Once upon a time there was a little girl… who always cried love…

It’s really hard to put the last week into words. The only word I can come up with is- DREAM. As we know I’ve dated a lot, I’ve fallen in love many times, I’ve even talked about how amazing these guys really are when I’ve taken them back. But in the long run we’ve all known that they basically treat me like the gum on their shoes. But through all the dates, the men, the break ups, the disasters and sex-capades I’ve never met the right guy… well turns out maybe I’ve known him for awhile and just was too chicken shit to do anything about it! Mr. Hermosa and I have been friends since the beginning of the year, and my crush on his has been since the beginning of the summer. Yet I didn’t do anything about it. Maybe because of Mr. Piranha and all these Mr. Wrong. Maybe because I didn’t want to really put myself out there… but man am I ever happy that he finally forced me to. It’s been an amazing 2 weeks now. It’s so weird to have things be so normal. So natural. So stress free… He still plans our next dates before I leave his house. He’s introduced me to his closest guy friends. I’ve introduced him to mine (and they all LOVE him… in fact their exact words were that they can’t believe how much he dotes on me and treats me amazingly). We’ve discussed the horrible word- relationship. He’s the first guy I’ve dated in years that said point blank that at this point in his life he is not only ready for a relationship but he’s ready to settle down. In fact when the conversation of our relationship came up he said the same thing that I’m feeling- that he’s happy riding this one out. That this is just too normal for him to think anything other than it being amazing and is unbelievable happy with how things are. And let me tell you it has been nice having sex with someone and knowing that I’m the only one that they are having sex with. And that they are happy about that! I’ve never been with someone that wants to spend all his time with me, and not just in the bedroom, but have someone that really wants to get to know everything about me. One that even the other morning told me that he just wants to make me happy… and for once he’s someone that wasn’t adding the “in bed” on the end of it!

I originally was supposed to spend all of last weekend at a friend’s house at the beach… and seeing as she lives 2 blocks over from him he figured it would be a waste for me to stay there so on his insistence I stayed with him. And I was nervous. We had been together only a week (yes he did take me out and we celebrated our one-week anniversary- who does that!). But I was nervous to spend an entire 3 day weekend with him. In the long run it was the best decision ever and it felt like we had always been together and it felt amazing. We spent Friday through Monday just bumming around on the beach, riding bikes, talking nice walks hand in hand, went to see my roommates band play, took many swims in the ocean, bar hopped with all of our friends and of course had lots of great sex… all in all it may have been the most perfect weekend of my life. And although I didn’t compare him to any other guys, this morning while talking to my mother I realized just how different he really is to everyone else I’ve dated. But it’s more than that, this is different. It just feels so right. And it’s funny because when I started to tell friends about him they thought out there she goes again… and just like the little girl who cried wolf they were just counting the days until the big blow up and it once again would be over…until they slowly have started to meet him. And as soon as they do one of the first things they say is- this is different isn’t it. And like I said, I can’t even put into words just how different this really is! And no I’m not in love with him, I’m not that crazy… but I can see this going somewhere… and luckily he feels the same. And if feels amazing. Just knowing that I don’t have to obsess, analyze, stress, worry, go crazy about and basically just do everything that my friends hate me for feels great. Maybe constantly living in the past really has prevented me from meeting Mr. Right… or maybe I just need time to be ready for him. But what I know for certain is that I’m very happy to not be living in the past anymore. I even did something that needed to be done over the weekend- I let Mr. Piranha go. I knew he deserved to know the truth, especially since he was started to freak out a bit that I was avoiding surfing with him all week. As much as I’d like to say he was happy for me that I found someone that makes me this happy (I can’t stop giggling and smiling lately!) he wasn’t… And that is enough to tell me that he didn’t really care about me. Instead all he’s done is care about himself… And as soon as I got off the phone with Mr. Piranha on Friday I noticed that I had received a text message from Mr. Hermosa letting me know he got off work early and to come over for a bike ride before dinner… And I had one thought- Could it be that I’ve finally found a guy that actually deserves my heart?! I mean any guy who brings me classic literature instead of flowers may just be different from the rest…in a very good way!

Itty Bitty Blue and White Bikini

Over the years I have managed to lock myself out of my apartment many times… have become friends with my neighbors and the fireman across the street, you may even remember a certain incident involving me and just a bikini. So it goes without saying I now have a spare key. I would say hidden, but everyone knows where it is. My friends often use it to get in when I’m not here, usually to drop things off or just to wait for my perpetually late self. I also have a trick way of getting into my place for those times when the key is not in its place (for example when Mr. P forgot to put it back after letting himself in last weekend). But I can without a doubt say I will never be locked out again… or so I thought!

After a great weekend with P I was torn about this week and his work schedule, he’s been working crazy hours and they’ve been filming up in Burbank so I prepared myself to go the week without seeing him. Really settled myself to not seeing him until late next week. Our weekend schedules never really mesh, I book myself like crazy on Saturdays and Sundays are his improve and writing day. So for the most part we just see each other during the week, and seeing as I’m most likely going to be in San Diego the first part of next week (going for Mr. Green’s roommates birthday- now that’s an entirely different blog!) I figured a week and a half without P will hopefully let me sort out what I’m feeling, and maybe make him miss me a little bit. And it’s sort of worked… I do get my nightly text from him usually telling me he can’t surf and how busy he is working, which although it’s not love letters it is SOMETHING. Though this morning he tried to make it down and way overslept his alarm until I woke him up, too late to surf…but at least he TRIES… right?

Anyways back to the real story. Since he’s been working I’ve been able to sleep in a few hours later in the mornings and have been going surfing at 10am instead of 7 or 8… and although I much prefer the early mornings because there are less surfers and we aren’t blackballed yet, it’s been nice to surf with one of my girlfriends again every day. Sure there isn’t the same giggling as with P and I, but I still have fun. And the waves have been a great size (4 foot and overhead). And yesterday walking back to her place from the beach (she lives 1 block over from where we surf) I was starting to feel all right with the world. Sure I’ve have some downs lately. And sure I’m not only nowhere near where I thought I’d be, I’m nowhere near where anyone my age SHOULD be… but I’ve been making the most of it. And there I stood, washing the sand off my legs and peeling myself out of my wetsuit (the water is still a bit chilly even in the late mornings) and thought ok I’m going to be all right… and then we realized the power was out in the neighborhood. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing, except for one simple thing… we get in through her garage! And there I was, for the second time in my life locked out wearing only my bikini! Luckily her husband works only a few blocks away so we were able to go over and get a spare set of keys from him … and luckily this time I didn’t have to embarrass myself in front of my fireman (only the security guard for his office building).But seriously how does someone get locked out in only a bikini… TWICE!!!!

