Big Sighs

Sadly I am spending my Saturday morning once again at work… it’s been one crazy ass week over here in my world. When I last left you I was enjoying Raccoons and nights at Mr. FB’s house, anticipating our “big date” last Friday. Well that big date became a big disaster when he found out the Mr. Uni wasn’t too excited about us hanging out. And sadly, despite what was a great connection, he decided “Bros before Hoes” and I was sent packing. Though technically he’s still pondering the idea of us, and doesn’t know what to do since he does really like me (though had to basically stalk him this week to get that info since he was more comfortable talking to one of my friends about this instead of me!). But after a week of me every day being like we need to talk what’s going on, I got the official I need space you are too much this week from him. And granted I was…. Though in my defense, after getting the full court press from him it was a drastic change this week. And we all know I don’t do well with change, and kind of went into a panic. And despite his stop, relax, you have nothing to panic about I went into my head anyways… well giving him his space. Though we shall see if that even helps, I think the damage, sadly, is already done. And of course as is par for the course in my love life, after meeting someone new this week, Mr. Grip, I was asked out… but this time I had the will power to just say NO. Sure he’s totally my type and normal I would just jump and say yes, but after jumping from one guy to the next this past year I really need a break! I am still holding out hope that maybe Mr. FB will come around, but in the meantime I’m giving myself a much needed break from men. And yes it was hard when Mr. Ex called last night to come over for dinner and a little cuddle. But I told him no. I need to just clear my head for a bit…In the meantime I have been working like a dog over here. Putting in 14 hour days, stressed to the max, working 6 days a week the last two weeks and basically just exhausted beyond belief. Everything and anything has gone wrong on this shoot and it’s my first official time as a coordinator so I’m kind of just flying by the seat of my pants on this one. There are a lot of hot tempers (already had a first fight, a verbal fight, a quitting, and a firing on set!), a lot of work that needs to be done for little money and not enough time… but it’s been a great learning experience. And I leave most days just exhilarated, even those days when I’m leaving the set at 2am!I had one day off this week, spent it surfing and relaxing with friends on the beach… It was great. Just what I need to reboot and start my week (and life) over. I kind of threw out the window a bunch of changes that I hoped to make in the New Year… so I’m thinking February 1st is the ideal time to just start over…. AGAIN.

Date Interrupted

So last night I had possibly the funniest end to a date ever… I went over to watch my Monday Night Shows over at Mr. FB’s house. And before you jump to conclusions, we are just hanging out and getting to know each other. So I actually went over to watch TV and not to “watch TV”. Anyways after a very fun evening of Chinese food, How I Met Your Mother and laughter we got ready to head out to my car. And yes he was very sweet and insisted on walking me to my car, and even joked about how I might be attacked by the many street cats in his area. Well as soon as I opened the door I laughed because there right by the steps was possibly the largest cat I had ever seen… until it turned around and we noticed it was a RACOON. I stopped dead in my tracks, I had never seen a raccoon before. And it looked like the cuddliest thing I had ever seen until it looked at me and practically hissed. And then another rather large raccoon showed up to enjoy the cat food the neighbor had left out. At that point I think I was crying with laugher. Every time we tried to leave the apartment they would look and hiss. Luckily about an hour later we were able to finally do a mad dash for the car. And by dash I mean that we literally had to run because we heard the raccoons in the bushes coming after us! All in all it was a great way to end a fun evening… and on my way home I got a text message from him saying what a great time he had and was extremely happy I ended up coming down. All in all a PERFECT way to end a fun evening. And I haven’t been able to stop smiling since :)

Facebook Friend... or Foe?

