I guess before I go into what’s been going on in LA with Mr. FB I probably should go back to last weekend in Havasu with Mr. Piranha. The conclusion of my spring romance. Now when I left it I was just trying to enjoy the time we had together. He had his freak out, but was getting better. After that we spent a great week together. Lots of sex (like usual), lots of basketball, a little working out (I got to ride my bike around the island as he ran to get him in training for his trek up Mt. Whitney, and a very romantic dinner out. Now all around everything was going great and while we were having desert at our favorite Italian place on Thursday night he made a joking comment and thanked me for dating him. I was like in general or just tonight? He laughed and said a little of both. I took that to be a good sign and then made the stupid mistake of saying well that’s great, we are good then right? No need to have any conversation about us going back. And that’s when he dropped the bombshell of well yea everything is amazing HERE but that he can’t be in a relationship when he gets back. At that point my mouth basically dropped, I was pretty blind sighted. I was expecting for things to take a step back, you can’t go from living and working with someone to then living and working separately without taking a few steps back. And in fact I was looking forward to us just going back to dating and really getting to know each other… turns out he wasn’t. In fact he said he needs to get things sorted out in his life (Therapy is one of the things he’s starting up when he gets back from his hike) and just can’t have the distraction of a girlfriend right now. Part of that I understand because I’m in the same mindset right now, and he legitimately has too much going on. Besides Mount Whitney this week he heads back east for a wedding in New York of one of his frat brothers, he’s in the middle of pitching his internet cartoon to Fox and the Cartoon Network, he’s in the middle of finishing his script, trying to get his blog up and running and only has a few more weeks to do all this before the show he works on is back from Hiatus. That part I understand and knew we could work around!) but then he dropped the part that I can’t work around. He said that we both got way more attached than we thought we would, to which I pointed out yes but as you are admitting YOU ARE ATTACHED. Turns out whatever we have going on has scared him, and as happy as I am for a guy to finally admit that yes he cares but just is running scared from it, it still sucks. Because in the long run I am ending up alone while he figures out his life and most likely will move on completely healthy to his next girlfriend!
And I guess things should have ended that night. But seeing as he was still staying with me until Friday they didn’t. We went home, went to bed, cuddled a bit but that was it. And the next morning when he was off to work he once again woke me up like he always does for a kiss goodbye before he heads out the door. But from there I was just confused and hurt. Here is this GREAT guy who for once in my life things have just been easy with. There hasn’t been any drama. No fighting. No arguments. Everything has been too perfect in fact. Too easy. And turns out I wasn’t the only one who though that… He kept asking me what I wanted and why, but I wasn’t able to really give him an answer that night. Which is why we ended up on that constant loop of him saying that he can’t be in a relationship and that he felt like a douche… well that may be the case, but at the same time I know he’s right there but just too afraid to take the leap. I know part of the problem is that he’s still really screwed up about his ex… and I also know he’s still screwed up about his feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Now I don’t know what his past relationship was like with his ex or what his feelings for our friend really are, I know that both these girls seem to have him scared big time. And that makes him want to run very very fast for this. But at the same time I think we both are making a mistake to just walk away from this. Because this isn’t about our pasts, and yes I can admit I do have my past baggage. In the middle of our disagreement he joked that he couldn’t throw a rock without hitting one of my ex’s. I tried to point out that this isn’t about those past relationships though. This should be just about us. Which is still way simpler than any of that. Way simpler that it’s ever been for us in our pasts. It’s about the fact that he makes me laugh. He kept asking way, and that’s it. I fell for a guy who makes me laugh in a way that I had forgotten I could. At the same time I know he fell for a girl who can make him smile again. And not the grin, ha ha smile. But the big jack-o-lantern, dimples-inducing, sheepish wrinkle causing smile. It started out simple and uncomplicated…and I don’t see why it couldn’t continue that way. I know he’s thinking commitment, and relationships and heartache and drama. But what I kept trying to tell him was that I was always talking about just keeping that smile and laughter going. I wasn’t thinking long term let’s move in together, get married, raise our 3.5 kids and make each other miserable… It was more along the lines of I don’t know what my life has in store after today so let’s try something, let’s go hiking, get some surfing in, maybe a little ice cream sandwich at Diddy Reese, some sex occasionally… but just go back to taking it slow and actually get to know each other. Cuz maybe we would hate each other, or maybe we would grow bored, maybe we wouldn’t have any time or maybe all the time in the world… Sometimes things are hard. And yet sometimes they are really just easy. And it’s those easy things that are so rare and so few that it’s hard to let them just pass us by.