So maybe all is not well with the world after all… and someone somewhere is getting a big laugh out of watching me go through these random high and on fire hoops… but I keep doing them. Just hoping that the treat at the end of them is worth all these bruises and burns!

"YOU BROKE MY HEART!"

So at the end of the day I was left with one thought- Does swiping someone with my surfboard, make us even for him breaking my heart? In the long run maybe if I had actually knocked him out, then yes… but maybe I should back up before I look like a deranged bunny boiler going after Mr. Piranha… After last weeks emotional exhaustion that was giving back all of his stuff, I was hoping my heart would have awhile to heal before I would see him again. We both have too many mutual friends and mutual activities to not run into each other. And I’m sure we will be running into each others romantic interest too before the year is out, but was hoping for some time before any of that. Well things don’t always go according to plan, do they? Instead only a week after seeing him last, and saying my final goodbye, I was not prepared to see him today. Friday is our usual surf day… and I assumed that after all that has happened he would opt out of it. And I knew it was going to be hard going without him but it was something that I’m trying to get use to in general so I knew I would get through it just fine. But what I didn’t expect was to spend the morning surfing with him, trying to pretend like everything was fine… when all I wanted to do was scream. Because the truth of the matter is I’m really angry. Angrier than I’ve been in a really long time. I spent a lot of time being hurt. A lot of time crying. A lot of time being confused…and have just been left with this rage. I’m angry for all the lies he told me. I’m angry about all the times he told me that I was amazing when he doesn’t really believe that. I’m angry about every time he looked at me in those puppy dog eyes with a twinkle in them, and every time he would give me this grin that seemed like it was meant just for me… I’m angry that I left him get under my skin and showed him just how much. Angry every time he calls me by a nickname that he knows only a select few call me, and one that just reminds me of every time he use to say it… and how much it use to mean to hear him say it…But most of all I’m angry for falling in love with someone once again who just doesn’t love me… And I’m so angry that I can’t be around him. He tried to talk to me most the morning, I couldn’t even look at him, could talk, couldn’t even say hi. I tried to avoid him, though it’s hard to do on an ordinary day of surfing but near impossible on a day when the waves were 8 - 10 feet, when one missed step and you could be drug under a very large very powerful wave. And we slowly got into a pattern, after everyone had to bail after about 15 minutes in the waves, it was just us. Both keeping an eye out for the other, both making sure that the other was ok. And so we surfed. Not really saying anything except checking in every once in awhile. And roughly 2 hours later, after we were worked from the waves we called it a day. And slowly made it back to the shore… he tried a few comments to get me to come out of my shell, and I just couldn’t bite. He once again made a sexual comment when I got out of my wetsuit, and for a moment I saw that sparkle back in his eye and saw how much he does appreciate what I look like wearing very little. And I just had to turn away. Because at the end of the day all I felt was nothing. I looked at him and I knew it was over. No longer were we lovers. No longer were we friends. No longer were we even acquaintances…instead we were stranger. Two strangers that just happen to spend a couple of hours every week in the water together. But who when back on land have nothing left… and that makes me very sad. That someone who I once was so close with I can’t even bare to be in the same room as. I don’t know if I have ever shut down like I have now with him… as we know I’m always the one who smoothes things over. Always the one who tries to be friends. And I have since things went south, but when it came down to it today I just couldn’t do it anymore… and maybe this anger will leave me. But from where I sit tonight that’s not going to happen for awhile…and maybe it’s healthy to finally be mad. To finally not be able to see him. To finally maybe be able to stop remembering all the great times we had. Because what I need to remember is exactly how I feel now. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. And furious… because this is what he has done to me… and really why would I ever want to go back and be friends with someone who makes me feel like this? So for now I will opt out of Friday morning surf sessions. Carefully crafted answers and a trip to San Onofre will replace my 7am paddle out with friends. And it sucks that it’s come to this. But once I’m going to opt out of seeing the one who has broken my heart. Will stop trying to be friends. And will just move on. After all, hasn’t he?!

Sometimes a Sand Dollar is just a Sand Dollar...

I’ve spent the last week trying to find meaning in Sand Dollars. Mr. Piranha came and picked up all his stuff that he’s left at my house, including his surfboard. It’s funny, returning his wetsuit and misc other items he’s left in my apartment and car wasn’t hard. I just washed what was here and put them all in a bag, including a CD that I had burned for him awhile back. But seeing him come for the board really made my heart drop. In my naïve state I saw that board as a symbol of hope. On my birthday he even joked that he was slowly moving into my apartment. That board meant we would continue to surf all the time, that he actually did want to be with me, that he would be able to get over his issues and things would work themselves out. What I didn’t realize was that he was working out these issues on someone else and that I was just becoming his storage bin. At first he was hesitant about getting his board, but I think that was just a cover, him trying to still be the nice guy because as soon as I mentioned him coming to pick it up he jumped at the chance… and since then I’ve been a jumble of emotions. Mad that I actually let him think I forgave him (though who am I kidding, of course I forgave him for many of the things). Mad at myself that I let him come surf. Something that he annoyingly continued to thank me for the rest of the day. Mad at myself that I let him off the hook so easily. A half ass apology once again telling me how amazing I am, shouldn’t have cut it. And in fact there was a moment when I completely let him off the hook, and oddly it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with a little pet sand dollar… When he came down I kept him at arms length. It was awkward and I am not ashamed to say I wasn’t that nice. We surfed and I continued to keep him at arms length until I noticed that right at the edge of the water were thousands of live sand dollars. Something so amazing that I can’t even describe them. And I played with them and searched the beach… the irony of them is that for as many live ones there were just as many dead ones, washed ashore and broken. Growing up I always believed that each sand dollar represented a broken heart. And there I was, with mine breaking more and more every minute finding tons of broken hearts washed up on the beach, and a few whole ones (which if you have ever searched for sand dollars know that those are really rare. )And I took it as a sign…

