Some memories are better left forgotten…

I’m in the process of getting my blogs together to get them published… which when I started to think about seemed like an easy process. After all, they already are all written, all posted and I’ve even gotten feed back on most of them. But what I didn’t take into account is that when it came time to editing and putting them together I would have to go back in time to when they were written. So many people have come in and out of my life, and so many ex’s have come and gone but trying to get back into the mindset of when I first met them, fell in love, had my heartbroken has been one of the toughest things for me… because really some memories and some feelings are better left behind. And with some of them it feels like my heart is breaking all over again…

That being said, I thought I would share with you a blog from roughly 3 years ago. Many of you have only started to read the blogs in the last couple of months… and I drop the names of many of my ex’s and always get people asking for a little more details about many of them… here is the one I’ve been trying to get through for the last couple of days. It’s taken me that long because it’s really hard to remind myself of who we use to be and the potential that I saw in him. Here is before Mr. Arizona broke my heart, before I learned that he got his current fiancé pregnant while we were still sleeping together, back when he was part of my family, when he had a standing seat at the dinner table for every holiday and before he walked out of my life for good. Let me take you back to November 2005:

THE WAITING GAME
November 25, 2005

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.ALEX KAREV- GRAY’S ANATOMY

Now I’m usually one for jumping into bed first and asking questions later… The whole principle of, if he is going to really want to date me than sleeping together is not going to change that. But you might be surprised that there is someone who I have waited for. In fact we waited exactly 2 years and 1 day to sleep together- not that I’m counting or anything ;) And let me just say that it was well worth the wait. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back two years…

Mr. Arizona and I had been hearing about each other for years… and we had it pounded into our heads that we were perfect for each other. Of course I was extremely doubtful. After all I had been told I was perfect for many guys and only ended up going on some of the worst blind dates of my life. So two years ago when he came to Thanksgiving I was in a relationship and he was living with his girlfriend so luckily it wasn’t a set up. But have you ever met someone that you just sparked with?! It’s hard to explain… But sometimes you met someone who you just click with, someone who you could see spending the rest of your life with. But we both were with people so we had a fantastic weekend of flirtation and that was it. Of course as soon as he was single he called, and I of course still wasn’t. And then I was single and he wasn’t. And so we went on. Always having bad timing… But a love affair began nun the less…

Which leads me to last year’s thanksgiving. Now last year I was going through the first (of many) break-up with Mr. Wyoming and wasn’t thinking straight. And he was back together with his girlfriend… But the moment he walked into the room I knew we were in trouble. We both knew it. Instead of that spark going away it had multiplied and was crackling between us…and after way too many shots we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. But that’s it… and since we live in different states that should have been the end of it. Of course it wasn’t. And over the last year we have seen each other a handful of times… Spent endless sleepless nights on the phone… texted each other gazillions of times…But every time we went out it’s been bad timing and we haven’t had sex. He eventually did break up with the girlfriend but things always got in the way and somehow I had become the "everything but" girl.

And then last Friday happened. We finally had the sex… and usually when you wait for something for so long it’s a complete disaster. But this time it wasn’t. The sexual tension added to that amazing chemistry and made the night fan-fucking-tastic… Now if we lived in the same city this would be the time when you would see “and they lived happily ever after”… But as we all know things don’t work out that way in real life. And seeing as I love LA and will probably never leave and he hates it here more than anything and even wants to move back to Wisconsin some day. Things are just never going to really work out between us. Now we will try like we always do… the text messages and late night chats have already started… plus a little phone sex to spice it up…. And we will still see each other on and off when I am back in Arizona but a true relationship can never happened. But in the end maybe that is the best way. Because instead of us hurting each other and ended up hating one another, now we will just have great memories… And one night of perfect sex to remember when we are old.

A letter to my younger self...

On my way home tonight I got to thinking about my life. How much it’s changed in the last year, five years, 10 years, 20 years… All the things I’ve learned, all the heartache, the accomplishments, all the love, the hate, the fights, the friendships. And I thought about how everything that seemed important at the time really means nothing now, but all the things that I brushed off and thought nothing of, now seem like the only things. It’s like one of my favorite songs says- Thank God for unanswered prayers! So I thought I’d sit down tonight with a glass of champagne and toast all the amazing things in my life and write a letter to my younger self… at 12, and 16, and 21, and even 28! Because the things I know now really would have changed my life.

To me,

You are going to lead an amazing life. The life of a gypsy. A queen. A pauper. A lover. A fighter… You are going to travel the world but at the same time you are going to find home. You will cry yourself to sleep many nights, but wake up with a smile on your face more mornings than not. You are going to fall in love too many times to count. In your young 20’s you will feel like the last virgin in the world. Don’t rush it, don’t worry about it, but buy yourself a vibrator early on- it really will help! You will eventually think you are in love with a friendly Brazilian and finally be ready for everything. You just need to try not to make him into what you want him to be. He’s not a prince, not husband material, has no boyfriend qualities- but he’s the right one. You will love him, though you really won’t be in love with him… but he will always be there when you need him. And will eventually teach you that you don’t need to be in relationships with the men in you life that you love. Because having a friend that will do anything for you is worth so much more than having someone to come home to every night. You are going to meet lots of guys after him, don’t stress over them. And try not to cry too much when they break your heart. They aren’t worth it. Though when you meet a certain boy from Arizona, run- he really isn’t worth the hassle. But in your late 20’s you are going to meet someone who you think is. And he will break your heart in more ways than you thought possible. But I can’t tell you not to go into that bar and meet him. In fact walk into Q’s and fall in love with him. Because in the end he will give you back something so much more than what he was worth. Because after the heartache you will realize something that you’ve taken for granted- the friendships in your life. Because the accomplishment that you will be most proud of will be the friends in your life. Because to be someone who is worth what they all will do for you when you are at your lowest is really someone special. And that’s something that none of these guys can take away from you. And in the end you will end up so much stronger. And this guy will change your life in ways that I am only now beginning to realize. He will make you ready to actually meet the one. Ready for kids. Ready to settle down. Ready to become the person your friends actually think you are. I wish I could tell you about the man that eventually will become the only man in your life. And although I haven’t met him yet, I know he’s out there. And when we meet him, I do know we will be thankful that we didn’t end up with any of the former men in our lives. And personally I don’t want to know about him yet, because I can’t wait for that first moment when I know that he will be the man we will spend the rest of our life with.