Last night we threw a new guy into the mix, Mr. FB. Now it’s an odd story about him, but I met FB through Mr. Uni (they went to college together) and when we first started talking on facebook back in November, Mr. Uni and I were still friends so it wasn’t weird that I had started talking to one of his college buddies. Though to set the record straight it was very much Mr. FB that found me on facebook, I am not one to strike up virtual friendships with people. But when Mr. Uni and I started dating it was a little odd that his buddy kept hitting on me. When I told him that he should tell Mr. FB that we were dating, he would just reply that he thought it was funny that FB would always comment on my status and leave messages. So I let it go. And I thought FB was cute to begin with so I thought well it’s nice to have a bit of a flirtation where it’s going nowhere, I was dating his college buddy after all. Well when things went sour with Uni I thought what the heck, FB had been trying to make plans with me the past month and now there really wasn’t any reason to say no. So we made plans to go listen to a friend’s band play last night. I figured it would be a fairly safe evening, I was already planning on going with 5 of my girls so it would be a low key evening of friendship and nothing more. I don’t know him at all ready and was not ready for a date scenario. But you can always use more guy friends, especially cute guy friends. So instead of a traditional date- an evening of laughter, friends, fun and good music was had by all. My friends were very impressed with Mr. FB. In fact when we left the bar they had a talk with me because they could see that I was starting to pick him apart right away, as I have a tendency to do with any guy I met. And they all agreed that he seemed like a really nice guy and that I need to give one of those a try. I take it as a good sign that they liked him, especially since these same friends met Mr. Uni last Sunday and they all thought he was a tool because of the way he was treating me that night. In fact I believe the term “Crescent Wrench” was used… but all in all I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by the evening. I don’t know if I can say that there were sparks, but there definitely weren’t a lack of sparks so that’s a good thing. I just need to make sure that I would be doing this for the right reasons. Not because I’m afraid to be alone. And not because I want to make a point to Mr. Uni. But because I like him. And since I don’t know if I do I’ve agreed to get to know him better. He was very cute and sent me a text last night after I left that bar saying what a great time he had and I even heard from him this morning before he was off for his golf game. So all in all a promising start. A start to what I don’t know. But for now I will settle with a friendship with a cute boy.

Played or Not Played... that is the question

Now the rest of my weekend went by in a lazy drunken blur… Spent Saturday night with Mr. My Harry. He had recently broken up with his one again off again girlfriend of 6 years so he finally remembered I existed. Now I know that I shouldn’t jump when he calls but of course I did and we went out for drinks last night. It was nice. We caught up, he got to hear all about my topsy turvy love life and I got to hear about him sticking his toe back into the dating world. But the nicest thing was that I was able to sit across from him and not have the feelings that I use to have. I have always thought that maybe one day we would be on the same page and make things work between us, but this time I realized that we actually were on the same page and friendship was what was working between us. And I was happy about. So much that today I met up with him again to watch the Steelers game with his guys.But in between the Cardinals game with my girls and the Steelers game with the boys I spoke to Mr. Uni. He was a little upset that I had gone out with Mr. FB and for the last two days had been asking me questions about it. And for two days they were unanswered, until I was drunk of course! On the way to the bar we finally were able to air both our grievances. Well really it was my grievances and him telling me how amazing I was. After all his bullshit about meeting someone else and was confused, it came down to the fact that he has just plain been scared. Scared of his feelings for me. Scared of where this was going. And scared that he was going nowhere in life. Now as much as it would be nice to believe all of that, because deep down aren’t most guys just afraid of commitment, I had to call bullshit on him. The fact of the matter is he still doesn’t know what he wants. I layed it all on the line, and the only thing he could say was he needed time and could I just wait. Sadly I had to answer no. I did tell him that if he can sort his life out soon than I am here… yea I know I’m a sucker. But I let him know that his window of opportunity is small… And that I would be out dating while he figures stuff out. And I know his “excuses” were just that an excuse. And that if he really wanted to be with me than he would… but at the same time I can’t rule out that maybe he really just is confused and will come around. So until then, I’m off to enjoy all that life has to offer. Mr. FB has been calling every day, and if feels nice to be chased for once. And last night I watched the sunset over the pacific, sitting outside in nothing but a little sundress ,with a margarita in my hands and the boys at my side… nothing short of perfection!

Giggles and love from sunny LA

Life is pretty good right now. Of course it isn’t perfect. But sometimes I think if life were perfect than what fun would that be? I started a new job this week (YAY for me). Now the job isn’t perfect, but I can’t complain. I was uber happy to go back to work. And I spent the week in dance rehearsals for a new video from the cast of So You Think You Can Dance… and let’s just say I have a bit of a crush. So all in all a pretty good week!