Since then I have researched Sand Dollars. I found out that they have a huge meaning in Catholicism and actually are the symbol for love, hope, and rebirth. And I thought that someone was trying to tell me something… in the end I’ve realized that they really are just sand dollars. Just live animals that got washed up due to an incoming storm off Mexico. They aren’t any higher being trying to tell me something. Because as much as I believe in signs, what would the universe be telling me. To not give up hope? That’s what my girls had been telling me this past month. That my broken heart will heal, even in my most dramatic state I know that it will. That something better will come? Doesn’t it always… That this is a chance to once again start over… sure that sounds nice. But for once I’d like to not be starting over. I’ve like to not end up in tears. I’d like to not be left alone on my Saturday nights while the one that I really want to be with is out with who he actually wants to be with. I don’t know when that’s going to happen… if it ever will. I’ve always thought I’d be married and with kids at this point in my life. And I’ve finally come to realize that I’m actually really happy that I’m not. That my life is just starting and I have so many adventures out there to live… it’s just that I’d like someone to share them with. And despite all the differences that we had, despite that even some of our closest friends had a hard time seeing us together, I know deep down that he was someone that I could share my adventures with… and that is worth a lot more than a handful of sand dollars ever will.

And part three... the final part.

So much has happened in the last week and I’ve had a hard time writing about it. Over the years you have watched as I fall in and out of love. Watched me get hurt. Watched me pick myself up all the while saying this time I’m really broken…in fact I’ve begun to feel like the little girl who cried pain… and maybe it’s because when you fall you forget all the spills you’ve had in the past. You just look on with hope and forget all the hurt. But once again I lay broken… and I know that just like all the rest, I will get over him. I will move on with someone else… but this one is going to be really hard to get over. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere between Havasu and Los Angeles I fell in love. But a completely different love. For once I wasn’t oblivious to his faults. Instead I fell in love with him… and over the last month he has told me many things, given me many promises, and weaved a web of lies. I’ve spent many nights playing with his kittens. I’ve had him cook me dinner. We’ve spent many morning surfing. Looking for the best taco places in Los Angeles. I’ve met his friends. He’s hung out with mine… and I believed everything that he told me. When he said he’s still in pain from his last relationship and needed time, I believed that. When he said he needs to take a break from dating, I believed that. We he sent me email after email telling me just how awesome and amazing I am, I believed that too. And I know now I should have walked away in Havasu. I have very few regrets in my life, in fact I can count them on one finger, and the fact of the matter is that if I could have skipped a party back in December and never met him I would without hesitation. Because after each break up I have been left with a different set of hurts, but never have I felt completely raw with humiliation as I do right now. Not even being posted naked on the internet has left me feeling like this… On Saturday he finally told me the truth. In one short conversation I found out all those “issues” he had with himself and how he couldn’t date were really just issues with me. He told me point blank that yes he was seeing someone else, but that it wasn’t exclusive because “I just need to be single for awhile because I’m enjoying fucking a lot of girls”… and it was in the moment that I actually couldn’t catch my breath. Because I looked at him with all the love in my eyes and staring back at me were the eyes of someone I don’t know. I was also informed of my sexual issues- apparently I don’t give enough blow jobs… it wasn’t just him being honest, it was him being down right cruel. I tried to get him to leave, but in fact was told he still had a beer to drink, so I Ieft to shower and get ready for the night. When I got out he was still there… and in that moment I hated him. More than I can remember feeling in a really long time. Because I will say it, I hate him right now.

Since Saturday I’ve received emails and texts from him, apologizing. Saying he didn’t mean anything that he said on Saturday. Telling me once again how amazing I am, trying to take back his blow job comment and in fact told me: “The sex was really fun, you look great naked and you do some really cool stuff with your vagina”, romantic, right?! That I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, that he didn’t mean it, that he’s scared of a relationship and that he just felt panicked at the thought of getting into one again. That I’m a really “cool chick”… and every day goes on and I don’t feel any better. I feel a hole where one of my close friends use to be… I miss him even more than I hate him. And yet I know that this time I cannot be friends with him. I’ve tried to return his surfboard… and even now as I sit here crying I just received another text from him. I told him that I cannot be friends, but the truth of the matter is that we have too many mutual friends for us to not run into each other. When he asked about surfing this week I told him that we will have to eventually so might as well get this over with. But at the same time I told him that that will be the only time he will see me. And even now I don’t know how I’m going to be able to face him…

The Holiday weekend and my Piranha Bite…part 2 of 3

Friday I was very hopeful, things with Mr. P seemed to be back to normal. We were having a blast hanging out, he was finally back to his old flirtatious self, we had spent an amazing day before and I was excited to meet his guy friends. It was the birthday of one of his oldest and dearest, one of his Fraternity Brothers from back east and I was going to get to meet all his close guys. And call me crazy, but I always take it as a good sign when the guy wants me to meet his boys. Now I’ve meet his roommates and we get along great. I’ve met a bunch of his girl friends, because they are how I met him originally. But the boys, now those I haven’t met. I of course brought along some back up of my own, two of my girl friends who although don’t know these guys just happen to be just as close, if not closer with Mr. P than I am. And the evening started off promising. Flirty text messages going back and forth had me ready for a fun night… and by fun I mean I was thinking that maybe I should have shaved my legs after all. And things seemed to be going great, he was very touchy feely, kept telling me just how amazing I looked and in fact started hinting about maybe he would like a little company in his bed that night. I hit it off with the rest of his friends, and even had a giggle when one of the girls came up to me and was like oh you’re Hardt, we’ve been teasing him about you and waiting to meet you. I thought damn I’m in… and when I went to say goodnight he leaned in and gave me just exactly what I’ve been waiting for since I came back from Havasu- that amazing goodnight kiss. But then of course when I should have gone home with him, I went home alone. He once again freaked out and told me that he couldn’t do this and when I went to the car I received the message that really just killed me: “I’m so sorry for the mind fuck. You are gorgeous. And amazing. And sexy. And I want to be with you so bad. But I can’t. I just need time or something. There’s a lot going on right now and I just need some time. I’m sorry”

