The reality of dating

On my quest for the perfect job I’ve sent out resumes everywhere in the last couple of weeks… I’ve also had a little fun with applying for things- yea I’m a big dork. So as a joke I sent in photos and responses to a couple of reality shows. Now we all know that they aren’t “real” but they still are funny, and I never thought I’d get any kind of response…. Though personally I really want to be on the How to look better naked show! But I digress, so Monday afternoon I got a call from one of the ones I had sent in applications for- A REALITY DATING SHOW. Now I can’t divulge which one, since I signed my life away with confidentiality, but let’s just say if I get a “match” I will join the rotation of girls… oh too funny all in itself but the highlight of the experience was not the “interview” itself but the questionnaire… I thought I’d share with you the highlights from my application- with my responses but also with the responses that I really wanted to write!

Longest Relationship?
Actual Response: On and off for 4 years
What I wanted to say: Well really I’ve only done on and off relationships that have lasted a couple of months (usually 4 at the most) but then they drag on (i.e. we sleep together again, start dating for another 4 months to only realize why we broke up in the first place, break up once again and then repeat a month or two down the line)

Have you ever posted or had someone else post nude or semi-nude pictures on the internet?
Actual Response: An ex posted a picture of me on craigslist but it was taken off promptly.
What I wanted to say: Actually it was many pictures and my phone number so if I’m on the show people may come out and say I was a hooker, although I so am not!

What is your type?
Actual Response: Athletic, Fit, Adventuresome, usually falls in the “bad boy” category
What I wanted to say: Great body, Hot, Unable to commit, Asshole, Poor, Some sort of Stunt Man/Pro Surfer, Player, Always bad for me…

Most people I’ve dated say I’m too?
Actual Response: Loud
What I wanted to say: Sex Crazed (though sarcastic and argumentative come a close second!)

One thing I’ve learned from my parents relationship?
Actual Response: That soul mates do exist
What I wanted to say: that and my dad’s golden rule on keeping a marriage going- Lots of good sex.

Have you ever done anything in your past that would cause the producers embarrassment?
Actual Response: No
What I wanted to say: Nothing that hasn’t happened to any reality show participant in the past…and although my past is very tame considering most reality TV stars I’d have to be pretty damn boring if I had nothing in my past that would cause a reaction of sorts!

Have you or anyone else created a website about you?
Actual Response: I have a blog about dating
What I wanted to say: Well of course I have myspace, facebook, friendster, not to mention I have a blog all about my sex life and then one solely about my drinking habits! But don’t worry I’m neither an alcoholic nor a nympho!


Reason your last relationship ended?
Actual Response: I found out he was cheating on me so I ended it.
What I wanted to say: Found out that my Bartender boyfriend was really a stripper who got himself arrested in Illinois while we were dating and then after my father helped arrange for him to leave the state and my mother bought his ticket I then found out he went straight from the plane to his ex’s house- who turns out wasn’t his ex but basically the girl he screwed on the side the entire time we were dating and financially supported him. Oh and yea there were those pictures he posted of me on the internet and the threatening of my life!

Are you single?
Actual Response: Yes
What I wanted to say: Well yes I am but I’m praying that by the time you actually call me to be on the show that I won’t be (*Wink wink- Nudge Nudge*) and therefore will not have to humiliate myself on TV by announcing to everyone I have ever met, including my very old grandparents, that I obviously cannot find a man on my own and now have resorted to a dating show in order to find my soul mate!

So stay tuned… and maybe one day soon you will get to see me dating right in your living room! Though cross your fings that is hasn't come to this!

