The future Mrs. Scottsdale Trophy Wife.

Last night I went out with Mr. Neighbor… yea I know, adding another man to the mix. I swear to God it’s like moths to a flame lately (though my mom is starting to think it’s more like lambs to the slaughter!) I don’t think I’ve ever dated this much, in fact it’s getting pretty ridiculous. This was my third date in a week! I’m dating exhausted… but that’s not the point of the story, let me get back to Mr. Neighbor. Now Mr. N’s parents have lived next door to mine for 10 years now. So we’ve seen each other in passing. And he has a 7 year old daughter who is in love with my dad more than you can imagine. So every time they come to visit her grandma they call over to my parents to see if she can also come over and play with Chuck. But in the past 10 years I don’t think I’ve had more than a handful of conversations with him so when he called this week I was a little taken aback, and that’s an understatement. In fact when he called I thought he was going to ask me to babysit, so when he suggested taking me out to dinner I was quite in shock. As was my mother who was crying she was laughing so hard. And don’t get me wrong he’s very nice, in his mid 30’s, attractive, has a nice body, has a great job… but when it comes down to it just not my type. But as I was a little shell shocked when he asked I agreed to dinner. In fact I think my actual response was: “Um, Ok?”

But actually last night turned out to be really nice. I didn’t think that we would have much in common but turns out that we both share a love for wine and Ohio Football, and oddly enough that kept us talking for most of the night. What I had assumed to be just dinner ended up being dinner and then a really cool jazz wine bar… and the evening ended a surprisingly short 6 hours later. And I have to say it was nice to have someone take me out and make a reservation (instead of take out!). And after all the doubt with my love life lately it was really nice to sit down and have someone tell me how amazing I look (he’s seen me at my WORST and was very polite about it saying well not that you didn’t look great before but you really look amazing now) and to have dinner with someone who appreciates just how much fun I can be. So all in all it was great wine, good food, and fun company. And maybe there wasn’t a love match… But I wasn’t look for one. As I’ve mentioned before there is someone who is a possible love match back in Los Angeles (and yes it’s still too soon for me to give too many details. I learned my lesson last time! You guys will just have to guess which Mr. has been stealing my heart! Hint he is mentioned in the blogs). But what I left with was a fun new friend to hang out with when I’m in town. He wants to get together when I’m back in a couple of weeks, and that I’m more than ok with.

Midgets, Wheels O Alcohol and 40’s…

I haven’t done a bar review on my other blog for a couple of months now… but the bar from last night really deserved getting a write up. First you have to know that I have a tendency to get into trouble when I get into Arizona. Mainly because Mr. Arizona and I use to party the weekends away (oh the memories!). And we had our bar (Handle Bar J’s) that we went to every time, but we also have a selection of additional bars that we would rotate in (Dirty Dogs, Dos Gringos, Sugar Daddies, Martini Ranch) so it’s not surprising that I’ve had a hard time going to those places without him. Just too many memories of the tow of us. So last night when Jamie suggested a different bar I was all for it, and boy was I glad that I did! So here is my review of naughtiest bar in Scottsdale- Gilligan’s Sand Bar.

Location- 4 Shots. Just off of Scottsdale Road and located right in the middle of Old Town Scottsdale this place has a perfect location. Great for after dinner or before heading down to the road to Dos Gringos. Plus I was able to get rock star parking out front so I was very happy!

Atmosphere- 4 shots. When you first walk in it looks like any other dive bar. Until you start to look around. There is the “shot” corner that is manned by midgets (I KID YOU NOT). There are two separate wheels, one that is just a wheel o booze and the other one that is a wheel o shots. There are two beer pong tables in the back corner. A man in an Obama Mask… oh the list goes on and on with the craziness of this bar. The only thing that was missing was a Beer Louge though I wouldn’t put it past them!

Drinks- 4 shots. Alcohol is cheap… they have multiple beer in UBER LARGE SIZE for only 7 dollars and pitchers for 7.50! Plus if you want to try the wheel o shots it’s only 3 dollars for a shot or 7 dollars for 3!!! Add the 99 cent Jello shots and you have all the ingredients for a really drunken fun night!

Food- 4 shots. The food was large, comforting, fattening, and cheap! If you are looking for something healthy than this is not the place for you. But if you are drunk and looking for some really damn good cheese fries than head on over! No kidding when I say that plate of fries was the size of a large TV.

Bartenders- 4 Shots. Although I didn’t try any mix drinks there were some attractive bartenders and I have to say they were entertaining. There was a microphone and they were yelling totally non-pc insulting things (kind of reminded me of Dicks but EXTREME)… and since I was never picked on I thought it was pretty damn funny!

All in all I have to say a pretty funny evening… and you know it was a fun night when I made quite a few drunken calls and text messages. Sorry to all of you that got the holy goodness it’s a midget ones… Thanks Jamie for a new fun place to visit when I’m in town. And next trip I plan on seeing you all out there spinning that wheel with me and the midgets!

Life of a Standby Traveler on the busiest day of the year… AKA Hardt Hates Holiday Travel

4:30am Alarm goes off
4:35am Coffee
4:45am Second Cup of Coffee
5:30am Arrive at airport. Excited because there is no line at the kiosk so I can check in right away. Insert credit card into the machine- NO RESERVATION it says. Ok, I try looking it up by last name- NO RESERVATION it says. So I proceed directly to the ticket counter. YAY a reservation, turns out my mom couldn’t spell our last name right, it was just hart.
5:45am Stand in the longest line ever for security. Outside. Smack dab in the middle of a puddle. In the rain. With no umbrella. Yea I can already tell this is going to be a great day.
6:00am Make it through security, but am the asshole in the security line that forgot my cell phone in my pocket. Hold up line. Currently everyone is loving me!
6:30am First oversold flight takes off without me. Not a seat to be had… and of course all the monitors are out so I have to treck back through security to find out where my next gate is.
8:00am Third oversold flight of the day takes off, yea you can see a pattern here. Though have been enjoying watching all the angry people at the airport. Who can be this angry at only 8 in the morning! Though I have to say I don’t think it is wise to be an asshole to the ticket agents, especially if you are the one who is an hour late for your flight. But of course he got the last seat on the plan so maybe there is something to this yelling thing after all! Officially hate holiday travel!
8:15am Sitting outside waiting for Super Shuttle to take me from LAX to John Wayne Airport in Orange County. There is a seat on a plane for me...YAY!
8:20am Wondering if it’s too early for a drink?
8:30am Finally on the shuttle bus and we are listening to Christmas music. Things are looking up!
10:00am At John Wayne Airport, FINALLY. 2nd Airport. 2nd Security check point. And a new observation- these new divisions for security check points (family, casual and expert) really do not work. At both airports this morning the shortest lines were the family and liquid lines, and the longest lines were the expert traveler one (and everyone except me had liquids. To which I say- READ THE FREAKIN SIGNS PEOPLE!). But on a bright note I managed to gash my wrist with the ring I am wearing, so now am dripping blood and look like I attempted to kill myself!
11:11am Finally on airplane… getting very very sleepy… nap time!
11:30am Woken up from nap by the most insane turbulence. Half asleep but hear call button and emergency… at this point I’m ready to assume my position with my head between my legs and say a few hail marys if necessary.
1:15pm Finally off the airplane. Kiss the ground in Phoenix and am stumbling to the bar…

Happy Holidays to everyone! This blog was in place of my very hurt and finally very furious one. I realized that as much as I’d like to publish that blog I know I shouldn’t do it while I’m still mad (and boy am I finally ever mad)… and although everyone thinks it’s time that I finally say what I really think (instead of just taking all the shit that had been given to me) and although at first it seemed really good to be able to air the non-edited, non-better person, non-push over blog… I realized in the spirit of the holidays I won’t. Because really in the long run, he so isn’t worth my time. And yes he still reads the blogs at an alarming rate (and no that’s not the reason that I’m not going to give him the good tongue lashing that he deserves). And yes it would feel good for that moment, but in the long run that’s not who I am. I’m not vindictive. I’m not mean. And yes there is part of me that doesn't want him to even know that I do occasionally still think of him, because despite his obsessive checking of my blog just to see if he's still making an appearance I know that he doesn't still think of me... And sometimes you just have to let go… and I think I finally have.

Fuck Buddy. Friend or Foe?!?!

