For the first time since I started blogging I have found myself censoring them… I moved my blogs from Myspace over to Blogspot so that I could write what I wanted and not have to be worried what people think… I had hoped that everyone I know and love would follow me over to the new blog, and I have been shocked with how much that has happened. In the end I have gotten more readers than I thought possible, and am shocked daily when friends asks for updates and wonder if my weekend is posted on my blog yet. But at the same time the people who I write about have also begun to follow my blog, just as my family also has begun to refer to the men in my life by their Mr. Title that I give them … but the excitement that I use to get when I was able to clear my head and write everything down (the good, bad and ugly) has left me because I have begun to double check myself, and tone down the stories, and make sure my hardt is really left out of it… so after a very cathartic weekend on many levels I’ve begun to think about all the times lately that I’ve had to stop myself lately…
I’ve censored myself when writing about my past weekend… I couldn’t write how great it felt to walk away from Mr. My Harry at the end of the night… but also how amazing it felt to just lay in his arms again.
I censor myself when writing about Mr. Green… and the fact that I’m afraid to admit that I do have feelings for him. Afraid because he does read my blogs. Afraid because it does scare him off a bit. But mostly afraid because I know he doesn’t feel the same. Sure he’s enjoyed spending time with me, enjoyed the great sex we have, but at the same time he’s young and wants to enjoy his life… and enjoying his life means being able to continue to date other women and not be tied down to someone who lives in LA. And I know it freaks him out every time I try and pin him down about it, let alone write about it... but in the end maybe I've already screwed up that potential relationship, and that makes me a bit sad.
I censor myself in regards to this upcoming wedding weekend. Censor because I know my friends and the bride do read my blogs. And although I am unbelievably excited for the wedding (and know I will cry my eyes out!) it makes me a little sad at the same time. It reminds me that once again it’s not me getting married. It just makes me feel like I’m being left behind, and wonder if maybe that just isn't in the cards for me… Reminds me that once again I am going to a wedding single. Which most people will say is the way to go, a single bridesmaid is sure to pick up someone there! But the idea of attending a wedding where my family will also be in attendance and know that when those amazing wedding songs are played I will be watching the bride and groom, my family, their family, our friends, and the rest of the bridal party head out for a dance with their loved ones, I will be hiding in the corner with my bottle of champagne. And at the same time excited to be spending the weekend with Mr. Green, also a little sad knowing that his feelings towards me have cooled in the last couple of weeks, but like I said- I’ve censored myself while I sat back and watched that happen.
I've censor myself when writing about a certain ex… and while talking about it this weekend I once again went into my joking monologue about being posted naked on the internet… and we laughed about it… but I’ve had to stop myself when writing that it still does hurt. Not daily like it use to… maybe not even weekly. But everyone once in awhile, like this morning, it just kind of sneaks back up on me. And although I’ve moved on with my life sometimes I do still miss him. Which my friends berate me for, so I haven’t written about those moments lately because I don’t want to open that can of worms and get into that argument again. But I have to say sometimes it just really hurts.
I’ve been censoring myself when talking about my dating life lately… mainly because I know that they read the blogs, especially Mr. Green. And really don't need the men in your life to know about each other… or the fact that I’m only out there dating because it makes me feel a little less hopeless when I think the he too is out there dating other girls. Really when did life become so complicated? Once upon a time when you liked someone you said it, you started dating, and then broke up… now there are degrees of “dating” and really everyone is just waiting for someone better to come around. So knowing that he’s out looking for someone better has had me out there thinking well maybe I should be doing the same…
I’ve been censoring myself when talking about being unemployed. I’ve written about a couple of interviews, I’ve made the life seem fun and exciting but most of all I’ve laughed about the rejections. But in reality it’s not fun. It’s not exciting. I’ve never been this desperate for a job or money. I’ve spent the last couple of months doing everything to keep myself afloat, and let’s just say my head is under that water! I’ve sold things off, had yard sales, started teaching swim lesson, gave surf lessons, baby-sat (even for a Saturday Night Lives Actresses kids), dog-sat, house-sat, temped, watered plants… you name it and I’ve probably done it to make money. I swear if I had bigger breast and a smaller stomach I would have considered a topless bar!
