“I’m not a princess this ain't a fairy tale…”

Slowly I’m starting to realize that some people just aren’t worth the effort and the pain… though the hard thing is to know who is worth it. This month is a big one for me. Its one year today that I broke up with Mr. Naked Bartender. Saturday will be the one year anniversary of him posting me naked on craigslist… and the following Sunday will be the one year since I first met Mr. Green. I’ve been looking back on all the changes in my life this last year, how far I’ve come, how many times I’ve fallen… I still have so many questions for Mr. NakedBartender that I will never get answered. I still love Mr. Green so much it hurts, and seeing how happy he is with his new girlfriend only makes it worse. Worse to know that it’s not me that he will be sweeping off his feet, but also to know I wasn’t the one who swept him off his. To know that I was not good enough, and will never be good enough for him. And yes I have checked out his FB profile and looked at their pictures from their road trip… some days like today it feels like nothing in a year has change. That I’m still that same girl. Still that hurt by these boys. Still occasionally cry in the shower (yes I did that this morning, yet again!). No matter how many steps I take forward it always seems like I’m stumbling back. I wonder if this hurt will ever go away… if I will ever be over Mr. Green. If I will be able to have that elusive magical relationship that has alluded me. If I will ever meet that guy that will love me as much as I love him… Yes I still talk to Mr. FB every day, I know it’s bad for me. And I know that I was supposed to cut all my ties when I left LA. But it’s hard to…and I know how toxic he is for me, I mean the boy couldn’t even make time to see me on my last week in LA even though we had been dating for 2 months! And yes he canceled on coming out here to see me a couple of weeks ago… but some days it’s just nice to know that I’m wanted… even if I know that it’s not real.

Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Hurt me 6 times...

You would think that after all this time I would learn… I know that Mr. Green has the ability to hurt me still, which is why we stopped talking in the first place. And deleting has a facebook friend was a step in the right direction… but when I found out that he was upset that I had deleted him as a friend I stupidly sent him an IM. Now I know I shouldn’t’ have, but I’ve gotten very nostalgic while packing and I guess I just wanted to say hi… at first he was really mad. And even was like goodbye Hardt. But then he softened up a bit and we started talking. Everything seemed ok so I didn’t want to pres my luck and told him that I had to get back to packing but that if he finds himself in Havasu over the summer look me up. Which was my mistake. And so what followed could be deemed as my fault. I know I’m still in love with him. And I know he decided to choose his this new girl over me (the week before I was going down to see him!). So I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s so into he’s going on a road trip to Utah. But what did come as a shock and literally made my heart drop was when he suggested they come and visit me. My ex. Who I am still in love with. Who I can’t get through a day without thinking about. Without feeling broken. Without hurting. This same ex has suggested him and this new wonderful girlfriend come and visit me in Lake Havasu. I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was. How complete Douche-like. He has to know how hurt I was when I found out he was with someone else. We haven’t had one exchange of words since I found out about the girlfriend a month ago. He’s sent texts that went unanswered. And he sent im’s that went unanswered. But not one word has exchanged. And now he thinks that I would be ok with him visiting and flaunting this girl in front of me. You can guess that answer was fuck no. And I wish I could have said that I actually said those words to him. Instead I just told him that no that would be awkward. Signed off my computer and started sobbing… I know he always hurts me. And yet it doesn’t stop me from missing him so much that I do know what to do.

But what it does do is make me so happy that I’m leaving for Havasu. So happy to have a fresh start. Sure it will be strange having his brother and their former roommate up tomorrow night, both are coming up to attend the going away festivities. And I’m sure at one point I will really miss him. But luckily I will have my girls around me. Mr. Ex will be making an appearance (as well as an appearance in Havasu, more on that to come though!). Mr. My Harry will be making an appearance… So really I will be surrounded by the boys that do love me. And maybe all that love is much better than being around the one who just doesn’t love me enough, someone who is so unworthy all the love I have for him.

"Are you happy?"

My IM conversation today:
Mr. Green: So THAT'S who Mr. Uni is.
Hardt: Yup
Mr. Green: Are you Happy?

