Monday, August 25, 2008

The grass isn’t always greener

Yesterday while bartending a couple came in, they were roughly my age (late 20’s/early 30’s). At first I thought they were on a first date or at least the early stages of dating because he seemed to be annoyed with everything that she did and she just seemed to be trying too hard. But midway through their visit, and a couple of glasses of wine later I noticed the both had wedding rings on. But every time she went to touch him he sort of back off. It was then that I realized that something was up. Her voice started to get a little louder and she started to kind of knock down everything he was saying… then all of a sudden she got really loud (and the bar emptied so it got really quiet) and I was able to listen to everything that they were saying. And I started to get really into the fight, taking sides based on which argument seemed more logical. He got a point for telling her he just wasn’t ready to take his mcats and that it’s his decision not hers, she got a point when she started to point out all the flaws from the beginning of when they started dating years ago started with the first time she went to visit him his apartment was a mess and she couldn’t believe he didn’t even clean up for her (Really is a made bed too much to ask from someone you are dating!)… but then he started to look better when she just went shrewish and told him what a lousy husband he was and started sobbing. At this point he went really quiet so I couldn’t hear his responses anymore, and the quieter he got the louder she got. In the end I missed what was the breaking point but she started to kind of hit him, not punching but just hitting his arm. To which I started to get worried that I was going to have to break up an actual fight, I so wasn’t trained in this situation! When all of a sudden she slapped him and then proceeded to throw her drink in his face and storm out of the bar after yelling “Well fuck you” at the top of her lungs leaving me in a state of misbelief.

After they left I kind of sat there in a state of shock… sadly my first instinct was why bother dating when it always ends just that way. And although I’ve never had a fight in public, never thrown a drink in someone’s face, never stormed out of a bar the end is always the same. Tears, yelling, names slung around and arguments brought up from the first week you meet. And although some will say that if it’s right then it won’t end this way… but really I’m just sick of all the wrongs that do! And after finding the “money shot” of an ex this week (which promptly made me actually throw up because I was so disgusted) I think I’m going to keep the single status for a bit longer because sometimes the end isn’t worth the middle!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Number 6... Check

When I wrote down my Bucket List of things to do before I turn thirty I did it sort of just as a lark (if you haven’t read it check it out and you will see how impossible the list is http://hardtinthecity.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-list-30-things-to-do-before-i-turn.html) … feeling a little blue about entering my final year of my 20’s I wrote down everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I also knew that I would not beable to finish half of it in one lifetime let alone in a year, and in fact figured I would just forget about it until I did turn 30 and then would look back and realized I hadn’t done much this year. What I didn’t consider is that possible this would start a journey that would bring adventure to me and my friends… but it seems that that might be what has come of this list now that everyone is getting into the spirit of it. In the last month I have managed to check off 3 things (two small and one last night that was my greatest fear!).

While in San Diego I checked off the first one without even realizing it, number 12- Spend an entire day naked in bed (thanks to a very lazy Mr. Green and a very hangover Miss Hardt we spent the day basically just naked in bed… it consisted of waking up naked, dressed for brunch with the family, back naked in bed watching the Olympics, dressed and out of the house to see a movie, and then, shock of all shocks, back in bed naked watching the Olympics). Then this week while celebrating a friends birthday at the beach we decided to check off part of number 27 (Build a perfect sand castle, ok it wasn’t perfect- Jr. Mr. A kept sitting on it but it was perfect to me!). And last night I decided to do the one thing in my life that scares me more than anything else- Singing in public. So I grabbed my girls (and Brian of course!) and we found the divest dive bar in Burbank for a little Karaoke action. And after a lot of drinks, practically pee’ing myself with laughter and fear and a few warm up songs with my favorite girl band, I was able to get on stage and belt out Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. Ok maybe I’m not American Ideal worthy, but I was able to get up there and not make a complete fool of myself. And I have to tell you the rush felt amazing! And although I don’t think I will ever have the nerve to do it again, at least I can say I did it once… and sitting there I felt complete. I was sitting with all three aspects of my adult life: Lisa and Brian representing the young adult in her early 20’s going to NYU full of optimism and hope, Nicki representing my mid 20’s when I worked at Universal and AU and was just trying to find who I was and then Alissa representing my late 20’s starting to work in the studio and really just making a life for myself out here in Los Angeles. And I guess you can say that maybe even a fourth representative was there with us via good luck and moral boosting text messages- the guy that is hoping to be part of my future life.

All in all I had an amazing evening… it felt good to really just cut loose and geek it out. Living in LA long enough you get use to being in the right club, wearing the right clothes and being with the right people. And it felt good to just throw all of that to the wind, and be with the perfect people. My friends who weren’t afraid to listen to me sing (and helped me warm up on the way), cheered me on so I wouldn’t make too much of an ass of myself, danced to way too many cheesy songs while belting out what words we thought we knew, got on stage and helped me warm up and just made me smile all night through. And I can’t remember that last time that happened! Thanks guys, you rock! Let’s just hope the pie I’m baking on Tuesday can live up to your very high standards!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Hardt sadly pimped out again

Not only do I know the dance we singles do at a bar, I would like to say I have perfected it. You walk in (the best bet to pick up men is if you only have one or two other girls with you), order a drink and simply wait with a smile. Before long someone will approach, you chat for a bit, smile a little bit more and before long a drink will be bought for you or if you are feeling feisty you will buy that first round of drinks. After a few more drinks you can either decide to go home with your new friend or if you want a little more than just a one night fling the digits will be exchanged.