I have to say it’s been a very interesting weekend… full of fun, surprises, propositions, and laughter… It’s been the first weekend in a really long time that I really felt like myself again. And I have a few people to thank for that, some old friends, some new friends, and even one really old friend. Sometimes when you are down you just need to go back to your roots a bit… and boy did I ever go back to my roots. My San Diego roots. Back to the days when the most stressful thing was a play rehearsal. And Saturday nights were spent at Soma listening to Buck-O-Nine and Aqua Bats. To when hooking up meant kissing (and sorry boys but I still am sticking with what I said last night- hooking up still means kissing!). And back in the days when we were all home by midnight because of curfew (and not because we had hit 7 bars in less than 12 hours!).

But of course with the ups there was a bit of a down. And as we know there are many ways to make me feel like shit lately.One of them is to suggest we become fuck buddies. It’s one thing to want to date and then have sex with me. But to actually say you don’t know if you want to date me but damn you want to fuck me. Now that’s a little insulting. And yes we know I’ve settled for that in the past (and haven’t we all at some point)… but really if you don’t want all of me you shouldn’t be able to get any of me. That’s the how strongly I feel about this at the moment. And sure I’m a flirt… and I will flirt and tease back with the best of them. Because hell yea that’s fun… but when it comes down to it I’m looking for a bit more. You may ask where this rant came from… well lets just say I’ve had some interesting propositions lately. And luckily (and some might find shockingly) I have found someone who wants to give me everything that I want so it’s easy for me to sit on my high horse and say sorry kids all those illicit propositions I don’t need them… I think maybe that’s why these seem even more ridiculous. Hell I even was propositioned by a friend of someone I had been dating… which the only thing I have to say is this (and yes Peanut Gallery- YOU WARNED ME) but nothing tells you how little you meant to someone when their friends start asking you out… Flattering at first, yes. But I have to say the idea of just passing around someone is really kind of insulting… shame on you boys. And yes I said boys because there has been more than just one of this particular Mr.’s friends that have seen fit to let me know that they are more than willing to fill his shoes… But luckily for me I’ve traded in for a new pair… and these new shoes are fitting me just perfectly!

Pitchers. Shots. Shooters. And more… (Go Buckeyes!)

Yesterday afternoon I had plans to watch the college football games with Mr. Uni and some of his guy friends, who we will call Michigan, Sir Marks-A-lot and Brooding. There was a 4th but really he made no impression on me and we left him at one of the bars anyways… and although most girls would think that spending a Saturday afternoon with 5 drunken guys watching football was one of the top levels of hell, I think of that as paradise. So off I was… on a little adventure. And boy did I find it… Here is a play by play of last night, or at least what I remember of it. And yes sadly there are some points that are a little blurry!

Bar #1- The Shack
Now the Shack was my pick for afternoon bar mainly because it’s an Ohio State Bar (go Buckeyes) but looking back it probably wasn’t the wisest choice seeing as I sent in there a group of not only Michigan fans but a former Michigan football player. Needless to say they got called out of the bar pretty much on entry.

Bar #2- Sonny McLean’s.
Happens to be caddy corner from The Shack so it was the logical next choice. At that point I became well acquainted with Michigan and Sir Marks-a-lot and their tactic of picking up women. Sir Marks-a-lot has a sharpie and Michigan has two arms that he asks woman to draw on. I kid you not! At that point I realize that they have been drinking non-stop since the 9am kickoff of the Ohio-Michigan game. So my choice was to sit there and be annoyed or to catch up. I’m sure you can guess which one I choose. And a pitcher of beer later I was starting to enjoy watching them get turned down…

Bar #3- Busbys
Now this is where the day starts to get a bit fuzzy. Mind you it’s not even 5 at this point and already we are on our way to getting trashed. And what better way than with lots and lots of shots and shooters… oh yes my friend this is where judgment goes out the window. I had to know I was in for trouble when after our 4th round of shots in about a half hour Mr. Uni turns to me and says- ok from this point on I can’t be held accountable for what happens… um ok. And of course you guessed it. This is where both of us seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to make out. At. A. Bar. Oh don’t snicker, you know you’ve been there before! Now this is where we met up with Miss Lip. Yay another girl…but of course she was very nice but not much of a personality. So much that when we left Busbys to drop off Sir Marks-a-lot to change it wasn’t until we were at his place did we realize we had left her at the bar and had to go back. Once again, I kid you not!

Michigan’s Apartment
Needing a break from the bars at around 7 we went back to Michigan’s Apartment where of course you guessed it, had more booze. And of course got to christen the couch ;) There also was a little freestyle be-bopping with the neighbors on the way out… yes it really was one of the most random nights I’ve had in a long time!

Bar #4- South
One of my favorites so you know this bar of course had to make an appearance. And now this is the part of the evening when Michigan thought I too needed a tattoo so yes I woke up this morning and was like why the hell do I have Zonie written on my arm! Now after some dancing and some more kissing we were off to another bar. But not before we ran into Miss High School. Now this was the part of the evening that I actually found really amusing. We sat there and watched her attach herself to Mr. Uni. But while I was like ok I don’t need to compete. After all it wasn’t like I had to guess which one he wanted to go home with… But his friends and Miss Lip were very upset by her. Michigan came over to me and was like who is she and why is she all over Mr. Uni. You obviously are “his girl” and it’s crazy how into you he is so why is he even bothering with her. His words not mine. But at this point I just laughed… So Michigan and Miss Lip decided we needed to head out to another bar in order to ditch her. Though at the same time we lost the rest of their friends. We think they were still at the bar but really we were all so drunk it didn’t matter! So off we go without Miss High School.

Jack In The Box
We had been drinking all day so of course I needed food in my stomach to drink some more!!! Sourdough Jack you really are my GOD!

Bar #5- The gaslite
Karaoke bar. Enough said.

Bar #6- The Parlor
Way too long of a line. We give up and head home.

Now we all know that when I drink I shouldn’t be allowed to be in possession of the phone… so on the way back to my place I ended up in fun drunk text conversations with both Mr. Green Sr. and Mr. Green Sr.’s Former Roommate (GSFM)… How I miss my San Diego boys who both were just as trashed as I was. Good to know I’m not the only drunk out there on my Saturday night! And even a 3am text message from Mr. Baby R… goodness the drunken texts sure were flying last night!

So here I sit on my Sunday afternoon a little bit hungover, ok maybe a lot hungover still laughing at the events of last night. Sure there are parts I’ve forgotten, and you know there are parts that I can’t (or should I say won't) put into the blog but for the most part those were the basics of last night. And I take one thing from this experience, I might be able to hang with the boys, though I probably shouldn’t… but damn was it ever fun!

Sometimes we just need some rose colored glasses

This morning while trying to put the final touches on a new blog (top 10 reasons why unemployment sucks) I started to poke around on the Internet and found an article that horrified me. A college student committed suicide live on a web cam over the weekend. Now I’m not going to link the website (in which the camera was only turned off when the police arrived to already find him dead) because I don’t think this guy deserves any more publicity. But here’s the thing, he not only died on camera but there were people that actually watched and were making comments on it while it was happening. And that’s the part that horrifies me the most. The fact that all these people had the ability to save this young kids life and instead they took time to make jokes and debate if he really had taken enough pills to die. I can’t imagine what this kid was going through, but obviously it was a cry for help and he was hoping that someone would save him. And no one cared enough about another human’s life to do anything about it. Mind you there were some that eventually did call the police, but only after it was too late. 12 hours after he said he was going to kill himself. And the website administrators were finally notified and were the ones to deal with the police. But you would think that they would have shut down the site, but no they not only allowed it to continue as people watching a college student already dead but they now have published photos and the video of what happened. The entire thing just disgust me on so many levels

It really got me to thinking that there is just so much negativity in the world. So much cynicism. So much narcissism… really sometime all we need is just a hug and to be told everything is going to be all right. Well I can’t tell you that… and I don’t think my virtual hug is going to help much… so instead of my sarcastic tongue and cheek blog I was writing I’m going to post something a little different. Here is a list of everything that makes me smile. Ok it’s a little sappy. But sometimes we just need to turn up the optimism. So sitting here on my Saturday morning here’s everything that can bring a smile to my face. Maybe it will bring one to yours too. Maybe you will just sneer at it. Who knows. But for me, I’m going out with a grin!

