"YOU BROKE MY HEART!"

So at the end of the day I was left with one thought- Does swiping someone with my surfboard, make us even for him breaking my heart? In the long run maybe if I had actually knocked him out, then yes… but maybe I should back up before I look like a deranged bunny boiler going after Mr. Piranha… After last weeks emotional exhaustion that was giving back all of his stuff, I was hoping my heart would have awhile to heal before I would see him again. We both have too many mutual friends and mutual activities to not run into each other. And I’m sure we will be running into each others romantic interest too before the year is out, but was hoping for some time before any of that. Well things don’t always go according to plan, do they? Instead only a week after seeing him last, and saying my final goodbye, I was not prepared to see him today. Friday is our usual surf day… and I assumed that after all that has happened he would opt out of it. And I knew it was going to be hard going without him but it was something that I’m trying to get use to in general so I knew I would get through it just fine. But what I didn’t expect was to spend the morning surfing with him, trying to pretend like everything was fine… when all I wanted to do was scream. Because the truth of the matter is I’m really angry. Angrier than I’ve been in a really long time. I spent a lot of time being hurt. A lot of time crying. A lot of time being confused…and have just been left with this rage. I’m angry for all the lies he told me. I’m angry about all the times he told me that I was amazing when he doesn’t really believe that. I’m angry about every time he looked at me in those puppy dog eyes with a twinkle in them, and every time he would give me this grin that seemed like it was meant just for me… I’m angry that I left him get under my skin and showed him just how much. Angry every time he calls me by a nickname that he knows only a select few call me, and one that just reminds me of every time he use to say it… and how much it use to mean to hear him say it…But most of all I’m angry for falling in love with someone once again who just doesn’t love me… And I’m so angry that I can’t be around him. He tried to talk to me most the morning, I couldn’t even look at him, could talk, couldn’t even say hi. I tried to avoid him, though it’s hard to do on an ordinary day of surfing but near impossible on a day when the waves were 8 - 10 feet, when one missed step and you could be drug under a very large very powerful wave. And we slowly got into a pattern, after everyone had to bail after about 15 minutes in the waves, it was just us. Both keeping an eye out for the other, both making sure that the other was ok. And so we surfed. Not really saying anything except checking in every once in awhile. And roughly 2 hours later, after we were worked from the waves we called it a day. And slowly made it back to the shore… he tried a few comments to get me to come out of my shell, and I just couldn’t bite. He once again made a sexual comment when I got out of my wetsuit, and for a moment I saw that sparkle back in his eye and saw how much he does appreciate what I look like wearing very little. And I just had to turn away. Because at the end of the day all I felt was nothing. I looked at him and I knew it was over. No longer were we lovers. No longer were we friends. No longer were we even acquaintances…instead we were stranger. Two strangers that just happen to spend a couple of hours every week in the water together. But who when back on land have nothing left… and that makes me very sad. That someone who I once was so close with I can’t even bare to be in the same room as. I don’t know if I have ever shut down like I have now with him… as we know I’m always the one who smoothes things over. Always the one who tries to be friends. And I have since things went south, but when it came down to it today I just couldn’t do it anymore… and maybe this anger will leave me. But from where I sit tonight that’s not going to happen for awhile…and maybe it’s healthy to finally be mad. To finally not be able to see him. To finally maybe be able to stop remembering all the great times we had. Because what I need to remember is exactly how I feel now. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. And furious… because this is what he has done to me… and really why would I ever want to go back and be friends with someone who makes me feel like this? So for now I will opt out of Friday morning surf sessions. Carefully crafted answers and a trip to San Onofre will replace my 7am paddle out with friends. And it sucks that it’s come to this. But once I’m going to opt out of seeing the one who has broken my heart. Will stop trying to be friends. And will just move on. After all, hasn’t he?!