Dating Mistake #1 of the year...

Sorry for the delay in posting the last couple of days… I know a few of you have been avidly checking the site to read the latest updates on my life. Really there are too many things to tell to put into one blog and at the same time nothing to tell… Some things right now are amazing… some are kind of sucky. And one is just a tad disappointing. But all of them I want to keep to myself for the time being… but for right now I’m going to examine one of the mistakes of the past…. I think I can pinpoint where I got off track this year. It was almost a year ago that I met Mr. Naked Bartender. And since I’ve verbally explained one too many times the mistakes of that relationship I thought I would let you physically see the mistake of that relationship. And with that I give you- Mr. Naked Bartender. WHAT WAS I THINKING? And yes this is one of his many new “promo” shots of his new tour- The Playgirl tour…

Grandmas, Vibrators and more!

So last night out with some of my girls a friend shared a story about her mother. This story is equally hilarious and disturbing at the same time. So Mrs. Grandma came to Los Angeles with one of her friends (Mrs. Grandmas Friend) to visit her daughter. Now Mrs. Grandma isn’t your typical Grandma. Although she is 80, she’s fun, dirty, and loves sex (really she probably is going to be me in 50 years!). So she was lamenting that she can no longer have sex with her husband and it was decided they would all go to the Pleasure Chest for a visit and maybe find a solution to her problem. Needless to say these two 80 year old women had a nice giggle in the shop but Mrs. Grandma fell for a loverly Vibrator, in fact it was a replica of a “black cock”- words on the box, not mine! But she was a little worried taking it back in her suitcase in case her husband saw it so she asked her friend to carry it back with her and they would meet up later in the week and she could get it back. So the plan was followed through on, and a week later Mrs. Grandma had her new vibrator and was a very happy camper. Until this weekend. When Mrs. Grandmas Friend went for drinks and told her a confession. Apparently a couple of months ago when she brought the vibrator back with her she got a little curious. And did something that is NEVER acceptable. She tried out the vibrator. Washed it. And then put it back in the box. And returned it to Mrs. Grandma all good and new. Gotta love 80 year olds and the things they do!

Happy. Me. Yay.

I’m going to start just by saying two simple words- I’m happy. Now those seem like easy words. And many of you are probably going, ok so what? But the thing is it’s been a really long time since I can honestly say I’m 100% happy (ok maybe only 90% but who’s counting!). After a really hard year it seems that things are finally getting back on track. I spent the summer sidetracked in a fantasy. I tried to hold on to something that was neither working nor what either of us really wanted because it was better to be living in a fantasy than have to deal with reality. And that summer fantasy rolled into fall in which reality can diving down on me (professional, personally and romantically). But I think it took that downfall to really wake me up to things in my life. Because sometimes when you look at all the things you don’t have you start to realize all the things that you do. .. and I began to realize for each thing on my list of what I thought my life would be like at 30 that I don’t have, there are at least 3 great surprises of things that I do have. Things that I couldn’t have imagined. And then all of a sudden like a snap things have started to get better. And then next thing you know I’m walking around with a smile on my face again. And I can’t really explain how it happened but this weekend it really just hit me. Happy. Me. YAY.

To High School and back again.

When you first start seeing someone there is something to be said for just taking it slow and getting to know them… last night Mr. Uni came down to watch the Chargers Game with me. The game was good (the Chargers finally won one), we ordered a pizza, had some beers and just relaxed. And it felt very right. Maybe it’s because we’ve known each other for 14 years but it felt nice to get to know each other on a different level. It’s easy to be comfortable with someone who has a shared history with you, we had similar high school experiences (mainly because we both were theatre geeks at the same high school), have common friends that have known us since way back when and heck he ever remembered who I went to homecoming with my Junior Year! And I have to say I’ve been having a really great time with him lately, just chilling, reminiscing about old times and of course some good old fashioned snogging. In fact I had forgotten just how much fun it can be to just make out with someone. When you get into a relationship you get into a pattern with sex. And no matter how great the sex is there is always a pattern. A little foreplay, a bit of sex, a nice orgasm and then you are done. Maybe a cuddle. Maybe just sleeping in your separate corners of the bed. But a good make out session can go all night. Now that’s not to say that Mr. Uni and I have been G rated… we definitely have gone into the Rated X category but like I use to say back at Uni, we so haven’t gone all the way… and I kind of like that. Now it hasn’t been for lack of him trying… but I’m enjoying taking it a bit slow (which has frustrated him a bit, but all in all he’s been a good sport). I’m just a little gun shy right now when it comes to men, relationships and (gasp) sex with someone new… And sometime a nice snog is a lot more satisfying than swinging from the rafters sex… not to say that I don’t want to have the sex with him… oh because especially after last night I so do. I’m just taking my time… and this time I think the wait is going to be worth it. Because this morning I definitely woke up with a smile on my face.

