Just Nic.

My blog to me is personal. Now I know you probably laughed at that comment, especially seeing as it’s out there on the internet and for everyone to see. But it’s still my thoughts and feelings. Granted it’s an exaggeration of my thoughts and feelings. Never a lie, but there is about a 10% dramatization to make it more readable, and more enjoying. After all my life is fairly boring… and 90% of it is all me, raw me, honest me. When I first started blogging no one was really reading it so I was free giving away my address… but the more I blogged the more people started to read it, and the less free I started to be. I slowly started to take away the links. The links to my name. The links from my myspace page. The links from my facebook account. Slowly starting to chip away at who I am, and just leaving Hardt. This summer I really experience what it was like to date someone who has access to the blogs, he at first got a kick out of it and even posted comments about himself (and comments to people’s comments on him!)… Our only issue was at a wedding when he was outed for not only being a very prominent Mr, but for also being another very embarrassing one. He had me change his name so I could tell of a very very funny incident involving body wash and a bit of chaffing. But in the end I really hated that he was able to have access to my thoughts… especially when at times they were more dramatic than what they really were. After breaking up I said that I wouldn’t date anyone who knows about the blogs. But all the same I kept chugging away at the blogs, getting more and more use to having my day to day actions put into print. Writing about my dates. My sex-capades. Even my heartbreaks. But this week I learned that you can’t control who has access to your life… there are a couple of loop holes that do link my real life to my online one. I know them. Yet when I was asked repeatedly by someone this last week or so if there were links, I said no. Now that didn’t stop him from finding them… and it didn’t stop him from forwarding all my intimate thoughts on. Which wouldn’t seem like a betrayal to most, after all it’s already on the internet. But to me it really is… I don’t mind friends reading about my life (after all I tell them most of this stuff anyways), I don’t mind strangers knowing about my life (after all I know about so many strangers lives through there blogs it only seems fair that I reciprocate) but there is something about having other peoples friends read about your thoughts, and hopes and dreams… and the situation in which it was done just doesn’t sit well with me. I will not going into the specifics… both people have been reading the blogs and I don’t need to call them out… And I don’t know why he forwarded it on, or in what context it was…I can only imagine, and we all know I usually imagine the worst but for now this is Hardt signing off for a bit. And for the moment, leaving just a very exposed, raw and disappointed Nic.