And once again I was bitten. I couldn’t believe it. And for hours the text messages flew, with confessions and truths that I actually can’t share. I said I wouldn’t tell a soul, and for once I am keeping my promise. And yes there are many reasons why he shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, but he seems to be forgetting the main reason why he should- the fact that no matter what happens, no matter how many times he says he doesn’t want to be with me and can’t be with me, no matter what he tries to do, at the end of the day does think about me. He still is drawn to me, to us to what we were. And that’s the hardest. If he just didn’t want to be with me, it would be so easy to walk away. If he could look me in the eye and say I just don’t want you, I would be gone…but he can’t. Even when I asked him to say that to me on Friday night, he couldn’t. All he could say is that he needs time…

And yet again he woke up Saturday morning claiming he doesn’t remember much of what he said the night before. And yet again he sent texts all day seeing how my 4th was going… and yet again we spent a Sunday night cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. First to the intermission of the 4th…

The Holiday Weekend and my Piranha Bite. Part 1 of 3- with a brief intermission for the 4th

In relationships it’s not abnormal for me to be jealous, but it’s an odd jealousy. When I’m out with the guys and they are talking to other girls, I never get jealous. I always know that they are going home with me so I am usually very secure on that. But what I do get jealous about are these friends of theirs that I don’t know. These girls that pop up on their caller id, or their facebook pages or just in random conversation. And add to that this very weird sense of things, I sometimes go a little over the edge with that jealousy. I always know the one. The girl they end up cheating on me with. The girl they break up with me for. The girl they are dating at the same time. It’s weird how I can sense it. It’s never the girl that leaves millions of messages. It’s never the girl that we hang out with on a Saturday night. It’s never the overly flirty girl. So I don’t know how I know.. .but I do.

Now this week I had a different kind of jealousy. Resigned to the fact that Mr. Piranha and I are only going to be friends I’ve been hanging out with him a bit more. And when he called to invite me to go surfing Thursday I was excited. Mostly we’ve been hanging out with people, and even when I was over as his place the other night watching movies we watched it with his two roommates and his very attentive cat, Tink. So the idea of being out in the water with him basically just chilling for an hour or two was very appealing…until he brought along the girl I can never be, Miss Friend. Now I’ve known Miss Friend for years and have even become hiking buddies with her recently. We’ve always gotten along and it is in fact through her that I met Mr. Piranha. Now she has always intimidated me. It’s hard to explain why, but she reminds me of that girl in high school, the one who never cared much what people thought about her, who smoked behind the bleachers and was always one step cooler than you were though you could never pin point why. Through the years I’ve always been a little shy around Miss Friend, never felt quite cool enough. Which is odd because I never have that feeling, I can walk up to almost anyone and strike up a conversation. Yet with her I’m a bit more subdued. Now add on top of that that she is without a doubt the closest friend that Mr. Piranha has and they are so close at times I feel they are the same person, and are inseparable so it’s only normal that now I am even more intimidated by her. And seeing how close they are it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me when I got a text message last night saying she was coming surfing too… But it’s an understatement to say I wasn’t a little disappointed. And it wasn’t because I was hanging out with her, and it wasn’t because I was hanging out with the two of them because oddly enough when I’m actually with the two of them I somehow feel less out of place. A friend of mine reminded me this weekend that no matter what I do he will never look at me the way he does her, and that they will always have these inside jokes and I will always feel out of their circle. But in fact I feel the exact opposite. When I am with them they both go a bit out of the way to make sure I feel included. And in fact the three of us had a blast surfing and we have plans to go again this week. The only reason I was disappointed was due to the fact that I was hoping to spend some time with him alone so that I can get use to the whole we are just friend’s thing and really try and move past this. Instead we had an amazing time the three of us which just let me with this feeling of why can’t this work out!

After the day spent surfing Miss Friend headed home and Mr. P and I got Tacos and beers and just chilled at my place for the afternoon… and I would like to say there wasn’t any tension between us that we were just two friends hanging out, but we all know that wasn’t the case. In fact when he mentioned how it was such a great idea for us to hang out and surf I agreed and told him that it was all part of my master plan. That the more we hang out, the more I will want to be with him. And his exact response was: “Well that didn’t work out too well now did it?” After I got a little defensive, I mean I at least thought I was putting on a good front, he replied- “No I was talking about me. Hanging out with you has not made me want you less, in fact it’s only made me want you more”… so the plan has back fired. And that night he not only invited me to BBQ at his house the next day but sent me a message that night letting me know that not only did he have an amazing time with me but just how much of an amazing girl I was… hopeful, yes. Ready for the boat to get rocked, most definitely. About to be disappointed yet again, read on…

Dead tie- Friends 4, Dating 4?!

So Tuesday night I had a first date… well at least that’s what it felt like. But in fact I still don’t know exactly what it was or what it meant. Does he want to just be friends? Does he want to go back to dating? So I will let you decide what the final tally was…

After spending the afternoon yelling at the Lakers Game with my boys down at Big Wangs I went over to Mr. Piranha’s place for a movie night with his roommates (Dating 1, Friends 0- wanted me to meet the friends)… and it felt…awkward (Dating 2, Friends 0, felt like first date). We both didn’t know what to do with each other. I was nervous going over because I haven’t seen him since we got back from Havasu a week and a half ago and didn’t know what to expect. And instead of a night with just the two of us feeling things out, we spent them in the constant company of his 2 roommates (Friends 1, Dating 2- he didn’t seem to want to be alone with me!). Mind you I didn’t mind hanging out with his roommates, but on the other hand neither of us knew how to act and they didn’t seem to help things. And seeing as he was impossible to read I just kind of sat there taking it all in. The movie sucked so luckily we all talked through most of it, and watched their new kitten play with everything that she could find. And maybe it would have been just as awkward without the roommates there, but who knows. In the end we ended up sitting next to each other on the couch, not really cuddling but still up against one another. (Friends 2, Dating 2) I wasn’t going to be the one to make the first move, so I just sat there. And it felt really odd to sit next to him without touching him. Usually we would be all cuddled up with our legs intertwined and him holding my hand in his… not next to each other touching just barely. We both moved slowly closer toward each other as the night went on (Dating 3, Friends 2), and by the end my legs we sort of over his, but just barely (Friends 3, Dating 3). Still afraid to make a move. I could see him turning to look at me though out the movie (Dating 4, Friends 3), and every once in a while I’d look back at him… but was afraid to rock the boat. Didn’t want to come off to sexual in case he really does want to be friends, but on the other hand I think I may have given him the wrong vibe of me just wanting to be friendly. After the movie I was hoping we would go back to his room to just be us… nothing was going to happen sexually because among all our other problems I’m very allergic to cats and with a runny nose and sneezing I wasn’t putting off the please jump my bones vibe… so all through the evening we felt like strangers on a first date. Trying to feel each other out, double guessing what the other was thinking and all around not acting like “us” at all. Which is weird, because despite all the weirdness, despite his freak out, and pressures that I put on him we were always really good with the us part. We kind of just fit… and sitting there on the couch I couldn’t really put a finger on it, but it felt like we all of a sudden just didn’t. And so I sat there…