The single part of life I know very well… but what I don’t know is the married part. Last night I went out with two of my happily married friends (with their two young sons in tow). What I expected was a lot of wine (and oh we did not disappoint), a few laughs, a few tears (from the two boys of course!) and basically just a nice Italian dinner. Instead what I go was two of my happily married friends trying to once again settle me down. And last night they decided that the waiter was the one who I should settle with. The main criteria for this would be the fact that he was tall, cute (but so not my type!) and seemed to really like kids. Of course I protested… Not my type and seeing as I’m a bartender right now I do not want to be dating a waiter- we would really be one poor couple! But after a few bottles of wine my friends started to silence my protests, but he’s nice, lives in Los Angeles and is the type that I should be dating (IE not a player that will end up dicking me around, disappearing on me or just plain breaking my heart). So at the end of the night they slipped my phone number to Mr. C&O on their credit card slip… I’m just hoping that they were too drunk to get the number right, because as nice as it would be to finally be dating someone they approved of, I think I’m going to have to just go out and find that one on my own. Because not only is that half the fun but I'm still holding out hope on a certain someone...
UPDATE: Turns out I underestimated my own appeal because of course Mr. C&O called tonight for a date...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Let's talk about sex

Last night while reading my monthly selection of magazines, I realized I’d outgrown Cosmo and the other “sex” magazines… Most of the sex tips are redundant, I can pretty much say- been there done that, or they are useless- Should you give him an ultimatum (seriously?!) or just plain stupid- What’s the best song to striptease to (once again, SERIOUSLY?!). So I’ve decided to post a weekly Sexual Q and A with Cosmo, Hardt, and our new weekly guest Blogger Dr. Smolder.

Our Qualifications to give you, my readers, sex and relationship advice:
Cosmopolitan Magazine: 1st launched in 1886 as a family magazine, Cosmo now is the top selling woman’s magazine, with 58 international additions, printed in 34 languages, in over 100 countries.
Dr. Smolder: The Relationship Expert. Our new weekly guest Blogger. In her late 20’s, has been married for more years than I’ve been in relationships, has a son, a full time job and still manages to find time for “quality” time with her husband.
Miss Hardt: Me. As you know I’m 29, single but have had more relationships (and relations) than are really necessary, and have tried pretty much all the positions in Cosmo so really I am the sex expert of the 3 of “us”.

So here is the first of our Q and A’s… feel free to comment with your own relationship and sex questions, we will answer them next week with Cosmo and our advice.

- Are condoms effective underwater?
Cosmo says: They are not tested underwater, so there’s no assurance they’ll hold up.
Hardt says: If your condom DOES NOT hold up underwater, I think you should be using a different condom! But go for a small test run first- The shower is one of the best places to have sex… up against the shower wall is the easiest position, especially since there usually is a little Slip N Slide action going on. If the shower works than feel free to take it outside- pool, hot tub, ocean, jet ski, surf board… go enjoy a little summer fun!

- What’s the most common male fantasy?
Cosmo says: Threesome with two women.
Hardt says: HAVE YOU MET ANY MEN, because every guy’s top fantasy is a threesome. But why are you asking Cosmo? If you want to know what your boyfriend/husband is fantasizing about than you should be able to ask him. If you can’t ask him that then maybe you should not be having sex. But remember just because it's his fantasy doesn't mean you have to indulge him in it!
Dr. Smolder says: I agree that’s the most common fantasy, however I think that not all guys have premeditated fantasies. One of the thrills of having a longtime partner is creating fantasies for him. For example, use your surroundings and your imagination, become a real live porn star by taking advantage of a long elevator ride or give a spontaneous hand job under an airline blanket during a boring flight. Not every guy wants to be in the mile high club, he just wants to be “attended to” during the ride.

- He almost too big. What positions are good for him to ease his way into me without hurting me?
Cosmo says: Anything where you can control the speed and depth, such as girl on top.
Hardt says: Yes boys as shocking as it seem there is such thing as Too Big. But let me tell you from experience you still can have fun with Mr. Too Big. And come one ladies, we’ve all been with the Mr. Too Small so just reverse the positions that you used with those guys and you are all set! But once again, why are you asking Cosmo? The best way to find out is to just keep trying it, if you are too shy to tell him that it’s painful than maybe once again you shouldn’t be having sex! Sex is about mixing it up, if it’s too painful one way spin yourself around and try another.
Dr. Smolder says: Mr. Too big taught me about the joys of being on top. Not only can you control the ebb and flow but you get a whole body workout at the same time.

- I’m dating a bad kisser, does that mean he’s bad in bed?
Cosmo says: Maybe
Hardt says: YES… but really if he’s a bad kisser why even bother going through the motions of sleeping with him! Kick him out of the bedroom and find someone who you are more tongue compatible with!
Dr. Smolder says: You can teach a bad kisser how to be a better kisser, it’s all about communication and modeling.

- What’s the sexiest way to put on a condom?
Cosmo says: With your mouth.
Hardt says: Hmmmm I want to try that one… let me get back to you once I get the hang of that! But the thing to remember, especially if you are single- the condom is key. It doesn't matter if it goes on sexy as long as it goes on! Hardt's rule number 1.
Dr. Smolder says: There is no sexy way to put on a condom. Get on the pill and find yourself a long term partner.