Bad sex and laughter!

"Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good, you don't have it anymore; if it's bad, you just had sex with an ex." – Sex and The City

Last night I went for drinks with Mr. Wyoming. Which we all know spelled disaster right from the start. And boy was it once again. But not in the same way, but in the exact same way as always. Ok I know that doesn't make much sense but let me start from the beginning. Friends were worried about me going into drinks with him because of what he does to me emotionally. He's the one ex who can make me feel like shit. The one who makes me doubt everything about my life. Like I'm the one who just isn't good enough. This time I thought things would be different. Even though I don't have my life together I finally do have one piece to the puzzle that is always missing, myself. For the first time in a really long time (if ever) I've been feeling really good about myself. Thanks to Turbo Kick Boxing and a very rigorous dieting place I finally have gotten down to a weight that I thought was impossible. I mean who would have thought I'd go from a Large to an Extra Small! And every time we got back together I would be on some diet, and whenever I'd bring up my weight he'd always have some pointer on how I could lose it. See looking good is very important to him. He's an actor, spends hours in the gym and has one of the best bodies I've ever seen. So I though well here is my chance to show him just how fantastic I look… best way to describe what an ass he is, is that when he saw me his only comment on the weight I've lost was you've really lost most of your breast haven't you… um, geez thanks!

But back to last night… we met up and he was 3 drinks in by the time I got there… it was funny seeing him nervous. But after a couple more drinks, and some shots we were back to laughing like old times. Luckily spending time with him didn't remind me why we got together in the first place but just kept reminding me why we were not together… but of course I got a bit drunk. And he really does have these nice teeth (Yea A I really was grasping at straws at the point) so when he leaned in to kiss me, I thought what the hell. And when he suggested heading back to my place, I though well what the hell. And then I was reminded exactly why were are not together. The Sex… He's that guy that freaks out with sex. He's fairly good at it (usually), enjoys it while in the moment, but you come to the point where he's about to cum and he freaks out. And it's something that used to annoy me beyond belief, but sadly last night I just started laughing. I was like and this is why we are not together. Sure there maybe fun sex involved (just last night we included the bed, the floor, the bathroom counter) but really fun does not always equal good. And at the end of the night when it was all said and done I don't think it was the sex that was not so good, but really the person… But at least I can close the door on this chapter of my life. With no regrets. No angry words. No nostalgia. Just with a good laugh and yet another story of another ex…

This one’s for the girls… US!

This is for all you girls about twenty-five
In little apartments just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and Spaghetti-Os
Wondering where your life is gonna go

