Show me you, what?!

Since it was such a hit telling Mr. Masturbators story and having everyone laugh at someone else’s expense for once, I thought I would tell the story of Mr. Penis. One that even makes the losers I date seem semi-normal. Now I have to stress, this is a story that was told to me, so don’t try and guess which one of my friends is the guy. I don't actually don’t know the person, but after hearing the story I kind of wish I did… but it was just too good not to tell, especially in light of all my naked pictures that ended up on the internet.

Let me take you down to San Diego where there is a poor girl whom we shall have to name Miss Penis. And she unfortunately did nothing to earn her name except agree to meet with a friend’s personal trainer on what was assumed to be a blind date. Except she kind of thought it was just a blind “meet” and he thought it was definitely a “date”. But the point is they agreed to go rock climbing. Which seemed to be going fine except that she wasn’t interested in being more than friends but unfortunately he was. Now we already can tell that he’s a little slow- seeing as he’s a personal trainer. But his clue that she really wasn’t interested should have been that at the end of the date he didn’t even get a kiss goodnight. But poor Mr. Penis must have spent the following week dreaming of their second date… now most likely Miss Penis went on with her business as normal that week and probably didn’t even give him much of a second thought until she received a text message while she was out having drinks. Now you are probably thinking, oh you can’t blame the guy for sending her a text message… and I wouldn’t except for the fact that the text message also included a picture of his PENIS! I kid you not. And she did what only self respecting female out there would do- forward that sucker on to all of her friends!

So moral of the story to all the guys out there- unless you want to be an internet joke please refrain from sending pictures of your naked body parts to someone you’ve only gone on one date with! Even if you are huge and have the most perfect penis in the world, I can guarantee you that she doesn’t want to see it… unless she’s having a bad day and needs to pull something out to make her laugh.

Meeting the Parents... GASP!

Now there comes a point in every relationship when you have to meet the parents. And it’s something every person dreads. For me I get especially worried after Mr. Wyoming’s Mother hated me and had no problem telling that to me face… though ironically he still doesn’t remember her ever not liking me. I’m not kidding when I tell you this woman use to call every night just when we were going to bed (or having sex) and he would freaking answer it- even if we were having sex! But that’s an entirely different relationship story… anyways Sunday morning Mr. Green meet my parents. Now in a normal circumstance it would be WAY too soon to meet them- especially since we are only just dating! But seeing as both myself and them live out of town and we all were in San Diego for the wedding the timing was just right. Though I have to say I originally I didn’t invite him to brunch because I know that I had been pressuring him too much lately to get the allusive commitment, and I figured meeting the family would send him over the edge. Plus he was going to be spending the weekend at wedding events with me, which was also a little bit of pressure for just a budding relationship. When I first mentioned the brunch I knew I had guessed correctly, he kind of froze and was like ok I’ll think about it. Which kind of was the answer I wanted for two reasons. One I didn’t think it was fair to introduce them to someone I was dating if it wasn’t serious… and two they never like anyone I’ve ever dated and I just can’t deal anymore with having to justify and defend someone to my family. But as the weekend progressed (and he luckily missed meeting them at both the Out of Town Guests drinks reception and at the end of the wedding) he started to change his mind…And Saturday night after the wedding (before I passed out drunk, the poor guy!) he decided that he was ready to meet them in the morning… though of course that’s not saying it was easy to drag his ass out of bed Sunday morning! I once again told him he could sleep in and I would meet up with him when I was done, but he surprisingly rallied and met them with me at the Green Flash for breakfast. But what was even more surprising was the fact that my family seemed to really like him. My Mom is still not sold, but only because of the fact that he lives in San Diego. She kept saying he seems really great, nice, handsome… but he’s not local (as if I needed her to ONCE again remind me of that one!). And she made a point to mention that he was 10 times better than Mr. NakedBartender ever was … but the person that I was most shocked with was my father. He first got on the phone and was upset because I didn’t call and ask him what he had thought of Mr. Green. Oh great, here it is I thought… but what he said was that he really liked him, thought he was great. And of course his little input on my ex’s was- I like Mr. Green, and you know I never liked Mr. Arizona. Which wasn’t a surprise since in the last 2 years of us being together my father actually REFUSED to talk him. Mr. Arizona would come over to my parent’s house for many events and holidays and would barely acknowledge his existence! And here is my Dad calling to say that he actually (GASP) approves of someone I’m dating… seriously hell might have frozen over down there in San Diego over the weekend. Or it could be that I’m actually dating a good guy?! Though as we all know I have been drastically wrong before when saying that statement, so really only time will tell...