- I want to have sex in a public place- but not too public, any ideas?
Cosmo says: The bathroom of an uncrowded bar, a car on the side of a quiet road, secluded beach at night…
Hardt says: Probably best not to plan which public space to have sex in, but when you find yourself in the moment just go for it. Though personally I can recommend the beach option (Just had a very memorable trip to San Diego in which the Cliffs of La Jolla came into play). On the other hand I would not recommend a national park because let me tell you those rangers are not too happy when they find you, trust me on this one the last thing you want to see in the middle of sex is a ranger standing over you!
Dr. Smolder says: Cars are always a good choice as a transitional place. As well as a darken theater, but it helps if you know the people that work there.

- Naughtiest Sex Position:
Cosmo Says: Up against a wall
Dr. Smolder says: Doggie style is the naughtiest because it gives you the feeling of being a porn star.
Hardt says: Up against the wall is nice, but I added an extra element to it recently that I enjoyed- facing full length mirror. You can have the experience of being that porn start without having to actually video tape yourself! But really you can bring elements of being naughty into any sexual position. Tired of plain old missionary, have your boyfriend tie you to the bed. Doggie Style getting a little boring, grab your vibrator and use it while he's inside you. Sick of your usual positions in the bedroom- move them into the living room, try the couch, table, kitchen counter whatever you have available. Just a little mixing up can change your tired old routine immensely.

- How to go from Booty Call to boyfriend:
Cosmo says: After a few months of hooking up, I started to fall for my friends with benefits, even though we discussed not getting serious. Once, when I was feeling down about the situation, I mentioned how sad it made me that guys seemed afraid to commit. I said I was worried that no matter how smart or funny I could be, I’d never find a guy who would be ready to make me his girlfriend. Right then, he looked at me, and something must have clicked. He told me he wasn’t sure why it had taken him so long to figure it out, but I was the girl for him. We’ve been together ever since.
Dr. Smolder says: PLEASE, that only happens in the movies. If you really want a boyfriend you have to respect each other from the get go. But if you start out as a booty call you have to respect the sanctity of a booty call as well.
Hardt says: If he only wants you as a Booty call there is no way to transition to a boyfriend, especially if he's already told you he doesn't want to get serious. But the better question is why are you ok staying with someone who obviously doesn’t really want to be with you! From my experience nothing good ever comes from trying to change your relations. Either he will decide to stay as just a booty call- and in that case you end up getting hurt. Or you then force him into a relationship that he didn’t want in the first place. In the end you will only end up hurting yourself, because he will eventually leave. But really do you want to be with someone who is only half ass with you? My advice is that if you are ok with just being his booty call than stay in it, but if you want more go out and find yourself someone who wants all of you, not just you at 3am or not just you when he’s horny and lonely!

Till next time Cosmo, Hardt, and Smolder wish you a happy and safe sexual journey... the most important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to be fun! ENJOY

Sunday, August 17, 2008

For one moment in time.

It’s funny how we take millions of pictures but forget the moments in which they were taken. Sure we can remember the place or the people in them. But we forget how we felt… But then sometimes when we least expect it those forgotten memories sneak up on us. I can’t explain why, but over the last few days I’ve had those millions of memories come flooding back to me. Part of it was watching a movie in which one of the main characters was a freshman at NYU. As I watched her sit on the steps of Weinstein, pass the arch in Washington Square Park, eat ice cream at Serendipity it made me very nostalgic for New York, for being in college and for the Hardt that I was in college.I started remembering the dinner parties we use to threw at Steph and Jims (plus the real reason that the screen door broke!). Packing up all my stuff with Lisa and Brian before I moved to Los Angeles, just 3 days before September 11th. The way the city looked at 2am when you would leave the bar and it was all of a sudden transformed under a blanket of white after the first snow. The come with your heart on party at Turnip Theatre every Valentines Day. Those summers wondering through central park with nothing to do but enjoy life. Reading on a rainy days in the indoor garden at the Met. All those horrible Playwrights 3rd year shows and spending Sundays at Tech Rehearsals with Krispy Cream donuts (odd memories I know!). Freshman year when Jonathan was next door (well that hasn’t changed!) and Anne was just down the street. When the hardest thing in my life was getting up in the morning for 8am warm up class (which I attended in my pajamas more than once!). All those Saturdays my Dad would come out just for the day to see one of my shows and we would wonder around the city just the two of us. Taking that horrible trolley home to Water Street every day and the walk up to school through China Town and Little Italy. Drinks at the World Trade Center the weekend of The Niger Trial (it was a play, I’m not a racist!). My graduation lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park where I thought my father was the coolest guy ever because he palmed the hostess to get us a table. Watching Rent with my Mother (I might not be able to remember all the Broadway shows I’ve seen but I will always remember my first!). Running through Battery Park on the weekends when there was no one around. Walking through a blizzard to work in a snow suit (everyone laughed but hey at least I was warm!). That feeling that I could do anything I wanted, be anyone, go anywhere. A time before heartbreak, when I was sure that a prince charming was just around the corner and I couldn’t wait to finally lose my virginity. When a cheese burger and cheese fries at Cozy Soup and Burger could cure everything. And a boat ride to Staten Island would clear my head. Those 2am trips to Coney Island just to see the ocean (even though it was in the middle of winter and snowing out!). Being ok with who I was, where I was going… when I thought I’d never leave New York. Still thought I’d make my first million before I was 30, meet the man of my dreams at 28, get engaged at 29, and then married at 30. When I thought I’d have a bakers dozen of kids running around the city… I know that these memories will always be with me, I have tokens and pictures to remind me, plus friends to reminisce with… if only I could have kept with me that feeling of being invincible, because over the years I’ve lost that naïve NYU Student… instead I’m harden, and realistic, prone to the melodramatic, obsessive, a little insecure… but just for one day I’d like to go back in time and just breath in who I use to be.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Losing my mind... or have I already lost it?

