When Mr. Ex and I got together the second or maybe third time around we use to get into these little tiffs cuz I would make an excuse to sneak out before sunrise. I’d always leave about 6 and he never understood why I couldn’t just relax in bed with him for the morning. Part of it was that I was still pretty awkward at the morning after but part of it was I use to feel claustrophobic. He’s a full body snuggler and I would be practically smothered in my sleep. Luckily it’s something I outgrew and now I like nothing more than a great cuddle and to lay in bed all snuggly all morning. That being said I was shocked that at about 4 this morning I was wide awake and having practically a panic attack in Mr. FB’s bed. He too is a full body cuddler. In fact he even goes a step further and not only cuddles but nuzzles the back of my neck as I sleep. He’s also a human blanket and raises my temperature about 30 degrees when we sleep. But still we’ve been sleeping together on and off since January so it’s not like I wasn’t aware of any of this. But this morning for some reason it left me feeling very claustrophobic and wanting to run screaming from the bedroom. I didn’t. Instead I layed there for hours just thinking. Thinking about my life, and my loves and Mr. FB. And how did I get here. This girl who is once again afraid of intimacy. Now sex, that I’m not afraid of. That I love! But the intimacy of being held all night long, that petrifies me. I think it’s because I’m afraid of falling for someone again. I was 3 times burned last year and looking to not put my hand back in the fire again. And it’s not that Mr. FB and I don’t have a great time together. In fact when we are together everything is great. He talk, and laugh, and kid and I may even do a bit of gigging… But I know that as soon as I leave his bed that his mind goes somewhere else. And I think to someone else, but haven’t asked. Sure I wish we could go back in time to before Mr. Uni came between us. And before I wigged out on him. And before he closed himself off. But I can’t… and I think that last night laying there it just didn’t feel right anymore. This morning it passed and we giggled our way through him getting ready for work. He’s going to see Watchman with his office today since they did the marketing for it and he even did a little superhero run, complete with cape, to make me giggle. But sadly that giggle left me as soon as I step out that door… because even I know that this cannot last.
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I totally get this post. I was always the same way, too... I don't think it necessarily means you're afraid of intimacy. B and I are both not full-body snugglers, I don't think I could deal with that- way too hot! We will reach out every now and then, just to make sure the other's still there, and it's sweet. But beyond that? Too much!
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