After the movie P ended up making a midnight snack (Chili Mac and Cheese Fries) and I sat on the kitchen counter and kept him company for the hour it took him to make it. When we finally were a bit away from his roommates we sort of went back to our normal selves… but the roommates were always right in the room with us, adding comments into our conversation. And although we were a bit back to normal it still felt off. It’s not that I’m not use to him put putting around in the kitchen. In fact it was always one of my favorite times with him. But this time instead of the touching and flirting we mostly stayed in our own corners… and as soon as he finished cooking I decided I need to end the awkwardness and head home (that and the allergy attack was getting worse)… as I made my goodbyes he leaned in and gave me a HUG (Friends 4, Dating 3)… it felt weird enough saying goodbye at the end of the evening instead of just crawling into bed with each other, but a HUG?! Though when I tried to end it he actually just held me tighter (Dating 4, Friends 4). And there we stood. With our arms around each other. My face buried in his neck for what felt like a lifetime. And then he let go and I was on my way… even more confused than ever. From where I’m sitting it’s a tie. Still no idea what’s going on…. But finally ok with just letting it ride. So maybe we will be friends. Maybe we will go back to dating… All that I do know is that it felt damn good to be back in his arms.

Mr. Piranha

Because I couldn't resist... while organizing photo's on my computer I came across one of the many pictures that I have of Mr. P from our time in Havasu. Let me introduce you to Mr. Pirannha!

Sometimes you can't love the one you're with...

You know those days when you run into an ex and things are great, you laugh, and talk and reminiscence and when it’s all over you are left with a sense of nostalgia and you just can’t seem to remember why you broke up in the first place? Well yesterday I had the opposite happen. I spent another weekend down with Mr. FB. One that involved lots of drinking and an insane volleyball tournament. We went to one of his frat brothers Volleyball Tourney down at Dockweiler State Beach. It involved lots of insane costumes, loud music, crazy drunkenness and a whole lot of fun. The problem was we were seriously drinking for the better part of the day so by 3 everyone was trashed. And although I was very drunk myself, I had one moment of sobriety. I looked over at Mr. FB being his usual fun loving outgoing self and I had one thought- that for the life of me I couldn’t remember why we ever started dating in the first place. Now nothing happened to make me change my mind about him. He’s exactly who he has always been, I just can’t remember why I ever found that appealing. And in that moment I realized just how appealing Mr. Piranha really was… and did stupid thing number 1 for the day- I called him. Now the surprising thing was he was actually really happy to hear from me. I was surprised that he even answered the phone… and I tried to tempt him into taking a break from working on his online cartoon later in the day with me. And he began to think about it… now drunk and not wanting to push my luck I quickly got off the phone but not before he decided that yea maybe he could use a little break later… so I continued on my day, only this time sobering up. After the tourney we headed to Mr. FB’s favorite place- Big Mikes, for some much needed dinner and then it was time to head back to my place for a nap. Now MR. FB was a little confused by this because all along I was planning on just napping there and then heading out later with him to the tourney after party. But in that moment I just couldn’t get away quick enough… These last two weekends with Mr. FB have been great. Just what I needed. We had tons of fun, I got to hide out at his place down by the beach, and it was sort of like dating but without the actual intimacy and sex. It’s just been really easy. And it was something to really smooth me into being single again after spending the weeks prior being in constant intimacy (and sex) with Mr. Piranha. And for that I’m very grateful that Mr. FB was there…but the sad thing was that at the end of the day it was Mr. P whom I wanted to crawl into bed with. And he’s the one who I just can’t be with. In the end he wasn’t able to take a break from his work. And I would like to say it wasn’t able, versus just didn’t want to be bothered with me. And he really does have to work all weekend for his huge pitch that he has this week.. And in the end I need to not only give him space, but give my heart a little space from him. Because despite it all he still is the one who put the smile on my face yesterday. The one who reminded me of just how great things could have been. And still the one who left me wanting more… Because as much as I want it, this sadly little Hardt doesn’t get to just climb into bed with him and nap away his fears… instead I will just climb into my own bed and dream that things can end differently. Because just for once I’d like this story to end with a happily ever after. After all, isn’t it about time?

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the LA and FB Part of the story.

And now the promised story on Mr. FB and how he fits into the saga with Mr. Piranha. Last I left it with Mr. FB he was dating someone else just as I started dating P… though turns out who he is dating is a former very famous child-star, former meth-addict, formerly married 2 times and currently going through a really nasty custody battle and living with her parents in order to stay sober. So needless to say instead of feeling hurt that he had moved on I kind of had a giggle about it. Yea I know that’s mean to say, but in the spirit of things I’m such a better catch. Though also in that same spirit P is so much better than MR. FB would ever be. So instead of us continuing the false friendship that we had, Mr. FB and I had a nice little break from each other and when hearing I was coming back to LA decided to take me out on my first night back and get me drunk to help forget all my problems. Turns out when I finally let go of any idea of us being together what we were left with was an actual friendship! And in fact it was him that really calmed me down about Mr. P… his advice to me was that nothing had actually changed in Mr. P’s feelings for me. All he was was a little scared and that if I give him time and show him that I’m really am not going to pressure him into anything than he will come around. In fact FB was betting that I would be in an actual relationship with P before the month was out. And it seemed like he might be right. Sunday afternoon I got a text from P asking how my day surfing went. And we sent back a few texts for a bit… mine a littler drunker than his. I was still with FB. In fact we ended up spending 26 hours together before I finally went home. He invited me to stay another night, and after a great day drinking champagne on the beach I was exhausted enough to pass out in his bed for a second day in a row but decided that I needed to get back to reality and headed back up to my own place...