So I think the stress of my life has finally gotten to me… I’ve finally gone mental. Maybe it’s early onset altzemiers, or an early mid-life crisis or life has just gotten the better of my, but lately I feel that I’m losing it. Case in point this evening… I came home exhausted from a day of bartending and thought I’d cook myself a nice dinner- teriyaki chicken with rice and steamed veggies. Sounds simple enough, right? Well obviously you haven’t met me.

Step One: Pre-heat the oven
Now this one seems like the easy step, all you have to do is turn the knob to 350 and wait… except that I was in the middle of doing something else, opened the oven door to take out the trays that were in there (I learned my lesson from Lisa and Brian with the time they set the Papoulis kitchen on fire) and left to take my shower… the part of the process that I forgot was to CLOSE THE OVEN DOOR! Yes it seems that I must be trying to kill myself… luckily I caught this as soon as I got out of the shower, put the chicken in it, and closed the door.

Step Two: Check on the chicken.
So I pulled out the chicken (which happens to be in a glass dish) and placed it on the stove, flipped it over, added some spices and then grabbed the dish to put it in the oven. Once again I must be trying to kill, or at least really hurt myself because I didn’t put an oven mitt on! No I haven’t been drinking, haven’t been on any drugs, don’t have a concussion and despite how it seems do cook a lot… so really we will just call me plain old stupid on this one.

Step Three: Start the rice and the veggies.
I put all my ingredients into the rice cooker, put the veggies on the steamer that goes on top and sat down to read a book. 10 minutes later I went to stir everything and thought wow this doesn’t seem to be cooking very fast. Guess it would help if I actually plugged in the rice cooker!

Needless to say right now it seems that I would forget my own head if it wasn’t screwed on… so crossing my fingers that nothing else goes wrong with my dinner. But hey, at least I’m on a first name basis with all the firemen from the station across the street, just in case!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Is this my life?

Today I got to thinking about my life. What’s in it. What does it mean. Who I am. What I am… And where am I going to end up when this crazy rollercoaster that has been my life finally stops.

Filling out my passport paperwork I realized I don’t have a box - single, married, divorced… is there an undecided? A couple of months ago it was in a relationship and happy, but that feels more like a lifetime ago… now my box should be “dating” but in reality I’m really horrible at that. When the dating genes were given out, I sure was skipped! The only way I can describe myself is dating-retarded! I’m good at relationships but dating just leaves me baffled. I go on dates- some successful some not. I don’t seem to have trouble meeting men, it’s just meeting men that I actually want to be with that seems to be a little bit harder! I’ve been dating Mr. Green for about a month now but due to his schedule I won’t be seeing him in Los Angeles for at least another month if not more, so really we should say we are in limbo or on hold. Though from my experience when you are separated from someone for longer than you were together that usually means you are over. The true test will be to see if he actually invites me down to San Diego in that time... I have Mr. X who sends emails/texts/im’s/pictures from India and Thailand but really I don’t want more than just to be friends this time around. I will always love him, am looking forward to seeing him when he gets back in a couple weeks because really he’s been great this year- the perfect distraction that I needed to get back on my feet… but at the same time I realized he’s a great distraction, but right now I’m looking for something a little bit more. But for every moment where I’m unhappy being single I have another moment where I’m so happy I’m not in a relationship. I can go down to San Diego at a moments notice to visit friends, I can hop off to Jamaica without having to worry about checking in with anyone, I can have girls night where I go out and get my flirt on (plus multiple free drinks), I can spend my Sunday laying in bed doing nothing or I can get up and surf and hike and do yoga and not have to worry about what anyone else wants to do.

As for my age- I’m not quite 30 but at the same time I don’t feel like I’m in my 20’s anymore. I still have those impulses to go and get crazy and have wild nights… and lately it’s ended up like it did last weekend- in bed asleep by midnight! I have “jobs” but right now I can’t say I have a career (Occupation- Bartender? Swim Instructor? Surf Instructor? Babysitter? Yard Sale Specialist? Entertainment Assistant?). I was recently reminded of just how athletic I am… but at the same time I feel like I’ve never been lazier. I know I have packed on a few pounds lately… mostly because I’m, dare I say it, happy. Being in my post-relationship depression it was easy to eat crazy healthy and work out all the time… but lately I’ve found that ice cream calling to me and when the gym time rolls around a nice nap seems just as nice!

Really right now the only thing I do know is that I’ve somehow gotten off track… and I really don’t know how to get back on it. So I’ve decided to take the next 30 days and just really figure out what is going on in my life. I’ve also decided I really need to shake things up a bit, and more than just by trying a different class at the gym! And I don’t know if that means I need to give up alcohol, meat, men (GASP!), sex… But it definitely means I need to take some time by myself, without the outside voices interjecting on my life…. Because right now there sure are a lot! It seems everyone has an opinion on how I’m living my life, how I could do better, what I need to stop doing, what I need to not be thinking about… lately it’s become too much. Too much criticism. Too much advice. And really just too little Hardt. So check back in a month and see how much can change… I’ll just be getting back into the United States… I’ll hopefully have a nice tan and a flat stomach. Maybe a nice boy to come home to (and if not than I think I can be ok with that too). Hopefully a perfect job that lets my bank account get back into the positive numbers…. And hopefully a perfect ME.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I love you Hardt!