Of course there was a bit of drama because there always will be. My poor mom was sent into a panic on Thursday. She’s on the crash team for US Airways and has to fly out for any crash to deal with fatalities and the family members. So of course the crash yesterday happened putting her into a spin of panic to get to the airport. Where she was told that since there weren’t any fatalities she didn’t have to go… and then of course got a call an hour later that no she would have to fly out to New York after all. But after one missed plane and waiting at the airport for another one she was told that since she wouldn’t be there in time it’s ok and she could go home. But needless to say she was exhausted from the entire experience.

As for my love life…nothing really to tell. Mr. Green got back from New Zealand this week and I’ve actually been talking to him again. We both just seem to have a hard time with the letting go. But just friends now. Sure I do still have feelings for him, and yea it is tough sometimes but all in all we’ve managed to remain friends. And the thing is at first I was bitter at us becoming friends. I mean you can’t go from being in love with someone to all of a sudden just someone they occasionally talk to. But he’s shown in the last few months that he actually does care… though in his caring he has unintentionally pointed out just how much Mr. Uni doesn’t. And of course I thought we could be adult about it and have that final conversation, you know the one- we should be friends, you obviously are not interested and I can’t keep getting hurt. OF course you know me, always trying to be positive, thought that if we had that conversation maybe he would actually wake up and be like oh wait I don’t mean to be treating you like gum under my shoe. Though of course no conversation… and I think an unanswered call really does say it all. As Mr. Ex perfectly put this week- “He’s just not that into you… so why are you still bothering with him. You rock, he doesn’t. And deserve so much better.”

But despite the little blips it’s been a fantastic week. I’m looking forward to a great weekend. Tonight I’m going to see an old friend from High School’s band play. I haven’t seen him perform since I was 16 so really excited about that. Also excited because last week I set him up with one of my closest girls and they hit it off like I have never seen. And of course this week I’ve been bombarded with emails from both of them being all mushy and disgusting and basically making me want to throw up. But also has made me really happy. Happy for them and happy to know that love does still exist out there. The old fashioned. Swept off your feet. Can’t stop thinking of someone. Giggly kind… and I can’t wait to get there again!!! Giggle all ready to go.

And again.

Time goes by. Seasons Change. You date other people. Hell you even break up with other people. And yet you can hear something that just makes your heart hurt. When you give your heart to someone (even if in the end they just trample on it and throw it away) you still care about them… and it still will hurt to hear about the people that they slept with while you were together and who they are continuing to sleep with… especially hard when someone says hey do you remember meeting Miss Fuckbuddy? Yea she’s also another one of “his” occasional friends… and all of a sudden it hits you like a brick wall. And damn does it ever hurt. Tonight I heard a couple of things that literally made my heart drop. And by someone who I promised I would never let get to me again. Though granted he wasn’t the one who said anything, but it was his actions that did it. And just something that drove home how little I meant to someone who meant a great deal to me… and really aren’t I sick of feeling little?

Chargers and men disappoint in the city of non angels.

I woke up yesterday morning with a renewed since of hope. I start my new job today. My unemployment and the 2600 dollars that they owe me finally came though. Things were starting to look up! The Charger game was on and I was planning on spending it with 8 of my favorite Charger fans including Mr. Uni. Now I hadn’t seen Mr. Uni since they whole “I’m confused” conversation so I was planning on seeing where it was going. We had made plans to hang out earlier in the week but those didn’t pan out, and I was still smarting a bit about that, but I took it as a good sign that he was coming to watch the game (naïve, yea I know!). Now sadly the game was a loss. The Chargers as my grandfather had predicted got their “asses handed to them by the Steelers”. And the day with Mr. Uni was also a loss. Sure we had fun, though I was insanely awkward the entire time. I was over analyzing EVERYTHING and spent the time going, ok am I being flirty? Or not flirty enough? Should I do this? Should I say that? In the end I think I ended up acting like an idiot. Though in reality I don’t think it would have matter how I acted yesterday. Because the truth of the matter is confusion or no confusion he just isn’t that into me. Almost at the end of the game, despite references to us going home together, he got up and left the bar abruptly. To only come back about 5 min later. Sit down for 5 min and then abruptly leave the bar for good. I had sent him a text messages, saying um HELLO?! But no response. Later in the night I finally got one saying that he had left because he was bummed and disappointed about the game and that we are ok. Though really the truth of the matter is, “If he doesn’t want to have sex with you, then he’s just not that into you!”. I mean seriously, how many times can I basically be rejected by the same guy and yet still keep coming back for more! I don’t understand why he even bothered to show up for the game. Is it to just once again reel me in? Is it to prove to himself that I can? Is it to just once again make a fool of my? I have no idea. I wanted to talk to him and ask him and finally get it all out there… but of course no answer to my call. He said he had been watching a movie and then watch the Globes… but really isn’t no answer, my answer. I think it is. I finally told him that the ball is in his court. If he wants to actually try and make this work, then it’s up to him to call me. Because I am done chasing someone who just doesn’t want to be caught… and that makes me just a bit sad.