Out of the blue after not talking to Mr. Green for a bit I got an im today inquiring- Am I happy? I had to pause a moment when he asked. And when I pointed out that that was a loaded question. He simply stated: “No it’s not. It’s simple. Are you happy?” When asked what he wanted me to say he said: “ I wanted to hear you were happy with Mr. Uni. I’ve read your blogs and it seems like you are. I want to hear you say you were happy.” And I, like always, told him the truth: “Am I happy? Yes. Do I sometimes still miss you? Yes”… because sometimes the truth isn’t a simple yes or no answer. Because yes some days I do still miss him. I miss driving down to San Diego on random Tuesdays. I miss hanging out with him and his brother and his roommates. I miss lying in bed on Sundays doing not much besides watching TV and taking naps. I miss how he use to reach for me all the time, in the car, in the house, walking down the street. He always had to be touching me. There is something reassuring about that. I miss how he use to make me feel… but at the same time if he had called me up today and said I miss you, give me a second chance. I would without hesitation have said no. But that no didn’t make it any easier to hear today when he is “happy” that I am happy with someone else. I don’t know why he felt the need to ask. I didn’t ask him that… mainly because I don’t think he would have told me the reason, if he even really knows it himself. I don't know if I even really want to know the answer. I know he still reads the blogs, I had thought that that would die down. It hasn’t. I even told him that when he leaves for New Zealand for the next 2 weeks he will go through Hardt In The City withdralls, to which he told me: “Hahaha. No I will have internet there”. I’d like to think that he asked today because he doe still care about me. But that’s assuming that he ever really did care. And from where I sat the last couple of months I don’t think that he did. Yes he enjoyed the time we had together. I’m sure he misses the great sex that we had (I mean who wouldn’t miss that!). But actually miss ME. That I am not too certain about. But all of that really doesn’t matter in the end. What matters is that yes, I am happy. And yes I am happy with someone else. But more importantly I am happy with myself. And that is worth more than a world full of Mr.’s.

A night back in time, and the changes it brings.

The other night Mr. Uni asked if Mr. Green knew that we were dating… To which I said, well he reads the blogs so he knows I’m dating but doesn’t know the details of it, nor does it bother him. But it got me to thinking about the night that we all hung out. And how much things can change in just a couple of short months. Over Labor Day weekend during one of my many trips to San Diego I had arranged a dinner with friends from High School. There was Mr. Uni, Mr. Green (although he didn’t go to school with us I was in my happy sex love bubble and brought him with me), Mr. High School Friend, Miss High School friend and her boyfriend. It was a nice dinner down in Pacific Beach. We had a great time catching up. And after dinner Mr. Uni, Mr. Green and I went to a bar down the street and continued to drink. A fun time was had by all, and I even remembering helping Mr. Uni send racy text messages to the “cougar” that he was dating at the time. Though if I remember correctly both Mr. U and Mr. G thought my text messages were just a bit too racy and had to be trimmed down a bit. If only guys realized that the girls that are dating usually have an even dirtier mind than they do!

Though in the months since things have changed. Mr. High School friend proposed to his girlfriend. Miss High School friend also got herself engaged. And of course Mr. Green and I broke things off… and as you are aware, and then surprisingly Mr. Uni and I started things up. All things I couldn’t have predicted back in September. But it got me to thinking about the changes that are in store in the next couple of months. All the surprised that await me. Some good, I’m sure. Some bad. And some that I probably can’t even begin to imagine. I have to say I’m excited for it. I’m ready for the change! So to the New Year, I saw BRING IT ON. Hardt is ready for whatever you’ve got for me.

