Mr. M

Seeing as everyone’s favorite blogs of mine are always the ones in which Hardt gets herself into some kind of crazy predicament , I thought I’d share the very humorous story about a friend of mine this week, let’s call him Mr. Masturbator (though really it's Mr. Green!) Now it might not be as funny to laugh at someone other than me, but I think this tops my best story about being locked out of my apartment in only a string bikini.

So let me take you back to Sunday night. It was a hot humid night, with not much on TV (damn all the re-runs) and Mr. Masturbator thought he would pass the evening with a little weed and a little porn… now the only problem is that he seemed to have run out of lube. Well what’s a horny little guy to do, except in a stroke of genius he remembered that he picked up body wash at Wallmart the day before (Yea WALLMART, but that’s a whole different story). Now most people know that you aren’t supposed to wash ANYTHING for a prolonged period of time, especially not your penis. But like previously mentioned he was horny and stoned so he decided to go at it. Well 15 minutes later he finished and was a happy camper… until he realized that something was stinging. Yes you guessed it, he cleaned that little guy so well it practically was shinning! Well shinning like only a very red, chafed, swollen penis could be- and so not in a good way. And has remained in that state for 3 very long masturbating free days!

So kids the lesson to be learned today is don’t use body wash when masturbating… And for all you guys out there that have run out and are just too lazy or stoned to get some more here are the top 10 substitutes for lube. CAUTION THESE ARE FOR WHEN YOU ARE FLYING SOLO… most of these are NOT for use during sex with or without condoms. Unless you want to rot your condom (anything Vaseline or oil based) or give your poor girlfriend a UTI (most things that are NOT an official lube, if you are unsure DON’T RISK IT)! But otherwise have some fun and be safe with your masturbating!

1. Lotion
2. Baby Oil (seems the recommendation from most men is Johnson and Johnson Baby Oil Gel)
3. Spit (yours or your girlfriends if she wants to help you out)
4. Olive Oil (extra points for using “Extra Virgin”
5. Egg Whites (according to a Google search! I’ve used it on my hair before and it came out very shinny so maybe it would perk your penis up a bit!)
6. Vaseline (though if used to much it supposedly will make the skin on the penis thinner)
7. Coconut Oil (which got me to thinking, would tanning oil then work too?)
8. Peanut Better (according to Men’s Health, but seriously can’t imagine it would feel that great!)
9. Butter
10. Biotene Oral Balance Mouth Moisturizing Gel