Maybe I'm just not that into you!

I think guys often tell us what they think we want to hear… they think if they don’t tell us the truth that it will somehow be easier. Easier on them, of course. While breaking up it is, I want to be friends. After the break up it’s, No I really do still care about you. While courting us it, I want to hang out with you. I want to see you. How about a rain check. I will call you… all things they say because it gets us off the phone. They think that the news will go down easier. As a woman I like to know the truth, I like to be informed about everything, to not have things just sprung on me. Last night was a perfect example. I had made plans to hang out with, we shall call him Mr. Drunk. Now when I suggested us getting together what Mr. Drunk should have said was, I already have plans with my guy friends. Instead he said yes. When he should have said, I might not be able to in the end, he said I can’t wait to see you… now we shall fast forward to about 8 last night when I was heading out to Movie Night with my girlfriends and sent him a text to confirm meeting up later. And yes that is what I do. Send a conformation, because I do not let people hanging and do not bail on people. But instead of a yes, I got back “Oh, I’m on the Westside right now so let’s see where I end up later.” WHAT!!!! Now how simple would it have been for him to just tell me that earlier in the day, and I wouldn’t have planned meeting up (I mean really, I shaved my legs and everything!)… Now if that wasn’t enough I then got a text from him a little after 9… turns out he was not only too drunk to drive, but also too drunk to text! So yup Mr. Drunk was deciding to pass out at a buddy’s house instead of meeting up with me… At least that’s what I got out of the garbled letters and non-words that he had sent me… now really at that point what he should have said was: “Hardt, I’m just not that into you.” Though luckily I’m becoming very good at reading between the lines! So here’s the lesson for you guys- it doesn’t make it any easier for us when you try and tell us what we want to hear… because in the end we just end up more frustrated and disappointed in you than if you had just told the truth. And really, aren't you tired of always looking like the asshole?!

Where have all the good guys gone, they are dating someone else- that’s where!

