Is this my life?

Today I got to thinking about my life. What’s in it. What does it mean. Who I am. What I am… And where am I going to end up when this crazy rollercoaster that has been my life finally stops.

Filling out my passport paperwork I realized I don’t have a box - single, married, divorced… is there an undecided? A couple of months ago it was in a relationship and happy, but that feels more like a lifetime ago… now my box should be “dating” but in reality I’m really horrible at that. When the dating genes were given out, I sure was skipped! The only way I can describe myself is dating-retarded! I’m good at relationships but dating just leaves me baffled. I go on dates- some successful some not. I don’t seem to have trouble meeting men, it’s just meeting men that I actually want to be with that seems to be a little bit harder! I’ve been dating Mr. Green for about a month now but due to his schedule I won’t be seeing him in Los Angeles for at least another month if not more, so really we should say we are in limbo or on hold. Though from my experience when you are separated from someone for longer than you were together that usually means you are over. The true test will be to see if he actually invites me down to San Diego in that time... I have Mr. X who sends emails/texts/im’s/pictures from India and Thailand but really I don’t want more than just to be friends this time around. I will always love him, am looking forward to seeing him when he gets back in a couple weeks because really he’s been great this year- the perfect distraction that I needed to get back on my feet… but at the same time I realized he’s a great distraction, but right now I’m looking for something a little bit more. But for every moment where I’m unhappy being single I have another moment where I’m so happy I’m not in a relationship. I can go down to San Diego at a moments notice to visit friends, I can hop off to Jamaica without having to worry about checking in with anyone, I can have girls night where I go out and get my flirt on (plus multiple free drinks), I can spend my Sunday laying in bed doing nothing or I can get up and surf and hike and do yoga and not have to worry about what anyone else wants to do.

As for my age- I’m not quite 30 but at the same time I don’t feel like I’m in my 20’s anymore. I still have those impulses to go and get crazy and have wild nights… and lately it’s ended up like it did last weekend- in bed asleep by midnight! I have “jobs” but right now I can’t say I have a career (Occupation- Bartender? Swim Instructor? Surf Instructor? Babysitter? Yard Sale Specialist? Entertainment Assistant?). I was recently reminded of just how athletic I am… but at the same time I feel like I’ve never been lazier. I know I have packed on a few pounds lately… mostly because I’m, dare I say it, happy. Being in my post-relationship depression it was easy to eat crazy healthy and work out all the time… but lately I’ve found that ice cream calling to me and when the gym time rolls around a nice nap seems just as nice!

Really right now the only thing I do know is that I’ve somehow gotten off track… and I really don’t know how to get back on it. So I’ve decided to take the next 30 days and just really figure out what is going on in my life. I’ve also decided I really need to shake things up a bit, and more than just by trying a different class at the gym! And I don’t know if that means I need to give up alcohol, meat, men (GASP!), sex… But it definitely means I need to take some time by myself, without the outside voices interjecting on my life…. Because right now there sure are a lot! It seems everyone has an opinion on how I’m living my life, how I could do better, what I need to stop doing, what I need to not be thinking about… lately it’s become too much. Too much criticism. Too much advice. And really just too little Hardt. So check back in a month and see how much can change… I’ll just be getting back into the United States… I’ll hopefully have a nice tan and a flat stomach. Maybe a nice boy to come home to (and if not than I think I can be ok with that too). Hopefully a perfect job that lets my bank account get back into the positive numbers…. And hopefully a perfect ME.