Don't stop believeing

This morning as I sit down at my computer trying to put the weekend into words, and for once in my life I am left speechless. To start off with I had the most amazing time the last three day. I went down to San Diego for the wedding of one of my best friends since 2nd grade. Now this is someone who I grew up with and consider like a sister to me. We’ve gotten into numerous scrapes in our life (As we found out Officer Webber will always leave an imprint on our parents minds), gone through way too many boys, schools, teachers, friends, lovers… Seen our parents grow old, watched her siblings grow up, seen the death of more than one pet (I was there the day her hamster died just as she was with me the moment my bird died), made at least one teacher cry (sorry Mr. Esch), seen us through Chicago, Arizona, New York, DC, Los Angeles and all the places in between. We’ve vacationed with each others families, sampled her fathers home brew before we knew any better. And as of Saturday I walked down the aisle at her wedding. As was expected I cried (her entire family, plus herself, pointed and laughed as I sobbed through the Bride and Grooms first dance). I laughed along with her family and mine at all the memories of us as kids. Gave a slightly inebriated toast at the rehearsal dinner (and yes I actually did edit myself for once!). But all in all I was very touched during the two days of wedding festivities. Jenny looked amazing, a glowing bride in an amazing dress (definitely worth not being able to breath in) who has never looked as happy as she was this entire weekend. The service was by far the best mass I’ve attended for a wedding (the trick is to have a priest that actually knows the family). The band was one of the best I’ve heard for events (and the groom singing Highway to Hell made the entire night). And the hotel where the reception was held was right on the cliffs in La Jolla and it was breathtaking dancing the night away under the stars. I have to say watching her parents and mine really dance away was fantastic and touching. Truly it was a fairy tale wedding. And I admit at one point it did make me a little sad to watch how in love everyone was, and to realize that this is what I do want. I want that lifetime of happiness, and someone to slow dance under the stars with me, who knows me inside and out… basically someone to walk off into the sunset with. And although I did have the moment of sadness I also had numerous moments of happiness this weekend with Mr. Green. And I can honestly say I’m happy with the way things are between us EXACTLY AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. So there might not be a sunset in our near future… but let me tell you- sometimes the Cliffs of La Jolla are a very close second. And I’m sorry, but for now I’m actually keeping that memory all to myself!

Mr. M

Seeing as everyone’s favorite blogs of mine are always the ones in which Hardt gets herself into some kind of crazy predicament , I thought I’d share the very humorous story about a friend of mine this week, let’s call him Mr. Masturbator (though really it's Mr. Green!) Now it might not be as funny to laugh at someone other than me, but I think this tops my best story about being locked out of my apartment in only a string bikini.

So let me take you back to Sunday night. It was a hot humid night, with not much on TV (damn all the re-runs) and Mr. Masturbator thought he would pass the evening with a little weed and a little porn… now the only problem is that he seemed to have run out of lube. Well what’s a horny little guy to do, except in a stroke of genius he remembered that he picked up body wash at Wallmart the day before (Yea WALLMART, but that’s a whole different story). Now most people know that you aren’t supposed to wash ANYTHING for a prolonged period of time, especially not your penis. But like previously mentioned he was horny and stoned so he decided to go at it. Well 15 minutes later he finished and was a happy camper… until he realized that something was stinging. Yes you guessed it, he cleaned that little guy so well it practically was shinning! Well shinning like only a very red, chafed, swollen penis could be- and so not in a good way. And has remained in that state for 3 very long masturbating free days!

So kids the lesson to be learned today is don’t use body wash when masturbating… And for all you guys out there that have run out and are just too lazy or stoned to get some more here are the top 10 substitutes for lube. CAUTION THESE ARE FOR WHEN YOU ARE FLYING SOLO… most of these are NOT for use during sex with or without condoms. Unless you want to rot your condom (anything Vaseline or oil based) or give your poor girlfriend a UTI (most things that are NOT an official lube, if you are unsure DON’T RISK IT)! But otherwise have some fun and be safe with your masturbating!

