Well it’s finally the winding down of the very tumultuous year in my world… it’s been a wild and crazy ride, one that I’m hoping to never have to go on again. At the same time I’ve had some amazing things happen this year and I learned that there is so much that we take for granted here. So many things that we think are necessities that we really can live without… but there are certain things that we can’t live without- mainly our family and friends. I love each and every one of my friends that have been there through so much with me… on many days they wanted to bash my head in, luckily they didn’t and just provided copious amounts of alcohol, cheese, and tissues. And for that I will be eternally grateful.
I started blogging a couple of years ago, but very sporadically. Just a blog here and there. Going maybe months without a new one, and then would have maybe 5 in a week. Many of my friends got use to hearing my sex-capades and my latest romantic attachments. When everything went down with Mr. Nakedbartender I moved all of them over to Blog Spot. I found myself very hurt, angry, confused, and unemployed all at the same time. So I blogged about it. Writing gave me something to look forward to every morning. More often than not I would get up, have my cup of coffee and sit down and write. In a way it made me feel like I had something to do, I had a job of sorts. It gave me a purpose. Slowly as I began to write down everything that was in my head, it made it easier for me to bring that over into my real life and I began to say everything that was in my head. Here was the girl who was unable to say I love you to her on and off boyfriend of 4 years and suddenly was able to say I love you and I miss you to everything and everyone. I became like the child in goodnight moon. I love you moon. I miss you bear. I love you room… and at first it was very liberating. I was able to say what I wanted. I was able to express emotions I had been repressing for years.. .and then it became too much. I was writing everything down. I didn’t care or didn’t see how it was affecting my life and my relationships. Suddenly people didn’t need to call and check up on me, they would just read the blogs. I would start to tell a story and hear oh I read that yesterday. When asked how I was doing I would just email off the link to the latest blog because it was easier than rehashing everything. And I put all of my emotions on paper regarding the boys I was dating. They were able to see into my head, see the neurotic me that needs to be hidden away. And I let it interfere with relationships that I had with two separate men. Both Mr.’s got wrong impressions of me. Mainly because there are parts that aren’t written down, parts that make me seem less neurotic. Instead they just read about themselves, became obsessed with what I was writing about them, what was I saying, what were people thinking… and as I saw it happening I blamed them. Why are they reading it? Why can’t they just leave it alone? When all along I should have looked at me and said- Why can’t I just not write about everything? Why do I need to express every little emotion and thought to the world… and I became just as obsessed as them, and even obsessed at knowing when they were reading it. And over the last few months I’ve had them both blow up in my face. Because your every thought and wish and dream and confusion shouldn’t be out there for all to read. There are things that are private. Things that don’t need to be expressed. And for really the first time in my life I have developed regrets. After living almost 30 years I have not really regretted anything in my life. Sure I would have preferred not to have taken the pictures that ended up on craigslist. Sure there are few paths that I would have taken differently. But all in all I’ve been very proud of my life and how I’ve lead it. But lately I haven’t done much to be proud of. And that is about to change. I’m about to change my life in ways that I can’t even imagine. One of them will be with the blog. Sure I’m still going to blog… but I’m moving it back to a site when I can control who reads it. Sure I’m still going to post here now and then… But if you are interested in continuing to know what goes on in my crazy, neurotic, dramatic world let me know and I will add you to the list of who can read the full blogs… And until next time. This is Hardt signing off….
Happy Holidays!!!
I started blogging a couple of years ago, but very sporadically. Just a blog here and there. Going maybe months without a new one, and then would have maybe 5 in a week. Many of my friends got use to hearing my sex-capades and my latest romantic attachments. When everything went down with Mr. Nakedbartender I moved all of them over to Blog Spot. I found myself very hurt, angry, confused, and unemployed all at the same time. So I blogged about it. Writing gave me something to look forward to every morning. More often than not I would get up, have my cup of coffee and sit down and write. In a way it made me feel like I had something to do, I had a job of sorts. It gave me a purpose. Slowly as I began to write down everything that was in my head, it made it easier for me to bring that over into my real life and I began to say everything that was in my head. Here was the girl who was unable to say I love you to her on and off boyfriend of 4 years and suddenly was able to say I love you and I miss you to everything and everyone. I became like the child in goodnight moon. I love you moon. I miss you bear. I love you room… and at first it was very liberating. I was able to say what I wanted. I was able to express emotions I had been repressing for years.. .and then it became too much. I was writing everything down. I didn’t care or didn’t see how it was affecting my life and my relationships. Suddenly people didn’t need to call and check up on me, they would just read the blogs. I would start to tell a story and hear oh I read that yesterday. When asked how I was doing I would just email off the link to the latest blog because it was easier than rehashing everything. And I put all of my emotions on paper regarding the boys I was dating. They were able to see into my head, see the neurotic me that needs to be hidden away. And I let it interfere with relationships that I had with two separate men. Both Mr.’s got wrong impressions of me. Mainly because there are parts that aren’t written down, parts that make me seem less neurotic. Instead they just read about themselves, became obsessed with what I was writing about them, what was I saying, what were people thinking… and as I saw it happening I blamed them. Why are they reading it? Why can’t they just leave it alone? When all along I should have looked at me and said- Why can’t I just not write about everything? Why do I need to express every little emotion and thought to the world… and I became just as obsessed as them, and even obsessed at knowing when they were reading it. And over the last few months I’ve had them both blow up in my face. Because your every thought and wish and dream and confusion shouldn’t be out there for all to read. There are things that are private. Things that don’t need to be expressed. And for really the first time in my life I have developed regrets. After living almost 30 years I have not really regretted anything in my life. Sure I would have preferred not to have taken the pictures that ended up on craigslist. Sure there are few paths that I would have taken differently. But all in all I’ve been very proud of my life and how I’ve lead it. But lately I haven’t done much to be proud of. And that is about to change. I’m about to change my life in ways that I can’t even imagine. One of them will be with the blog. Sure I’m still going to blog… but I’m moving it back to a site when I can control who reads it. Sure I’m still going to post here now and then… But if you are interested in continuing to know what goes on in my crazy, neurotic, dramatic world let me know and I will add you to the list of who can read the full blogs… And until next time. This is Hardt signing off….
Happy Holidays!!!
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