So those are the thoughts that were going through my head this morning… and I’m sure I will get some slack to them. I’m sure someone will end up annoyed. Someone else confused. And starting tomorrow I will go back to censoring my thoughts. But for now, I have to say it feels good to just clear my hardt.
I’ve censored myself when writing about my past weekend… I couldn’t write how great it felt to walk away from Mr. My Harry at the end of the night… but also how amazing it felt to just lay in his arms again.
I censor myself when writing about Mr. Green… and the fact that I’m afraid to admit that I do have feelings for him. Afraid because he does read my blogs. Afraid because it does scare him off a bit. But mostly afraid because I know he doesn’t feel the same. Sure he’s enjoyed spending time with me, enjoyed the great sex we have, but at the same time he’s young and wants to enjoy his life… and enjoying his life means being able to continue to date other women and not be tied down to someone who lives in LA. And I know it freaks him out every time I try and pin him down about it, let alone write about it... but in the end maybe I've already screwed up that potential relationship, and that makes me a bit sad.
I censor myself in regards to this upcoming wedding weekend. Censor because I know my friends and the bride do read my blogs. And although I am unbelievably excited for the wedding (and know I will cry my eyes out!) it makes me a little sad at the same time. It reminds me that once again it’s not me getting married. It just makes me feel like I’m being left behind, and wonder if maybe that just isn't in the cards for me… Reminds me that once again I am going to a wedding single. Which most people will say is the way to go, a single bridesmaid is sure to pick up someone there! But the idea of attending a wedding where my family will also be in attendance and know that when those amazing wedding songs are played I will be watching the bride and groom, my family, their family, our friends, and the rest of the bridal party head out for a dance with their loved ones, I will be hiding in the corner with my bottle of champagne. And at the same time excited to be spending the weekend with Mr. Green, also a little sad knowing that his feelings towards me have cooled in the last couple of weeks, but like I said- I’ve censored myself while I sat back and watched that happen.
I've censor myself when writing about a certain ex… and while talking about it this weekend I once again went into my joking monologue about being posted naked on the internet… and we laughed about it… but I’ve had to stop myself when writing that it still does hurt. Not daily like it use to… maybe not even weekly. But everyone once in awhile, like this morning, it just kind of sneaks back up on me. And although I’ve moved on with my life sometimes I do still miss him. Which my friends berate me for, so I haven’t written about those moments lately because I don’t want to open that can of worms and get into that argument again. But I have to say sometimes it just really hurts.
I’ve been censoring myself when talking about my dating life lately… mainly because I know that they read the blogs, especially Mr. Green. And really don't need the men in your life to know about each other… or the fact that I’m only out there dating because it makes me feel a little less hopeless when I think the he too is out there dating other girls. Really when did life become so complicated? Once upon a time when you liked someone you said it, you started dating, and then broke up… now there are degrees of “dating” and really everyone is just waiting for someone better to come around. So knowing that he’s out looking for someone better has had me out there thinking well maybe I should be doing the same…
I’ve been censoring myself when talking about being unemployed. I’ve written about a couple of interviews, I’ve made the life seem fun and exciting but most of all I’ve laughed about the rejections. But in reality it’s not fun. It’s not exciting. I’ve never been this desperate for a job or money. I’ve spent the last couple of months doing everything to keep myself afloat, and let’s just say my head is under that water! I’ve sold things off, had yard sales, started teaching swim lesson, gave surf lessons, baby-sat (even for a Saturday Night Lives Actresses kids), dog-sat, house-sat, temped, watered plants… you name it and I’ve probably done it to make money. I swear if I had bigger breast and a smaller stomach I would have considered a topless bar!
So those are the thoughts that were going through my head this morning… and I’m sure I will get some slack to them. I’m sure someone will end up annoyed. Someone else confused. And starting tomorrow I will go back to censoring my thoughts. But for now, I have to say it feels good to just clear my hardt.
No comments:
Post a Comment