A friend has been out of town the last couple of days so I have basically been surrogate Mother to her 3 year old daughter Natalia. It’s been fairly easy, especially since the nanny has been here to feed her, help her to bed at night, get her ready for school… But my hardest task every morning has been the school drop off. Each morning when we leave the house she’s ready for a fun day at school, she jabbers the entire way there giving me a running commentary on the world outside and tells me a million times “I love you Hardt”, and as soon as we get there she jumps out of the car grabs my hand and leads me inside. But it’s inside that an abrupt change happens. Gone is the smiling happy girl, and instead she is replaced by the very shy sad one who clings to me as if I was the last lifeboat on the Titanic. I find it all amusing, seeing that she spends most of her day (5 days a week) with her teachers and only sees me when I come over for swim lessons or pick up Alissa to go out for the evening. But nonetheless, she clings to my leg, sits on my lap, gives me numerous hugs and kisses before I leave and in a soft tearful voice says “I love you Hardt”… now she’s been known to tell the car I love you, and would probably cling to the dog if it came with us to school but still it’s nice to have someone really need you, even if it’s only for 10 minutes every morning. But with that said, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get back into my car, open the sun roof and blast the radio on my way home. Because as nice as it is to have someone tell you that they love you over and over again, it’s equally as nice to just have some quiet. And as much as I would like a family and my white picket fence, I realize that I don’t want that for a couple of years (at least 5!)… And that moment of clarity makes being single just a little bit sweeter!

Fake it till you make it!

Sometimes life’s Annoyances just really seem to get me down… And after two days of being aggravated (though the Vodka last night did help alleviate a bit of it!) I’m ready to just breathe and re-boot. Here are the top 3 things that have sent me off the edge in the last couple of days… though a close on their heels is my computer that shut down as soon as I had finished writing and deleted this, certain boys and timeframes, my belly that seems to be getting larger by the minute, that ice cream in the freezer that is just calling my name… ok yea there are a lot of things annoying me so on with the top ones!

Annoyance number 1: COPS
Ok now I may seem to be a hypocrite since I’m usually the first person to defend our men in uniform… but seriously some guys are out there just to be an ass. Yesterday morning while heading home from dropping off a friends daughter at school I volunteered to also drop off her nanny at the bus stop… her nanny mind you is a very short, small, Pilipino woman (this will become important later). Anyways just as we were about to pass the bus stop, she yells THAT’S IT THAT’S IT.. so I quickly put my right blinker on, checked over my shoulder, moved into the right lane and immediately turned. While she was getting out of the car a police office knocked on my window. My first thought was, ok this is a red zone but he can see I’m just dropping her off. He then proceeded to ask for my license and registration. At that point I was very confused, which I said to him. I had done nothing illegal so why was I getting a ticket! His actual response was, well ma’am you weren’t in the right lane long enough before you turned and next time you can cause an accident. WHAT?! I had plenty of time to look over, see that there were no other cars on the road, put on my blinker, and then change lanes and turned. At this point I didn’t want to argue too much with him, but definitely did inform him that I thought he was wrong… to which he said very slowly as if I’m an idiot- well ma’am obviously you have problems understanding things let me explain this to you a little clearer. And of course next to the car was the poor nanny freaking out saying- I’m so sorry, don’t give her a ticket, it was all my fault… and the cop just looked at her and yelled- BACK AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE MA’AM… all in all I wanted to just deck him, especially when he continued to yell at her! But I remained calm and informed him that I was looking forward to seeing him again when I fought him in court over this one.

Annoyance number 2: Underpaid Gym Managers
Now when I think of people working at gyms I often think of very perky happy people, after all, after all exercising gets you on endorphins, right?! Well obviously THOSE people do not work at my gym! And after my incident with the police all I wanted to do was hit my boot camp class and work off my aggressions! Turns out that since I have an out of state Drivers License that was not going to be possible… after the front desk attendant stood firm on her IDIOTIC ground I asked to see a manager. When I informed him that I’ve never had a problem before he actual told me that I need to point out the people that usually let me in with that license because he needs to write them up! ARE YOU KIDDING ME… after informing him what I thought of his gym and policy I quickly left the gym on my way to hike… and I have to say thank goodness the Tree People were a much nicer lot!

Annoyance number 3: California Unemployment Insurance
Ok so I called last week to extend my unemployment claim and was told to call back this week to follow up. And for two days I have been on a permanent state of hold and then hung up on MULTIPLY TIMES. And I understand that the reason they are extending people’s benefits is because there are so many unemployed right now, so really it would make sense for them to just hire more people to answer there phone systems! Seriously is it too much to ask that I can actually get a hold of someone about my check!!!

So there are my top three… lets hope the rest of the week goes a little smoother, especially since this afternoon will be spent dealing with getting my passport renewed!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Show me you, what?!

Since it was such a hit telling Mr. Masturbators story and having everyone laugh at someone else’s expense for once, I thought I would tell the story of Mr. Penis. One that even makes the losers I date seem semi-normal. Now I have to stress, this is a story that was told to me, so don’t try and guess which one of my friends is the guy. I don't actually don’t know the person, but after hearing the story I kind of wish I did… but it was just too good not to tell, especially in light of all my naked pictures that ended up on the internet.