Over the years you will spend way too much time worrying about what people think. In high school you will meet guys who you think are gods. They aren’t. And in fact eventually they will just become old, balding, Buddha bellied humans. And there will be girls that you will look up and follow throughout high school. When you get out you will realize that they really were just big fish in a small pond. And the tables will turn at sometime, and you will become the woman that they follow. But pay attention to the friends that you do have. Many of them will leave your life right after school, but a few will stay with you forever. Those friends are worth it. I cant’ tell you which ones because you need to realize that for yourself. But don’t mourn the friends you lose… the ones you keep will make up for it.

In college you will try and spread your wings. Don’t go to Cozy Soup and Burger so much. Take a yoga class- you will LOVE it. Attend more classes, the sleep isn’t worth it and you have so much time later in life to sleep. Spend more time being young. You have your entire life to be a grown up. Play a little! At the end of Sophomore year you will meet a woman who will change your life. She will let you into her family, give you a place to stay whenever you need it (complete with housekeeper), teach you the importance of a martini and happy hour at 5 every day. But most importantly she will show you the kind of woman you can only hope to become. And when you leave New York you will think you don’t have enough time to keep in touch with her and her family that had become your own. And you will put it off and always think you have more time later. But you don’t. And you will lose her just when you probably could use her advice the most. And that’s when you will learn one of life’s most valuable lessons. Tell the ones that you love that you love them. Call them whenever you can. See them even when you think you have more important things to do. And never take for granted that they will always be there for you, because one day you will look for them and they will be gone. I can only hope that someday I will live up to her memory. But at the same time you will meet a boy that will change how you view men. And not in the way that you’d expect- but he will become the man that you can depend on most. And when he tries to back out of going to a Playwrights “hook up party” you will need to do everything in your power to make sure he goes. Because there he will meet the love of his life, who will become the second woman who will change your life. They will continually show you that there are such things as soul mates, teach you the meaning of friendship, and more importantly show you that blood does not determine your family. Because they will become your family. And make sure you keep your Tuesday nights free, because dinner with them will become the highlight of you week. And try and take to heart when they don’t like the boys in your life, and as much as you think they are wrong- they will tend to be right. But again that’s a lesson you will have to learn on your own.

After college you will move to Los Angeles by yourself. And that’s where you will truly find yourself. Try not to spend so much money. Try and enjoy life a little more. Take up surfing earlier it will come to be your savior. Don’t worry about missing New York and the people in it! Those that you love from school will move to you- Jonathan, Anne, Lisa, Brian they all will migrate west later on. This also is when you will start to find your career. You will flirt from job to job. But try not to let that get you down. You will do amazing things. You will meet the people that everyone else in the world only dreams about. But never lose that feeling you will have on your first film. The wonder, and excitement, and nervousness, and the feeling that you can take over the world. Keep that with you. You are going to learn to love champagne and soy. Trade cheese fries for hummus and carrots. You will learn to live on brie and mimosas. But at the same time a vegan meal will always make you salivate. You will finally get that body you’ve always wanted, not without going hungry and a lot of exercise. But it’s worth it. Kickboxing is the best way to get over a break up. And a run on the beach will always clear your head.

Take the criticism from your parents with a grain of salt. But remember that although they will always be your harshest critics, they also will become your biggest supporters. Try and show them that the path you lead is the only one for you. But at the same time remember that they do only want the best for you, and they only want you to have everything that they never imagined. Mom is going to get sick. But take her words of wisdom at the beginning as truth- Breast Cancer is not a life sentence. Because it’s not! But spend as much time with her as possible anyways! And Dad will give you a piece of advice that will help you later on, he will tell you that the outdoors and the sun will get right of anything that ails you. That is the truth. You feel and look better with a tan, so get outside and enjoy it!

And before you know it the strange land that is Los Angeles will become the home that you always imagined. You will meet amazing people. You will surround yourself with a group of friends that you can’t even imagine. They will be a hodgepodge of people that you’ve met over the years. Some are from Elementary School, some High School, some College, some from Universal, Warner Brothers, New Line, various Films and TV shows but they will become your family. Never doubt that they are there. And every time you think you are at your lowest, call one of them up. Without fail they will cheer you up and remind you just how great your life can be- usually with a mimosas or a shot but ALWAYS with a smile! But at the same time make sure you know when they need cheering up. You will be with them when your mom gets sick, when theirs do, through break ups, and heartache, and fights, and loss of jobs, loss of pets, and mid-20’s crisis, and weddings, and funerals, and movie premieres and more events and days than you can imagine!

Just remember through everything you are going through- you will lead a truly extraordinary life. Get out and enjoy it. You are going to stumble many times but always get up better and stronger. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't worry too much about your looks, you will grow into them. Learn to love your nose, because you will break it and actually miss the one you had! Laugh as much as possible! And if you ever need anything just know that I’m right here going through it all with you!

Me.