Hardt sadly pimped out again

Not only do I know the dance we singles do at a bar, I would like to say I have perfected it. You walk in (the best bet to pick up men is if you only have one or two other girls with you), order a drink and simply wait with a smile. Before long someone will approach, you chat for a bit, smile a little bit more and before long a drink will be bought for you or if you are feeling feisty you will buy that first round of drinks. After a few more drinks you can either decide to go home with your new friend or if you want a little more than just a one night fling the digits will be exchanged.

The single part of life I know very well… but what I don’t know is the married part. Last night I went out with two of my happily married friends (with their two young sons in tow). What I expected was a lot of wine (and oh we did not disappoint), a few laughs, a few tears (from the two boys of course!) and basically just a nice Italian dinner. Instead what I go was two of my happily married friends trying to once again settle me down. And last night they decided that the waiter was the one who I should settle with. The main criteria for this would be the fact that he was tall, cute (but so not my type!) and seemed to really like kids. Of course I protested… Not my type and seeing as I’m a bartender right now I do not want to be dating a waiter- we would really be one poor couple! But after a few bottles of wine my friends started to silence my protests, but he’s nice, lives in Los Angeles and is the type that I should be dating (IE not a player that will end up dicking me around, disappearing on me or just plain breaking my heart). So at the end of the night they slipped my phone number to Mr. C&O on their credit card slip… I’m just hoping that they were too drunk to get the number right, because as nice as it would be to finally be dating someone they approved of, I think I’m going to have to just go out and find that one on my own. Because not only is that half the fun but I'm still holding out hope on a certain someone...

UPDATE: Turns out I underestimated my own appeal because of course Mr. C&O called tonight for a date...

Let's talk about sex

Last night while reading my monthly selection of magazines, I realized I’d outgrown Cosmo and the other “sex” magazines… Most of the sex tips are redundant, I can pretty much say- been there done that, or they are useless- Should you give him an ultimatum (seriously?!) or just plain stupid- What’s the best song to striptease to (once again, SERIOUSLY?!). So I’ve decided to post a weekly Sexual Q and A with Cosmo, Hardt, and our new weekly guest Blogger Dr. Smolder.

Our Qualifications to give you, my readers, sex and relationship advice:
Cosmopolitan Magazine: 1st launched in 1886 as a family magazine, Cosmo now is the top selling woman’s magazine, with 58 international additions, printed in 34 languages, in over 100 countries.
Dr. Smolder: The Relationship Expert. Our new weekly guest Blogger. In her late 20’s, has been married for more years than I’ve been in relationships, has a son, a full time job and still manages to find time for “quality” time with her husband.
Miss Hardt: Me. As you know I’m 29, single but have had more relationships (and relations) than are really necessary, and have tried pretty much all the positions in Cosmo so really I am the sex expert of the 3 of “us”.

So here is the first of our Q and A’s… feel free to comment with your own relationship and sex questions, we will answer them next week with Cosmo and our advice.

- Are condoms effective underwater?
Cosmo says: They are not tested underwater, so there’s no assurance they’ll hold up.
Hardt says: If your condom DOES NOT hold up underwater, I think you should be using a different condom! But go for a small test run first- The shower is one of the best places to have sex… up against the shower wall is the easiest position, especially since there usually is a little Slip N Slide action going on. If the shower works than feel free to take it outside- pool, hot tub, ocean, jet ski, surf board… go enjoy a little summer fun!

- What’s the most common male fantasy?
Cosmo says: Threesome with two women.
Hardt says: HAVE YOU MET ANY MEN, because every guy’s top fantasy is a threesome. But why are you asking Cosmo? If you want to know what your boyfriend/husband is fantasizing about than you should be able to ask him. If you can’t ask him that then maybe you should not be having sex. But remember just because it's his fantasy doesn't mean you have to indulge him in it!
Dr. Smolder says: I agree that’s the most common fantasy, however I think that not all guys have premeditated fantasies. One of the thrills of having a longtime partner is creating fantasies for him. For example, use your surroundings and your imagination, become a real live porn star by taking advantage of a long elevator ride or give a spontaneous hand job under an airline blanket during a boring flight. Not every guy wants to be in the mile high club, he just wants to be “attended to” during the ride.