Let me take you down to San Diego where there is a poor girl whom we shall have to name Miss Penis. And she unfortunately did nothing to earn her name except agree to meet with a friend’s personal trainer on what was assumed to be a blind date. Except she kind of thought it was just a blind “meet” and he thought it was definitely a “date”. But the point is they agreed to go rock climbing. Which seemed to be going fine except that she wasn’t interested in being more than friends but unfortunately he was. Now we already can tell that he’s a little slow- seeing as he’s a personal trainer. But his clue that she really wasn’t interested should have been that at the end of the date he didn’t even get a kiss goodnight. But poor Mr. Penis must have spent the following week dreaming of their second date… now most likely Miss Penis went on with her business as normal that week and probably didn’t even give him much of a second thought until she received a text message while she was out having drinks. Now you are probably thinking, oh you can’t blame the guy for sending her a text message… and I wouldn’t except for the fact that the text message also included a picture of his PENIS! I kid you not. And she did what only self respecting female out there would do- forward that sucker on to all of her friends!

So moral of the story to all the guys out there- unless you want to be an internet joke please refrain from sending pictures of your naked body parts to someone you’ve only gone on one date with! Even if you are huge and have the most perfect penis in the world, I can guarantee you that she doesn’t want to see it… unless she’s having a bad day and needs to pull something out to make her laugh.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Meeting the Parents... GASP!

Now there comes a point in every relationship when you have to meet the parents. And it’s something every person dreads. For me I get especially worried after Mr. Wyoming’s Mother hated me and had no problem telling that to me face… though ironically he still doesn’t remember her ever not liking me. I’m not kidding when I tell you this woman use to call every night just when we were going to bed (or having sex) and he would freaking answer it- even if we were having sex! But that’s an entirely different relationship story… anyways Sunday morning Mr. Green meet my parents. Now in a normal circumstance it would be WAY too soon to meet them- especially since we are only just dating! But seeing as both myself and them live out of town and we all were in San Diego for the wedding the timing was just right. Though I have to say I originally I didn’t invite him to brunch because I know that I had been pressuring him too much lately to get the allusive commitment, and I figured meeting the family would send him over the edge. Plus he was going to be spending the weekend at wedding events with me, which was also a little bit of pressure for just a budding relationship. When I first mentioned the brunch I knew I had guessed correctly, he kind of froze and was like ok I’ll think about it. Which kind of was the answer I wanted for two reasons. One I didn’t think it was fair to introduce them to someone I was dating if it wasn’t serious… and two they never like anyone I’ve ever dated and I just can’t deal anymore with having to justify and defend someone to my family. But as the weekend progressed (and he luckily missed meeting them at both the Out of Town Guests drinks reception and at the end of the wedding) he started to change his mind…And Saturday night after the wedding (before I passed out drunk, the poor guy!) he decided that he was ready to meet them in the morning… though of course that’s not saying it was easy to drag his ass out of bed Sunday morning! I once again told him he could sleep in and I would meet up with him when I was done, but he surprisingly rallied and met them with me at the Green Flash for breakfast. But what was even more surprising was the fact that my family seemed to really like him. My Mom is still not sold, but only because of the fact that he lives in San Diego. She kept saying he seems really great, nice, handsome… but he’s not local (as if I needed her to ONCE again remind me of that one!). And she made a point to mention that he was 10 times better than Mr. NakedBartender ever was … but the person that I was most shocked with was my father. He first got on the phone and was upset because I didn’t call and ask him what he had thought of Mr. Green. Oh great, here it is I thought… but what he said was that he really liked him, thought he was great. And of course his little input on my ex’s was- I like Mr. Green, and you know I never liked Mr. Arizona. Which wasn’t a surprise since in the last 2 years of us being together my father actually REFUSED to talk him. Mr. Arizona would come over to my parent’s house for many events and holidays and would barely acknowledge his existence! And here is my Dad calling to say that he actually (GASP) approves of someone I’m dating… seriously hell might have frozen over down there in San Diego over the weekend. Or it could be that I’m actually dating a good guy?! Though as we all know I have been drastically wrong before when saying that statement, so really only time will tell...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Don't stop believeing

This morning as I sit down at my computer trying to put the weekend into words, and for once in my life I am left speechless. To start off with I had the most amazing time the last three day. I went down to San Diego for the wedding of one of my best friends since 2nd grade. Now this is someone who I grew up with and consider like a sister to me. We’ve gotten into numerous scrapes in our life (As we found out Officer Webber will always leave an imprint on our parents minds), gone through way too many boys, schools, teachers, friends, lovers… Seen our parents grow old, watched her siblings grow up, seen the death of more than one pet (I was there the day her hamster died just as she was with me the moment my bird died), made at least one teacher cry (sorry Mr. Esch), seen us through Chicago, Arizona, New York, DC, Los Angeles and all the places in between. We’ve vacationed with each others families, sampled her fathers home brew before we knew any better. And as of Saturday I walked down the aisle at her wedding. As was expected I cried (her entire family, plus herself, pointed and laughed as I sobbed through the Bride and Grooms first dance). I laughed along with her family and mine at all the memories of us as kids. Gave a slightly inebriated toast at the rehearsal dinner (and yes I actually did edit myself for once!). But all in all I was very touched during the two days of wedding festivities. Jenny looked amazing, a glowing bride in an amazing dress (definitely worth not being able to breath in) who has never looked as happy as she was this entire weekend. The service was by far the best mass I’ve attended for a wedding (the trick is to have a priest that actually knows the family). The band was one of the best I’ve heard for events (and the groom singing Highway to Hell made the entire night). And the hotel where the reception was held was right on the cliffs in La Jolla and it was breathtaking dancing the night away under the stars. I have to say watching her parents and mine really dance away was fantastic and touching. Truly it was a fairy tale wedding. And I admit at one point it did make me a little sad to watch how in love everyone was, and to realize that this is what I do want. I want that lifetime of happiness, and someone to slow dance under the stars with me, who knows me inside and out… basically someone to walk off into the sunset with. And although I did have the moment of sadness I also had numerous moments of happiness this weekend with Mr. Green. And I can honestly say I’m happy with the way things are between us EXACTLY AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. So there might not be a sunset in our near future… but let me tell you- sometimes the Cliffs of La Jolla are a very close second. And I’m sorry, but for now I’m actually keeping that memory all to myself!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Mr. M

Seeing as everyone’s favorite blogs of mine are always the ones in which Hardt gets herself into some kind of crazy predicament , I thought I’d share the very humorous story about a friend of mine this week, let’s call him Mr. Masturbator (though really it's Mr. Green!) Now it might not be as funny to laugh at someone other than me, but I think this tops my best story about being locked out of my apartment in only a string bikini.