Hardt takes public transportation

After living in Los Angeles the last 7 years I’ve come to think of Public Transportation as something that other people ride on… and more often than not am just upset when I’m stuck behind one of those horrible old buses that make a stop at every freaking corner! But today I adventured up from San Diego on a train, a metro, and a trolley… And I have to say it was kind of fun. The morning started out on the Pacific Liner down in San Diego at 7:10am. Luckily it was pretty empty so I got a row to myself with a prime window that would look out on the ocean when we drove by. As soon as I got on I also noticed that it not only had seat trays, a foot rest, but it also had a plug so I could power up my phone and computer. YAY… and internet access when I connected to random wireless along the route! Though I didn’t get to use it that much since rafter a weekend of not getting enough sleep I was passed out before we started and woke up with only about 45 min left on the ride… double YAY.

When I got off the train in LA I realized that I still wasn’t able to get a hold of anyone to pick me up so I though- I’ll take the metro, that sounds like fun, right?! And actually it was. I took the Metro Red Line to North Hollywood and was unbelievably clean, fast, and air-conditioned! Within 15 minutes I was at the North Hollywood Station, followed the signs across the street and immediately boarded this trolley/bus hybrid (the Orange Metroliner). And once again it was unbelievably clean, fast and air-conditioned. The only part of the adventure that wasn’t clean, fast and air-conditioned was my walk from the Metroliner stop home

Monkey jumping in my bed...

Over the years people have to come to know my currents and ex’s, almost as intimately as I have, through my blogs… they have their favorites, the ones they hate, the ones they root for (upon talking to my mother that Mr. Green seems to be sprinting ahead of the pack her response was: “But what about Mr. Disney”… didn’t even know she read my blogs!) and even the ones that they love to watch fail (as I found out on all the laughter of Mr. Arizona’s current predicament). And since more often than not I’m complaining about an ex, I thought I’d share the current ex that is amusing me the most- Mr. X, of course. Now he’s been in India for a week and a half, and as a joke I asked him to bring me back a monkey. In fact have told him that the only way that he will find his way back into my bedroom when he returns from India will be if he brings me that said monkey… and so last week the pictures of Monkeys began. And I have to say I get a smile on my face when once a day I get new pictures of monkey… so I thought I would share with you my favorite pictures so that maybe you too can have a smile on your face (the best is the one where you can see him also taking the picture on his I-phone and it looks like the monkey’s about to attack him!)

Enjoy my monkeys!

Destination Dating

Over the last week I’ve spent some time getting to know Mr. Green a little bit better. Which has been hard seeing as I live in Los Angeles and he lives in San Diego, and was even further away in Las Vegas for a long weekend. So “getting to know” mainly consisted of emails, myspacing, facebooking, iming, and drunk text messaging… which you know is never a good thing early on when you are trying to get to know someone! And which of course lead me to where I am right now- Early Monday morning on the train coming up from San Diego. Oh yes, after a weekend of drunken texting we decided to make date number two in San Diego… Some thing decided while he was drunk on Friday night and I was exhausted from too many birthday celebrations. The timing worked out perfectly, I would be able to drive down with friends that were in town on Sunday afternoon and then take the train back up on Monday morning (his treat of course!)… So really having nothing to lose, I hoped into the car with my girls for a road trip and jaunted down for the day.

Now I came down to San Diego on Sunday with little expectations. After all we don’t really know each other yet, he’s a proven player (and as I was reminded by a friend Saturday I myself have spent the summer enjoying dating and the single life a little too much), the younger brother of one of my guy friends, 4 years younger than me and way too similar to the type of guys that I usually date- which we all know always ends up in a ball of flame somewhere down the line. But once again Mr. Green surprised me and we had a great time on what can only be described another unconventional date. The first one was a 25 hour whirlwind in Los Angeles and Disneyland and the 2nd one turned out to be 12 hours in San Diego consisting of: meeting him at the airport with his brother (since his flight was an hour delayed getting out of Vegas), dinner (Thai food, cute place, extra points for sharing food), watching the sun set over the ocean in Pacific Beach (another extra point for indulging me in my romantic notions and keeping me warm), doing his laundry (very romantic I know, but I was there in the only 12 hour window he had between playing with the boys in Vegas and a working trip in Chicago so we didn’t deduct points for that one), a jaunt to La Jolla to pick up my stuff from a friend (and his third set of points for not complaining about going especially since there was the possibility of me getting us lost finding her place) and then finally back to his place to watch a movie and pass out after a long exhausting weekend. Not your conventional date, but a memorable one none-the less. And this morning after a quick trip to Starbucks he dropped me off at the train before heading to the airport himself. And with a smile on my face I sit here enjoying a nice relaxing train ride back up North thinking that maybe there is something to this destination dating after all! This morning we discussed the possibility of date number three being down in Dana Point. Halfway between our two cities, and right on the water so we can kayak to the tide pools and explore some caves up around Laguna… The only question is- can two people from two far away cities who both have commitment issues manage to throw caution to the wind and actual try dating? I don’t know the answer to that one yet, and for once I’m going to take my time before jumping into anything, but for now I sure am going to enjoy finding out that answer!

