So it takes me awhile to process things…. And while I have a quick temper and am rash (and often regret my impulsive decisions) I do let ideas bounce around in my head for a bit. And often it helps to write things down… and seeing as I’m over the age of 6 a diary really isn’t an option. So I turned to blogging. And I love it… but at the same time I’ve learned to hate having my thoughts out there. Letting people have access to every little thing that I think and do. And at first it was a great idea. Because I am unapologetically me. I know I can be grumpy at times, but on the flip side I also am loving to a fault. I pick apart people, but also forgive them for anything and everything. I’m loud, abrasive, I say whatever comes to my mind, I don’t play games, and I have an energy that drives most people crazy. I’m basically just me. And like all of you I’ve been on a quest to find someone who loves the real me. Not the girl playing a game. And not the girl who’s trying to please. But the girl who is just me. Well turns out maybe the me that I love, isn’t the girl who can be loved. Just a thought on this dreary Thursday… that maybe I’m just a little too me. I think it didn’t help to have some of my faults pointed out to me last night because we all know I let those thoughts into my head and then they won’t disappear… And maybe I am totally a gluten for punishment because yea I’m curious about the other list of reasons why he doesn’t want to be with me- I was told he was trying to be “gentle” and didn’t give me everything he hates about me. Which I say is just bullshit. If you want to tell me what’s wrong with me, then just say everything. Did he really think that is would hurt less to tell me a few of my faults and only hint at the others?! Now this isn’t about being mean or vindictive… I have no desire to write I-hate-Mr.-Green.com, and although I am upset, I don’t hate him. And have no desire to list reasons why I shouldn’t want to be with him… But for just once I wish I wasn’t the only one who was hurt in the end… because from where I’m sitting it was just too easy for him to walk away. Whereas I miss a friend, he probably will not even notice my absence from his bed, in fact I’m sure he’s already arranged ways to fill it…
And I know it didn’t help to put out life our on the Internet like I did… and it didn’t help that he could read my every thought. It gave him an ego that he shouldn’t have had, and made me look like the fool more often than not. So I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to take my thoughts off line and put them back into my head. Keep checking back because I’m sure eventually I’ll change my mind…maybe I’ll have a guest blogger. Or just take a trip down memory lane to my early life in blogging. But for now I will say- see you soon…
And I know it didn’t help to put out life our on the Internet like I did… and it didn’t help that he could read my every thought. It gave him an ego that he shouldn’t have had, and made me look like the fool more often than not. So I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to take my thoughts off line and put them back into my head. Keep checking back because I’m sure eventually I’ll change my mind…maybe I’ll have a guest blogger. Or just take a trip down memory lane to my early life in blogging. But for now I will say- see you soon…
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