- Evenings with my girlfriends full of laughter, wine, and cheese (Love you Janice, you rock!)
- Sex on a lazy Saturday morning… Mmmmm enough said on that one!
- Afternoons spent on the beach with just a surfboard and a beer.
- A Hug from my mother
- A good book on a rainy afternoon
- Bruises and bite marks after a good weekend :)
- Sunday evenings spent in front of a fire, with a movie and someone to cuddle with.
- Saying I love you, and meaning it!
- The beep of a text message
- The first kiss, that really good one.
- A good debate.
- Cards in the mail. I get so much junk mail so that when someone sends me a card I’m in heaven… and if it’s a postcard from an exotic locale I will love them forever.
- Holding hands walking down the street
- Being able to fit into a size jeans smaller than the last I bought
- Shoes. Best way to cheer me up is take me shoe shopping. Just put me in a pair of fuck me heels and I’m sold!
- Mimosas. Any day of the week!
- A good scary movie and someone whose lap I can jump into when I’m scared.
- When someone kisses the back of my shoulder when I’m sleeping…
- Skinny dipping.
- Watching the sun set over the ocean. Any ocean.
- A new hit on my blog.
- My camera… damn do I ever love taking pictures!
- Kickboxing. There is something about boxing all your demons out that really makes me smile!
- Finding 5 dollars in last years winter coat
- Getting a person on the phone instead of a recording when you call customer service.
- And pretty much anything involving my family and friends!!!

So go forth on your Saturday and smile to your hearts desire because there always is tomorrow to be cynical and jaded. Why not spend one day with your rose colored glasses on!

A Single girl. And her pheromones.

It seems guys can sense when you are looking for a relationship… they also can sense when you are not. It’s this weird 6th sense radar kind of thing that I can’t explain let alone understand. These last 2 weeks I have eerily become more and more aware of it. After a tumultuous year (to say the least!) I have been kind of looking forward to settling down with myself and figuring out my life. Ok maybe not LOOKING forward to it as much as it’s been thrust on me, but it is time to make some changes. And trying to avoid a third disaster in 2008 I figured I needed to go along this path without the help of a boy… well turns out the fates are laughing at me now. Because right now it is the wrong time to meet someone and it seems that men are being thrown at me left and right. Cute guy at the gym that I always see- of course he wants to take me to dinner. Bar owner at one of my favorite bars that I like to flirt with- oh right you want to take me out for drinks one night when you aren’t working. Mr. Ex whom I have finally settled into a very satisfying non-relationship with, you want to make some changes to that too… I kid you not it seems like everywhere I turn I’m meeting someone. The phone is beeping with text messages constantly, always from a guy wanting to know what I’m up to tonight, what am I doing this weekend… and I have to say if I wasn’t so miserable I would actually be enjoying it. Ok maybe I am enjoying it a bit. But the only thing I have to say to the fates is this, where was this a month ago? Where was this in August?

The sad thing is that there is one who has brought the smile back to my face in the last couple of weeks… one who for a long list of reasons I cannot (though really want to) date. One who very much has his light on. And I have to say it kind of sucks. Because finally all the right guys are being thrust at me and for once it’s me that’s not ready… Looks like for once I’m the one whose light is not on! And that is just plain frustrating!

Rejections and Roses

I’ve spent the last couple of days looking intensely for a job. Ok lets be honest I’ve spent the last 9 months looking for a job. There I’ve said it, it’s been 9 months without a job. Yes I’ve found in between jobs… I’ve temped, bartender, taught swim lessons, taught surf lessons, sold half of my worldly (and not so worldly possessions). It’s weird to think I’ve been out of work this long. And I think day by day I’m slowly going crazy. I annoy all my friends endlessly with my constant emails and im’s and facebook messages. Not to mention status updates and blogs. But when you have tons of time to kill every day what else are you going to be doing but obsess endlessly about little things… and every little thing- over and over and over again. Sorry guys, I’m going to try harder- I PROMISE. So I though I would start a weekly Who Hates Hardt post… here are the companies that have rejected me recently (and these are only the ones I’ve interview with because if I was to post all the ones I have sent resumes to I think we would be here until Spring!)

1) CBS Programming. Well technically they haven’t rejected me (yet) just postponed our interview a week. But if they really wanted me to work for them they would have wanted me to come in this week- not next!
2) The Office. And actually this is my 2nd time being rejected from them. If they call me for a 3rd position I’m saying NO! I was actually told in the interview that they couldn’t hire me because I had TOO MUCH EXPERIENCE.
3) Lie to Me. They seemed to love me. Asked me to come in for a second interview and they would call me later in the day with the time. Never called. I emailed to check up and they said they already hired someone.
4) A Dive bar in Redondo Beach. Turns out I don’t have enough Bartending experience… come on people I’m beginning to feel like Goldi-freakin-locks!
5) Executive Producer of former hit fox comedy that is now being made into a hit Sony Picture. Ok this one I haven’t officially been rejected from yet so I can’t put what show it actually is, but I’m losing hope here so assuming I won’t get the job.
6) Very Famous Film Producer. But would have to relocate to Georgia and was a little wary on what he expects from his assistant that he wants to pay almost $100,000 for!

Well that’s all for now… though with more interviews set up I’m sure we can add more rejections to the pile.

A Public Apology

Dear Everyone,

I got a comment yesterday on my other blog (www.hollywoodcocktailsanddreams.com) asking why I had stopped blogging. I use to have a Happy Hour of the Week trying out new bars and then suddenly I lost my spark for it. Over the last couple of months I’ve tried to pick it back up and I just haven’t been able to. And I really don’t know why not. It just seems like in the last couple of months I’ve just lost hope. And for some reason drinking half prices margaritas on the beach and writing about it was somehow painful. Yea I know I’m a little crazy, but that’s why you all love me. And I just couldn’t seem to get out of this funk. And the more I couldn’t get out of this funk the less I was able to write about drinking and good times. And then I started to go back and forth to San Diego all the time and it seemed that that was all I could think about. And yes we all go into our head sometimes and leave reality… well lets just say Hardt checked out for a bit. And it’s not something I’m proud off… and it’s taken me these last couple of weeks to look back on all that’s happened the last couple of months (personal, professionally, romantically) and really just get that swift kick in the head that I needed. I’ve become not only a person I don’t recognize but one that I really don’t like that much. So I am using this as my public apology to my friends and my readers. For my readers- I’m sorry you’ve had to read about me drone on and on about my life- usually the same thing day in and day out (No Job, No Money, Why doesn’t he want to be with me, Is my stomach getting bigger, bla bla bla bla)…I know I’ve lost my spark but it’s slowly coming back and I think you will be happy for the changes to come! And for my Friends- I can’t apologize enough for all those nights you’ve had to listen to me drone on and on, all those episodes of crying (I think breaking into tears in the middle of kickboxing really was the low point!), rehashing the same problems over and over and fixating on the wrong ones. I know I’ve been impossible to be with and have taken you guys for granted one too many times. But you guys have been there with liquor, food, theatre tickets, spa days, work out sessions, nights on the town flirting, places to crash, sex, hugs, you name it and you’ve come through the last couple of months. And all I have left to say is this- I’M BACK. I’m still numb to a lot of things in my life and I’m sure I will have a set back (or two) but I’m ready to make some serious changes. Now sadly those changes may be in Phoenix (I sure hope not but more details to come) but I think I’m ready for them. Hopefully in the weeks to come I can remind you why you fell in love with me in the first place. Feel free to join me on the beach for margaritas or even just enjoy reading about it… because it’s not just happy hour of the week it’s going to be happy Hardt, all the time!

You loving,
Hardt

PS And for those haters out there who don’t really love Hardt… all I can say is this- you don’t have to read the blogs. If you don’t like what I have to say- don’t read them. If you really don’t like who I am- Don’t read them. And if the only reason you read them is to see your own name in print- please don’t read them. I pour my heart and soul out on these pages, and they may seem petty, or trivial, or pathetic to some. The maybe be something you laugh over and forward to your buddies... But hey it’s my heart… please don’t trample on it anymore. But on the other hand if you do love Hardt and do care about my trivial, petty, and pathetic day to day life- Read. Enjoy. Love.

My first hate mail!

“Shut up drink wench and get me another drink. Fucking slag!”
Mr. Hater

So yesterday I got my first hate mail… kind of exciting! Now of course I’ve gotten “reviews” on things I’ve written about, many of my friends like to point out my numerous spelling errors and a few have commenting that they didn’t like the way they were portrayed. But all around I’ve only gotten positive feedback. So it was a little off putting yesterday to get a short email from someone I don’t know about a blog that was not controversial (Hardts Bar Ettiquite) and the email was just so eloquent I thought you could benefit from his wisdom, so I thought- why not post his loverly 2 lines complete with his photo… because seriously if you are going to call me a “fucking slag ” and include your photo you can be damn sure I’m going to post it! So I give you Mr. Hater:

Hardt to the rescue!