Monkey jumping on my bed!

Over the years people have to come to know my currents and ex’s, almost as intimately as I have, through my blogs… they have their favorites, the ones they hate, the ones they root for (upon talking to my mother that Mr. Green seems to be sprinting ahead of the pack her response was: “But what about Mr. Disney”… didn’t even know she read my blogs!) and even the ones that they love to watch fail (as I found out on all the laughter of Mr. Arizona’s current predicament). And since more often than not I’m complaining about an ex, I thought I’d share the current ex that is amusing me the most- Mr. X, of course. Now he’s been in India for a week and a half, and as a joke I asked him to bring me back a monkey. In fact have told him that the only way that he will find his way back into my bedroom when he returns from India will be if he brings me that said monkey… and so last week the pictures of Monkeys began. And I have to say I get a smile on my face when once a day I get new pictures of monkey… so I thought I would share with you my favorite pictures so that maybe you too can have a smile on your face (the best is the one where you can see him also taking the picture on his I-phone and it looks like the monkey’s about to attack him!)Enjoy my monkeys!

Once upon a time...

Now we all know how much I love birthdays, especially mine. And every year I kind of try and one up myself with how to celebrate it… but if you had told me that I would start celebrating this years with a whirlwind 24 hour first date I would have laughed at you… if you had then told me that it would be with someone I went to Green Elementary with, I would have known you were making something up. Add the fact that he’s the younger brother of one of my friends would put you maybe in the crazy category. And if you had told me that I had only previously hung out with him for roughly 30 minutes 2 months ago, and that he would drive up from San Diego to go to Disneyland than I would have said you were insane… But I would definitely have had you committed if you had told me I had a fantastic time! But it would be the truth…So here is a top ten list from one of the most fun first dates… and seeing as he does occasionally read my blogs (as does his brother!) I can’t kiss and tell (though he did ask that I put in that the first kiss was on Mr. Toads Wild Ride!) here are the 10 highlights of my date with Mr. Green:

10) ROCK BAND- The previous evening he was given the choice of a night out at crazy trendy LA hotspots or staying in and playing Rock Band with 7 of my girlfriends. And he actually chose to stay in and geek it out with the rest of us. First point in his favor!

9) Getting stuck right at the end of the Haunted Mansion. Seriously we were at the exit but couldn’t get off the ride! Too funny… and such my luck. Though we found a way to pass the time…

8) My fortune(s) at the candy store… First fortune- NO FORTUNE. Wasted 50 cents to be told I have no Fortune… like I needed that prediction. Ok I thought I’ll try another fortune teller. I listened while the girl in front of me read hers, all about how she’s about the meet the man of her dreams… yes I thought, this one’s my machine! And guess what came out: NOTHING once again!!! Seriously I’m even cursed at Disneyland.

7) Turkey Leg- ok it tasted like ham and the skin was nasty… but seriously who on a date has a leg of meat the size of their head! Though the McDonalds French fries were a close second! Junk food- YAY!

6) Being only 2 people- seriously here’s a plus for being a couple, we got to skip ahead in all the lines… YAY! And fast pass works great, except you can’t get more than one at a time! But oddly enough the lines weren’t too bad, and although we did miss Space Mountain we at least got to ride everything else at least once!

