the marine creature that was playing with it! Panicked thinking it was a shark! As soon as my heart went back to a normal beat I realized it was a dolphin. It played with my leash and board for a bit before it swam off to surf the waves.

16) Also managed to kayak with seals…

17) Find a live sand dollar…

18) Had a sting ray slide over my foot, rest for a bit and then swim off…

19) Caught a fish with my bare hands at the lake and then released it…

20) Had a school of baby jellyfish swim right thru me…

21) And caught a sand crab!

22) Taught the cutest little 2 year old to ride a boogie board (Pheobe’s first surf lesson!)

23) Went Skinny Dipping with Mr. Ex… and forgot how much I loved it!

24) As for the Mr. Ex’s updates… I know a good chunk of my friends are still convinced that we are going to get married. I’ve been having an amazing time with him these last couple of weeks. But that’s because we both want the same things. Just a nice simply, NSA affair. We jet ski, hang at the lake, drink together, send really filthy texts, have fun sex, good laughs and enjoy each other’s company. We’ve been on and off for 7 years and he’s really one of my closest friends. Someone who I really do tell everything to and who is always there for me no questions asked. Our relationship works perfectly the way it is… and I have no interest in ever changing that.

25) Once again managed to screw my knew up…

26) Cut the back of my heels to bloody stumps by surfing and hiking…

27) Bruised most of my body with my board…

28) And killed yet another ankle.

29) Spent a lot of time crying… tried to think of it as cathartic- not depressing. But in reality had some days where I seriously just couldn’t get out of bed… and more often than not I have managed to drag myself out of bed for an early surf only to crawl back into bed when I get done and nap and sleep off and on for the rest of the day…would think I had mono if I didn’t have it in college. Just some days can’t manage to do anything…

30) But basically just spent the last month trying to find myself, trying to figure out what I want, tried to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life, tried to find a career, a man (even tried speed dating), had a lot of sex, had a lot of laughs, spent way too many nights up with friends, too many evenings out, way too much time on the beach, tanned myself way too much, took naps in the day (every day!), broke the motor on my vibrator, went through an entire box of condoms, learned to creatively cook using only what’s in my cabinets and just spent the last 30 days trying to get by as best as I could. It hasn’t all been good. In fact it’s been more bad than good. But in the end you have to try and make the most of it. I haven’t spent too much time at home feeling sorry for myself. In the end I’ve gone out and tried to make my place in the world. Just haven’t been a success at it so far…