In between drinks with Mr. Distraction and waiting for Mr. Ex to get off of work I decided to spend my free hour at the gym. Yea I know you can yell at me now for double booking my evening. But in my defense Mr. Distraction knows the score and spent two nights this week listening to me drone on and on about someone else. So really there was only one Mr. tonight… and lately Mr. Ex has turned into a bit more than I thought it would be. Which is really nice and really scary at the same time… though I have to say it’s also really nice to have someone wake me up in the mornings for morning sex (Oh how I’ve missed that!) but I digress… back to the gym. So there I was working out my daemons, which I’ve had a tendency to do. And 30 minutes and a little over 4 miles later I could feel them being exorcised I noticed the woman next to me was making little squeaking sounds. When I looked over she looked like one of those cartoons with her feet going so fast, it was almost like the roadrunner. Complete with little beep beep noises. Except that when I took out my headphones I noticed that it wasn’t beep beep coming out of her mouth but help me help me. I of course asked the obvious, Um are you ok. She looked at me like here’s you sign… but calmly said no I can’t stop. So I reached over and pulled the emergency stop button for her and then calmly continued on my run. Though really it was more of a sprint tonight… I couldn’t get the machine to go fast enough for me tonight, though that’s probably good because it seemed like every time I got under a 9-minute mile my pants would start to fall off. Turns out if you add double workouts and little to no food due to stress and constant nausea you will lose double the amount of weight. So after my 5 miles I decided to take my newly tight ass body and my lifesaving skills and treat them to a nice cup of frozen yogurt. After all, I’m going to need a little energy if I want to make it through my second workout tonight :)

Hardts Bar Etiquette

A bartender: A noun. A person who mixes drinks at a bar.

A Stripper: A noun. A person who strips or performs a striptease.

A Hooker: A noun. A prostitute.

I think the time has come to point out to people that there is a difference, a very large difference between A Bartender, A Stripper, And a Hooker. Now I know that most people would be able to see a difference right away. One being that I neither show my breasts nor have sex with my customers but somehow people have gotten confused. That being said here is my list Bar Etiquette… somehow people seem to have forgotten the basics.

-Your bartender/server/host/busboy is probably making minimum wage and relies heavily on your tips. Now I know that you say you do not get tips at your job. And that’s fine, but I’m also pretty sure you get paid more than 8-10 dollars an hour, have health insurance, paid sick days, 2 weeks vacation and don’t get harassed on an hourly basis. So here’s the thing, if you do not believe in tipping- then you shouldn’t be drinking at a bar! Generally it should be a dollar a drink. Now when you buy a beer for 3.50, it is nice if you just give the 1.50 as a tip but 1 dollar would be fine, 50 cents IS NOT acceptable. Now if you are drinking multiple rounds, keep tipping! Unless you want to give 20 dollars as your first tip it is not acceptable to think after giving your measly dollar you don’t have to tip for the rest of the evening.

-Even if your drink is free- you still have to tip. Even if think the bartender is your best friend- you still have to tip. A class act is the owners of the bar I work at- when they come in and order they still tip me every time! The thing to remember is you still have to tip. So if I hand you your change and you walk away you better bet I’m putting a voodoo curse on your cheap ass.

-If you want an evening at a strip club that’s your choice. Yet when you walk into a sports bar DO NOT EVER ask the bartender or waitress to show you their breasts. That is not acceptable EVER.

-I have a name, though I understand you not knowing it. And that’s fine. If you want my attention and feel the need to scream across the bar a simple Miss will work. Bartender, Hey You, Wench (I kid you not I got that one last night), Honey, Sexy, Sugar- none of those are proper names to call someone. It is also not acceptable to whistle or snap.

-I basically get paid to be nice to you. Sure I smile and maybe even flirt a bit-though mostly I’m thinking please remember to tip me. Don’t confuse me being nice to meaning I want to take you home with me. Remember first and foremost you might be in a bar but I am at work. Now I know some bartender have no problem using the job to pick up people, but the majority of us DO NOT USE WORK AS A DATING SERVICE. So please do not ask me if you can cook me dinner, take me out, cheer me up, take me home…

-We all have our bad days too. Some days our minds are on other things. So if we ask your order for the second time or give you the wrong drink. Just let us know politely… because yelling that this is wrong isn’t the way to go. It’s the way to get someone to spit in your drink. Now I actually would never do that (I’m a big believer in Karma) but I know many of your bartenders/waiters/servers that do!

-Almost no one that is serving you a bar or restaurant wants to be doing that for the rest of their lives. Please don’t ask oh did you go to school? Oh why aren’t you working in Film anymore? Have you though about doing (fill in the blank)? Because trust me we have. And are trying to do (fill in the blank). So please don’t make us feel any worse about it than we already do. And don’t be surprised to hear that many of us have gone to the top Universities. Yes I work in a bar. Yes I have blonde hair. No I am not stupid or dumb. So don’t treat me that way. And talking down to me will only ensure that the guy next to you will get his drink first next time.

-Don’t expect free drinks or tell me about how you use to get a free drink after you ordered free ones. Sure I know it’s nice to get a free drink but some of us are accountable for our liquor. At my bar they even count the empty bottles so at the end of the evening when I end up with more beer bottles than are paid for I have to account for that. Trust me bar managers know how much liquor is being paid for and how much is given away free. And you might be grumbling that you had to pay for all your alcohol, but hey bartenders have to worry about paying for their bills and without a job that’s next to impossible.

That being said for as many horrible customers that we have, there are three times as many really nice customers out there that make us smile and make the day seem not so bad. And despite the many complaints I have to do like bartending. It’s fun to meet all kinds of different people and hear their crazy stories. And trust me there are some CRAZY ones. And it sure as hell beats having to work in retail or sit in front of a desk all do just hating life. So just remember, while you are out there having fun there is someone working pretty damn hard to make that happen. So smile at us, be patient, and tip large!

And then the string snapped.

I’m going to start by saying I’M SICK OF HAVING SHITTY DAYS… ok maybe I’m yelling it. At the top of my lungs. With a very large class of wine in my hands. But seriously people this has been another shitty day. Actually most of the day was great… and then of course something happened. Like it always does. And then all of a sudden, shitty. So here is my list of everything that I am sick of right now… and I know that when I post things everyone thinks I’m talking about them, but the truth of the matter is I’m usually not. And no this isn’t about YOU. I love you. I think you are amazing. Of course you didn’t make me cry. Why would you think I was mad at you? Though now that you are bringing it up is there a reason why you think I’m talking about you? Are you feeling guilty for something? Yea I know I do that too… and yea I get it you are sick of listening to me complain about THAT. But really this isn’t about you. It’s about them. So here it is…

I am sick of…
-Feeling like shit
-Customers. Enough said.
-Being treated like a hooker, piece of ass, striper, dumb blonde (I have a freakin BFA from one of the top universities in this country for goodness sake)
-Having my breasts talked to…I have eyes in my head not just nipples on my breasts.
-My stomach… for God Sake I work out every freakin day why isn’t it going away!
-Not having money… and having to have my friends buy me coffee, lunch, alcohol, food, whatever. I love you all for it but I just feel like shit every time I have to say- I can’t afford that.
-Putting gas into my car. It might be cheap now but I feel like I am still throwing money away left and right for it.
-Crying… seriously it use to be cute that I cried at the drop of a hat, now it seems like all I do is cry.
-Falling in love with men who don’t give a flying rat’s ass about me.
-Not having internet or cable right now. I just want to curl up on my couch and not have to be squatting in the only corner in my room that I sometimes good internet at.
-Being misunderstood. Also can add people reading my blogs and then being mad at me. I’M SORRY I need a place to vent.
-Being made to feel like shit because I don’t have a boyfriend, a child, a white picket fence…
-Not having a job. This is ri-god-damn-diculous at this point. HIRE ME SOMEONE, ANYONE!
-Being the better person. For once I’d just like to say- No, fuck you.
-Giving the milk away for free!
-Not being able to sleep, this dark circle really pale vampire look isn’t doing much for me these days.
-Not being able to drink much because it only makes me feel worse.
-Contacts. Why can’t glasses look sexy on me!!!
-Not being able to let go.
-Having to get a bikini wax every 3 weeks but expected to be ok with you just “trimming” occasionally… sorry buddy suck it up and wax that shit off too!
-Being called too emotionally. Yea I do have feelings, what of it.
-Caring too much about all the wrong people.
-Having to settle.
-Being considered a bitch.
-Being someones second choice, back up place, fuck buddy, botty call, doormat, sounding board, bed warmer, seat filler, arm candy, cheerleader...
-Not only feeling like a failure but actually being one.
-Having to start making plans to move home.
-Everyone thinking this has all been about some guy… sometimes this is just about ME. Not a relationship. Not a friendship. Not some asshole that doesn’t deserve my time. But me… just little old me.
-That I’m slowly becoming bitter.
-Worrying about my mom every time she coughs. What I wouldn’t give to just know that she’s going to be ok.
-Being scared. Of many things.
-Being told I have too much experience… why that isn’t an asset!
-Everyone telling me I told you so… yea I know I don’t make the best decisions some time, but honestly either do you.
-Being told that this is temporary. That it will get better. That something amazing is just around the corner. To give it time. Be patient. That God works in mysterious ways. That the most amazing things are in store for me. That this is all for the best. That in 6 months I’m going to look back and laugh… Here’s the thing. Life kind of sucks right now. For many reasons. Some are on the blog. Some are listed in this list. And some I can’t even say out loud but just think of as I cry myself to sleep some nights. Yea I know things are going to get better. And yea things could be so much worse. And I know that many of my friends are going through things that I can’t even imagine. That it’s pathetic that I could even complain about some of these. And that I should be happy with what I have left. But some days it’s hard to see it that way. When some days you are holding on by a very thin string and then that string just snaps, you don’t want to hear about better days… you just want a very large glass of wine, an endless supply of Kleenex and a comfy bed to curl up in… and today is just one of those days.