Mr. Wyoming

There are things that are appropriate to email to an ex, “Too bad you aren’t around, all I want to do is crawl into bed with you” is NOT one of them. But for those of you just tuning in let me recap Mr. Wyoming and I so you can understand why I was so offended by that. We had met years ago while working on a stunt show up at Universal. At the time I was dating Mr. Ex, and I knew that Mr. Wyoming was interested in dating me. But I basically just used him to make Mr. Ex jealous. Meaning we would hang out, I would flirt but that was about the extent of our relationship. Mr. Wyoming and I met again a year later during one of my many break offs with Mr. Ex. We ran into each other at a bar and the rest is as they say, history. We were inseparable for months, things settled nicely into a great relationship until his grandfather passed away. While he was back in Wyoming for the funeral his mother started her campaign to break us up, I know this because she actually told me this one day while she answered his phone… and I’m not too proud of this, but I took it as a challenge and did my best to make sure he came back to LA and back to me. And after quite a few late night phone calls and a few naked pictures he was back in my bed. The only problem is that we were jinxed from the start, he only came back top LA to be with me. And we all know that never works out… About a week later his father flew out here… now I’m a little fuzzy on all the details, I’ve finally been able to put together most of what happened… but turns out his family didn’t think he was helping his acting career by playing around with me, so they gave him an option. They would continue to fund his attempt to become an actor or he could continue to date me. Turns out money really does talk, because I was the one kicked out the door.

Now this is where the story should have ended… but it doesn’t. Instead it follows years of us breaking up and getting back together. Many many late night fights. Lot of late night visits. And a few explosions. The final one happened last November when I finally kicked him out of my bed and my life for good. Our last contact was an extremely long email. I made it very clear that I wanted him out of my life, and it was something he has respected until this week. This week I woke up to an email in my inbox from him. Just two lines, nothing much. And I responded very vaguely hoping that this would be the end of it. But after a couple emails he did what he always does- invite me out. This time it was to Porn Star Karaoke. Yes you read that right. Yes it is karaoke. Yes there are porn stars. No I did not go… but after I rejected that idea, he suggested drinks this week. And I exaggerated and told him I was already down in San Diego but maybe drinks when things settle down… to which I received his drunken email… Telling an ex, who has expressed preference to never see you again, that you want to crawl into bed with her, is really not the best idea.

And as upset as I was that he would even think that it was ok to send that, I was even more infuriated with myself that over the years I have led him to believe that something like that is ok. That I’ve been ok being friends with benefits, and that I’ve had so little respect for myself in the past to allow that to happen… though the more I thought about it the more I thought, is that really in the past? The Mr. Wyoming part yes. But the rest of it, maybe not. I sit here this morning curled up in Mr. Green’s bed after yet another night in San Diego. Because really am I not just going on the same path once again? That was never more apparent than it was last night. When we were dating I was excited to meet Mr. Green’s friends, I thought they were great and usually had fun with them. In fact I really enjoyed being out as part of a couple. But last night while hanging out with one of his friends I was actually embarrassed. Embarrassed that his friends know that I have been driving down to see him. Embarrassed that his friends know that I'm not the only one in his life, but probably also know the other girls that he dates and the other girl that he’s been sleeping with. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve been having a great time with him… We both enjoy each others company. Our sex is better than ever. And one of the best parts is that there haven’t been any expectations. None of those where is this heading discussions or why don't you want to be in a relationship arguments. Instead I’ve been able to finally enjoy just being with him. But it turns out maybe just being with him isn’t enough. Because embarrassment shouldn't be the first thing you feel in a morning...

Postcards from the edge.

Ok I guess its confession time. I was hoping to delay it. Partly because I know I will get flack from my girls for it and partly because he still reads my blogs, but here goes- I spent part of the week in San Diego with (gasp!) Mr. Green. Now it’s not what you are probably thinking. It wasn’t a last ditch effort to try and convince him to make us work. In fact over the last few weeks I realized that’s never going to happen. I’ve also realized that as much as I would like that, it’s probably not what I need in my life right now. I’ve finally gotten my life back on track and am thoroughly enjoying having my mojo back… including enjoyed having cute men send over bottles of champagne during nights out with my girls this week. But that’s an entirely different story, lets get back to the one with Mr. G and my road trip down south… For the first time since probably our first date I was able to just spend time with him and enjoy that time. There weren’t any worries of when will I see him again, or where is this going or the dreaded why don’t you want to be in a relationship talk. Instead there was just some food, some laughs and some great sex… yes I said it, we did have sex, sex in the living room, sex in the bedroom, sex on the kitchen table... I mean come on, you know I wasn’t going down there for DINNER! The only negative thing that came out of my trip was I realized just how much time this summer I wasted trying to figure out what was going on between us instead of just enjoying what we had. I spent way too much time pushing him away. Too much time trying to make him into the “boyfriend” and not enough time just enjoying who he was. And it seems that now that I can take out the expectations, what I am left with is someone who I enjoy spending time with, someone who I am able to have political discussions with, someone who enjoys eating as much as I do (yea I know that’s odd, but such a plus), someone who really doesn’t mind the extra weight on my middle but instead finds my insanely sexy just as I am, and most importantly someone whom I’m very sexually compatible with. Not to mention he did look very sexy leaving for work in a suit on Friday morning...

