Karmic Cleaning!

So today I got rid of some things from my past… part of my whole letting things go. And I have to say this one was hard… and did involve a few tears. Mainly because these are the memories that I choose to remember. Things I wanted to hold on to. It was the box of boyfriends past. The one that housed the pictures that were left. The movie ticket stubs. The plane ticket to Chicago. Letters sent. A champagne cork. A lone Disneyland ticket. A fortune gotten for 50 cents on the Santa Monica Pier. An Amtrack stub… all the good memories that when we were together I wanted to keep. And all the ones that were too hard to remember after things ended so they went into that box. Well today I pulled out the box and said goodbye to the ghosts of boyfriends past… It’s hard for me to remember the good times. Some days I can think of them and smile, some days I’m angry and some are just hard. Today it was hard because they were all there. Just staring at me. Taunting me. Saying remember me. Remember how much fun you had that night. Remember how hard you laughed. Remember how it felt to feel his skin against yours… just remember. Because you don’t have a box for the bad memories. Only the ones that made you fall in love with them in the first place. And the pictures of you two together. The ones you never look at. They aren’t on your facebook page. They aren’t in the frames around your room. They are hidden somewhere. Maybe on your computer. Maybe in that box. Someplace so you can’t look at them. Someplace where you won’t remember… and today I looked. Inside that box were those happy memories. The worst part was looking at me in them. Not the guys. But me. Because I not only remember how happy I was. But I can feel it just looking at me. Looking at that twinkle in my eye that is gone. In that smile that was just so bright that day… and the ones where you can see me watching him are the worst. They just kind of take my heart out and squeeze it just a bit… and so I took everything out of the box. I looked at it one more time. I held those memories. And then I threw them out… maybe by letting go of these moments I will be able to let go of these men in my past. Though right now I’m hoping to just not remember.

PS This not using another boy to get over the first kind of sucks! I know it’s going to be good for me in the end… but right now, SUCKS!