Holy Ex’s Batmen!

Throughout the ages three has always been a mystical number. Things always seem to happen in threes. And it is said that the number three represents harmony of the opposites, so it should come to no surprise that my ex’s always seem to reappear in 3’s. When Mr. Wyoming showed back up in my life I thought, oh there’s two when’s the third going to appear… turns out I didn’t have to wait too long. Yesterday the 3rd showed up- Mr. Baby R. Though oddly enough it turns out he would have reappeared sooner if it wasn’t for the fact that my phone number got changed back in the spring. When I changed my number I did send out a mass email letting everyone know the new number, though it’s not surprising to know I didn’t send anything out to any of my Ex’s… I thought fresh number, fresh start.

Apparently over the last couple of months Mr. Baby R has sent numerous text messages but they were never returned so he started to get worried. Thinking that I was still upset over things that happened years ago when we broke up. Mainly that he ended things by standing me up at a bar. But being the chump that I am I forgave him a time ago, and if you recall even slept with him back in the spring. So after I got a good laugh, because it always seems like I have an ex (or three) checking up on me, I sent him back an email that explained the new number and invited him out drinking… But really I’m sick of being that girl with all the ex’s. Yea it’s nice to know that I’m friendly with almost all of them and could call them up out of the blue for drinks, coffee, cheering up, whaetver. And I’m always the better person and no matter how much I get hurt I always go back for more. I will always be the one to call, text and smooth over the transition into friends… But when’s the roller coaster of ex’s going to end? And when can I stop living in the past and really move on in the present. Because this splits I’m doing, with one foot in history and one in the future is starting to really hurt. And too much longer in this position and I think I may just get stuck. Because here I sit on my Sunday morning still missing San Diego and still missing what I thought I had. Because it turns out of all the ex's in my life, there really is one who does not still think about me. And that makes me just a bit sad.

Girls night... porn style.

Last nights plan was simple, a night out with my girls to cheer me up. After another long exhausting week I was looking forward to a night with no drama, some alcohol and a bit of flirting… So when Mr. USC suggested us meeting up with his guy friends I was a little hesitant. But here I am dating a guy who most definitely has his light on and has been dying to introduce me to his friends so I felt like I couldn’t say no. So I devised plan B, drinks with the girls first and then we would all meet up as a group later in the evening. Simple plan revised… but of course you know me. What started as a simple night ended up with a Playboy party, a birthday party comprising of 15 men (all single and straight), porn being shot in the backroom of one of the bars we were out, Hot dogs on Hollywood Blvd. at 2 am (Turns out Scoobys is serious about their Wieners), some tranny hookers, a group of frat boys from San Diego, a lot of fetish wear, a date with Mr. Sitcom Actor and a very confused and exhausted Hardt…

Now all in all way too much too address in one blog, and really way too much of a confusing serious of events for even me to follow, and I was there. So I will address only the last statement- the confused Hardt part. Confused because I can boil down my life based on the two choices of last night- Mr. USC VS Mr. Sitcom Actor. Mr. USC is the stable choice. His light is on, he wants a relationship and has chosen Hardt as his partner of choice. Now frankly I don’t understand why. Every date we go on he’s attentive, funny, charming and considerate. And every date we go on I’m quiet, distracted and somber. Not to mention I bit his tongue accidentally! But here he wants to make me a part of his life. And then on the other hand there always seems to be this stash of men hanging around that do not have their light on… and we know which way I usually lead. So now I can introduce a new man into the mix who like those that have gone before not only doesn’t have his light on, but I don’t think there is even a light on top of the cab to be turned on. Mr. Sitcom Actor could easily be called Mr. Distraction. He’s cute, on a very successful sitcom, stared in one of the break out hits of last summer and has been tapped to write the screenplay for the adaptation of one of our favorite children’s shows… and on top of that is a notorious player. A notorious player who has been begging one of our friends to set us up. I think the entire situation is amusing, because the situation should be reversed- you would think it would be me asking my friend to hook me up with a successful TV actor. But due to prior history (which sadly I can’t go into on a public blog) I hadn’t even considered him dating material… and still don’t. I can see down the future and I’m sick of chasing after guys that don’t want to be caught. Sure they are fun to play with for awhile, but in the end I just end up getting my heartbroken. And after this last round I don’t think my heart can take much more… So instead I’m choosing stable….because sometimes it’s not about who you go home with on a Friday night, but about who’s making you breakfast on a Saturday morning.

DMV This!

Today I got to experience the many wonders that is the DMV… I finally went in to register my car. And although I have been chastised by many friends for keeping my Arizona License and Registration it wasn’t until someone notified the police that I had been in California for longer than 10 days that I finally did something about it… well I guess I’ve been here a little over 7 years longer than 10 days, but we won’t tell the DMV that. So off I went this morning to make sure I was legal.

Like the dutiful citizen that I am (and also because I’m impatient and hate to wait in lines) I made an appointment. Turns out that appointment isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. So I show up to the DMV with minutes to spare, clutching all my paperwork and prior registration forms to then be told that I hadn’t gotten my VIN number check out yet so I needed to get out of the line I just waited in and now need to bring my car around to the check point. So out I went, and out I waited. But while I waited I got to experience the people that were there to take the Driving Road Test. The first person was a man in his late 40’s that I would like to have assumed had driven a car before. But both the Driving Tester and I got a little nervous when he couldn’t locate the emergency break, and then when he did he didn’t know how to use it! Her question echoed the one in my head- “Sir do you really know how to use the break and when you are supposed to? And if not are you sure you are ready for the test?” But with his assurance they were off, and Driving Candidate number two rolled up. This time it was a 16-year-old kid that was taking the test for the first time, complete with a set of parents whom I was waiting to whip out their camera and start taking pictures. They were quickly banished to inside the DMV office. And then I was finally next, my VIN number was check and I was sent back into the line that I originally waited in.

So there I was up to the front of my line for the second time, and after I told the woman I was back she handed me a number. As soon as I sat down I realized that she had pressed the wrong button in her machine and was currently holding a number 30 numbers down from the one they were on and which said very clearly- Registration. Non-Appointment. Now I had two options sit there and wait, or go explain to the lady at the DMV that she made a mistake and that I had an appointment and shouldn’t have to wait with all the irresponsible people. I’m sure you can guess which option I choose- I waited.

Luckily I didn’t have to wait to long and 20 minutes later my number was called and I was off to window 15. Yay finally there! Though turns out my woman wasn’t ready for me yet. After listening to her discuss with her coworker that she was told they weren’t getting breaks today (after working a 7 and a half hour day) I was started to get impatient shifting from foot to foot and just wanting to be done with the entire process. Luckily she must have noticed that my patience was wearing thin so she finally started to process my paperwork. To which I finally got good news- it was 60 dollars cheaper than earlier thought! YAY! And after handing over my 140 dollars I was handed my California License place and I was through… ok I will admit I didn’t take my test to get my Drivers License… I’m definitely not ready to give up my Arizona one that doesn’t expire until 2044! So until someone tattles on me for that one, I’m good!