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

I was going through my music, reorganizing it on my new computer (Whooo Hooo). And while I was doing that I started listening to a lot of songs that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. Some buck-o-nine, some real big fish, a little queen and then I came upon a song by Martina McBride that really just stuck with me. Because right now at 29 I know I don’t have my life figured out. I know I’m just one of those girls living on Dreams and Spaghetti-O’s (though with me it’s more like dreams and brie- but that doesn’t sound as dramatic) but I also know that I’m not the only one. This is the age when things change. When we all start to grow up. Our priorities shift. A job becomes a career, or if not then we go out searching for it. Apartments become condos and then houses… and all the stress that comes with it (E I can’t wait to have champagne in your new condo- whichever one it may be!). When stress about who we go home with on a Friday night gives way to who we want to wake up next to on our Sunday Mornings. Go from wanting someone to share a beer with occasional to sharing our bed with forever, complete with the 2.5 kids and dog… We’ve all had our hearts broken. And bounced back. That’s the thing about broken hearts, they hurt really bad at first, then it’s just kind of an ache as it grows back and then next thing you know you’ve given it to someone else and it’s bright and shiny and hopeful and just as good as new. And I especially know about loving without holding back… is there a song that can help me to learn how to hold back!!! We have gone from having our parents take care of us to being the one who comforts them. We start to lose friends and parents… But the one thing that is constant is the Dreams. I still wish on a star almost every night. Wish for small things, impossible things, heart retching things and sometimes just for a phone call… And sure most of the times they don’t come true, but that doesn’t stop me from looking for that star or tossing a penny into a fountain. Because without dreams and hope we really do have nothing. And I sit here this morning oddly full of hope. No nothing has happened to make me hopefully… but lately I have been giving up on it, and I think that might be why it’s given up on me. So instead I’m going to be the rosy optimist and say the words that make me want to throttle someone- It’s all going to be all right. And this one is for MY girls. The ones that are dealing with mid life crisis’s. Losing Jobs. Loved Ones. Family. Trying to find that perfect place to live. Trying to have those 2.5 kids. Dealing with yet another ass that broke your heart. Getting over the last relationship. Moving on with someone new. Trying to find your niche in the world. All that I have to say is this we truly are “going to make it after all” because we are all going to find what we are looking for... because there's gotta be something more!

My Ghosts of Christmas…

My Horoscope today: You will be presented with two choices, both of which are really tempting. You can’t choose both, so pick the one that’s best in the long-term…

I had to laugh this evening when I read my horoscope… They got it partially right. There are actually three choices this week in fact. Tonight I embark on 3 ex’s in 3 days. I don’t know why all 3 have been brought back into my life, though Mr. Ex really has never left, but I’m willing to put it in fates hands and find out what my 3 ex’s have to offer… In fact looking at my choices it really is the ghosts of Christmas Past… though what scares me is this thought- if they really are my ghost then does that make one the ghost of Christmas past, one the ghost of Christmas present, and the final one the ghost of Christmas future.

Tonight’s the easy ghost… Mr. Ex. As you are well aware I’ve been dating him for the last couple of months and things are going really well. Things just are easy between us. There isn’t any drama. There isn’t any confusion. Just two great friends that like to keep each other company romantically in-between relationships and platonically when we are in relationships. Tonight is just a simple night. A Movie. A fire. A nice bottle of wine…

Tomorrow’s ghost is a little more complicated, Mr. Wyoming. His relationship and mine was never easy. We truly did fight but then make up in the most spectacular fashion… already I can see the spark between us. But mainly because we really do just drive each other crazy. Already since we’ve started talking there has been drunken messages and an apology (him to me) and we haven’t even seen each other yet! He's one that will never be my future or my present... but it would be nice to be able to put all of our past where it belongs, in the past.

The last ghost I’m keeping to myself for a bit.. Don’t worry he’s not complicated at all. Though I wouldn’t say he’s easy either. He’s right in-between… and I think he scares me the most. Maybe because he’s one that I’ve always had unfinished business with. One of the few that didn't break my heart!

Over the last week I’ve had to deal with a different set of three boys. One that I’m sadly still in love with, one that I’ve become more and more enamored with as I've gotten to know him, and one that I’ve found I’m very sexually compatible with. Three different boys. And those three also can be catagorized as past, maybe future, and present. But no matter what there seem to be way too many ghosts hanging around in my head (and my bedroom) for me to really move toward that future.

But none-the-less I sit here and wonder what my ghosts will bring this week… I know they really won’t bring my future. And I know I need to stop looking into my past. It always just ends up hurting me… Case in point this weekend. There is something about being told that you are not only replaceable but tradable that really gets to a girl… Never thought of myself as a trading card, and I never hope to again. I just hope I was worth the trade… But for now I’m looking into the future… maybe it will have my past, maybe not. But for now I’m going to just enjoy the next three days. Let’s just hope the fates don’t end up laughing at me when it’s all said and done.