Goodbye my hopeless dream.

Yesterday I had my weekly dinner with friends from College. Now usually I look forward to our dinner more than you can imagine. It’s nice and relaxing, I get a great meal (plus alcohol to match), watch some horrible TV, cuddle with my little boyfriend Aidan… all in all usually a perfect Tuesday Night. Now this Tuesday I was a little tired, a little disappointed and maybe just a bit sad. So when I found out another close friend was coming with her son I actually called my Mom to find out how rude it would be if I canceled at the last minute… and it’s not that I didn’t want to see them all, in fact the 3 of them are amongst my closest friends. The ones I call in case of emergency, when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to drink away the blues with. It’s just that as a group they can be a bit much for me sometime. Because sometimes I don’t want to spend my only night off with a couple of very loud, very active kids talking about very loud and very active kids. Sometimes I just don’t want to be reminded that yes I don’t have one… One of the many “memorable quotes of nights” was when I was TOLD repeatedly that I needed to have one right away and even so much that when it was found out that I had to take a very large dose of birth control this week I was told well I need to just stop taking the pill. To which I only have to say- I don’t want kids right now, so it’s not cool to constantly tell me that I NEED to have them… especially when you know that I am currently single so having a child would be just a tad hard! It’s kind of like rubbing salt in the wound. And when I had tried to express that I was just too tired to be around multiple kids last night I was told that maybe I hate kids, that I was just too hungover, over-sexed, over-emotional… oh the list goes on! Actually the truth of the matter was I was just sick of being told how my life should be, who I should date, who I shouldn’t date, how I’m shooting myself in the foot with my current romantic choices, what I should be doing and how I’m falling behind with the life that I need to be leading.

And I know my closest friends are just trying to be helpful, but sometimes I just can’t take it. I don’t like being reminded that I have a “Non-boyfriend” (their term not mine but it does kind of fit). Especially seeing as I sent him a text message last night during my fit of I can’t take this insanity, which shockingly once again didn’t get answered… And I still am trying to live down their setting me up with Mr. C&O, which they only did because he liked kids and they think that I need to just stop tilting at windmills… but they don’t have to worry because Don Quixote might have seen the errors of her ways and will be having drinks with Mr. C tomorrow… Not a date, just friendly drinks. I’m not looking for romance out of him, but sometimes it’s just nice to come home to a text message asking me how my day was.

And maybe I’ve been pushing certain aspects in my life (and certain people in them- AKA Mr. Green) because I do want what they all have. I do want to be the second half of that couple. I do want that white picket fence. I do want that dog barking in the distance. And eventually I do want that baby crying in the background… and I know that I’m supposed to want those things now. And I’m supposed to be on that path that everyone is very happily walking along… but the truth of the matter is I’m not. And recently I’ve realized that I don’t want them right now… yea I’d like to have someone to come home to at the end of the day. But right now I’d be happy just coming home to him, have crazy sex on our kitchen table and ordering a pizza… sure it’s not the ideal family life. Maybe I’m not Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray right now, but really do I need to be? And yea eventually there will be a kid in that picture- but right now I’m just not ready for that! And sometimes I just need people to respect that.