And it’s just been a few weeks. Very easy for both of us to walk away… yet somehow I don’t think it’s that easy for a guy who makes sure to give me a kiss goodbye before work every morning. A guy who brings me a drinks when I’m relaxing in the bath. A guy who hops into the bed at night after sex with his guitar to sing me to sleep. A guy who cleans my apartment as a surprise knowing I didn’t have time to before my friends come into town. A guy who remembers my favorite cheeses when I’m having a horrible day (and makes sure I eat enough so that I don’t “die”- his word, not mine). A guy who not only snuggles up against me at night but will kiss the back of my shoulder when he thinks I’m sleeping. And a guy who even on that next morning when I cuddled up against him did that little half moan of mmmmm at it… But then again maybe it’s just me that will have a hard time walking away from that guy…
And I guess things should have ended that night. But seeing as he was still staying with me until Friday they didn’t. We went home, went to bed, cuddled a bit but that was it. And the next morning when he was off to work he once again woke me up like he always does for a kiss goodbye before he heads out the door. But from there I was just confused and hurt. Here is this GREAT guy who for once in my life things have just been easy with. There hasn’t been any drama. No fighting. No arguments. Everything has been too perfect in fact. Too easy. And turns out I wasn’t the only one who though that… He kept asking me what I wanted and why, but I wasn’t able to really give him an answer that night. Which is why we ended up on that constant loop of him saying that he can’t be in a relationship and that he felt like a douche… well that may be the case, but at the same time I know he’s right there but just too afraid to take the leap. I know part of the problem is that he’s still really screwed up about his ex… and I also know he’s still screwed up about his feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Now I don’t know what his past relationship was like with his ex or what his feelings for our friend really are, I know that both these girls seem to have him scared big time. And that makes him want to run very very fast for this. But at the same time I think we both are making a mistake to just walk away from this. Because this isn’t about our pasts, and yes I can admit I do have my past baggage. In the middle of our disagreement he joked that he couldn’t throw a rock without hitting one of my ex’s. I tried to point out that this isn’t about those past relationships though. This should be just about us. Which is still way simpler than any of that. Way simpler that it’s ever been for us in our pasts. It’s about the fact that he makes me laugh. He kept asking way, and that’s it. I fell for a guy who makes me laugh in a way that I had forgotten I could. At the same time I know he fell for a girl who can make him smile again. And not the grin, ha ha smile. But the big jack-o-lantern, dimples-inducing, sheepish wrinkle causing smile. It started out simple and uncomplicated…and I don’t see why it couldn’t continue that way. I know he’s thinking commitment, and relationships and heartache and drama. But what I kept trying to tell him was that I was always talking about just keeping that smile and laughter going. I wasn’t thinking long term let’s move in together, get married, raise our 3.5 kids and make each other miserable… It was more along the lines of I don’t know what my life has in store after today so let’s try something, let’s go hiking, get some surfing in, maybe a little ice cream sandwich at Diddy Reese, some sex occasionally… but just go back to taking it slow and actually get to know each other. Cuz maybe we would hate each other, or maybe we would grow bored, maybe we wouldn’t have any time or maybe all the time in the world… Sometimes things are hard. And yet sometimes they are really just easy. And it’s those easy things that are so rare and so few that it’s hard to let them just pass us by.
And it’s just been a few weeks. Very easy for both of us to walk away… yet somehow I don’t think it’s that easy for a guy who makes sure to give me a kiss goodbye before work every morning. A guy who brings me a drinks when I’m relaxing in the bath. A guy who hops into the bed at night after sex with his guitar to sing me to sleep. A guy who cleans my apartment as a surprise knowing I didn’t have time to before my friends come into town. A guy who remembers my favorite cheeses when I’m having a horrible day (and makes sure I eat enough so that I don’t “die”- his word, not mine). A guy who not only snuggles up against me at night but will kiss the back of my shoulder when he thinks I’m sleeping. And a guy who even on that next morning when I cuddled up against him did that little half moan of mmmmm at it… But then again maybe it’s just me that will have a hard time walking away from that guy…
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