Mr. Tumid (AKA best Dear John email ever)

Over the years I have been broken up with in many ways… many cowardly ways. I’ve been stood up at a bar (after 3 months of dating!), I’ve gotten a text (while I was already in the airport in Arizona waiting for him), over the phone and I even have gotten an email (or two)… but this one is by far my favorite. If you are going to break up with me, and don’t have the balls to at least call me, let alone tell me in person, please don’t do it by email. But if you have to, then I guess doing it in verse will at least keep me laughing for years to come. This is from an email from Mr. Wyoming that I received a couple of years ago. and believe it or not it really is word for word what he wrote. You can thank an old friend for still keeping what I had lost over the years… I now give you Mr. Wyoming (AKA Tumid):

I just finished rehearsal and got your message, but I figured if you have preached enough animosity, on the subject of my regard in your postulation, to your friends that they harbor an opinion such that I am unwelcome in their presence, I deem it unfit to enter the den with one who slanders my character then holds trysts and courts my audience behind the backs of those who would judge. Those who are unfit for your friends are unfit for you.

Tumid

What’s in a name?

So lately I’ve begun to feel like a contestant on the Bachelorette: So Cal version. There seems to be a revolving door of dates that are coming and going from my life. Some visit just once, some are repeats at the rose ceremony and of course we all know the one who rejected my rose… So I thought I’d share one of this weeks Bachelors. It might be shocking to know that this week there are multiple- Mr. USC, Mr. Ex, Mr. Hotness and Mr. Comedian- Like I said I really do feel like I’m on a dating show right now. All these Mr’s but now a Mr. Right in the lot…Now this story is about Mr. ?. I met Mr. ? recently at a bar. It was loud, I was partaking in a lot of shots and his family is from Spain so he has a foreign name. Though you wouldn’t know it by looking at him- he’s born and raised in the valley and looks more Greek than he does Spanish, but all the same he has an interesting first name. When he first called and left a message I thought I sort of got the name but of course I made a couple girlfriends listen to the message to see if I had it right. Now all of us had different interpretations of his name. So I was back to square one. I agreed to go on a date with him, and figured that at some point maybe his name would come up… well his last name did. So YAY I have part of it down now, though it would have been a little formal to call him Mr. N for the rest of the night. So when the check came I tried to get a peek of his credit card, but to no avail he had it taken away so quickly. Usually I would at this point give a guy props for quickly paying without even looking at the receipt or looking at me to pay. But instead I was annoyed that I struck out with the name again. And of course the next morning he called to set up another date, left a voice message to which I once again couldn’t get the correct name. DAMN. So now I have date number two with someone whose first name I don’t know still… oh well maybe next time! I mean he’s going to leave some mail laying about sometime, right?!!

Could I? Yes. Should I? No. Will I… probably!

So I’ve been facing a dilemma recently. About two weeks ago I was asked out by someone totally inappropriate, but totally yummy at the same time. We will call him Mr. Hotness. Now I say inappropriate because Mr. Hotness is not someone you bring home to Mom, he’s more the guy that you have crazy fantastic sex with. And although he is a really nice guy, we really don’t have much in common. He is a former Navy Seal. I went to NYU. He has the body of a Greek God. I, well lets just say don’t. He’s 27. And I am almost 30. He’s a total player. And I’m done with those guys. He owns a bar. I’m just a lowly bartender. Ok so we do have some things in common, and he’s an avid surfer and has been trying to get me out in the water with him… And up until now I’ve been hesitant because I already know that he’s not the guy you spend Friday nights cuddled up at the movies with. But here’s the thing. I’ve been so determined lately to find the right guy that I think I’ve stopped having fun with the guys that are out there. And maybe it’s time to go back to my roots. Back to the guys that don’t break my heart. Back to the guys that I know, the stuntment/model/prosurfer/rock climbers… all those guys that I use to have so much fun with. Sure I’m not going to marry any of them. And will probably just end up with broken bones from diving off a cliff or kiteboarding into a boat... But hey at least I will go out in style, true old school Hardt style.

What's in a spark?

After reading about my misadventure with Sundays date, I’m sure you can understand my nervousness about my date tonight with Mr. USC. Another Lakers game, and another glass of wine… But this time I’m really going to try and have me head in the game. Though what made me pause this morning was this thought- If I have to force myself to keep my head in the game, then really is it worth it? I mean I have a great time hanging out with him, he’s a great guy, we have a lot in common and he’s really into me. Even after me biting him he still sent flirty text messages yesterday and still made plans to see me again… The only problem is that there is something missing and I just can’t put my finger on what exactly it is. Now everyone this week has been pressuring me to just give him a chance, to just keep dating him and not worry about the fact that there isn’t a spark… but on the other hand these were the same people that pressured me into ending things with Mr. Green, and look how well that turned out. And I know it’s all for the best, but at the same time if I wasn’t convinced to rock the boat last week then I would be looking forward to a weekend in San Diego for an old friends Birthday Bonanza on Saturday night and then a another friends welcome home party on Sunday night… Instead I’ll be spending the weekend up here in Los Angeles wondering how I got so off track…And I know that he was never mine to begin with… but it sure was nice to borrow Mr. G these last couple of months. And yes I know everyone disliked him, especially at the end (Oh the claws really came out on my friends once they knew it was really over). And I know I’ve been doing great getting over him and have even has some fun trying. And I know that sitting here thinking what if’s are bad for me, what if I was a little less, what if I didn’t have to push, what if I could just have been happy with the way things were, what if he weren't shuch a shit (ok maybe that's your what if). But that’s the problem with what ifs. You can’t go back. And no amount of wishing will change things. Because the truth of the matter is I shouldn’t have to change myself for anyone… because there is some guy out there that is going to love me for me, just the way I am. And that guy isn’t in San Diego… but on the other hand I don’t think he’s in USC either.

Bite Marks and Wine.

As much as I want to keep my dating life off this, this story was just too good. I’ve mentioned Mr. USC but tried to keep most of the details about us to myself. But it’s been a little over a month now of us dating but I’ve been taking it pretty slow with him. Now that’s not to say our evenings have been PG rated, we just aren’t into R territory yet. After rushing into things this summer I’ve been enjoying the slow part, plus I’ve had Mr. Ex as the pseudo-boyfriend so I haven’t been wanting for anything (and although I’ve vowed not to talk about my sex life anymore I’m sure you can guess just exactly what ANYTHING Mr. Ex has been helping me out with!). So last night Mr. USC invited me over to his apartment for a glass of wine and the Lakers game before we went out to try a new Tapas bar. Now the apartment is great, in a really cool area of Santa Monica (and the big plus is it’s like 8 blocks from my house!). After the game we headed down to the beach for Tapas, Wine, and Cheese… Everything was going great, the food was amazing (I had Crème Brule for the first time and I have to say I am in love!), the wine almost sinful it was so good, we were able to go over his menu for his dinner party next week (he is having a house warming party and I got the invite to meet the friends!) and work on his namesake cocktail that a friend is putting in his bar… all in all it was a fun evening. Now I have to state now that I was exhausted. I had been house sitting all weekend in the valley, still recovering from keg stands the night before, and drained emotionally from last week. So when we got back to his place he invited me in, but seeing as I was practically falling asleep I declined saying that I was excited to be sleeping in my own bed tonight and had to get home… But my mind was somewhere else at this point so when I went in for our kiss goodnight I was just expecting a little kiss and I’d be off. Unfortunately I learned you shouldn’t be thinking of other things while kissing someone else, because there I was about to pull away and he stuck is tongue in my mouth. Totally normal, should have been expected, and it’s not like I haven’t already become acquainted with his tongue, but my mind was so far away that I wasn’t even registering that I was kissing him so my mouth reacted, clamped down and it’s sad to say I bit his tongue! Who knew that dating me was so dangerous! Let’s hope he just thinks that it’s my way of foreplay and he’s into biting… And I’m sure I will make it up to him this week but for now I’m just a little sad that I was on a date with a fantastic guy and for whatever reason I just couldn’t get my head into the game…

CHUG IT. CHUG IT. CHUG IT.

So last night I attended my first redneck party, literally- it was a White Trash Birthday Party. Now at first I was a little hesitant to go, I was exhausted from the nights this week with Mr. Ex (and sorry guys still no details on my dating life… I know those are often a good read, and Mr. Ex is always good for a few stories. But for now I’m keeping that part of my life off line) and I still haven’t been home in days so except for 2 little black dresses and some dirty laundry in my car I had nothing to wear out to a redneck party. Luckily friends coming over to play rock band brought a few redneck essentials and I was ready to go. The loverly outfit comprised of: Mini Skirt, Tube top that read- Berry Delight and tied up the back like a corset, A beat up straw cowboy hat and then the truly amazing piece, a beer coozie from a campground in Lebanon, Missouri with a rainbow strap to wear around my neck- and inside my beer coozie was a can of good old Milwaukee Schlitz.