So I’ve started to notice something lately, and it’s the same with me, my friends, friends of friends, pretty much every female out there I have come into contact with. When we go through a break up (or a break off as my last non-relationship can be called), we are emotional, sad, enjoy some booze, some food- whatever it takes. But we mourn the relationship and then spend time going on lousy dates and start to lose hope that we are ever going to find someone. Now the men in my life (and my friend’s lives) have all broken up with us and have moved directly on with someone else (more often than not they moved on with them BEFORE we ended but that’s an entirely different blog). It’s quite shocking. That these men, who we all can see really aren’t that great of catches, who were lucky to have any of us, were able to move on to someone else right away. There isn’t a mourning period, there isn’t a “lets be single for awhile” just an I met someone else, let’s be “friends”… it’s rather infuriating. Because here I am going on date after date with guys who are definitely not my soul mates (it’s actually quite shocking the amounts of dates I go on, only about a third go into the blogs. Mainly because they bored me to death on them, why bore you too! I’ve even had 3 very unexciting dates since Mr. Uni informed me that I wasn’t who he wanted to be with) But the truth of the matter is that when I find someone that I actually have a spark with I’m excited. I want to do whatever it takes to make it work. And more often than not the guy just wants to get laid, have someone to tell his problems to, a football buddy for the Chargers games- whatever it is. And then he gets laid, his problems go away and the season ends. And all that I am left with is a beer belly from Football Sundays, a high phone bill and a high sex drive that now will not get as much exercise. And while these guys are off courting their new girls, those of us leftover are all still clinging to the hope that maybe he will change his mind. I mean of course I’m fabulous, so maybe if I show him just how fabulous I am then he will want to date me. Maybe my homemade chicken soup will change his mind as well as make him better, I don’t see her bringing him that. Or some cookies after he’s had a hard day. Or someone to call and asked how his production meeting went, I mean I’m still involved in his life that has to be good right? Sure these guys will answer our calls (sometimes), will text message back (when it becomes convenient to them) so they must still be interested, right? And sure we all know we’ve gone on face book and checked out their status updates and new female friends (just like to state that EVERY SINGLE GIRLFRIEND of mine has gone on this month and done some ex stalking, just stating it’s just not me in that crazy place!)… .And sure we all get comments from these boys about our facebook updates, and male friends, and pictures. Oh he said I looked gorgeous for New Years Eve, that means he wants to get back together, right?! The answer to all these questions is- NO NO NO. No they don’t want to be together. No they don’t want to be friends. What they want is for us to still be that puppy dog following them around being lovely and amazing to them, while they go off and have sex and relationships with someone else. And this puppy dog is done following. But the sad matter of this is, they don’t really care. Because as a friend told me last night: Sadly they are trying to tell us something without actually having to say it. The reality is that they just aren’t that into us. And it’s sad. And it’s harsh. But once it’s said and out there and realized then it’s easy to move on. Because why call and care about someone who just doesn’t care about us? Why spend our life chasing after something that doesn’t want to be caught? I for one don’t want to. So instead I’ll just buy a new set of batteries (or maybe call up Mr. Ex because he’s always good for that!). Spend my minutes listening to my girlfriends problems instead of some guys. And spend my football Sundays with my girls, yelling at the screen drinking beer (I’m hearing rumors a keg will be involved this Sunday!) having my buffalo wings and the only boys I will be thinking about will be the ones wearing a bolt on their helmet. Because for both the Chargers and me, this is going to be our year baby. And we won’t let any boys stand in our way!

PS Don't take this as being bitter... in fact if I really had given up hope than why would I still be out there dating trying to find the one. I still believe he's out there. But the fact of the matter is I'm done holding my life as I wait for him to call. Not bitter. Just had some kick ass your fabulousness drilled into my brain by some amazing friends (and three horrible books that some of those friends bought me as jokes.... the books are horrible but some of the advice is not too bad!).

Must love ME- yup it's that time, AGAIN!

While sitting in a hot tub recently toasting in the New Year with my girls we were discussing what we want out of a man… and in fact one of the girls had said how she had made her list last New Years and now has found someone who fits all the criteria. Well I told them, but I do have a list and I add to it after everyone I date. So here is this list again, this time with some adjustments. Now let us see if I can stick to it this time!

- Must have a REAL job- no stuntman, model, stripper, flair bartender, pro-surfer, jet-skier, actor… But more than anything must be Career Driven. Nothing is sexier than a guy who is ambitious. I also need someone who understands when I can't make it home for dinner because we are shooting late, or when I need to work weekends to get caught up. But on the flipside, I want to be more than just an obligation or something that casually slips their mind, like washing dishes or taking out the trash. I need to be as equally as important as his job, if his job comes first than I will never be able to get what I need out of the relationship! I’m more than willing to be the cheerleader (outfit optional) but I need to know that at the end of the day he appreciates that, if he doesn’t than there’s the door.

- Must not have any piercings. No tongue, No nipple, No lip, and especially NO PENIS!

- Must be at least my age- if not OLDER! Must be a responsible Adult…No more 23 year old boys who are still trying to figure out their life. A job, car, apartment, direction in life... all things that should be a given when finding someone to date!

- Must be looking for an actual relationship. As Zoha says must have his light on- No flings. No rebound. No one-night Stands. No out of town fuck buddies. No casual relations… someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I'm not talking marriage, engagement, or even a serious relationship- just someone who at the end of a long work weeks wants to come home to me, just me. At the same time, I’d like to hope that when someone is dating me that they stop looking for someone else, because for once I’m waiting to be with someone who doesn’t tell me- well I met someone else…

- Must not have any ex's in their life! If she's still in love with you than you can move on from me! At the same time no girlfriends, no fuck buddies, no fiancés, no wives... and this one is non-negotiable. Though he must also have had stable relationships in the past, if they haven't been serious about someone in the past they aren't going to be able to be serious about me.