1. Lotion
2. Baby Oil (seems the recommendation from most men is Johnson and Johnson Baby Oil Gel)
3. Spit (yours or your girlfriends if she wants to help you out)
4. Olive Oil (extra points for using “Extra Virgin”
5. Egg Whites (according to a Google search! I’ve used it on my hair before and it came out very shinny so maybe it would perk your penis up a bit!)
6. Vaseline (though if used to much it supposedly will make the skin on the penis thinner)
7. Coconut Oil (which got me to thinking, would tanning oil then work too?)
8. Peanut Better (according to Men’s Health, but seriously can’t imagine it would feel that great!)
9. Butter
10. Biotene Oral Balance Mouth Moisturizing Gel

Case and Point

About a half hour after posting my previous blog about feeling the need to censor myself I got a call from my mother. So with that last piece of “encouragement” I’ve decided to not air all of my laundry anymore and will have to go into a deep sense of censorship (ie get ready for really boring blogs)… She called to tell me that she didn’t think it was fair to Mr. Green that I was blogging about going on other dates. Now I was quick to point out to her BUT THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS… I gave him the option for us to be exclusive and he choose not to be. And yes I know that I should have walked away at that moment, but it’s only been a couple of weeks and I figured I’d give him some time to get to know the fantastic-ness that is me and change his mind. Because honestly, a month is too soon for anyone to want to commit to someone, even if that someone is as fabulous as me! And in the meantime yes I have gone out with a couple of gentleman… but to set the record straight I AM A SERIAL MONOGAMIST and no matter what, once I start into a sexual relation with someone they become the only guy that I am with. So the answer to the question on everyone’s mind, no Nicole is not sleeping, hooking up with, making out with anyone other than Mr. Green. My dates have been fairly innocent and friendly and although I would like him to think that I’m out there hanging from rafters and fear I am slipping away, that is simply not the case… Of course on the other hand I’m not saying I haven’t had the option to swing from those rafters, and although there have been some tempting offers, I unfortunately would just prefer to swing from them with him.

Censored

For the first time since I started blogging I have found myself censoring them… I moved my blogs from Myspace over to Blogspot so that I could write what I wanted and not have to be worried what people think… I had hoped that everyone I know and love would follow me over to the new blog, and I have been shocked with how much that has happened. In the end I have gotten more readers than I thought possible, and am shocked daily when friends asks for updates and wonder if my weekend is posted on my blog yet. But at the same time the people who I write about have also begun to follow my blog, just as my family also has begun to refer to the men in my life by their Mr. Title that I give them … but the excitement that I use to get when I was able to clear my head and write everything down (the good, bad and ugly) has left me because I have begun to double check myself, and tone down the stories, and make sure my hardt is really left out of it… so after a very cathartic weekend on many levels I’ve begun to think about all the times lately that I’ve had to stop myself lately…

I’ve censored myself when writing about my past weekend… I couldn’t write how great it felt to walk away from Mr. My Harry at the end of the night… but also how amazing it felt to just lay in his arms again.

I censor myself when writing about Mr. Green… and the fact that I’m afraid to admit that I do have feelings for him. Afraid because he does read my blogs. Afraid because it does scare him off a bit. But mostly afraid because I know he doesn’t feel the same. Sure he’s enjoyed spending time with me, enjoyed the great sex we have, but at the same time he’s young and wants to enjoy his life… and enjoying his life means being able to continue to date other women and not be tied down to someone who lives in LA. And I know it freaks him out every time I try and pin him down about it, let alone write about it... but in the end maybe I've already screwed up that potential relationship, and that makes me a bit sad.

I censor myself in regards to this upcoming wedding weekend. Censor because I know my friends and the bride do read my blogs. And although I am unbelievably excited for the wedding (and know I will cry my eyes out!) it makes me a little sad at the same time. It reminds me that once again it’s not me getting married. It just makes me feel like I’m being left behind, and wonder if maybe that just isn't in the cards for me… Reminds me that once again I am going to a wedding single. Which most people will say is the way to go, a single bridesmaid is sure to pick up someone there! But the idea of attending a wedding where my family will also be in attendance and know that when those amazing wedding songs are played I will be watching the bride and groom, my family, their family, our friends, and the rest of the bridal party head out for a dance with their loved ones, I will be hiding in the corner with my bottle of champagne. And at the same time excited to be spending the weekend with Mr. Green, also a little sad knowing that his feelings towards me have cooled in the last couple of weeks, but like I said- I’ve censored myself while I sat back and watched that happen.