So let me take you back to Sunday night. It was a hot humid night, with not much on TV (damn all the re-runs) and Mr. Masturbator thought he would pass the evening with a little weed and a little porn… now the only problem is that he seemed to have run out of lube. Well what’s a horny little guy to do, except in a stroke of genius he remembered that he picked up body wash at Wallmart the day before (Yea WALLMART, but that’s a whole different story). Now most people know that you aren’t supposed to wash ANYTHING for a prolonged period of time, especially not your penis. But like previously mentioned he was horny and stoned so he decided to go at it. Well 15 minutes later he finished and was a happy camper… until he realized that something was stinging. Yes you guessed it, he cleaned that little guy so well it practically was shinning! Well shinning like only a very red, chafed, swollen penis could be- and so not in a good way. And has remained in that state for 3 very long masturbating free days!

So kids the lesson to be learned today is don’t use body wash when masturbating… And for all you guys out there that have run out and are just too lazy or stoned to get some more here are the top 10 substitutes for lube. CAUTION THESE ARE FOR WHEN YOU ARE FLYING SOLO… most of these are NOT for use during sex with or without condoms. Unless you want to rot your condom (anything Vaseline or oil based) or give your poor girlfriend a UTI (most things that are NOT an official lube, if you are unsure DON’T RISK IT)! But otherwise have some fun and be safe with your masturbating!

1. Lotion
2. Baby Oil (seems the recommendation from most men is Johnson and Johnson Baby Oil Gel)
3. Spit (yours or your girlfriends if she wants to help you out)
4. Olive Oil (extra points for using “Extra Virgin”
5. Egg Whites (according to a Google search! I’ve used it on my hair before and it came out very shinny so maybe it would perk your penis up a bit!)
6. Vaseline (though if used to much it supposedly will make the skin on the penis thinner)
7. Coconut Oil (which got me to thinking, would tanning oil then work too?)
8. Peanut Better (according to Men’s Health, but seriously can’t imagine it would feel that great!)
9. Butter
10. Biotene Oral Balance Mouth Moisturizing Gel

Monday, August 4, 2008

Case and Point

About a half hour after posting my previous blog about feeling the need to censor myself I got a call from my mother. So with that last piece of “encouragement” I’ve decided to not air all of my laundry anymore and will have to go into a deep sense of censorship (ie get ready for really boring blogs)… She called to tell me that she didn’t think it was fair to Mr. Green that I was blogging about going on other dates. Now I was quick to point out to her BUT THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS… I gave him the option for us to be exclusive and he choose not to be. And yes I know that I should have walked away at that moment, but it’s only been a couple of weeks and I figured I’d give him some time to get to know the fantastic-ness that is me and change his mind. Because honestly, a month is too soon for anyone to want to commit to someone, even if that someone is as fabulous as me! And in the meantime yes I have gone out with a couple of gentleman… but to set the record straight I AM A SERIAL MONOGAMIST and no matter what, once I start into a sexual relation with someone they become the only guy that I am with. So the answer to the question on everyone’s mind, no Nicole is not sleeping, hooking up with, making out with anyone other than Mr. Green. My dates have been fairly innocent and friendly and although I would like him to think that I’m out there hanging from rafters and fear I am slipping away, that is simply not the case… Of course on the other hand I’m not saying I haven’t had the option to swing from those rafters, and although there have been some tempting offers, I unfortunately would just prefer to swing from them with him.

Censored

For the first time since I started blogging I have found myself censoring them… I moved my blogs from Myspace over to Blogspot so that I could write what I wanted and not have to be worried what people think… I had hoped that everyone I know and love would follow me over to the new blog, and I have been shocked with how much that has happened. In the end I have gotten more readers than I thought possible, and am shocked daily when friends asks for updates and wonder if my weekend is posted on my blog yet. But at the same time the people who I write about have also begun to follow my blog, just as my family also has begun to refer to the men in my life by their Mr. Title that I give them … but the excitement that I use to get when I was able to clear my head and write everything down (the good, bad and ugly) has left me because I have begun to double check myself, and tone down the stories, and make sure my hardt is really left out of it… so after a very cathartic weekend on many levels I’ve begun to think about all the times lately that I’ve had to stop myself lately…

I’ve censored myself when writing about my past weekend… I couldn’t write how great it felt to walk away from Mr. My Harry at the end of the night… but also how amazing it felt to just lay in his arms again.

I censor myself when writing about Mr. Green… and the fact that I’m afraid to admit that I do have feelings for him. Afraid because he does read my blogs. Afraid because it does scare him off a bit. But mostly afraid because I know he doesn’t feel the same. Sure he’s enjoyed spending time with me, enjoyed the great sex we have, but at the same time he’s young and wants to enjoy his life… and enjoying his life means being able to continue to date other women and not be tied down to someone who lives in LA. And I know it freaks him out every time I try and pin him down about it, let alone write about it... but in the end maybe I've already screwed up that potential relationship, and that makes me a bit sad.