So off I headed to the party, already feeling good after some Rock Band (Dude I got a 99% finally, ok maybe it was on easy but hey I still rock!) and an entire bottle of Champagne all to myself (I might have looked like TPT but I am all class baby!)… The ironic part of the party is that it was held in Van Nuys in a house that was all White Trash to begin with (even complete with a trailer in the driveway!) and as soon as I entered I felt like I was entering a frat house in Texas (or maybe even SDSU because I remember a few of those parties from my youth!)… The first thing that caught my attention was the whiff of pot and the bong that was literally the size of my leg! The only downside of the evening is at the site of the bong I whipped out my cell phone to text message someone only to realize the worst part of ending relations- you no longer get to text message them when you see things that they would love… but onward and I upward I headed, literally since I then did my first Keg Stand. And I have to say, I pretty much rocked it. Rocked it like only a 19 year old Frat Brother can!

After a loverly beer shower and a game of beer pong I bellied up to the bar with my White Trash food: Tater Tots in a bowl as if they were chips, mini hot dogs in a blanket, cupcakes and a chili and queso dip. I was in HEAVEN. And after passing around the Jack Daniels bottle for shots straight out of it, I realized that maybe I do have a little redneck deep down inside me after all :)

Dear Miss Heart Breaker...

Since I’m still sick of talking about my emotions and feelings I thought I would share with you the emotions and feelings of a friend of mine, we will call him Mr. Heartbroken. And the only emotion I will share with you is this, after getting an email this week telling me all my faults and reasons why someone wouldn’t want to be with me it’s nice to know that boys too get the same Dear John emails and ask the same pathetic why don’t you want to be with me questions. So here is an email exchange between Mr. Heartbroken and Miss Heart Breaker…

Dear Miss Heart Breaker,

I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed the intimacy we had during our first week of meeting. Of all the women that I've met in my life, only a handful really captivated, intrigued, and grasped me - yourself being one of them. Although it is obvious that you are no longer interested in me as such, for whatever reason, I just wanted to let you know that you're a great and special person. I hope the best for you and hope that we won't be such strangers, if that's ok with you.

Have a nice day and weekend.
Mr. Heartbroken

Dear Mr. Heartbroken
I enjoyed our time together as well. You always used such kind words around me. At first it was touching, then it became too much for me to handle. I felt like we were moving way too fast and I pushed back. Here you go with your nice words again

Just wanted to say thank you for the compliments below and that I don't wish to be strangers either. I think you're smart, funny, interesting and good looking. I wish you could feel the same way about yourself. Thank you for reaching out to me.

Miss Heart Breaker

Those that I love.

Today was the funeral for one of my best friends while I was in high school… we’ve lost touch over the years. But sitting here this afternoon I can’t remember exactly why. Maybe it was distance. Maybe it was time. Maybe it was we’ve changed so much from the people that we once were. But until recently we kept up to date with each others life through myspace, as we are all seem to do with old friends… had tried to go to various Buck-O-Nine concerts over the years but just haven’t been able to make it happen. She died suddenly last week, complications due to diabetes that she didn’t even know that she had. She was only 30… and it got me to thinking about her and all the friends I have lost touch with. Some due to circumstances, some due to choice, and some sadly due to fate.

Monica and I had a tendency to get ourselves into trouble back in the days. The time she baked pot brownies for our Senior 6 to 6. Or all those Friday nights selling football programs for my father. Or maybe the best was the time we decided to put a spell on a boy to fall in love with me. I don’t remember the boy, though I do remember that it didn’t work! But that was Monica for you. Always ready to jump in and create a little mischief with me. All those years at Soma to see bands (any ska band that came to town could find us in front row skanking), days of switching clothing (we were the same size and both into our faux punk look), weekends spent at debate tournaments (yea we both were geeks) and at various play rehearsals… She really was there to shape my high school life and I sit here today devastated that I allowed so many years to go by… too many years. And yet too late to do anything about it.

Last year I lost someone who was one of my best friends and I said that I wouldn’t let years and distance come between friends again. But I once again have gotten lazy… I’ve lost touch with more friends this year. I often have a tendency to shrink into my head and not let anyone in. So learn from me. Tell those that you love that you love them. Pick up that phone and call the friend you haven’t talked to in days, months, years- it doesn’t matter. Send that facebook request to your bestie from the good old days… whatever it takes to make it happen. Because we all have lost too many people in our lives to stay complacent about it. To all my friends, I love you all. You mean more to me than most of you even know… and now I think it’s time to get out of my head, out of my past, and out of my emotions and get back to living life. I will see you all soon… and as for tonight, the first shots for Monica.

Mr. Military takes our Cinderella to the ball.

In keep with my new pact to stop exposing my emotions to the world, I use another blog to go back in time. Luckily this one isn’t too far back, just back to last weekend. And although it was hard to relive the weekend in my mind (for reasons that I actually don’t want to explain) here is the story of how Mr. Military took this Cinderella to the ball, The United States Marine Corps Ball that is.

When Mr. Military found out that I would be down in San Diego for the weekend he invited me to be his guest as the Marine Corps Ball. He had suddenly this week found himself without a date and due to the fact that I look good in a cocktail dress and have an aversion to both guns and the military he thought that I would be a fun date. And I thought about men in white dress uniform looking dapper and sexy… well turns out that the Marine Corps has navy dress uniforms, and although the did look pretty dapper in the them with white gloves and little hats, I was most interested in the woman that they came with. Now these woman, military girlfriends and wives were a different sort than I was use to, and well a species all unto themselves. It was obvious that for many of them this was the highlight of their year… and it was painfully obvious that many of them were so young they thought of this ball as another prom or a glorified night out clubbing. The dresses ran the gamut from full on prom gowns (some complete with gloves and tacky plastic shoes!) to a white ballerina outfit (I kid you not it was a white corset top and a very shot tutu on the bottom) to a mermaid green skintight ass short dress that was more appropriate on a tranny hooking herself on Hollywood Blvd than a formal military ball.

But despite the inappropriateness of many of the dates what I walked away from the evening with was the deep sense of tradition that these men have. It was the 233rd Anniversary of the Marines, and with fitting of a “birthday” of this magnitude there were speeches and birthday cake! Though I did have to contain myself from laughing each time one of the men wished another happy birthday… Luckily Mr. Military finally explained it to me, otherwise I’m sure I would have made an idiot of myself and asked one of them about their “birthday”… But despite my confusion with some of the rituals (and my distaste for the Commandants speech, which seemed more like a recruiting video at it’s worst) I have to say my favorite part of the evening was the tradition of the cake. First I have to say that the cake is cut by an actually SWORD which is pretty freakin cool all by itself, but after it is cut the oldest marine in the squadron (Born September 20, 1961) took a bite and then passed it to the youngest marine (Born December 12, 1989). A passing of the sword so to speak. And maybe it might have been my exhausted, hungover and emotional state but it started to bring a tear to my eye.

Now though if the first part of the evening was about tradition and history the end part of was about youth and tackiness. Let me tell you about the dancing, more specifically let’s go back to my favorite hooker tranny wannabe in the mermaid dress who decided to try out her new stripper moves on the dance floor. She would have looked more appropriate dancing at Crazy Horse, but instead she was gyrating right in front of the commanding officers table. Pretty shortly after a few girl on girl moves a crowd had formed around her. And as I looked around the room you could see everyone staring at her with a horrified expression on their face, it was like a train wreck- you just couldn’t look away! But what caught my attention most was the Commanding Officers Wife. Unlike most of the woman in the room she was dressed with class, befitting an officer of his caliber and was busy trying to convince him to tell this woman to stop dancing. And seeing as he was hesitant to say anything she did what everyone else in the room wanted to do, she walked right up to our mermaid hooker and told her it was time to stop that dancing. I almost stood up and applauded.

Seeing as the floor show was over, Mr. Military and I got up and left the ball. But on the drive home I was struck by two things, one was that all these young men would give their life for this country. But on the flip side I also was stuck by the idea that all these young men, some 10 years younger than me, would also kill for this country. And at the end of an evening watching them interact with the people that they loved the most, that was a really sobering thought.

Semper Fidelis!

Mr. Ex rises to the occasion... once again!

Today I got to thinking about Mr. Ex and how we got to where we are today. And seeing as I’m done blogging about my current life I thought I would go back in time and give you a peak at my relationship with him. So while I sit here waiting for him to get home for a night out at our old haunt, I will go down memory lane with you. Down 6 years to be exact… And I have to say wow, after sitting here and counting years I really can’t believe that we’ve been friends for 6 years now.