- He almost too big. What positions are good for him to ease his way into me without hurting me?
Cosmo says: Anything where you can control the speed and depth, such as girl on top.
Hardt says: Yes boys as shocking as it seem there is such thing as Too Big. But let me tell you from experience you still can have fun with Mr. Too Big. And come one ladies, we’ve all been with the Mr. Too Small so just reverse the positions that you used with those guys and you are all set! But once again, why are you asking Cosmo? The best way to find out is to just keep trying it, if you are too shy to tell him that it’s painful than maybe once again you shouldn’t be having sex! Sex is about mixing it up, if it’s too painful one way spin yourself around and try another.
Dr. Smolder says: Mr. Too big taught me about the joys of being on top. Not only can you control the ebb and flow but you get a whole body workout at the same time.

- I’m dating a bad kisser, does that mean he’s bad in bed?
Cosmo says: Maybe
Hardt says: YES… but really if he’s a bad kisser why even bother going through the motions of sleeping with him! Kick him out of the bedroom and find someone who you are more tongue compatible with!
Dr. Smolder says: You can teach a bad kisser how to be a better kisser, it’s all about communication and modeling.

- What’s the sexiest way to put on a condom?
Cosmo says: With your mouth.
Hardt says: Hmmmm I want to try that one… let me get back to you once I get the hang of that! But the thing to remember, especially if you are single- the condom is key. It doesn't matter if it goes on sexy as long as it goes on! Hardt's rule number 1.
Dr. Smolder says: There is no sexy way to put on a condom. Get on the pill and find yourself a long term partner.

- I want to have sex in a public place- but not too public, any ideas?
Cosmo says: The bathroom of an uncrowded bar, a car on the side of a quiet road, secluded beach at night…
Hardt says: Probably best not to plan which public space to have sex in, but when you find yourself in the moment just go for it. Though personally I can recommend the beach option (Just had a very memorable trip to San Diego in which the Cliffs of La Jolla came into play). On the other hand I would not recommend a national park because let me tell you those rangers are not too happy when they find you, trust me on this one the last thing you want to see in the middle of sex is a ranger standing over you!
Dr. Smolder says: Cars are always a good choice as a transitional place. As well as a darken theater, but it helps if you know the people that work there.

- Naughtiest Sex Position:
Cosmo Says: Up against a wall
Dr. Smolder says: Doggie style is the naughtiest because it gives you the feeling of being a porn star.
Hardt says: Up against the wall is nice, but I added an extra element to it recently that I enjoyed- facing full length mirror. You can have the experience of being that porn start without having to actually video tape yourself! But really you can bring elements of being naughty into any sexual position. Tired of plain old missionary, have your boyfriend tie you to the bed. Doggie Style getting a little boring, grab your vibrator and use it while he's inside you. Sick of your usual positions in the bedroom- move them into the living room, try the couch, table, kitchen counter whatever you have available. Just a little mixing up can change your tired old routine immensely.

- How to go from Booty Call to boyfriend:
Cosmo says: After a few months of hooking up, I started to fall for my friends with benefits, even though we discussed not getting serious. Once, when I was feeling down about the situation, I mentioned how sad it made me that guys seemed afraid to commit. I said I was worried that no matter how smart or funny I could be, I’d never find a guy who would be ready to make me his girlfriend. Right then, he looked at me, and something must have clicked. He told me he wasn’t sure why it had taken him so long to figure it out, but I was the girl for him. We’ve been together ever since.
Dr. Smolder says: PLEASE, that only happens in the movies. If you really want a boyfriend you have to respect each other from the get go. But if you start out as a booty call you have to respect the sanctity of a booty call as well.
Hardt says: If he only wants you as a Booty call there is no way to transition to a boyfriend, especially if he's already told you he doesn't want to get serious. But the better question is why are you ok staying with someone who obviously doesn’t really want to be with you! From my experience nothing good ever comes from trying to change your relations. Either he will decide to stay as just a booty call- and in that case you end up getting hurt. Or you then force him into a relationship that he didn’t want in the first place. In the end you will only end up hurting yourself, because he will eventually leave. But really do you want to be with someone who is only half ass with you? My advice is that if you are ok with just being his booty call than stay in it, but if you want more go out and find yourself someone who wants all of you, not just you at 3am or not just you when he’s horny and lonely!

Till next time Cosmo, Hardt, and Smolder wish you a happy and safe sexual journey... the most important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to be fun! ENJOY

For one moment in time.