5) Pirates Lair on Tom Sawyer Island- Ok this is possibly the best thing ever- caves, treasures, bridges, a tree house, a boat ride… And although I realize that it’s really just for the kids, it’s also fun for those kids at heart.

4) Watching him get heckled at the Sword and the Stone… nothing like watching your date get emasculated in front of a bunch of kids to really make you smile.

3) Poison Apple Shots from the bartender at Downtown Disney. So I made the mistake of asking the bartender to make me a really fun shot with a horrible Disney name- oh my! 3 shots later and we were DRUNK!

2) Having someone equally as geeky to geek it out with me! Nothing would have been worse than having someone look at me like I was crazy as I skipped and bounced my way through the park. And although he did tease me like crazy he allowed me to turn into the 6 year old Disney Princess that I have hidden inside me… letting me stalk characters, take pictures of me and EVERYTHING, ride my favorite rides twice, share junk food with me all day, go with me to Snow Whites’ Castle and my wishing well but basically just put up with a smiley, giggly, loud, spastic, childish me! He got mad props for making it through the entire day!

1) And the top thing on the list would be getting my birthday wish under the fireworks… but sorry guys that story is just for me!

525,600 Minutes... how do you measure a year in MY life?

As I sit here on the eve of my birthday I got to thinking about this last year… All the changes. Some subtle…some dramatic. All the events, places I’ve visited, people I’ve met, boys I’ve loved, friends I’ve lost… It’s been a wild and crazy ride!

I should have known that my year was going to be topsy turvy- after all it got kick started in July with amazing events and a tragedy or two… A trip to Arizona with Alissa for my birthday started out awesome- can’t kiss and tell for her but let’s just say between the two of us it ended up with multiple guys, lots and lots of shots (plus some Donkey Drunk Love Punch Juice- don’t ask!), some dancing, a little vomiting in a bar, a lot of making out, and an offer to get a hotel room down the street to finish the party! But the evening of insanity was followed by a morning of sadness as I got the call from one of my parents best friends who couldn’t wake up her husband… so they day was spent watching their granddaughter as my mother dealt with their relatives and my father helped deal with the coroner (thanks Alissa for helping me sit even though you were hungover as hell! We returned to LA for a birthday brunch filled with Mimosas and surfing kicking off the actual day and with a party to follow with all my closest and dearest... even a few birthday friends up from San Diego and down from San Francisco (one, Mr. High School even became another “Mr.” on my list!) Everything seemed right to kick off another great year. And then 2 weeks later I broke my nose surfing and I think everything kind of went down hill from there! Though around that time my future boyfriend was born, so all in all not too bad of a month… that poor kid will grow up with me as his Aunt and his future girlfriends will get the line “But I got to hold him when he was only a few hours old!”

August found me with a new nose and down in San Diego for two trips- even won 6 dollars at the race track- Thanks Erika for putting up with my insane happiness over 6 dollars! Back in Los Angeles after finishing up on Cloverfield I started working for this INSANE producer, and the wild ride began again! But mainly the month was spent in the sun, not surfing since I couldn’t but laying around trying to get that damn bump to go down!

September came and went without too much excitement, a few boys came and went but as my mom likes to say- No one to write home about! I did do my first Marathon- well sort of. I did the Boston Walking Marathon (trust me I think it’s harder to walk the marathon route than it is to run it! That heartbreak hill is a KILLER!) and in October I finally headed back to New York, but this time unfortunately for the funeral of one of the greatest woman I know… While I was there I got to visit the old NYU haunts and hang out with my east coast friends Sara and Jenny that I never get to see and spend a little time over at the New York Film Festival where the bane of my existence was being premiered!

November was a sad month for me- the trusty Blazer went up in smoke! Luckily I was able to upgrade to my sexy Escape! And somewhere around August I reconnected with Mr. Wyoming but lucky around the time I got my car we see him exit for good!