I've censor myself when writing about a certain ex… and while talking about it this weekend I once again went into my joking monologue about being posted naked on the internet… and we laughed about it… but I’ve had to stop myself when writing that it still does hurt. Not daily like it use to… maybe not even weekly. But everyone once in awhile, like this morning, it just kind of sneaks back up on me. And although I’ve moved on with my life sometimes I do still miss him. Which my friends berate me for, so I haven’t written about those moments lately because I don’t want to open that can of worms and get into that argument again. But I have to say sometimes it just really hurts.

I’ve been censoring myself when talking about my dating life lately… mainly because I know that they read the blogs, especially Mr. Green. And really don't need the men in your life to know about each other… or the fact that I’m only out there dating because it makes me feel a little less hopeless when I think the he too is out there dating other girls. Really when did life become so complicated? Once upon a time when you liked someone you said it, you started dating, and then broke up… now there are degrees of “dating” and really everyone is just waiting for someone better to come around. So knowing that he’s out looking for someone better has had me out there thinking well maybe I should be doing the same…

I’ve been censoring myself when talking about being unemployed. I’ve written about a couple of interviews, I’ve made the life seem fun and exciting but most of all I’ve laughed about the rejections. But in reality it’s not fun. It’s not exciting. I’ve never been this desperate for a job or money. I’ve spent the last couple of months doing everything to keep myself afloat, and let’s just say my head is under that water! I’ve sold things off, had yard sales, started teaching swim lesson, gave surf lessons, baby-sat (even for a Saturday Night Lives Actresses kids), dog-sat, house-sat, temped, watered plants… you name it and I’ve probably done it to make money. I swear if I had bigger breast and a smaller stomach I would have considered a topless bar!

So those are the thoughts that were going through my head this morning… and I’m sure I will get some slack to them. I’m sure someone will end up annoyed. Someone else confused. And starting tomorrow I will go back to censoring my thoughts. But for now, I have to say it feels good to just clear my hardt.

When my present met my past

When I planned my Friday night, I was expecting a nice low key evening… Meeting up for drinks and dinner with Mr. First, which I had assumed would go roughly an hour. Leaving me an hour to get back to the Valley, let the dogs out and head to West Hollywood to meet up with my girls for a party and a bar. Which I figured that after a drink, maybe a flirt, I would head home, let the dogs out one last time and be asleep by 1. Well you know what they say, best laid plans and all. So instead at 1, I was on a rooftop nestled in the bottom of the Hollywood Hills staring at the city and the stars as the fog rolled in with the former Mr. My Harry. But let me go back to the beginning…

When I originally had planned on meeting up with Mr. First for a drink I assumed it would become another drinks and awkward catch up with someone from high school. The background story on us is that Mr. First is an old friend that I haven’t seen since I was 18. We went to High School together, both as theatre geeks, and of course had the requisite Senior Prom night adventure- basically a nice pg-13 (ok really NC-17 rated) night on the beach after prom… lost touch over the years but thanks to the wondrous circle that is facebook became reacquainted a while back, and seeing as we both live in Los Angeles we have been trying to meet up for drinks for awhile. So after a few failed attempts we finally settled on Friday night. Well, the allotted hour quickly turned into 2 ½ and my glass of water turned into 3 glasses of wine (of course!)… But we had a shockingly good time catching up, and after the initial awkward phase we went straight into laughing and drinking like old friends! Unfortunately all the time we spent reminiscing made me ridiculously late for appointments number 2 and 3… So with the promise of another night of drinks to come and a very nice text message from him after I left, I headed off for the rest of my Friday night. The third portion of my evening was spent as a girl’s night at the Village Idiot (crashed by Mr. My Harry and Mr. Entourage-though turns out the best way to meet men is to bring with you one of the stars of a TV show that is most guys favorite). I can skip over most of the evening which really consisted of just a lot of drinking, a lot of sex talk (and members sizes) and even a game of guess who is a virgin and guess who slept with the most actors. But really my evening began after I left the bar. After more glasses of wine and a couple of beers I ended up over on Mr. My Harry’s rooftop. Luckily years of experience has taught me that a drunken night with him is not what the doctor ordered, so after a little cuddle staring at the stars I headed home full of laughter at the unfulfilled promises of the evening. Because maybe I’m just getting old, but right now I need a surfing buddy more than I need a “buddy”… but I won’t lie to you, it still felt really nice to lay with someone staring up at the stars on my Friday night!