And it was nice to know that he missed me, and yes for once it was him telling me how much I was missed! And it was nice that for once he wanted me to stay longer instead of thinking of me as someone he had to entertain and a chore. In fact within 20 minutes of me being there he was trying to get me to call in sick the next day so we could spend more time together. And it was nice for once to get an invite down to San Diego, he has since suggested we make this more of a weekly arrangement. Something I could definitely get use to… but for now I’m just happy the way things are going in my life. And maybe there will be a new romance, I have drinks with Mr. USC next week, maybe there will be an old romance rekindled… but for now it’s nice to know that at this moment I really am just happy.

And on leaving Mr. G’s place Friday morning I went to get a glass of water from the fridge and had to smile at what was on it, the post card I had sent from Jamaica. Because as much as he had tried in these last few weeks to make me think he was happy to have me out of his life, I certainly wasn’t forgotten… and that also is nice to know.

Two ships in the night, but not a harbor in sight.

Two conversations last night really affected me. Weirdly in different ways, neither were serious discussions and the reasons they affected me had nothing to do with what we were actually talking about. The first was with Mr. Ex and the second was with Mr. Green.

Now the first one was dealing with sex last night and dinner tonight. Since getting back from being out of the country Mr. Ex has been once again hanging around. I’ve avoided having any discussion about us, because really there isn’t any us anymore. That being said, we both are single and it’s hard to resist having companionship of sorts. So I don’t mind having someone who wants to see me at the end of a long day and it’s nice to have someone who wants to take me out to dinner… so last night he called to invite me over for drinks which forced me to have the conversation I’ve been avoiding. I finally laid it all on the line and told him that although I have been enjoying having him back in my life I’m just not ready to start up again, mainly because I’m still hung up on someone else. But Mr. Ex is very pragmatic about things, his response was well is this guy as hung up on you… And after I honestly admitted that no Mr. Green wasn’t, Mr. Ex simply stated well he was and that he thinks he’s ok with that, as long as he can be with me… but the question is am I? Am I ok being with him knowing that I really want to be with someone else, even if that’s not possible? And the better question is why can’t I just let go of something that really never was in the first place? Here I have a great guy that wants to be with me, at least for now. So why can’t I just let that happen? For now I’ve agreed to dinner… and maybe further down the line something will happen with us again, but for the moment it feels pretty good to just have a good friend to spend my Friday night with.