It’s funny how we take millions of pictures but forget the moments in which they were taken. Sure we can remember the place or the people in them. But we forget how we felt… But then sometimes when we least expect it those forgotten memories sneak up on us. I can’t explain why, but over the last few days I’ve had those millions of memories come flooding back to me. Part of it was watching a movie in which one of the main characters was a freshman at NYU. As I watched her sit on the steps of Weinstein, pass the arch in Washington Square Park, eat ice cream at Serendipity it made me very nostalgic for New York, for being in college and for the Hardt that I was in college.I started remembering the dinner parties we use to threw at Steph and Jims (plus the real reason that the screen door broke!). Packing up all my stuff with Lisa and Brian before I moved to Los Angeles, just 3 days before September 11th. The way the city looked at 2am when you would leave the bar and it was all of a sudden transformed under a blanket of white after the first snow. The come with your heart on party at Turnip Theatre every Valentines Day. Those summers wondering through central park with nothing to do but enjoy life. Reading on a rainy days in the indoor garden at the Met. All those horrible Playwrights 3rd year shows and spending Sundays at Tech Rehearsals with Krispy Cream donuts (odd memories I know!). Freshman year when Jonathan was next door (well that hasn’t changed!) and Anne was just down the street. When the hardest thing in my life was getting up in the morning for 8am warm up class (which I attended in my pajamas more than once!). All those Saturdays my Dad would come out just for the day to see one of my shows and we would wonder around the city just the two of us. Taking that horrible trolley home to Water Street every day and the walk up to school through China Town and Little Italy. Drinks at the World Trade Center the weekend of The Niger Trial (it was a play, I’m not a racist!). My graduation lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park where I thought my father was the coolest guy ever because he palmed the hostess to get us a table. Watching Rent with my Mother (I might not be able to remember all the Broadway shows I’ve seen but I will always remember my first!). Running through Battery Park on the weekends when there was no one around. Walking through a blizzard to work in a snow suit (everyone laughed but hey at least I was warm!). That feeling that I could do anything I wanted, be anyone, go anywhere. A time before heartbreak, when I was sure that a prince charming was just around the corner and I couldn’t wait to finally lose my virginity. When a cheese burger and cheese fries at Cozy Soup and Burger could cure everything. And a boat ride to Staten Island would clear my head. Those 2am trips to Coney Island just to see the ocean (even though it was in the middle of winter and snowing out!). Being ok with who I was, where I was going… when I thought I’d never leave New York. Still thought I’d make my first million before I was 30, meet the man of my dreams at 28, get engaged at 29, and then married at 30. When I thought I’d have a bakers dozen of kids running around the city… I know that these memories will always be with me, I have tokens and pictures to remind me, plus friends to reminisce with… if only I could have kept with me that feeling of being invincible, because over the years I’ve lost that naïve NYU Student… instead I’m harden, and realistic, prone to the melodramatic, obsessive, a little insecure… but just for one day I’d like to go back in time and just breath in who I use to be.

Losing my mind... or have I already lost it?

So I think the stress of my life has finally gotten to me… I’ve finally gone mental. Maybe it’s early onset altzemiers, or an early mid-life crisis or life has just gotten the better of my, but lately I feel that I’m losing it. Case in point this evening… I came home exhausted from a day of bartending and thought I’d cook myself a nice dinner- teriyaki chicken with rice and steamed veggies. Sounds simple enough, right? Well obviously you haven’t met me.

Step One: Pre-heat the oven
Now this one seems like the easy step, all you have to do is turn the knob to 350 and wait… except that I was in the middle of doing something else, opened the oven door to take out the trays that were in there (I learned my lesson from Lisa and Brian with the time they set the Papoulis kitchen on fire) and left to take my shower… the part of the process that I forgot was to CLOSE THE OVEN DOOR! Yes it seems that I must be trying to kill myself… luckily I caught this as soon as I got out of the shower, put the chicken in it, and closed the door.

Step Two: Check on the chicken.
So I pulled out the chicken (which happens to be in a glass dish) and placed it on the stove, flipped it over, added some spices and then grabbed the dish to put it in the oven. Once again I must be trying to kill, or at least really hurt myself because I didn’t put an oven mitt on! No I haven’t been drinking, haven’t been on any drugs, don’t have a concussion and despite how it seems do cook a lot… so really we will just call me plain old stupid on this one.