And I woke up Monday morning feeling a bit more cheerful and sent a text wishing P good luck on his trip… a few hours later when he reached Mt. Whitney I got a bunch of flirty text messages from him and was really starting to feel good about things. When we last left it, he had changed his tune from his first goodbye which was well I’m sure we will see each other around sometime in LA (um seeing that we share a best friend I would say yes we will) to his new tune of ok I will talk to you later… and was feeling great until yesterday morning happened. I was feeling a little guilty by the fact that we had been hiding our relationship from most of our friends, especially from one of his closest friends- who we can call the girl I will never live up to. Now I don’t feel at all threatened by her because I know her feelings on him. But I just kind of wanted to feel out what he might have eventually confessed so I went to leave her a message and see if she wanted to go on a hike with me this week…to only find out she was already on one. UP MOUNT WHITNEY. On what was sold to me as a “Guy Trip” with a couple buddies from the Marines. Now I know I never asked, oh so no girls? But when you ask someone who they are going on a trip with and they only talk about the guys going, why would you assume otherwise. Now mind you I don’t care that she’s there. Besides knowing her feelings on him, I also know that they are hiking for a couple days, with no showers, no bathrooms, no running water. So even if he was hiking with Geiselle he wouldn’t be looking to get laid. What I had a problem with is the fact that he lied to my face about who was going. We even had a running joke on how he would have to cuddly with his buddy Charlie because it was so cold… But in the long run it was me left out in the cold. Now I have no idea why he chose to lie by omission. But right now I don’t think I care to find out. No I’m not going to confront him…in fact I’m just tired. Tired of once again putting my trust into someone who obviously just doesn’t deserve it. Maybe he thought I already knew. Maybe he didn’t want it to upset me. Maybe he just didn’t care… who knows. But for once I think I maybe the one to just walk away. Sure it seems like he’s making the baby steps to make this work. But after this stumble, I think it will be me that is going to run away. Because I’m sick of being the one who always gets hurt in the end…and this time it’s much easier to just walk before that happens. Which is hard, because for once here is an amazing guy, who just can’t seem to leap…

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the In-Between Part of the Story

When Mr. P got home from work on Friday night his plan was to grab his stuff, his guitar and head back to Los Angeles. But you know what they say about best laid plans! Instead he walked in on the end of the Lakers Game (side note- GREAT GAME!) and it was one of our little traditions to have naked Lakers Nights… I of course knew he didn’t want anything else between us but thought I would see if I could work a little magic. Turns out, no magic was had. But he didn’t want to leave yet. So instead of him heading back we laid in bed, barely touching and watched the game. After it ended he still didn’t feel right leaving, so we watching a movie and fell asleep in bed with the new plan of him leaving at 6am. Now when I say we slept I mean he slept without touching me AT ALL and I laid in bed trying not to cry. It felt weird to have our first night where we slept without his arms around me, without his breath on my neck, without his legs rubbing against mine… and it felt even weirder when his alarm went off when he didn’t automatically reach to pull me as close to him as possible… and yet he went back to sleep and once again delayed his trip back home. We finally both woke up around 8:30 and that is when he finally reached for me and we laid there in each others arms for about a half hour not saying anything. When I tried to mention us having sex he just laughed and said he had to go and knew that when we have sex it’s not quick. But still that was an excuse, because he still didn’t leave right away. He made us breakfast, though I was unable to eat a thing. And he grabbed his guitar and half heartedly played for a bit. And then when we could delay it no longer he left (after 3 goodbyes and both of us holding on to each other for dear life) and I left an hour after him.

Of course it took him so long getting gas, filing up the air in his tires and looking for beer cozies for his dad that I was only a bit behind him. And as soon as I reached about an hour out of Havasu all the stations on the radio became just Christian Rock and I soon bored of listening to the punk rock version of “Sounds of Satan” (I kid you not that was one of the songs!)… so I did what needed to be done. I called him to tell me a story, and since it was his fault I had no CD’s in my car he obliged. And there we were on the phone caravanning the entire way. Though when we ran out of chit chat, and were just on the phone giving observances on what was passing us by he did offer to stop at the next mile marker and leave CD’s for me… But even with songs in my car finally we still kept calling each other. We managed to get turned around in Bakersfield while we looked for a place to have lunch, eventually ended up at Baja Fresh. Were we sat, laughed and just enjoyed being together again for a good time after we were done eating… and where we said our 4th goodbye of the day! And then continued on the road home. Still picking up the phone to talk to each other every couple of minutes until we finally reached LA and went on our separate ways… the last text was from him about the very sad end of the Cleveland Game… and at that point I had to delete his number out of my phone. Knowing that Saturday was Blackout Saturday (Mr. FB was taking me out to help me forget my issues… don’t worry that story will come later!) and knowing that I would get drunk and send him a message about how much I missed him I did what I had to do… and sadly pressed delete letting Mr. Piranha out of my life…

Bitten by Mr. Piranha... the Havasu Part of the Story.