6 years ago I was a smiling virgin (yea I know that’s hard to believe), dating one of Mr. Ex’s friends. We met while both working on a Stunt show and struck up a friendship. I still remember the first conversation I ever had with him, mainly because I thought who was this guy who after talking with me for 15 minutes is inviting me for drinks with him. Now I didn’t go that night, but later in the week we all met up in a group for drinks at Howl at the Moon. Now those of you from the Old Universal days may make fun of Howl, but remember this was so far back in time it actually was PRE Saddle Ranch! But somehow we struck up an odd friendship and hung out for the next couple of months… but it wasn’t until the spring of the following year that I started to realize that we were morphing from friends into something more… and of course this is the time that Saddle Ranch was built, and we all remember fondly that many romances were built there. Geez for me alone it was the start not only with Mr. Ex, but also eventually Mr. Wyoming and one of the many Mr. Brazils. But through many AMF’s on Thursday nights we suddenly found ourselves dating… and it was then that I realized that after years of holding on to my virginity I was finally ready to put on the big girl pants. And Mr. Ex was perfect for that. He waited over a month past when I was ready, wanting it to be right. And refusing to do it one night while I was drunk, and instead waited for the perfect sober opportunity… though that entire night was an evening of unusually and unbelievably funny events, but that’s for a different blog completely. Anyways long story short we finally had sex and continued to date for a couple of months.

Now Mr. Ex is a great guy, but commitment is not one of his strong suits. So we went our separate ways without any hard feelings… and over the years we often have found ourselves single at the same time, and always willing to scratch each others “itch” so to speak… but what began as relationship involving late party nights and lots and lots of booze has slowly turned into this amazing friendship that has become more comfortable than romantic. And what began with AMF’s at Saddle Ranch has turned into late nights cuddling on the couch and phone calls for advice trying to get over Ex’s… He’s really been there for me over the years, calling from Brazil when my mother got sick, setting a trap to catch Mr. NakedBartender cheated, and always being on the end of the phone call or text message when I just needed someone to tell me everything’s going to be all right. And although he has tried to make us into more this last year, I have resisted. Sure there has been sex this year, but I have resisted making this into what I know will eventually ended us. Because I’m afraid if we actual did start to date he would pull his old tricks and once again I would be left broken hearted. And from where I’m sitting right now, I just can’t take the chance with my heart again… But once again he was the one who I called today when I was down about things in my life… and once again he has answered the call for help. And yes we have plans tomorrow night to spend an evening cuddling up watch a movie while I housesit… but tonight the plan is for something I need just a bit more. A night at an old haunt with an old haunt. Perfect for making memories of other boys disappear… even if it’s just a temporary fix, it’s just what the doctor ordered. No emotions, no strings, no tears or heartache- just old friends, some booze and maybe an itch or two… Just don't expect any details in the morning!

The last of the Mr. Green Chapter…

So it takes me awhile to process things…. And while I have a quick temper and am rash (and often regret my impulsive decisions) I do let ideas bounce around in my head for a bit. And often it helps to write things down… and seeing as I’m over the age of 6 a diary really isn’t an option. So I turned to blogging. And I love it… but at the same time I’ve learned to hate having my thoughts out there. Letting people have access to every little thing that I think and do. And at first it was a great idea. Because I am unapologetically me. I know I can be grumpy at times, but on the flip side I also am loving to a fault. I pick apart people, but also forgive them for anything and everything. I’m loud, abrasive, I say whatever comes to my mind, I don’t play games, and I have an energy that drives most people crazy. I’m basically just me. And like all of you I’ve been on a quest to find someone who loves the real me. Not the girl playing a game. And not the girl who’s trying to please. But the girl who is just me. Well turns out maybe the me that I love, isn’t the girl who can be loved. Just a thought on this dreary Thursday… that maybe I’m just a little too me. I think it didn’t help to have some of my faults pointed out to me last night because we all know I let those thoughts into my head and then they won’t disappear… And maybe I am totally a gluten for punishment because yea I’m curious about the other list of reasons why he doesn’t want to be with me- I was told he was trying to be “gentle” and didn’t give me everything he hates about me. Which I say is just bullshit. If you want to tell me what’s wrong with me, then just say everything. Did he really think that is would hurt less to tell me a few of my faults and only hint at the others?! Now this isn’t about being mean or vindictive… I have no desire to write I-hate-Mr.-Green.com, and although I am upset, I don’t hate him. And have no desire to list reasons why I shouldn’t want to be with him… But for just once I wish I wasn’t the only one who was hurt in the end… because from where I’m sitting it was just too easy for him to walk away. Whereas I miss a friend, he probably will not even notice my absence from his bed, in fact I’m sure he’s already arranged ways to fill it…

And I know it didn’t help to put out life our on the Internet like I did… and it didn’t help that he could read my every thought. It gave him an ego that he shouldn’t have had, and made me look like the fool more often than not. So I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to take my thoughts off line and put them back into my head. Keep checking back because I’m sure eventually I’ll change my mind…maybe I’ll have a guest blogger. Or just take a trip down memory lane to my early life in blogging. But for now I will say- see you soon…

Lost in the city.

It feels odd sitting down to write when so much has happened in the last week. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve last blogged. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling two and from San Diego to spend time with Mr. Green… and although I knew going back into it that this isn’t what I really wanted, and that I shouldn’t have to settle for what little he could give me. But that didn’t stop me from making that trek once a week. And it seemed easy enough, Mr. Green in San Diego and Mr. USC and Ex in Los Angeles. But the more times I traveled down there the more I started to lead a double life. There was the one enjoying Saturday mornings with Mr. Ex and drinks and dinners with Mr. USC. And then there was the life in San Diego. Visiting with old friends during the day and nights spend in Mr. G’s bed… and I know now that it was all in my head, but I thought things were finally getting better between us. That maybe he was starting to see that we could happen… and then this week happened.

After spending an odd weekend down in San Diego I came back Monday full of promise… and yes we seemed to be bickering more than usual and I noticed that he seemed to want to spend less time with me but we all know I have a tendency to ignore reality and believe what I want. But Tuesday morning reality came tumbling in. I was planning on driving back down for an Obama Victory Party he and his roommates were throwing… but turns out the other girl he’s been dating this entire time was going to be there too. Now they recently broke up (a couple of weeks ago) but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings seeing us together, so he asked if we could down play “us for the evening”… which basically meant I was told that I was to not kiss him the entire night. The only thing I could say was that he ended up spending too much time worrying about hurting the wrong girl… because as much as it’s hard to admit this, it hurt so much to hear him tell me that he didn’t want people to know that he’s also been dating me. It really just drove home that fact that I had gone from the girl he was dating to this girl he has sex with once a week…

But long story short. I did go down for the party. And turns out he was the one who couldn’t resist kissing me… But on the way home I realized I just couldn’t do this anymore… so things ended tonight for us.

This time for good. In fact I was given a list of reasons why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. But what hurt the most is that one of them is something that I know, that we bicker a bit. But the problem is that he just can’t see that the only reason we bicker is due to the fact that he can’t be in a relationship with me, or should I say doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And something that we easily could have fixed… but instead (like the young 25 year old boy that he is) he didn’t say anything, and just let it fester inside of him until all he thought of us was that we argue too much. And I know I’m an argumentative person, and if he would have just mentioned it I could have been aware…. But he didn’t. And instead I’m left with the feeling that I once again have driven someone away. Someone who might not have been perfect (he smokes cigarettes and pot, likes to sleep away his weekends where as I like to be out and about, thinks exercise is something that should be done “tomorrow” but tomorrow never happens), but as much as he wasn’t perfect I actually believed he was perfect for me. And I just loved how he looked at me… it wasn’t about me having a perfect body. He loved just how imperfect it was, and even while ending things with me he continued to say how hot he thought I was and just how smoking my body was. Things that no one has ever thought about me, much less driven home.

But the point of the matter is he just didn’t think I was perfect for him… so I sit her tonight just a bit lost. Because truthfully I’ve lost not just someone who I was dating, but someone who in the last few months really has become a close friend. Someone who I turn to when I find I myself in a crisis… and one of the first people I call when things start to go my way… because on a night like this the only thing I want is to send him a message and have him make me laugh, as only he can.

And I know I will pick myself right up… Mr. USC and I have dinner again this week. And maybe with Mr. G finally really out of the picture I will finally give Mr. USC the chance he’s been asking for… but for now I’m going to sit down, enjoy the rest of my wine and probably shed a tear or two… because sometimes as much as we tell ourselves that it shouldn’t, it really does just hurt.