- Must not have gone to Jail or get arrested while we are dating! I know Janice can't handle having to try and bail another boyfriend out of the drunk tank!

- Must be College Educated. Sorry boys that's a requirement. I like having lively debates, I like discussing politics and I love someone who can put me in my place. At the same time I also think we learned more than just what our professors were teaching us in college. College is where you start to form the real friendships that last through our life… That safe environment shapes who we later become in life. Without that I think a lot of people are searching for answers… and although I think that's fantastic, I don't want to date that person anymore!

- Must be Adventurous… He's gotta love surfing and hiking with me. If the guy doesn't like water and sand than he doesn't have a chance! Plus I think only a guy who is willing to jump off a bridge, go white water rafting, running with the bulls or scuba diving with the stingrays on the spur of the moment would keep me interested for 50 years. Because that's what I'm looking for- 50 years, not 50 days!

- Must be Family Oriented. It's taken me a long time to admit this, but I'm finally getting to the point where I'm ready to think about settling down with a family. Not today, not tomorrow… but at the same time not too far into the future. So if you don't want children or need to wait another 10 years, keep moving because we won't work out. At the same time he needs to be involved with his own family. I know it's horrible to say, but I can't date someone else who has family issues- wither it be with a father, mother, sister, brother, cousin… whoever! I'm not your therapist and I'm not your quick fix!

- Core group of male friends. I know this seems like an odd one. But it's a deal breaker for me now. A guy without his guys has issues… or even a guy with a lot of new friends. And especially a guy that seems to have more girl friends than guys. I want to know that he’s more than just a flirt, but someone who when I want to have my girls nights is more than happy to spend the evening with his guys doing their own things… my friends are my life force and I also need someone to understand that! And accept that I have my Tuesday night dinners, and sometimes he just won't be invited to them.

- Must be outgoing and social… I love going out. A great party on a Saturday night is one of the great things in life. Going out, dressing up, having fun… that's part of my life… and with my career choice will always be part of my life. On the flip side he must also enjoy a Friday night in watching movies or a Sunday morning in bed drinking Mimosas. But at the same time must not like to sit and home and smoke pot all day long... because it the long run you will end up wanting the pot more than you want me. AND NO SMOKERS IN GENERAL.

- Must not live in a different city, state or take a job touring the US for 6 months at a time! But at the same time must not view living in Venice being "long distance" if he only lives in Burbank!

-Must say what he means and means what he says. Every guy in the past seems to say one thing, do another, and then will admit to a third. When a guy says I want to be with you, I want him to mean it. When a guy says I am in love with you, I want him to mean it. But if he starts to waiver or say he’s confused or doesn’t know what he wants then I’m going to have to walk away. Because in the end he will still not know what he wants, and that’s just preventing me from meeting the one who does. Because eventually I will meet the guy who does know what he wants- ME.

- But I guess the most important thing is he must love me. Not love who he thinks I am or the me who he thought I was or who he thinks I will be. But loves me. Me at my worst. The grumpy, demanding, whiny, solitary, spastic, loud, overbearing, crazy, dorky me. The me who spends way too much time on my computer. Too many hours dissecting my belly. Gets depressed when the scale goes up… and giddy when it goes down. Loves my family and my friends… and how disgustingly close I am to both of them. Accepts that I too am not perfect… but that we are perfectly imperfect for each other.

Midnight champagne, kisses and dreams.

2009 so far isn’t bringing too many changes into my life… I wish I could say that after a magical night the world changed. Instead it didn’t. I have the same problem I did in 2008, some even more so now! But I actually ended up spending the New Years at a pretty low key wine bar in Hollywood with a bunch of my really good girlfriends. It was chill and just what I needed. Some good food, lots of good alcohol, and great company. And after the crazy year that I have had that’s pretty much all that I needed. So maybe there wasn’t a kiss at midnight, but there were tons of hugs and a million text messages from friends. In the end I haven’t felt so loved in a long time… including texts from around the world (even Mr. Green from New Zealand) and even a message from my first boyfriend (from 6th grade!)… While driving home in the fog I thought I would be a little down for spending my New Years without someone, and instead I had a smile on my face. This is exactly how I wanted to start in the New Year. I have spent the last few weeks making a fool of myself and trying to hang on to someone who is clearly not interested in me… and instead of letting go I have let myself believe that I was just being a bit crazy and no he was still interested. Well this week I was proven wrong (shocking, right!), and have felt oh so much the fool. And sadly have lost respect for (and subsequently the respect of) someone that I have known for more than half my life! That being said, I’m happy to have spent the night not with someone who makes me feel insignificant, but with my girls who make me feel like I can conquer the world… let’s just hope that we can this year!!!