Step Three: Start the rice and the veggies.
I put all my ingredients into the rice cooker, put the veggies on the steamer that goes on top and sat down to read a book. 10 minutes later I went to stir everything and thought wow this doesn’t seem to be cooking very fast. Guess it would help if I actually plugged in the rice cooker!

Needless to say right now it seems that I would forget my own head if it wasn’t screwed on… so crossing my fingers that nothing else goes wrong with my dinner. But hey, at least I’m on a first name basis with all the firemen from the station across the street, just in case!

Is this my life?

Today I got to thinking about my life. What’s in it. What does it mean. Who I am. What I am… And where am I going to end up when this crazy rollercoaster that has been my life finally stops.

Filling out my passport paperwork I realized I don’t have a box - single, married, divorced… is there an undecided? A couple of months ago it was in a relationship and happy, but that feels more like a lifetime ago… now my box should be “dating” but in reality I’m really horrible at that. When the dating genes were given out, I sure was skipped! The only way I can describe myself is dating-retarded! I’m good at relationships but dating just leaves me baffled. I go on dates- some successful some not. I don’t seem to have trouble meeting men, it’s just meeting men that I actually want to be with that seems to be a little bit harder! I’ve been dating Mr. Green for about a month now but due to his schedule I won’t be seeing him in Los Angeles for at least another month if not more, so really we should say we are in limbo or on hold. Though from my experience when you are separated from someone for longer than you were together that usually means you are over. The true test will be to see if he actually invites me down to San Diego in that time... I have Mr. X who sends emails/texts/im’s/pictures from India and Thailand but really I don’t want more than just to be friends this time around. I will always love him, am looking forward to seeing him when he gets back in a couple weeks because really he’s been great this year- the perfect distraction that I needed to get back on my feet… but at the same time I realized he’s a great distraction, but right now I’m looking for something a little bit more. But for every moment where I’m unhappy being single I have another moment where I’m so happy I’m not in a relationship. I can go down to San Diego at a moments notice to visit friends, I can hop off to Jamaica without having to worry about checking in with anyone, I can have girls night where I go out and get my flirt on (plus multiple free drinks), I can spend my Sunday laying in bed doing nothing or I can get up and surf and hike and do yoga and not have to worry about what anyone else wants to do.

As for my age- I’m not quite 30 but at the same time I don’t feel like I’m in my 20’s anymore. I still have those impulses to go and get crazy and have wild nights… and lately it’s ended up like it did last weekend- in bed asleep by midnight! I have “jobs” but right now I can’t say I have a career (Occupation- Bartender? Swim Instructor? Surf Instructor? Babysitter? Yard Sale Specialist? Entertainment Assistant?). I was recently reminded of just how athletic I am… but at the same time I feel like I’ve never been lazier. I know I have packed on a few pounds lately… mostly because I’m, dare I say it, happy. Being in my post-relationship depression it was easy to eat crazy healthy and work out all the time… but lately I’ve found that ice cream calling to me and when the gym time rolls around a nice nap seems just as nice!

Really right now the only thing I do know is that I’ve somehow gotten off track… and I really don’t know how to get back on it. So I’ve decided to take the next 30 days and just really figure out what is going on in my life. I’ve also decided I really need to shake things up a bit, and more than just by trying a different class at the gym! And I don’t know if that means I need to give up alcohol, meat, men (GASP!), sex… But it definitely means I need to take some time by myself, without the outside voices interjecting on my life…. Because right now there sure are a lot! It seems everyone has an opinion on how I’m living my life, how I could do better, what I need to stop doing, what I need to not be thinking about… lately it’s become too much. Too much criticism. Too much advice. And really just too little Hardt. So check back in a month and see how much can change… I’ll just be getting back into the United States… I’ll hopefully have a nice tan and a flat stomach. Maybe a nice boy to come home to (and if not than I think I can be ok with that too). Hopefully a perfect job that lets my bank account get back into the positive numbers…. And hopefully a perfect ME.

I love you Hardt!