I censor myself in regards to this upcoming wedding weekend. Censor because I know my friends and the bride do read my blogs. And although I am unbelievably excited for the wedding (and know I will cry my eyes out!) it makes me a little sad at the same time. It reminds me that once again it’s not me getting married. It just makes me feel like I’m being left behind, and wonder if maybe that just isn't in the cards for me… Reminds me that once again I am going to a wedding single. Which most people will say is the way to go, a single bridesmaid is sure to pick up someone there! But the idea of attending a wedding where my family will also be in attendance and know that when those amazing wedding songs are played I will be watching the bride and groom, my family, their family, our friends, and the rest of the bridal party head out for a dance with their loved ones, I will be hiding in the corner with my bottle of champagne. And at the same time excited to be spending the weekend with Mr. Green, also a little sad knowing that his feelings towards me have cooled in the last couple of weeks, but like I said- I’ve censored myself while I sat back and watched that happen.

I've censor myself when writing about a certain ex… and while talking about it this weekend I once again went into my joking monologue about being posted naked on the internet… and we laughed about it… but I’ve had to stop myself when writing that it still does hurt. Not daily like it use to… maybe not even weekly. But everyone once in awhile, like this morning, it just kind of sneaks back up on me. And although I’ve moved on with my life sometimes I do still miss him. Which my friends berate me for, so I haven’t written about those moments lately because I don’t want to open that can of worms and get into that argument again. But I have to say sometimes it just really hurts.

I’ve been censoring myself when talking about my dating life lately… mainly because I know that they read the blogs, especially Mr. Green. And really don't need the men in your life to know about each other… or the fact that I’m only out there dating because it makes me feel a little less hopeless when I think the he too is out there dating other girls. Really when did life become so complicated? Once upon a time when you liked someone you said it, you started dating, and then broke up… now there are degrees of “dating” and really everyone is just waiting for someone better to come around. So knowing that he’s out looking for someone better has had me out there thinking well maybe I should be doing the same…

I’ve been censoring myself when talking about being unemployed. I’ve written about a couple of interviews, I’ve made the life seem fun and exciting but most of all I’ve laughed about the rejections. But in reality it’s not fun. It’s not exciting. I’ve never been this desperate for a job or money. I’ve spent the last couple of months doing everything to keep myself afloat, and let’s just say my head is under that water! I’ve sold things off, had yard sales, started teaching swim lesson, gave surf lessons, baby-sat (even for a Saturday Night Lives Actresses kids), dog-sat, house-sat, temped, watered plants… you name it and I’ve probably done it to make money. I swear if I had bigger breast and a smaller stomach I would have considered a topless bar!

So those are the thoughts that were going through my head this morning… and I’m sure I will get some slack to them. I’m sure someone will end up annoyed. Someone else confused. And starting tomorrow I will go back to censoring my thoughts. But for now, I have to say it feels good to just clear my hardt.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

When my present met my past

When I planned my Friday night, I was expecting a nice low key evening… Meeting up for drinks and dinner with Mr. First, which I had assumed would go roughly an hour. Leaving me an hour to get back to the Valley, let the dogs out and head to West Hollywood to meet up with my girls for a party and a bar. Which I figured that after a drink, maybe a flirt, I would head home, let the dogs out one last time and be asleep by 1. Well you know what they say, best laid plans and all. So instead at 1, I was on a rooftop nestled in the bottom of the Hollywood Hills staring at the city and the stars as the fog rolled in with the former Mr. My Harry. But let me go back to the beginning…

When I originally had planned on meeting up with Mr. First for a drink I assumed it would become another drinks and awkward catch up with someone from high school. The background story on us is that Mr. First is an old friend that I haven’t seen since I was 18. We went to High School together, both as theatre geeks, and of course had the requisite Senior Prom night adventure- basically a nice pg-13 (ok really NC-17 rated) night on the beach after prom… lost touch over the years but thanks to the wondrous circle that is facebook became reacquainted a while back, and seeing as we both live in Los Angeles we have been trying to meet up for drinks for awhile. So after a few failed attempts we finally settled on Friday night. Well, the allotted hour quickly turned into 2 ½ and my glass of water turned into 3 glasses of wine (of course!)… But we had a shockingly good time catching up, and after the initial awkward phase we went straight into laughing and drinking like old friends! Unfortunately all the time we spent reminiscing made me ridiculously late for appointments number 2 and 3… So with the promise of another night of drinks to come and a very nice text message from him after I left, I headed off for the rest of my Friday night. The third portion of my evening was spent as a girl’s night at the Village Idiot (crashed by Mr. My Harry and Mr. Entourage-though turns out the best way to meet men is to bring with you one of the stars of a TV show that is most guys favorite). I can skip over most of the evening which really consisted of just a lot of drinking, a lot of sex talk (and members sizes) and even a game of guess who is a virgin and guess who slept with the most actors. But really my evening began after I left the bar. After more glasses of wine and a couple of beers I ended up over on Mr. My Harry’s rooftop. Luckily years of experience has taught me that a drunken night with him is not what the doctor ordered, so after a little cuddle staring at the stars I headed home full of laughter at the unfulfilled promises of the evening. Because maybe I’m just getting old, but right now I need a surfing buddy more than I need a “buddy”… but I won’t lie to you, it still felt really nice to lay with someone staring up at the stars on my Friday night!