Houdini of the dating world

I spent this morning thinking about the men that disappear and the relationships that don't officially end but just fizzle out. Now as you can tell from my honest (sometimes too honest) blogs I'm pretty straight forward. This wasn't always the case… in fact in multiple break ups early on in my dating life I was told that I was cold, had this wall around me, didn't care… but in the last 2 years I've actually kind of broken down that wall and am now also too honest in my relationships. Maybe it's because I've learned from my mistakes, maybe it's because I've matured or maybe I'm just sick of wasting my time on relationships that are never going to work. Whatever the case may be I've taken to wearing my heart on my sleeve (and my blog)… and when it comes to breaking things off with people I also prefer the honest way… as opposed to the "disappearing man"… there is nothing worse than just having someone disappear on you, with little or no explanation, so when I see that this is starting to happen I have this bad habit of pushing the guy until he finally just ends it. Because I'm sick of wasting my time on men that are just going to leave anyways, it's better to just rip off that Band-Aid and although there will be pain for a bit, it will eventually go away. So last night I decided that it might be time to rip off that Band-Aid and called the guy that I have been dating for the last couple of months. Now I didn't know for sure that it was over, every time I tried to bring "us" up recently he would tell me that he's just busy at work, is still interested in "dating" and wants to make it up to LA really soon… and I've tried taking that at face value. But since returning from Vacation the communication has been really minimal. And despite a few text messages or im's telling me how much he wants me, we haven't really talked at all. A few emails here and there, but nothing really substantial… Now in his defense he really has been crazy busy at work, and I totally understand he needed last weekend to just relax. After all driving up to LA and spending a weekend with me is fairly exhausting… and when he said "soon, really soon" I took that to mean that he actually would try and make it up here "soon"… turns out that soon is just thrown out the window… because if he really did want to spend time with me, he would have said "next weekend" or "the weekend after" instead. So last night I called him so that I could find out what really was going on… and now 13 hours later he still hasn't returned that call! Guess silence might not be golden in this case, but it sure is telling! It's not surprising that he didn't call back, he has a tendency to just get home from work, smoke a bowl and then veg in front of the TV (or Rock Band)… and when I got home from work I did have an facebook message from him… but it's telling with how he feels about me. Because personally I would have wanted him to actually WANT to talk to me!

So now I'm torn, I don't have the closure that we both know I need… but I can't just keep waiting for him to decide to tell me he wants out of this, if he ever does! So now I turn to you, my readers. Do I give him a chance to explain what's going on- Because here's a guy who is probably the best guy I've ever dated, he treats me great when we are together , makes me laugh, does the most romantic things at the most surprising of times, who I've spent the last few months falling for and who makes me feel more alive than I have in a really long time. Or do I take this at face value-because despite everything he's done, he has told me he just can't be in a relationship for a bit, won't do long distance and I just need to be patient, as well as shown me that he doesn't even know what dating really means and despite what he says maybe just might not be that into me, and I think I deserve a little better than that. Don't you?

A message in a bottle… or at least on a cell phone.

Now first off I need to state that I’m the queen of the drunken text messages… not necessarily the drunken booty call texts (thought I’ve been known to do that a time or two also) but I’m talking about the drunken, reveal your true feelings, put your foot in your mouth text messages. When I got back from Jamaica my cell phone pinged with texts… At first I thought that was odd, since everyone who would usually text me knew I was out of town. And even odder when I started to read the messages. Apparently a friend of mine, let’s call him Mr. Uni, got a little too drunk one night while I was gone (or at least I’m hoping he was drunk because if he sent the messages sober than I’m even more confused!). Anyways I’ve known Mr. Uni for years, we’ve been friends (never anything more!), we’ve seen each other go through multiple boys and girls but more importantly he believes that I am dating someone else right now. And not only believes me to be in a relationship, he’s actually hung out with Mr. Green and I together (and like I’ve stated before when Mr. Green and I are actually together we are very couply so Mr. Uni was not under the impression that Mr. G and I was just friends!). So knowing all this it was a surprise to me to get a text message letting me know just how much Mr. Uni wants me! I had a few options on what to do, but decided to go the chicken route and ignore them. I’ve spoken to him this week, he hasn’t mentioned them and I’m not going to say a word… after all a message in a bottle is only important when someone finds it, and I’m just going to hit delete and pretend that it never hit my shore!

On borrowed time...

Late last night I got back from another fantasy weekend in San Diego with Mr. Green. I say fantasy because when I’m down there it seems I leave my reality and enter into this blissful “couple”. But like all fantasies they must come to an end, which of course happened last night over dinner. But first let me share moments of it before I burst your bubble. I have to start out with even though we have only been dating for 2 months we are disgustingly couply, more so than I would think given his aversion to being in a relationship. He reaches for my hand wherever we go, leans over for a kiss while driving, and while out at a restaurant my hands are usually inside his…. Though my favorite part of him is when he reaches for me in the middle of the night...So you can see where the line blurs between dating and relationship… and why it’s hard for me to bounce back and forth when I return to LA. Because when I'm in San Diego we have this amazing relationship... and when I'm in LA I just go back to being just that girl he sometimes has sex with.