I guess before I go into what’s been going on in LA with Mr. FB I probably should go back to last weekend in Havasu with Mr. Piranha. The conclusion of my spring romance. Now when I left it I was just trying to enjoy the time we had together. He had his freak out, but was getting better. After that we spent a great week together. Lots of sex (like usual), lots of basketball, a little working out (I got to ride my bike around the island as he ran to get him in training for his trek up Mt. Whitney, and a very romantic dinner out. Now all around everything was going great and while we were having desert at our favorite Italian place on Thursday night he made a joking comment and thanked me for dating him. I was like in general or just tonight? He laughed and said a little of both. I took that to be a good sign and then made the stupid mistake of saying well that’s great, we are good then right? No need to have any conversation about us going back. And that’s when he dropped the bombshell of well yea everything is amazing HERE but that he can’t be in a relationship when he gets back. At that point my mouth basically dropped, I was pretty blind sighted. I was expecting for things to take a step back, you can’t go from living and working with someone to then living and working separately without taking a few steps back. And in fact I was looking forward to us just going back to dating and really getting to know each other… turns out he wasn’t. In fact he said he needs to get things sorted out in his life (Therapy is one of the things he’s starting up when he gets back from his hike) and just can’t have the distraction of a girlfriend right now. Part of that I understand because I’m in the same mindset right now, and he legitimately has too much going on. Besides Mount Whitney this week he heads back east for a wedding in New York of one of his frat brothers, he’s in the middle of pitching his internet cartoon to Fox and the Cartoon Network, he’s in the middle of finishing his script, trying to get his blog up and running and only has a few more weeks to do all this before the show he works on is back from Hiatus. That part I understand and knew we could work around!) but then he dropped the part that I can’t work around. He said that we both got way more attached than we thought we would, to which I pointed out yes but as you are admitting YOU ARE ATTACHED. Turns out whatever we have going on has scared him, and as happy as I am for a guy to finally admit that yes he cares but just is running scared from it, it still sucks. Because in the long run I am ending up alone while he figures out his life and most likely will move on completely healthy to his next girlfriend!

And I guess things should have ended that night. But seeing as he was still staying with me until Friday they didn’t. We went home, went to bed, cuddled a bit but that was it. And the next morning when he was off to work he once again woke me up like he always does for a kiss goodbye before he heads out the door. But from there I was just confused and hurt. Here is this GREAT guy who for once in my life things have just been easy with. There hasn’t been any drama. No fighting. No arguments. Everything has been too perfect in fact. Too easy. And turns out I wasn’t the only one who though that… He kept asking me what I wanted and why, but I wasn’t able to really give him an answer that night. Which is why we ended up on that constant loop of him saying that he can’t be in a relationship and that he felt like a douche… well that may be the case, but at the same time I know he’s right there but just too afraid to take the leap. I know part of the problem is that he’s still really screwed up about his ex… and I also know he’s still screwed up about his feelings for a mutual friend of ours. Now I don’t know what his past relationship was like with his ex or what his feelings for our friend really are, I know that both these girls seem to have him scared big time. And that makes him want to run very very fast for this. But at the same time I think we both are making a mistake to just walk away from this. Because this isn’t about our pasts, and yes I can admit I do have my past baggage. In the middle of our disagreement he joked that he couldn’t throw a rock without hitting one of my ex’s. I tried to point out that this isn’t about those past relationships though. This should be just about us. Which is still way simpler than any of that. Way simpler that it’s ever been for us in our pasts. It’s about the fact that he makes me laugh. He kept asking way, and that’s it. I fell for a guy who makes me laugh in a way that I had forgotten I could. At the same time I know he fell for a girl who can make him smile again. And not the grin, ha ha smile. But the big jack-o-lantern, dimples-inducing, sheepish wrinkle causing smile. It started out simple and uncomplicated…and I don’t see why it couldn’t continue that way. I know he’s thinking commitment, and relationships and heartache and drama. But what I kept trying to tell him was that I was always talking about just keeping that smile and laughter going. I wasn’t thinking long term let’s move in together, get married, raise our 3.5 kids and make each other miserable… It was more along the lines of I don’t know what my life has in store after today so let’s try something, let’s go hiking, get some surfing in, maybe a little ice cream sandwich at Diddy Reese, some sex occasionally… but just go back to taking it slow and actually get to know each other. Cuz maybe we would hate each other, or maybe we would grow bored, maybe we wouldn’t have any time or maybe all the time in the world… Sometimes things are hard. And yet sometimes they are really just easy. And it’s those easy things that are so rare and so few that it’s hard to let them just pass us by.

And it’s just been a few weeks. Very easy for both of us to walk away… yet somehow I don’t think it’s that easy for a guy who makes sure to give me a kiss goodbye before work every morning. A guy who brings me a drinks when I’m relaxing in the bath. A guy who hops into the bed at night after sex with his guitar to sing me to sleep. A guy who cleans my apartment as a surprise knowing I didn’t have time to before my friends come into town. A guy who remembers my favorite cheeses when I’m having a horrible day (and makes sure I eat enough so that I don’t “die”- his word, not mine). A guy who not only snuggles up against me at night but will kiss the back of my shoulder when he thinks I’m sleeping. And a guy who even on that next morning when I cuddled up against him did that little half moan of mmmmm at it… But then again maybe it’s just me that will have a hard time walking away from that guy…

Top 10 places to eat at in Los Angeles

On hearing that Mr. Piranha has been living in Los Angeles for almost 4 years and still hasn’t tried more than a handful of restaurants I devised yet another top ten list to get him out of the Valley and into the belly of Los Angeles. Or should I say get Los Angeles into his Belly. Here’s the list. My pick for top 10 restaurants in Los Angeles…. In no particular order.

1) Benitos Tacos.
The closest that you can get to Humbertos in Los Angeles, with 3 convenient locations (at least to my apartment that is) that stay open late so you can get a burrito or rolled tacos when heading home from the bars…or on those Sunday mornings when there isn’t much else open. Prices comparable to the best of the “taco shops”. This is not tex-mex but good old Southern California version of Mexican. Don’t expect margaritas or table cloths at this place. This is basically a taco truck indoors, and equally as good.
http://benitos.com/

2) Cha Cha Chicken.
Right next to the beach, this place looks, feels, sounds and will have you believing that you really are sitting right off a Caribbean beach drinking a mai tai (minus the mai tai and the incredibly blue crystal clear water!). The food is amazing, and I would recommend the Cha Cha Jerk Chicken (of course) but extra spicy is the best ! In fact you will probably want to get a container of their sauce to go, it last for about a month in the fridge and you can make your own jerk chicken. Though their dirty beans and rice are also orgasm worthy… best part of it, is the short hop to the beach making it a perfect Saturday destination. Though it’s a little pricier than what you would expect from a beach shack, its worth every little cent! http://www.chachachicken.com/ 1906 Ocean Ave., Santa Monica Ca. 90405