As for the days since New Year’s it’s been a crazy hodgepodge of friends, booze and fun. I woke up on New Year’s Day drastically early to head to brunch with my girls… it was mimosas, homemade donuts and old friends. Another perfect time on New Years, even if I was a tad hungover! Which then segued into a little nap, and then an evening of wine in a hot tub with my favorite crazy blonde. Last night was my favorite bar in Santa Monica to wingman another of my favorite blondes as she met up with her ex… and for once it was nice to have me not be the one flustered and twitterpated. And today will be spent with my girls watching the Chargers game at one of our standard sports bars (GO BOLTS!)… And although maybe I could ask for a better 2009 so far, the one thing I couldn’t ask for is a better group of friends. Who are always there. No matter what… I complain that I never get my cheerleader, but I think I’ve been looking in the wrong arena for it. So maybe these guys will never step up to the bat and be all that I want them to be. That’s ok, because I have a group of girls that take cheerleading to another level. And that, is what is going to make a perfect 2009!

2009, the year of Hardt.

I always start the year with my resolutions… always what I want in the year, to lose weight, to stop dating assholes, to get a better job… well this year I only have one resolution- ME. This year is going to be about me. I’ve lived this last year, and most of my life living for other people. Doing what others think is right. Doing what will make him happy. Doing what my parents want me to. Doing what society thinks I should… instead I’m going to live these next 12 months for me. Doing what I want. Doing what will make me happy! I’m going to spend a lot more time with myself… which could probably make me a lot more cranky and miserable, but at the end of the tunnel is a light much brighter than imagined. I’m going to live my life this year. I’m going to do more yoga, not because it will give me a better body but because it will give me a better mind. Surf in the mornings, not for a tan but to clear my head. Date that guy that thinks the world of me, not who is my world. To not accept being a fuck buddy. A friend with benefits. An in-between girl. The one you call up when you need to clear your head. The one who’s always there. The one who you can call back tomorrow, next week, next month… for once I want the guy who can’t wait to talk to me. It’s time to put down the pom poms and look for MY cheerleader for once. Someone who is going to think I’m amazing. Who wants to be with me. And only me. Someone who doesn’t have one eye at the door looking for someone better… I’m going to finally date for forever and not date just waiting for someone to leave me… because here’s the thing when you wait for them to leave, you will push them until they do.

It’s finally time to delete those in my life that don’t want the amazing and neurotic me. I’ve held on to many people from my past (both male and female, friends and lovers) that frankly don’t make me feel very good about myself. I’ve accepted what they will give me, and allowed myself to believe that that is all I deserve… I’ve allowed their thoughts to influence my own. I’ve been afraid to be alone way too much.

It’s time to finally say goodbye to many things... I’m done with the dramatics in my life, both personally and romantically. Instead it’s time for uncomplicated. This year has been about drama. Both brought to me and self inflicted. It’s time to stop thinking and just start living. To stop over analyzing every little thing. But also to stop trying to fix things. Sometimes you need to just throw out broken things, if it’s not working it might not be worth the effort to change that… and for me it’s just time to move on past many things in my life.

I’m going to finally find that job that settles me. That’s been missing from my life this year. And I think most of the reasons my life has unraveled as it has has been due to being out of work. I have had too much time to focus on things that I shouldn’t. I’ve tried to control too much in my relationships because that’s all that I could control.

I’ve been looking into the past way too much this year, and it’s finally time to really look into the future. And I’ve been saying that this entire year but haven’t had the nerve to really do it. Instead I’ve accepted what bones people threw at me. And that’s just not good enough for me. Because I truly do deserve the world, and maybe it’s time that I start to believe that.