A friend has been out of town the last couple of days so I have basically been surrogate Mother to her 3 year old daughter Natalia. It’s been fairly easy, especially since the nanny has been here to feed her, help her to bed at night, get her ready for school… But my hardest task every morning has been the school drop off. Each morning when we leave the house she’s ready for a fun day at school, she jabbers the entire way there giving me a running commentary on the world outside and tells me a million times “I love you Hardt”, and as soon as we get there she jumps out of the car grabs my hand and leads me inside. But it’s inside that an abrupt change happens. Gone is the smiling happy girl, and instead she is replaced by the very shy sad one who clings to me as if I was the last lifeboat on the Titanic. I find it all amusing, seeing that she spends most of her day (5 days a week) with her teachers and only sees me when I come over for swim lessons or pick up Alissa to go out for the evening. But nonetheless, she clings to my leg, sits on my lap, gives me numerous hugs and kisses before I leave and in a soft tearful voice says “I love you Hardt”… now she’s been known to tell the car I love you, and would probably cling to the dog if it came with us to school but still it’s nice to have someone really need you, even if it’s only for 10 minutes every morning. But with that said, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get back into my car, open the sun roof and blast the radio on my way home. Because as nice as it is to have someone tell you that they love you over and over again, it’s equally as nice to just have some quiet. And as much as I would like a family and my white picket fence, I realize that I don’t want that for a couple of years (at least 5!)… And that moment of clarity makes being single just a little bit sweeter!

Fake it till you make it!

Sometimes life’s Annoyances just really seem to get me down… And after two days of being aggravated (though the Vodka last night did help alleviate a bit of it!) I’m ready to just breathe and re-boot. Here are the top 3 things that have sent me off the edge in the last couple of days… though a close on their heels is my computer that shut down as soon as I had finished writing and deleted this, certain boys and timeframes, my belly that seems to be getting larger by the minute, that ice cream in the freezer that is just calling my name… ok yea there are a lot of things annoying me so on with the top ones!

Annoyance number 1: COPS
Ok now I may seem to be a hypocrite since I’m usually the first person to defend our men in uniform… but seriously some guys are out there just to be an ass. Yesterday morning while heading home from dropping off a friends daughter at school I volunteered to also drop off her nanny at the bus stop… her nanny mind you is a very short, small, Pilipino woman (this will become important later). Anyways just as we were about to pass the bus stop, she yells THAT’S IT THAT’S IT.. so I quickly put my right blinker on, checked over my shoulder, moved into the right lane and immediately turned. While she was getting out of the car a police office knocked on my window. My first thought was, ok this is a red zone but he can see I’m just dropping her off. He then proceeded to ask for my license and registration. At that point I was very confused, which I said to him. I had done nothing illegal so why was I getting a ticket! His actual response was, well ma’am you weren’t in the right lane long enough before you turned and next time you can cause an accident. WHAT?! I had plenty of time to look over, see that there were no other cars on the road, put on my blinker, and then change lanes and turned. At this point I didn’t want to argue too much with him, but definitely did inform him that I thought he was wrong… to which he said very slowly as if I’m an idiot- well ma’am obviously you have problems understanding things let me explain this to you a little clearer. And of course next to the car was the poor nanny freaking out saying- I’m so sorry, don’t give her a ticket, it was all my fault… and the cop just looked at her and yelled- BACK AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE MA’AM… all in all I wanted to just deck him, especially when he continued to yell at her! But I remained calm and informed him that I was looking forward to seeing him again when I fought him in court over this one.

Annoyance number 2: Underpaid Gym Managers
Now when I think of people working at gyms I often think of very perky happy people, after all, after all exercising gets you on endorphins, right?! Well obviously THOSE people do not work at my gym! And after my incident with the police all I wanted to do was hit my boot camp class and work off my aggressions! Turns out that since I have an out of state Drivers License that was not going to be possible… after the front desk attendant stood firm on her IDIOTIC ground I asked to see a manager. When I informed him that I’ve never had a problem before he actual told me that I need to point out the people that usually let me in with that license because he needs to write them up! ARE YOU KIDDING ME… after informing him what I thought of his gym and policy I quickly left the gym on my way to hike… and I have to say thank goodness the Tree People were a much nicer lot!

Annoyance number 3: California Unemployment Insurance
Ok so I called last week to extend my unemployment claim and was told to call back this week to follow up. And for two days I have been on a permanent state of hold and then hung up on MULTIPLY TIMES. And I understand that the reason they are extending people’s benefits is because there are so many unemployed right now, so really it would make sense for them to just hire more people to answer there phone systems! Seriously is it too much to ask that I can actually get a hold of someone about my check!!!

So there are my top three… lets hope the rest of the week goes a little smoother, especially since this afternoon will be spent dealing with getting my passport renewed!