December was good and bad to me. I headed back to Ohio and Arizona for Christmas. It was a really horrible trip- and I had given up liquor to fit into a bikini for Hawaii so it was doubly horribly!!! And at this junction we finally see the exit of Mr. Arizona… and for all of you that have been following my saga with him over the years you might be interested in knowing he should have a new name now- Mr. Wisconsin and Mr. Father! But thankfully I am not the girl he got pregnant (though not for lack of trying while I was home for Christmas) and he has moved back home with his “fiancée”, is unemployed and living in his father’s house. As my Dad put it- I sure did dodge a bullet with that one! But I digress… back to my recap! Right after Arizona I was able to leave for what I thought was 7 days in heaven (AKA the Big Island of Hawaii with Janice and Stitz… and the Boomers! Oh it was heaven all right, but we got stuck for 11 days in heaven and were only able to leave the Island after buying another airplane ticket- this time a very expensive one! But while I was there I got to swim, snorkel, hike, rock climb, hike rain forests and active volcanoes, play with turtles and babies, lay in the sun, hitch hike with crazy locals and tourists, sip champagne and skinny dip for New Years and basically just enjoy the best life has to offer (It was an amazing trip… only to be toped by Jamaica in 2 months!)

Now the start of the New Year and the last 6 months have kind of passed in a blur… Everyone is sick of hearing about Mr. NakedBartender and frankly I’m so sick of talking about him… so if you want the recap read the numerous blogs but basically fell in love, found out he was cheating on me with everything that move (and trust me some of them were DOGS), had his ex/current mistress go crazy and accuse me of everything under the sun, then got posted topless on craigslist with my actual phone number under the erotic services section, got my heart broken, but then finally fell out of love with him. But he wasn’t a total loss… I did get to go to Vegas and check off two things on my list of things to do (get caught having sex in a National Park… and the girl who hate’s BJ’s got to give one while NakedBartender was driving my car down the Sunset Strip- hey when a man says I love you and you are drunk everything seems like a good idea!)… We also had a horrible trip to Chicago- and although it rained I would have loved to enjoy the city but instead got stuck in the hotel with a grumpy male that only wanted to complain about everything in life… And I will have to use my Dad’s expression about him here too: You really dodged a bullet with that one too! And as you know around this time came the return of two ex’s- Mr. Baby R and Mr. Brazil… this first was a short visit and the second is here to stay. And oddly am actually missing him now that he’s in India for the rest of the summer- but hey at least I get pictures of Monkeys!

And just when I though things couldn’t get worse than unemployed and exposed on the internet I managed to deal myself the worst blow- with a shot and a lemon I managed to get myself Salmonella Poisoning! And 3 weeks and 4 different medications later I’m still trying to recover… but am looking forward to the last year of my 20’s! I spent last weekend relaxing with old friends, drinking one too many beers (and taste testing my Vodkas), swimming in the pool (plus a water gun fight or two), playing rock band (like the spastic retard that I am) and enjoying life on the 4th! This week I’ve planed an insane time to celebrate the start of the end… Vodka tasting (and requisite Rock band) tonight, Disneyland tomorrow (with fireworks. YAY!), Surfing and Margaritas at the Beach on Thursday, SAKE BOMING Thursday night with my girls to celebrate my yearly milestone, and then Saturday my girls from Green and Uni are coming up for an afternoon of fun by the pool and a night out for my birthday!

All in all it’s been an insane year… but haven’t they all been! But let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else at the moment. I’ve got some great friends in my life (and even some awesome guys I can rely on!). A trip to Jamaica planed in September and hopefully a float trip at the end of the month. I’m once again wearing a bridesmaid dress in August at the wedding of my closest friend since 2nd grade… and who care that I’m going dateless! Erika and my parents are accompanying me, and we plan to drink and dance the night away! So I’m ready to turn 29… optimistic, hopefully, and dare I say it- HAPPY!