So much has happened in the last week and I’ve had a hard time writing about it. Over the years you have watched as I fall in and out of love. Watched me get hurt. Watched me pick myself up all the while saying this time I’m really broken…in fact I’ve begun to feel like the little girl who cried pain… and maybe it’s because when you fall you forget all the spills you’ve had in the past. You just look on with hope and forget all the hurt. But once again I lay broken… and I know that just like all the rest, I will get over him. I will move on with someone else… but this one is going to be really hard to get over. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere between Havasu and Los Angeles I fell in love. But a completely different love. For once I wasn’t oblivious to his faults. Instead I fell in love with him… and over the last month he has told me many things, given me many promises, and weaved a web of lies. I’ve spent many nights playing with his kittens. I’ve had him cook me dinner. We’ve spent many morning surfing. Looking for the best taco places in Los Angeles. I’ve met his friends. He’s hung out with mine… and I believed everything that he told me. When he said he’s still in pain from his last relationship and needed time, I believed that. When he said he needs to take a break from dating, I believed that. We he sent me email after email telling me just how awesome and amazing I am, I believed that too. And I know now I should have walked away in Havasu. I have very few regrets in my life, in fact I can count them on one finger, and the fact of the matter is that if I could have skipped a party back in December and never met him I would without hesitation. Because after each break up I have been left with a different set of hurts, but never have I felt completely raw with humiliation as I do right now. Not even being posted naked on the internet has left me feeling like this… On Saturday he finally told me the truth. In one short conversation I found out all those “issues” he had with himself and how he couldn’t date were really just issues with me. He told me point blank that yes he was seeing someone else, but that it wasn’t exclusive because “I just need to be single for awhile because I’m enjoying fucking a lot of girls”… and it was in the moment that I actually couldn’t catch my breath. Because I looked at him with all the love in my eyes and staring back at me were the eyes of someone I don’t know. I was also informed of my sexual issues- apparently I don’t give enough blow jobs… it wasn’t just him being honest, it was him being down right cruel. I tried to get him to leave, but in fact was told he still had a beer to drink, so I Ieft to shower and get ready for the night. When I got out he was still there… and in that moment I hated him. More than I can remember feeling in a really long time. Because I will say it, I hate him right now.
Since Saturday I’ve received emails and texts from him, apologizing. Saying he didn’t mean anything that he said on Saturday. Telling me once again how amazing I am, trying to take back his blow job comment and in fact told me: “The sex was really fun, you look great naked and you do some really cool stuff with your vagina”, romantic, right?! That I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, that he didn’t mean it, that he’s scared of a relationship and that he just felt panicked at the thought of getting into one again. That I’m a really “cool chick”… and every day goes on and I don’t feel any better. I feel a hole where one of my close friends use to be… I miss him even more than I hate him. And yet I know that this time I cannot be friends with him. I’ve tried to return his surfboard… and even now as I sit here crying I just received another text from him. I told him that I cannot be friends, but the truth of the matter is that we have too many mutual friends for us to not run into each other. When he asked about surfing this week I told him that we will have to eventually so might as well get this over with. But at the same time I told him that that will be the only time he will see me. And even now I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face him…
Since Saturday I’ve received emails and texts from him, apologizing. Saying he didn’t mean anything that he said on Saturday. Telling me once again how amazing I am, trying to take back his blow job comment and in fact told me: “The sex was really fun, you look great naked and you do some really cool stuff with your vagina”, romantic, right?! That I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, that he didn’t mean it, that he’s scared of a relationship and that he just felt panicked at the thought of getting into one again. That I’m a really “cool chick”… and every day goes on and I don’t feel any better. I feel a hole where one of my close friends use to be… I miss him even more than I hate him. And yet I know that this time I cannot be friends with him. I’ve tried to return his surfboard… and even now as I sit here crying I just received another text from him. I told him that I cannot be friends, but the truth of the matter is that we have too many mutual friends for us to not run into each other. When he asked about surfing this week I told him that we will have to eventually so might as well get this over with. But at the same time I told him that that will be the only time he will see me. And even now I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face him…
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