3) Big Mikes.
If you are looking for the best Philly Cheese Steak outside of Philly than this is the place for you. Located right off the strip in Hermosa it’s perfect to fill you up after a day of volleyball and sun. This possibly will have one of the best sandwiches that you’ve ever had in your life!!!! Big Mike’s is so down low that it doesn’t even have a website, yet the line is always around the block!
1314 Hermosa Ave., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254

4) Primitivo Wine Bistro
The one is the BEST place in Los Angeles. It also has the prices to back that up. Not for an everyday destination, but for special occasions it’s the perfect place to celebrate with wine and tapas. Their cheese plate is the best (it’s now only on the desert menu but you can order it as part of your meal too), the second best is their steak frites and fries (the sauce you will want to lick off the plate it’s so good), and the third is their tiramisu (though they also have this amazing rum ice cream that I’ve only tasted better actually in Jamaica with our private chef).
http://www.primitivowinebistro.com/ 1025 Abbot Kinney Blvd., Venice, CA 90291

5) Brazilian Exotic Foods
This is the mom and pop shop, without the pop. It’s a pretty much female run business and will make you feel like you are sitting down to eat with your grandma cooking, this is if you grandma was a little Brazilian lady. There is no set menu, and it changes every day. Try their version of Papricosh Chicken (it will be this cream chicken thing that will look disgusting and is just a little paradise in your mouth).
http://brazilianexoticfoods.com/ 3300 Overland Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90034

6) Diddy Riese.
You can’t go wrong with 1.50 ice cream sandwiches. You pick your choice of fresh baked cookie and then your choice of ice cream. My personal favorite is M&M Cookie with Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. This place is actually perfect on the hot Santa Anna nights when you can’t sleep and nothing you do can cool you off…
http://diddyriese.com/home.php 926 Broxton Avenue, Westwood, CA 90024

7)Paradise Cove
Definitely over priced for the food but the ambience is worth every penny, though I have to say their spicy grilled chicken sandwich (order it with avocado added onto it) and amazing curly fries make it a perfect brunch place. But really the reason you go is for your mimosas that you can drink with your feet literally in the sand (though their strawberry mojitos are also worth it!). Now this one is perfect after an early morning hike in Coral Canyon!
http://www.paradisecovemalibu.com/ 28128 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA 90265

8)The Counter.
Best burger in the city… though really it’s the burger bowl that I go for. This is a build your own which has high class choice of toppings. My fav is the burger bowl with feta cheese, avocado and the best honey mustard dressing. And you can’t eat a burger without their sweet potato fries!
A party in your mouth!!!!
http://www.thecounterburger.com/

9)Fords Filling Station.
Comfort food with a high class twist. Though I think any place that you can choose what kinds of meat and what kinds of cheeses you want on your platter is AOK in my book! But even better than the cheese and meat plate is the bacon wrapped Brussels sprouts. Your mouth will be watering even weeks later!
http://www.fordsfillingstation.net/ 9531 Culver Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90232

10)C&O Tratorria
Two locations right next to each other in Venice, it’s the best Italian place in town. Though what I like even better than the food, better than the wine, better than the garlic knots is the fact that they hand out lyrics so everyone can sing along on busy nights! You can’t go wrong with a good ole sing along.
http://www.cotrattoria.com/ 31 Washington Boulevard, Marina Del Rey, CA 90292

Now the problem with putting together the 10 best places is that you can’t narrow it down to just 10… so here are the runner ups.

Tie for Runner Up in best Mexican Category:
-Titos Tacos- You have to get the tacos here, they are simple, greasy, cheap and with tons of cheese!
http://www.titostacos.com/ 11222 Washington Place, Culver city, CA 90230
-Chipotle- build your own burrito! The only chain restaurant on the list but so worth it. Only didn’t make the top because it’s a bit pricier than the other taco stands. But that’s what you get when you are owned by the McDonald’s Corporation.
http://www.chipotle.com/#/land

Tie Runner Up for best Sandwich:
-Bay Cities Deli. What looks like the normal sandwich shop is really one of the yummiest places in the city. Tons and tons of meat, heapings of cheese, two great pieces of bread and all the condiments you want!
http://baycitiesitaliandeli.com/ 1517 Lincoln Blvd., Santa Monica, CA 90401
-Portos Bakery- now most people go there for their Cuban style sandwiches. I go there for their Potato Balls. Meaty goodness mixed with velvety mashed potatoes fried up to golden perfection. Best thing in the world!!!
http://www.portosbakery.com/

Runner Up for best view:
-Moon Shadows. This place is unbelievable over priced, but the view is amazing. My favorite time is to go it later at night on really storm nights. The place is practically empty, and you look out on the ocean watching the rain and the crazy waves. Add to that a glass of wine and once again a good cheese plate (yea I know there is probably a theme to this!)
http://www.moonshadowsmalibu.com/ 20356 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, Ca 90265

Runner up for best comfort food:
-Baby Blues- Unreal Southern BBQ food with once again another sauce you would lick! This place is a little more than a counter with a few tables, which is why there is always a line and a short wait. But it’s beyond worth it.
http://www.babybluesvenice.com/#/home 444 Lincoln blvd, Venice, CA 90291

Runner up for best burger:
-Ricks on Main. Tuesday and Wednesday’s are Burger Madness. For 6 dollars you get a huge burger and huge bucket of fries (now mind you it use to be 5 dollars for burger, fries and a beer but hey we’ve all been hit by the economy.)
2907 Main Street, Santa Monica, CA, 90405

Runner up for best date place:
-World Café. Best Hummus in the city- with a platter of veggies and bread. Also an amazing spicy chicken penne. But the reason to go is to sit outside enjoying the weather with all the twinkly Christmas lights and enjoying a nice bottle of wine.
http://worldcafela.com/ 2820 Main St , Santa Monica, CA 90405

Runner up for best desert:
-Nickel dinner- since you love bacon on everything they actually have a bacon DONUT!
http://5cdiner.com/ 524 S. Main St. , Los Angeles CA 90013

Tie for Runner up for best Brunch:
-Rose Cafe- Not only amazing amazing mimosas but you can get croissants with brie.
http://www.rosecafe.com/ 220 Rose Ave., Venice, CA
-Ponchos- Mexican brunch with bottomless free champagne and mimosas!
http://www.panchosrestaurant.com/ 3615 Highland Avenue, Manhattan Beach CA. 90266