The sound of patterns breaking.

This week I’ve slowly slipped back into some old habits, to which a friend called me out on the other night, her exact words were- you always use Booze and Men to deal with breakups… and it’s true I do. So this week I have attempted to change that a bit. Some parts were easy, some a little harder and some were more impossible than I thought they would be!

The easy one was to not jump right back out into the dating world… Now I’ve been dating through the summer (Mr. C and O, Mr. Disney, Mr. First to name a few, but have mainly been a one man woman) and with the end of another chapter in my Mr. book I’ve once again found myself out there trying to really date again… and 2 guys who have been hovering about for the summer finally decided to make their move when hearing I was once again back on the market… now blowing them off was the easy part of the week. I don’t really want to be dating anyone at the moment, and used the break as an excuse and was able to turn both dates into “non-dates” with a counter offer of Hiking with one and then turned drinks with the other into come into the bar while I’m bartending and we will catch up.

Now the part that was a little harder was dealing with Mr. Ex… now that he’s back in town he’s ready to start back where we left off. And it’s easy to slip into comfortability with him, we do it every time I end things with someone… but I realized this week that I don’t think that’s what I want when a couple days later, and many conversations between us, I still haven’t told him that I broke things off with Mr. G. I don’t know why I haven’t. Maybe because I know he will just laugh and say I told you so (all summer whenever I would mention it, Mr. Ex always just said don’t worry that’s just a fling between the two of you, I’ll see you when I get back in town)… and maybe because with each break up it’s harder to say no to Mr. Ex when he’s offering me so many things that I do want… but one thing I know for certain is it’s not as lonely waking up in bed alone, as it is waking up in bed next to someone and wishing they were someone else.

And now the next to impossible part, breaking my cycle with the guys I meet. I know what I’m looking for (in fact we all know what I’m looking for, I blog about my lists enough!) but when I go out I am like a moth to a flame for the biggest asshole in the bar. Last night while out with the girls to cheer me up I once again meet my type: Hot, Great Body, 24, Model looks… and while talking to him I realize just how easy it would be to just go down that path again. But after dating an actual nice guy the last couple of months, it was a bit easier to walk away from the asshole at the end of the night. Mind you I know we would have had an amazing time together, and boy do I ever need THAT right now… but at the end of the night I was able to finish my drink and just say goodnight. Because I’m never going to meet Mr. Right always dating Mr. Wrongs.

Houdini of the dating world

I spent this morning thinking about the men that disappear and the relationships that don't officially end but just fizzle out. Now as you can tell from my honest (sometimes too honest) blogs I'm pretty straight forward. This wasn't always the case… in fact in multiple break ups early on in my dating life I was told that I was cold, had this wall around me, didn't care… but in the last 2 years I've actually kind of broken down that wall and am now also too honest in my relationships. Maybe it's because I've learned from my mistakes, maybe it's because I've matured or maybe I'm just sick of wasting my time on relationships that are never going to work. Whatever the case may be I've taken to wearing my heart on my sleeve (and my blog)… and when it comes to breaking things off with people I also prefer the honest way… as opposed to the "disappearing man"… there is nothing worse than just having someone disappear on you, with little or no explanation, so when I see that this is starting to happen I have this bad habit of pushing the guy until he finally just ends it. Because I'm sick of wasting my time on men that are just going to leave anyways, it's better to just rip off that Band-Aid and although there will be pain for a bit, it will eventually go away. So last night I decided that it might be time to rip off that Band-Aid and called the guy that I have been dating for the last couple of months. Now I didn't know for sure that it was over, every time I tried to bring "us" up recently he would tell me that he's just busy at work, is still interested in "dating" and wants to make it up to LA really soon… and I've tried taking that at face value. But since returning from Vacation the communication has been really minimal. And despite a few text messages or im's telling me how much he wants me, we haven't really talked at all. A few emails here and there, but nothing really substantial… Now in his defense he really has been crazy busy at work, and I totally understand he needed last weekend to just relax. After all driving up to LA and spending a weekend with me is fairly exhausting… and when he said "soon, really soon" I took that to mean that he actually would try and make it up here "soon"… turns out that soon is just thrown out the window… because if he really did want to spend time with me, he would have said "next weekend" or "the weekend after" instead. So last night I called him so that I could find out what really was going on… and now 13 hours later he still hasn't returned that call! Guess silence might not be golden in this case, but it sure is telling! It's not surprising that he didn't call back, he has a tendency to just get home from work, smoke a bowl and then veg in front of the TV (or Rock Band)… and when I got home from work I did have an facebook message from him… but it's telling with how he feels about me. Because personally I would have wanted him to actually WANT to talk to me!

So now I'm torn, I don't have the closure that we both know I need… but I can't just keep waiting for him to decide to tell me he wants out of this, if he ever does! So now I turn to you, my readers. Do I give him a chance to explain what's going on- Because here's a guy who is probably the best guy I've ever dated, he treats me great when we are together , makes me laugh, does the most romantic things at the most surprising of times, who I've spent the last few months falling for and who makes me feel more alive than I have in a really long time. Or do I take this at face value-because despite everything he's done, he has told me he just can't be in a relationship for a bit, won't do long distance and I just need to be patient, as well as shown me that he doesn't even know what dating really means and despite what he says maybe just might not be that into me, and I think I deserve a little better than that. Don't you?