I drove down on Saturday night already exhausted and annoyed with the situation. Lately I've been feeling like I'm more of a nuisance than a pleasure to him, so when I arrived in San Diego lets just say I was not in my best mood… but luckily after a couple of drinks and a little making out, he was able to snap me right out of it. We spent the first two days around other people, either his friends, roommates or my friends. Which was fine with me because I was hoping to show him that these weekends are possible without the stress of entertaining me and that we can still live our own lives and be together. The master plan was to implant in his head that these weekends in San Diego are not only possible but realistic. After all he travels so much for work, and I work not so much, so I have no problem doing a bit of the commuting. Easy enough for me to come down on a Friday afternoon and come back up on a Sunday Morning before I bartend for Sunday Football... So this weekend I got to catch up with friends while hiking, had lunch with his brother Mr. Green Sr. (Cotija, best Mexican EVER), meet up with old friends of mine from high school that I literally haven’t seen in years and got to meet many of his friends while out for his roommates birthday. Now I don’t remember many names, and I’m sure the faces are a little blurry (we did have a lot to drink), but what I did recall was that most of the ones he described as really great friends were couples. Interesting, and at the time I thought promising, turns out that was just wishful thinking!

Now if the first two days were spent around other people, Monday was spent blissfully alone. And after walking down to breakfast and laying around in bed doing nothing for the rest of the morning he took me on a surprise outing. The day before I had casually mentioned wanted to go to the aquarium, so after bugging him all morning to do something he said he had a surprise for me. And after practically being blindfolded I was led to the aquarium… a good surprise! And the entire time we were riding with my eye closed I was hoping that was where he would be taking me… The entire time he was like a little kid happy with his idea to surprise me, and I was like a little kid happy that I was with someone who wanted to surprise me! Now I won’t bore you with all the specifics on the weekend, but once again it was a perfect weekend in San Diego… Well perfect in my book, sure we did annoy each other at parts, and did argue a bit, give each other a lot of shit, and managed to be passed out before midnight on both nights… But I got some sun, spent some time on the beach, got a hike in, had some great sex… all in all accomplished what I had gone down there for… all except one little thing…

While at dinner last night I knew I needed to bring up the dreaded word “exclusive”… Now I need to start out by saying in Mr. Green’s defense he hasn’t been dating or sleeping with anyone else… which as nice as that is to know it also has pointed out to me that he could if he wanted to… and turns out that he still does want the opportunity too. He told me that he doesn’t know if he can be exclusive for awhile…. Which is fair, but it also was fair to tell him that our dating does have an expiration date which is coming up pretty soon. Because as much as I would like to just continue having fun together and having great sex and lots of laughs, the more time I spend with him the more I do actually like him. And the fact is I don’t want to be out there dating anyone else. He specifically asked about Mr. C&O, who I have been avoiding blogging about since Mr. Green does occasionally read my blogs. And although Mr. C seems like a great guy, the problem is I just have been avoiding our actual first date because it doesn’t feel right! And it’s not Mr. Greens permission that I needed (in fact I was a little disgusted when he told me that I should feel free to continue to date other people). It's like in the Break-up with their fight over the dishes, I just want him to NOT want me to date other people! But the real question is, how long can I wait for someone who probably isn’t ever going to want to be with just me? If after 2 months he doesn’t know, I think we both already have that answer… which is just plain old no I don’t want to be in a relationship with you. And maybe it’s because of the place he's at in his life, maybe it’s the distance, his age, my annoying pressuring of him or maybe it’s just me… I don't know if I will ever know. But for now I’m going to wait it out a bit longer because the truth of the matter is I do like him. And despite his lack of interest in commitment he is actually a really good guy, lets just see if he can transition into a great one.

But for now I head to Jamaica at the end of the week and plan on forgetting all my romantic issues. After that we shall just have to wait and see. After our conversation he said that he still wants to continue dating me and wants plan a weekend up here for us to go see Point Break Live… so cross your fingers and lets see if that happens. Maybe in the meantime he will realize that I might just be worth the leap he’s afraid to take… I just hope he realizes that in time!